I received such interesting, thoughtful, conflicting (and conflicted!) comments on my post about children’s sports from this past weekend. I found myself reading them all while standing at the kitchen counter, too engrossed to even sit myself down as I plotted the coordinates of different decisions and where they might lead. To me, the spread of well-considered perspectives on this subject underscores the lived truth that there is never one cookie-cut answer to anything in parenting. Truly. You are the expert in your child and in your family dynamics; the rest is hypothesis. Or maybe a better way of saying it, when evaluating advice from others: that’s an interesting data point. Not an answer. Not a full and complete data set. A data point.
I’m writing this while in the grip of a memory dating a few years back. I’d brought my young son to tennis lessons one afternoon, and we were running a few minutes behind. He is normally my easy customer, my cool cucumber, having inherited my husband’s unflappably even keel, but he was upset we were late and had a complete meltdown, refusing to go onto the court. I suspected he was uncomfortable about missing the warmup and weaving himself into the underway lesson. I tried several tactics to get him to join the class — getting down at eye level and listening to him, explaining I understood how he felt. Then reasoning with him. Then telling him we made a commitment to be there. Yadda, yadda. Finally, I tried the tough love approach, depositing him on the court with the pro nearby, but I just couldn’t direct myself to abscond around the corner. He was crying, and the scene was so out of character for him. I felt on a heart level that this was a tough moment for him. I decided we would leave.
At some point during this saga, a mom friend of mine, observing us, told me: “Just put him on the court and walk away. Trust me. Been there before.” And I’m sure she had — she was raising two charming and athletic boys and she was a noticeably hands-on mother, always close by and alert to her sons’ behavior. I saw the wisdom in her words, and her good intention, too. And I know from experience that there are parenting contexts where it’s helpful to get out of dodge. In general, I try my hardest to avoid prolonging a departure; it makes it tougher on everyone. This line of thinking is especially true with my daughter: I must draw a firm line and stick to it, or she’ll negotiate for sport. We’ve learned that she hates the first time doing anything, but once she gets over the hurdle of not knowing what to expect, she’s pleased as punch and excited to return. This is true of nearly every hobby, competition, event we’ve ever taken her to. And so we know we must insist she follows through.
This is not so much (not at all, in fact) a pattern with my son. So I sat on the razor’s edge of indecision. This was not a “tough” thing I was begging him to do; he plays tennis every week! And what precedent would I be setting? Would he negotiate his way out of future lessons in this same fashion? Wasn’t it important to model commitment and follow-through, two virtues we discuss frequently around the dining room table? And yet. I looked at his sad puppy dog face and thought, “this is not worth it.” And so when I collected him in my arms and said, “OK, we’ll go home,” and felt him sag into me with relief, I knew I’d done the correct thing for us, even as I felt a slight twinge of sheepishness walking past the mother who’d made the comment.
As we approached the exit, another mom friend of mine stopped me and said, “You did the right thing. There’s no point in tears over tennis.”
I couldn’t unpack the polarity of these two perspectives coming from two wonderful mothers whom I have on other occasions sought out for parenting advice. Both were valid and corroborated by their own tenure as mothers. And both were incomplete, or liminal. I can’t say I agree with either 100%, then or now. There were so many inputs to balance: his age, his typical behavior, the fact that we were late, our family values, my (if I am honest) frustration at having driven all the way there just to turn around and leave, my elective self-positioning as “the soft landing” in our family.
What I can tell you is that I know with a kind of engraved-in-stone certainty that I made the correct decision in that moment, and by listening carefully to my son and evaluating what he was saying against his age and his typical ways of being and all the rest of it. He didn’t make a pattern of it; it was a one-time moment in which I showed him: “It’s OK to have an off day. I’m here for you.”
There are just as many instances where I’ve not made the right decision as a mother, and many more where — I’m just not sure; the jury’s still out. And then there are the decisions that turn out to be much lower stakes than I’d anticipated and the scenario just tiptoes off into the distance. (That happens a lot, actually — I’ll spend all this time and energy working out a careful way to introduce information to my children, and they’ll shrug, “OK” and move on.)
But I guess my main message here — the kind of thing I’d tell my sisters and girlfriends — is that we can’t parent by committee. There are simply too many decisions to make, too many unique inputs to balance, and all of it comes at you too-quickly — and in conditions that are rarely calm, private, or convenient. And so I must cultivate the steely inner strength to listen to my children and listen to myself and tune out the rest. We must bear down in the eye of the hurricane, whether that means going in a different direction than all of the other parents on matters of technology or sleepovers or electing to abandon a tennis lesson.
You are the expert.
Post-Scripts.
+On missing my daughter at all of her ages.
+On being a joyful witness to my children.
Shopping Break.
+This gorgeous linen caftan is 30% off. It’s my top pick/rec for summer family photos, but it’s easy/breezy enough to live in all summer long.
+While we’re talking sale scores: Julia Amory is secretly offering an extra 25% off her sale section this weekend (discount appears in cart). Consider this gorgeous breezy sunshine yellow caftan!
+Love this crochet polo with white jeans (<<eyeing these for myself)!
+These on-trend huaraches are under $75.
+Ruti’s new linen pants have my attention — wish they came in petite! And their flagship on-the-loose pants are back on sale, too (these do come in petites and are just the best).
+I own this jacket in the denim color (seen below) and it is such a fabulous statement with white jeans. Love it in the brown, too — epic outfit-maker! The silhouette is clever, as you adjust a bungee on the interior to cinch the waist or let it out for a looser look.
STYLING THE KIKI DENIM JACKET WITH LESET KYOTO PANTS THIS WEEK
+Three other great VB new arrivals: this dusty pink seersucker dress (stunning in its simplicity — that gold button closure at the neck!), this terry cover up (!!!! OMG love), and these trendy sandals.
DENIM CINCH-WAIST JACKET // SEERSUCKER DRESS // WHITE JEANS // TERRY COVER UP
+I was just looking for adirondack chairs for our front yard and I came across these, on sale for $50 off apiece! I’d been thinking I wanted white but I’m tempted. Poking around the site, I also noticed they’re offering these chic terry outdoor cushions and rattan planters on a buy-one-get-one-free promotion! And these cute rattan string lights are 25% off too!
+While we’re talking early Mem Day promotions: S&L is offering up to 40% off. I’ve still been deliberating on dining room chairs but may use this occasion to snag a set of these.
+If you have a child going off to camp, check out these camp notecards! So clever!
+Warby Parker just released a series of sport sunglasses! I love the River shape.
+Great everyday shorts for dudes!
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I’ve been surprised how tactical parenting is, for lack of a better word. You really do have to pick your battles and what works for one stage or one day will suddenly not work the next. I think that’s the main reason parenting is so hard, besides of course the huge lifestyle change that comes with being fully responsible for another person.
YES, 100%. The evolution, the contingency, the up-in-the-air-ness!! It’s so challenging! You must be so nimble…
xx
“We can’t parent by committee.” Thank you for that!! I want to embroider it on a pillow… that took a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t know was there.
Oh I’m so glad that resonated!!! xx
I’ve mentioned it before I think but my son is on the autism spectrum and there’s a phrase I hear repeatedly: “if you’ve met one autistic child, you’ve met one autistic child,” which is to say, just because something works with one, there’s a personality trait there, etc. doesn’t mean another autistic child will respond the same way but I feel like it really applies to all kids and people in general. Everyone ticks in a different way and sometimes we need a different response.
Amen to this sentiment — yes! This isn’t exactly what you’re after but something we often said in the business world was “the plural of anecdote is not data.” I think about that general principle a lot when I overhear sweeping generalizations about what we should / should not do as parents. Like, yes, there can be great principles and things that work well for some kids, but it can’t be universalized!
xx
I LOVE this sentiment. We had a similiar situation with swim lessons – our daughter was hysterical so we left. At bedtime that night, she said “thanks for listening to my tears Mama.” And I knew I had made the right call. So important to listen to our kid and our guts! We are, more often than not, correct!
Thank you so much for sharing this – completely relate to that experience as you know! How sweet that she said that. Must have been so reassuring to you.
xx
I remember being in a very similar situation as a child but it was sailing- the wind was testy, I was in a bad mood, and I was just NOT feeling it that morning. My parents (similarly not one to let me give up on things easily) let me throw in the towel that day and pack it in, and it was absolutely the right choice.
So interesting to hear this from the other side!! It made a big impact!! xx