I came across a great post over on Evil Witches about becoming a grandparent for the first time, and what to do — and not do — as you witness your children enter matrescence (or patrescence). I was touched by the examples readers gave of the wonderful things their parents did for them. I especially loved these two:
“I think it’s really important for grandparents to recognize that the mom/birthing parent has just gone through a huge physical ordeal. I appreciated that my mom immediately checked on me and not the baby.”
“I find it helpful when the grandparents affirm that something is just hard. My dad once told me, quietly, during a visit when our 11-month-old was going through some kind of sleep regression/refusal/shit: ‘This is a hard time.’ And then he shut up. And it was lovely.”
My mom lived out the first example in many ways after my children were born. She did such a good job of checking in on me, on making sure I was taking care of myself, that it’s forever changed how I respond when friends deliver babies. “The baby’s perfect,” I’ll write, “And how are you? How was the first night? How are you feeling?” There is a general neglect of post-partum maternal care in our culture, but not from my mom: she stood firmly in another camp. When I was in the recovery room after my second c-section, she practically sprinted into the room when they permitted her to come back, all abuzz with excitement, wiggling her fingers in anticipation of holding her grandson, and I watched as she paused and course-corrected, wheeling back around to my bedside: “But first: how’s my baby doing?” She also sat with me and patted my hand and smoothed my bedsheets when I was sniffling through post-partum weepiness whose source I could not parse, and — this I really remember — was blessedly pragmatic, almost phlegmatic, about some of the unpleasant physical aftermath after the c-section, much of which now feel almost too grisly to write out in public, but it involved, among other things, her helping me into underwear when I couldn’t bend over, buying me digestive aids, and telling me, firmly, that I should sit down and take a deep breath before taking the shower in which I’d need to remove the medical tape they’d laid over my sutures.
I’m curious today to hear your examples. What were the most helpful things your parents or in-laws did for you after your baby was born?
(I’m taking notes, too, as an aunt/friend – it’s insane how quickly you forget the newborn days, and what felt good and not. By force of this exercise, for example, I’m now vaguely remembering that I didn’t always find it helpful to have someone holding the baby, but I massively appreciated folks entertaining my toddler when they’d come by. The two things that I found the most thoughtful/helpful from sisters and friends: 1) One of my girlfriends stopped by with an enormous grocery bag of fancy deli meat, a loaf of artisanal bread, various spreads and tapenades, fresh fruit, and snacky things. This enabled us to make quick standing meals, which felt like the only kinds of meals we could have right after we brought our babies home. I’d make a little sandwich, or grab a handful of nuts and fruit, and it was heaven. This has been my go-to “gift” for new parents since. Perfect for midnight dinners and 4 a.m. breakfasts. 2) One of my sisters would come by and just do shit (excuse language, but this is what we’d call it — JDS) without being asked. Not “where should this go?” and “what laundry setting should I use?” She’d just arrive and wordlessly wash the dishes, put away the toys, take out the trash. If something was not put away in its designated spot, who cared?! It was clean and out of the way. This mattered so much to me in New York, where we were short on space and I could feel my stress level escalating as the day would go on and more toys, soiled baby linens, and dishes would pile up all over the place. JDS.
My sister is preparing to deliver her second and I’m hopeful I can find some specific and meaningful ways to be helpful to her since I live four hours away — I wonder if there’s anything I can do remotely. Any ideas?
Post-Scripts.
+On the early days of new motherhood.
+On going from 0-1 vs 1-2 children.
+3 a.m. parties. (Not what you think they are.)
+To the new mom feeding her baby at 3:11 a.m.
Shopping Break.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+These woven flats sell out every season. Only a few left! They are THE most comfortable shoe straight out of the box. I have a pair I’ve worn heavily the past two years.
+This little knit dress is reminiscent of Chanel, but $39.
+Drooling over the cache of discounted Emilia Wickstead that just arrived at The Outnet.
+A really flattering pair of pants. These are “utility-lite” if you want something a bit more refined. I own these in white.
+I saw a really cute idea on Instagram that I’m recreating for my son: use 3M hanging tape to attach a Lego plate to the interior of a 3 ring binder, then decant some Legos into one of these 3 ring pouches and clip it inside. A little Lego travel set!
+A seriously fab pareo.
+This boxy jacket from Still Here is having a moment – it’s already sold out in the unusual white/red combo, but the all denim sitch is on point, too. Reminds me of Toteme.
+This $49 mesh bucket bag is wildly chic and unexpected.
+Lots of fun party dresses on offer at Farm Rio. This one caught my attention!
+This water-spraying toy is an eye sore but my kids will flip out over it.
+Lesportsac is enjoying a little renaissance right now! They’ve done a few cool collabs, including one with Libertine, but I am really loving the vibe of these throwback “spectator” totes.
+UBeauty is offering 20% off sitewide. You know I love these lip plasmas, and I used their tinted super-hydrator down to the last pump/drop! I really liked that product — more coverage than some of the other tinted moisturizers I’ve used — but right now I’m debating whether or not to test Trish McEvoy’s, which I’ve also heard great things about. One of my girlfriends (who has THE BEST skin) swears by Trish!
+Love all Ancient Greek sandals, but these platform-y ones caught my eye.
+Looking for an over-the-mirror lighting solution for our powder bath. Two that caught my eye: this and this. Our decorator has been proposing more of a bar light, but I’m not loving the options out there…still hunting! Speaking of lighting, I keep coming back to the whimsical fixtures from Stray Dog. So fun and unexpected for a nursery, studio, play room, etc!
I think this is such a nice list to compile. Of course every mom/parents preference or needs will vary but even having a laundry list of ideas is a great way to start.
My parents live halfway across the country and stayed with us after each birth, at our request. For the first child it was a mix of shared joy and moral support (we barely knew how to change diapers!) For the second or third, we put them to work. The greatest help was taking the older children out of the house and keeping them busy. My mom did dishes and laundry 24/7, which was such a blessing. My local in-laws did some things I appreciated, My MIL gave us lots of space whenever my parents visited (she said she understood what it was to be the out of town grandparents) and she never showed up uninvited. She isn’t necessarily someone I consider conscientious of boundaries, but she was from the start with our children and it has continued. Truly admirable. One thing that really bothers me about my in laws hand husbands siblings is their obsession with declaring our kids look like them. Their eyes, chin, smile, whatever they can think of. A day old baby doesn’t look like anything. And while it’s petty, it was always somewhat hurtful that they were tripping over themselves to declare how much they looked like dad. Even if the baby looks nothing like mom, after 9 months of pregnancy, delivery, and recovery, perhaps flatter mom and say the beautiful baby looks like their mother.
Not petty – I can totally imagine how that felt! I love the comment about boundaries – something good for me to keep in mind when visiting my sister.
xx
I loved reading this post and the follow up comments! I have a 5, almost 6 month old (how?!) and found myself nodding along to so many comments. As someone who’s friends are all spread out across the country, I resonated with your question about how to help someone from afar. Things that I’ve done and that friends did for us that I found so helpful were Uber Eats/Door Dash delivery giftcards! You can send them digitally, they go straight to your app on your phone and it made it so nice to be able to order what we wanted, when we wanted, when we were in the thick of it. I’ve also had girlfriends send periodic Starbucks giftcards, again digitally, as a “pick me up” which was a nice, low stress outing with a newborn when you really needed to get out of the house!
The last thing I did which was well-received was send my BFF a “mom” care package just for her. It wasn’t elaborate, in fact I think I got most things at HomeGoods but included teas, bath salts/scrub, hand lotion, a face mask, etc. and a note that explained that babies get so many new things, someone should take care of mom too!
Love these ideas, especially the note on giving stuff for the mama! A friend of mine dropped by a few days after mini was born with pads, lactation bars/cookies, nipple cream, a big reusable water bottle, and a few other “recovery” and “new mom essentials,” and it was SO thoughtful.
xx
My aunt and her wife gave us quarterly gifts! New clothes at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months. They rightly pointed out that the birth and 1 year had gifts covered! For my cousin, I just put together a “weaning” pack I’ll send when her daughter hits 5 months. Favorite plate, cup, spoons, chew toys. I did check with her first since some folks would rather select things themselves! Since she was already asking for a lot of tips I felt comfortable offering. I’m mindful of not swiping milestones someone was looking forward to….i remember both my MIL and SIL tried to choose my son’s first Halloween costume
When my mother in law came after first c section, she changed my sheets every time I took a shower. What a luxury! (When I had the third in three years, she sent a check for a baby nurse, haha. I don’t blame her.)
Love this — must have felt so nice to be taken care of in this small but meaningful way.
xx
I love this post!
Wise women, how do you suggest this lovely be communicated to grandparent in laws who might be…less than apt to do many of these things when the time comes? Not because they are not good people, but because they simply will be overly excited about the baby (at the expense of recognizing that Mom may need some acknowledgment) or want to reminisce about my husband’s childhood (like “well I just slept with him and nursed and didn’t do any of this safe sleep stuff”) or just not realize that perhaps they should do some laundry or cook dinner or do something other than hold the baby? I see this as an incoming problem, and am not sure how to head it off!
That’s a conversation for the spouse to be discreetly in charge of! And good practice, frankly. Some grandparents seem to find, after years of being the one to decide things for their own kids, that they can’t help but stick their oar in. Maybe your spouse could offer to run in point on certain conversations or decisions in advance? He can explain it like a wedding. No one should be coming to the bride with their concerns on the wedding day concerns should all flow outward and help and assistance should all flow inward to the people at the center. framing it that way set him up as the gatekeeper of your peace. Also, if you’re the one arranging gifts and birthday things for his side of the family, I’d suggest that stop immediately and he steps up now. My mother-in-law said “that I stole her son from her” but what had actually changed was his dad’s retirement. I knew what she was saying, wasn’t true, but I okayed the feeling behind it. She was getting less one on one time with him; I put him in charge of taking her to lunch once a month solved the problem.
I like this idea of having the husband speak to the in-law — he will know how best to communicate boundaries, I would imagine!!
xx
That you are already thinking, and asking, about ways to be helpful and express love to your sister and her growing family is an act of love itself!
Some favorite meaningful and thoughtful acts of love I experienced after my daughter’s birth last year include:
– A same day Target delivery of diapers, wipes, a board book, and cute footies
– A “ladies lunch” as my friend called it – she came over with a spread of chicken salads, croissants and rolls, fruit salad, and cake slices and a picnic basket of her own china plates, silverware, and glasses! The whole nine yards! It was such a treat to have great company, good food, and not have to wash a single dish. Oh! She even made sure to bring it over in containers that she didn’t want back. Every detail was covered.
– Doordash and Uber Eats gift cards to use in the weeks (and months) later. Similarly, a few months into the newborn blur we received a text from friends living halfway across the country saying “Hey! We want to take care of dinner tonight! What is your usual order from X restaurant?” No ifs ands or buts they were sending dinner to our doorstep.
– The day before my parents left town they brought over a huge box of diapers and wipes and a bag of groceries without being asked or asking.
I love your JDS example! I think you could even adapt that for long distance – a house clean a few weeks or months after baby is born, surprise delivery of diapers and wipes, lunch or dinner delivery, something special to pamper mom after baby (I’m thinking a pedicure once mom feels up to a little time to herself – I would have loved that!), offering another brief visit a few months later to JDS – like watching an older kiddo when the baby has a pediatrician appointment, babysitting if the parents feel up to a meal or drink out, folding laundry, grocery shopping, etc.
These are SUCH lovely ideas, and I especially appreciate how each one involves asking NOTHING of the mom. No decisions, no follow-up, no cleaning! The picnic idea is genius!
Thanks for sharing these ideas.
xx
Great advice, as I just found out I’m going to be a first time grandmother in October. I’m excited for them and after reading this I feel much better on what to do and more importantly what NOT to do. They live far away (East coast vs West coast) so I’m looking forward to advice there as well.
Gift cards seem like a good idea, however then the parents have to decide what they want and which restaurant. In our house that’s not usually a fun conversation. I’m leaning on hiring a personal chef to come in and make meals for them to freeze. Breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Don’t even know if that’s possible. Lots of thoughts but since its my daughter-in-law, I don’t want to intrude too much.
Also was curious why one grandparent brought 3 pajama pants. Don’t new mothers have these already before they go to the hospital? Am I missing something?
One piece of advice I was given before my first was to go and purchase thick sanitary pads with wings. I had no idea I would need these. How many poor husbands are on a mad dash to the grocery store after birth? I like to prepare new mothers in just this one tidbit of information.
Thank you for such a great blog today.
Congratulations! You’re being so thoughtful to consider your daughter in law’s feelings. My husband and I also live far from both our families and it does add an extra layer to navigate postpartum. I wish my in-laws had been more respectful of our “space” as a new family of three. They would arrive from their hotel in the morning and not leave until late in the evening. We were exhausted by the time we pushed them out the door at 9:00pm each night. When I think back to their visit I only remember washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen every night after they left when what I really wanted to do was crawl into bed.
Love your idea about stocking their freezer! My daughter is 14 months and I wish someone would come stock my freezer now! I would check to make sure they have freezer space for meals ahead of time. In my area I have seen several local meal services that offer prepared meals or meal kits that can be picked up from the storefront or delivered. There may be something similar that is local to your DIL and may have freezer meals available or meals that would freeze well.
You could snoop on their Instagram to find out local to them favorites and have things delivered! Even places that don’t normally deliver may help you out as a treat for a new mom. I will say meal kits can be a pain! We’re good cooks but Blue Apron was like a terrible homework assignment and never as good or easy as what we would’ve made
Good point on meal kits!! Noted!
Congratulations, Cynthia! So exciting. I agree with Nicole’s note that you’re already ahead of the game in thinking carefully about your daughter-in-law’s feelings, boundaries, etc! I am just now remembering my MIL said she would visit after the baby was a month old because she’d remembered HER mother in law coming to visit in the hospital, and how it wasn’t necessarily the best visit because my MIL felt so out of it, tired, not up for company, etc! I would have loved to see my MIL but I also really appreciated her thoughtfulness — she wanted to make sure I was in a good spot and “up for company” and didn’t want to impose in any way.
The pajama pants — my gosh, my children changed outfits like 2-3 times a day during the first few months! Spit up, blow-outs, bath time, etc! It’s so handy to have extra sets of pants on hand.
xx
Congratulations, Cynthia!
We had our second baby less than two weeks ago, and honestly, food is where it’s at. There are so many meals needed, my goodness! A personal chef to cook is a great idea. If you want delivery…My husband’s company sent us a bunch of meals from MagicKitchen.com and they’ve been really good so far. We’ve had the carrot/ginger soup, chicken/veggie/pasta soup + bread, and burnt ends and pierogies. We still have linguine with clams and chicken pot pie that we haven’t tried yet. You could also organize a meal train so that people who live near (or far) can sign up to cover a meal for them.
Hi Jen! I think about this a lot. Things were so unhelpful and isolating with our first that I took notes, and then better with our second. A good way to help a far away sister: admin work. Babies require appointments, as do mothers, and sitting on hold with a blasé medical receptionist while trying to feed a distressed baby is so so difficult. If she’s keen, get her insurance card info and google calendar now. If she needs medications, help call it into the pharmacy. I do this for my nana from an ocean away!
When one of my friends has a baby I set a calendar reminder for every month to check on her the first year or 2. Plenty of stuff gets really hard at month 3 or 4 or 7 but there’s a lot less support.
Meals of course! My favorite thing besides a main dinner is lots of cut up fruit. Also, if you keep up with what size/brand diapers the baby is in, wordlessly dropping off another pack is always welcome. Or paying for their cleaning service, or dropping off treats (I give a robe from One Hundred Stars, Weleda fennel tea, my gluten free peanut butter cookies or oatmeal coconut cookies, and instructions not to share the “lactation cookies” since moms need the calories).
Check in at sundown. Keep doing it months in. Set reminders. Make it a habit. I’m dealing with severe mood issues this time, and when I told my youngest brother (we’re not close), he’s checked in with me first thing in the morning every single day since. Some days we just say hi, but it means so much.
One of my friends offered to wrap all my Christmas presents for me when I had a baby in November!
I actually have an Evernote written for when my husband’s younger siblings have babies since they’re a decade younger. And I remember a new granddad in the family when his second grandson arrived stayed over with his older grandson and handled daytime attention, night wakeups, and meals for 2 weeks.
My note:
1. Bring over takeout of their choice at time of their choice
2. Prep all kinds of meals. Cut fruit is so great after birth.
3. Don’t hog the baby; if the parent wants you to hold them, they will ask.
4. Do laundry! Do dishes! Do not make a fuss about it!
5. Fold the stuff the way they want.
6. Offer to do pharmacy runs; just getting out of the house is so tough with a newborn.
7. Drop off their preferred brand of diapers in the correct size.
8. Don’t give advice unless asked. Save the reminiscing about when yours were small for at home with your spouse, as it can feel pressuring.
9. Changing sheets for someone is always nice, especially around weeks 2-6 of newborn!
10. Night nurse if they want.
11. Be their backup if they want to vent; do not discuss them with other family members. Support their parenting choices.
12. Tell them they’re doing a good job.
My MIL was very practically helpful the second time (folded a lot of laundry, made dinner) but made me feel so small and rarely took my preferences into account. My dad was not helpful at all when he visited (I had to clean up after both my parents and cook for them, and they don’t really have any helpful skills in infant care) but endlessly praised my parenting and my husband’s, down to the minutiae of redirecting a toddler. He talked about how he wishes he could have been a parent more like we are, and what confident natural parents we are. He filled my cup!
Wow! Sometimes the verbal reassurance/praise is what you need, you know? At the same time — yikes! Not fun to entertain/look after others when you’re in the weeds of new motherhood!! xx
Nodded along to each and every one of these — esp the cut fruit, and the sense of “being a backup if they want to vent.” Yes!
xx
These are so incredibly helpful, and so thoughtful! I was interested/surprised to see several Magpies mention dropping off a box of diapers in the correct size, unasked! I totally get this but never made the connection myself. I was often rushing to the store or overnighting boxes!!
xx
I second that entertaining the older sibling(s) is super appreciated!! Also, I feel like breakfast is often overlooked when bringing food (which is ironic to say as I am actually taking dinner to a family with a new baby this very week – I should take my own advice!). If you’ve had a sleepless night and still need to feed yourself and possibly older children, having a batch of muffins on hand is priceless. Or yogurt, cereal, etc. My husband made a batch of breakfast burritos before our first child was born and we enjoyed them from the freezer/microwave at all hours of the day 🙂
Love the note on breakfast — a friend of mine brought by banana bread and it really was SO wonderful to have a quick, no-prep breakfast on offer for my four a.m. wakeups 🙂
xx
I came across a really terrific Instagram account run by a grandmother called “More Than Grand,” which gives really excellent advice to new grandparents. I think our culture really likes to idealize this relationship when in fact many people’s grandparental relationships don’t fulfill this imaginary standard of perfection. Highly recommend for anyone about to have a kid OR become a grandparent!
Thank you for this!! xx
I love the fancy sandwich spread gift idea!
Being helpful while living far from family and friends is hard. Some ideas: Order delivery from a local restaurant and text that dinner is on the way.
Text door dash gift cards to be used when needed. Whenever I send a gift, I always include something for the big sibling as well.
Would love to hear more ideas on how to be helpful and supportive from afar!
So sweet – love the idea of a gift for big sib! I remember really wanting distraction/help for my older one when my son was born! Someone suggested putting together an activity box for her to work on while I was nursing the baby. This really didn’t work out / last for more than a day, because once she got into the box, she carried all the new little activity pads / stickers right into her room, but it was a really nice little break that day!
xx
I think as you say, just acknowledging that the person delivering the baby has gone through something major and it’s okay to have complicated feelings about this, especially if it was not a smooth delivery. I had a pretty rough birth experience and was just completely exhausted after a long labor and nearly a week in the hospital. It was pretty awful to feel the pressure (mostly self-inflicted from social media) of having to feel like this was supposed to be a magical experience, when it frankly didn’t feel that way for a while for me,
I love the fancy sandwich spread idea! It’s so nice to have non-junk things to snack on when you are not up for a whole meal. This is specific, but my mom dropped off chocolate milk in the early days and it was actually perfect to get some hydration and protein in when I was trying to breastfeed but could not face the thought of real food at times.
My go-to for new parents, is Uber Eats or Doordash gift cards. They can use it any time for whatever they want.
Totally agree with you on acknowledgement / seeing the mama in it all! I also always ask if the mom is “up to talking about it” before asking any questions about birth experience / recovery experience because I was SO emotional about my first c-section, I could hardly bring it up without crying. (And I often did!)
xx
I stayed with my sister and BIL for the weekend when their newborn was about 6 weeks old. At the time she was waking up once in the night to eat, so I offered to take the night shift, May not be possible for you but I know they were endlessly grateful for two nights of uninterrupted sleep, and I got to have that special time with my tiny niece!
This is so sweet. I’m sure that was SUCH a luxury for your sister!
xx