Good morning! I was reflecting on the concept of “honoring the season of life you’re in,” and it made me think about all of the different Magpies at different phases of life right now: newborn years, career-building, empty nesting, pregnancy, diagnosis or recovery, the busy middle of motherhood…! I thought it might be interesting to kick off a series of posts in which we solicit advice from our sister figures who are navigating or have just navigated some of these meaty phases of life. In general, I’m wondering how we can approach these transitions with curiosity and grace.
Today, I want to invite the empty nesters among us to share their experiences. I’ve been thinking about these ladies because one of my girlfriends is two years out from sending her youngest off to college and told me that she is planning to sell her suburban home and move into a townhome downtown so she can and her husband can walk to dinner, take in cultural events, live a more pedestrian lifestyle. I thought that was fascinating, and so exciting for her. I also admired her forethought; she is clearly preparing to embrace the next set of years as a different phase of life. I’ve had other mom friends talk about dreading the quiet after their children are out of the home, and I know one former neighbor who moved out of state to follow her daughter to college — so many emotions, approaches, perspectives bubbling behind these decisions. I’m curious to hear from Magpies who no longer have children at home:
What advice do you have for mothers preparing for this transition?
What do you wish you had known?
What do you wish you could tell yourself about this phase as your younger self were heading into it?
Taking an even longer view, what would you tell those of us in the younger years of matrescence, knowing what you know about preparing children for the real world and sending them out into it?
Post-Scripts.
+What we inherited from our grandmothers.
Shopping Break.
+I’m obsessed with these new active/casual shorts from Faherty. The piping! The colors! So cute!
+A restock on the azure blue tee that sold out almost immediately when it launched earlier this season! I own and LOVE this. Perfect with white jeans.
+This skirt is at the top of my summer shopping list. LOVE the pattern. This should have be included in my New England packing list!
+This very popular and very chic denim jacket from Ulla J. was just restocked. SO GOOD. A perfect finishing touch to any sundress.
+A must-have for sandal season. IT’S SO GOOD and effective.
+Gorgeous and easy to wear dress for FOJ and other peak summer activities. My other top rec for the holiday here.
+Fine jewelry designer Dana Rebecca is offering a rare 19% off (to celebrate the business’s 19-year anniversary) — wow. I wear these crossover huggies all the time — low profile, elegant, go with everything, a tiny bit of bling! Also a good time to buy one of their beautiful letter pendants or initial charms to celebrate the birth of a child, a graduation…or just yourself!
+My kids’ favorite summer sandals. Just ordered for the season ahead. Love that you can just hose them down. (But I miss the Footmates years — I loveeee how Emory’s chubby little feet looked in these.)
+Two very different mats that I love: this cushioned standing mat for washing dishes (the surface is waterproof/wipeable, which is essential with all the dripping when I’m moving plates onto a drying rack!, and the cushion really helps with that fatigue of standing there and cleaning for long stretches!) and this fitness mat, which is twice as thick as (and far more cushioned than) most normal yoga mats, and also folds up to double as a block. I absolutely love this thing. I use it every other morning for strength training / core work and I notice such a big difference on my wrists and knees while doing planks, bear crawls, push-ups, kneeling reps, etc. Can’t rec either of these more. LOVE.
+SERIOUSLY cute Americana-themed Minnow launch to buy now and pull out in July: this strawberry print one piece! This scoopneck for us! This knit set! OMG, I added about fifteen items to my wishlist cart! The summer we went to Aspen, CO, that was honestly my packing plan — I bought them each a shorts set, a striped sweater, and a fun new swimsuit from Minnow, and it was exactly right, and they always looked sort of coordinated. And check out this adorable white dress / cover-up for us…the details!
+I want to layer that dress over my new swimsuit!
+Another great pair of pull-on shorts. I love them in the Weston wash and the gingham!
+Hotel Lobby’s very popular hand wash was just restocked. I love it in the signature and Hamptons scents.
+I mentioned those Hart charms as a great gift for grads / friends / etc navigating moments of transition — I also found this cool NYC-based charm company called Jet Set Candy that does really clever ones like engravable boarding passes for a honeymoon / trip of a lifetime / new chapter in a new city / etc.
SHOP ALL OF THESE ITEMS AND MORE IN THIS VEIN HERE
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There is so much to be said on this topic! I have three grown children (31, 27, and 24) and two grandchildren (2, 1) with one on the way.
First, as parents raising children, try to remind yourself early and often that your goal is to raise independent, capable, kind and curious adults. They are meant to grow up and go out into the world, and to be their own people. Kahlil Gibran’s poem “On Children” reflects this so beautifully.
Second, pre-college ‘kids’ will “soil the nest.” This is infuriating.. and necessary. They are preparing themselves to leave by breaking those bonds, and they are preparing us to let them go (and in many ways, if they soil it well, OH BOY will you be ready!) This does not mean they don’t love you, they aren’t ready to go, or you’ve done a bad job parenting. This is a biological imperative.
Third, I love the concept/idea of a “Third Age” in relation to both getting older and RECLAIMING one’s nest and independence. My nest isn’t empty; it is an opportunity to revisit the self I was before I become a parent. What did I want to do, that maybe I didn’t and could do now? What new dreams do I have? What adventures can my husband and I create? There was a ME before them. There was a WE before them. Kids (at times necessarily) take up a lot of that space. Rather than an empty nest, it can be a Reclamation, a Celebration.. And always a welcome back, I missed you, I’m so proud of you.. and I’ll see you again soon!
I love these musings — I’m especially drawn to your note about redefining this phase as “a third age” — or, as someone else notes below, “the open door phase.” I do think calling it “empty nest” situates the entire conversation in a kind of negative/forlorn imagery.
Thanks also for these great suggestions and insights. I’d not heard about the “soil the nest” analogy but absolutely observed it as my siblings and I prepared to leave home — lol. I remember feeling empathetic towards my parents even as a 16 year old!
xx
Gretchen Rubin has done some interesting writing on this, and has framed it as her ‘open door’ phase rather than an ’empty nest’ phase. https://gretchenrubin.com/podcast/a-little-happier-four-helpful-secrets-of-adulthood-for-parents/
“I’m a child myself, of course, and I’m also a parent. In the past year, my relationships with my two daughters have changed. Now they’re both out of the house, and I’ve entered what many people call the “empty-nest stage” of parenting. For myself, I’ve decided to re-name this transition as the “open-door stage.” An empty nest suggests abandonment and loss; an open door suggests new possibilities and the freedom to come and go—for my daughters, and also for my husband and me.”
http://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2024/11/empty-nest-open-door/680646/
Oh I love this reframe! Thanks for sharing!
xx
4 years into the empty nest life. For those who are still in the thick of raising young ones, let them make mistakes (obviously age appropriate ones). Fostering a sense of independence is crucial and better for them to slip up while you are there to help them recover as opposed to when they are off at college and mom is not there to step in. Someone else mentioned that we Gen Xers over parented our children because our parents did so little and I tend to agree. Does anyone else remember the tv commercial “It’s 10:00-do you know where your children are?”That aired for a reason-ha! For new empty nesters, the best advice I have heard is that you are moving from being the CEO of your childs life to a consultant. Always ASK if they want advice rather than rushing to give it. Most importantly, enjoy every stage because it really does fly by.
I love that framework of moving from CEO to consultant! Must be such a huge shift but I like that visual. Thanks for all of this!! xx
I (we) are 10+ years into an empty nest. You never, ever stop worrying, but to see them grow and succeed is wonderful. We recently moved to our “forever” retirement home in an active community that we are enjoying – even though I am a few years away from retirement (my husband will retire this year). We are revisiting hobbies that we liked pre-children (like golf) and meeting new people. We moved from IL to SC – so it’s been an adjustment. I LOVED, LOVED every stage of my children’s lives and we are blessed to have daughters who want to spend time with us – including vacations! As trite as it sounds – the days were long but the years were very short!!
I love this encouraging note — thank you! The idea of revisiting hobbies is so encouraging and warm. xx
Oh, empty nesting. It can break your heart, but if you let it, you can find your wings and fly. Just like you want your kids to do. To begin finding and rediscovering yourself is a journey, we as mothers, must do because we tend to lose ourselves as we raise our families. My husband and I have been empty nesters now for 17 yrs now. Three yrs, in, I retired and began traveling with him for his job. A few years later, we packed up our home, moved to a different state where we knew not a soul ( we always vacationed here and thought we’d like to live here someday) and we’ve lived here now for 10 years this year. I’ve learned so much about myself. I have changed and grown into a woman I’m proud to be outside of motherhood. I’ve also learned that the worrying never stops and I’ll always be a mother. They always come home and your heart bursts open when they drive in that driveway. They become someone you love to hang out with and your favorite human all grown-up.
I’ve been an empty nester for four years. Most surprising to me was learning you never stop worrying about your kids! But moreso, it is really amazing seeing my kids blossom and flourish in their independence. As my own father said to me when my first was born, he loved/loved each and every age of his kids, every age is his new favorite. And when all else fails, text your college students photos of the family dog and you will get immediate and positive responses 🙂
Aw – this is such a sweet idea about sending the family dog photo! I love that! What a great way to draw a connecting line between home and wherever they are.
“Every age is his new favorite” — gah! So sweet!
xx
I just wrapped up my first year of being an empty nester and am dealing with the whiplash of having kids home from college. I have missed the fun of having my girls at home (shopping, gossiping, endless Sex and the City rewatches) but I have LOVED the quiet calm in the house, spending hours and hours with my lovely spouse, and being freed from the many worries of having high school kids out at night – driving, parties, and all the things. As for preparing my kids to be out in the world, I love them dearly but children are VERY SOFT and dare I see ill prepared for the independence that is required of them. They call me constantly with problems they should be able to figure out for themselves. If I don’t answer immediately, the texts follow – “mom” “mom” “mom, answer” In the words of Andy and Nigel in the Devil Wears Prada 2, Andy: “I worry about this generation of kids.”Nigel: “It’s a national emergency.”
Are you able to say a little more on this, Tara? My brother and SIL are 23 and I definitely see similar stuff with them (except he asks us, she will not tell us they’re having the problem in question until it reaches dire proportions). What skills would you like to see them handle? Doctor’s appointments? Job stuff? Government forms? Personal care and grocery shopping? Birthday presents for family members and the life skill of managing relationships?
For my part, I was a very high achieving kid who absolutely crashed and burned when I encountered all the life admin to be an adult in the world come college. I figured it out but I remember feeling very ill-prepared, and it was a bumpy few years. I had rather strict parents and even being asked to make any decisions was quite new.
Hi Kelly! My husband and I are always shaking our heads and saying, “we loved them too much.” I think that we – as Gen X kids who figured things out for ourselves from a very young age and did not have helicopter parents (they were too busy working and their lives did not revolve around us) – wanted our kids to have “easier” lives than we did and we frankly made it too easy. I would like my kids to be able to register for college classes without having a meltdown when things are not working out. Ditto with managing their prescriptions and doctor’s appointments now that they are in college. I’ll add moving out of the dorm since I’ve just lived through this. My parents never helped me pack up and move out of a dorm room and this seemed a Herculean task for my daughters. In fact, my daughter asked if I could book (and fund) a massage for her when she came home from the college move out because of all the heavy lifting. ???????? This year, one of them called from passport control in a foreign country to ask ME for the address where she was going (she was on a a trip with friends). When I couldn’t help she burst into tears. This same daughter took the wrong suitcase when retrieving her luggage at the airport and didn’t realize it until that evening (different trip). Again, she called in hopes that I could handle it for her. This year there were also melt downs over difficult college classes with unreasonable professors, sorority rush, study abroad applications/confusion/admin challenges. On the plus side, they are decently good at managing money, banking, tax forms, etc because we have insisted that they have jobs since they were old enough for a work permit. In retrospect, I just wish we would have let them figure out solutions to problems more often instead of swooping in to soothe and solve. Life is hard for Gen Z!
Thank you for the thoughtful response. Tara! How do you handle those conversations when it’s absolutely not something you could or should help with!
I’ve been mulling this over and I’m wondering if the difference in some ways too is the lack of smartphones for me vs them! I was somewhat helicopter parented and had absolutely no clue, I did my share of dumb stuff, but when I lost my whole entire purse in manhattan, or my train was cancelled, or I missed my exit and went far off where I was meant to be, there was no one to call! Because I actually do think they’re more street smart than I was at their age, but I had a very steep learning curve.
Hi Tara! Thanks so much for sharing this. I was really encouraged by the note about enjoying / leaning into the quiet and calm! I love the idea of there being a season for everything.
XX
I am so interested to read what others have to say.. I’m 4 years away from this, sending my oldest off to college in a few months!
Big transition!! I know you’ll handle it with your signature grace and open heart — even though we only know each other through the comments you just telegraph these qualities.
xx
In thinking ahead and preparing for the empty nester phase, the most important thing is to continue to work on your relationship with your spouse/significant other. To not forget about them in the hustle and bustle of everyday life with kids. There is a moment, when the house is quiet and you look at your partner and have a “now what” moment. It is a lot easier to navigate this when you are not looking at a virtual stranger!
However, to state the obvious, you never stop being a parent, and as your kids grow up, you are constantly adjusting to where they are in their lives and what they need from you. My daughter is back living at home with us, and is in a season where she needs a lot of care and support. My son just graduated from college last week and is more interested making his own way in the world. I will text him to get together for dinner or breakfast, or to go see a movie, but I am conscious about giving him his space.. I think he appreciates this, and is always responsive when I do reach out. It goes without saying that he knows we are always there if he needs anything!
I am loving my mid-fifties! I am not bothered by grey hairs and wrinkles, in fact I have never felt better about skin/hair/personal style. I’m a pretty understated person, but I have had numerous people (even strangers, and often younger than me) comment on a certain “calm” that I exude. I will say that starting to work in an elementary school when my youngest was in high school has helped me cultivate a certain unflappability (!) It is also true that our society just views older women as less threatening 🙁 This is something I choose to treat as an opportunity to be a little more subversive 🙂
Anyhoo…. Just my two cents worth!
“A little more subversive” is my absolute life goal as I age!!
What a gorgeous, encouraging, and practical note! I love the reminder to continue to cultivate a strong relationship with your S.O. My parents always traveled, just the two of them, a couple of times each year and I could see how powerful that was in their relationship and have wanted to follow suit. We aren’t in a phase of life where we travel as much just us but we do make a lot of time for dates, one-on-one time, etc.
You sound like such a warm and thoughtful mother – I love the way you are approaching your relationship with your son, being conscious about offering him space but also intentionally dropping him invites to keep him in the fold…
Thank you!!
xx