Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms and mom figures out there! What are you doing (or not doing) to celebrate? The only thing I wanted this year was pancakes for breakfast and a hike with the whole family. Then it’s on to the usual parade of sports games, laundry, and negotiating with my kids to “take a shower now please” — which is exactly where I’m meant to be today. We have entered a dense “kids’ sports” season of life and I have a couple of random thoughts on this, all relating to motherhood, come to think of it —
+This season, Landon and I have often had to divide and conquer — me taking Emory to lacrosse or soccer; Landon taking Hill to baseball or tennis — because of conflicting timing. Last weekend, Hill ran into my arms after he came home from his baseball game speaking a mile a minute about his great at-bat (“Dada called it a total bomb”), and then he asked: “Why don’t you come to my baseball games?” I felt that familiar tissue paper heart feeling. There is, of course, a valid reason: Landon is assistant coach for his team; when we split up, he needs to be at the baseball practices and games. But this is hard to rationalize to a six year old, who just wants to be seen by his mother. By some miracle, the games worked out this Sunday such that I can attend his game as well as my daughter’s, and I can’t wait to show up for him. But I feel so conflicted about all of this. Have we overextended ourselves (and our children)? I so desperately want to be present for both of them, but we’ve woven ourselves into a little logistical knot. Maybe we can reduce to one sport per child per season. This doesn’t necessarily mean the schedules won’t conflict, of course, but the likelihood is less. But then there is the other half of me that sees them thriving in their sports, improving weekly, enjoying the social aspect. It’s wonderful they are able to spend spring afternoons outside, moving their little bodies, laughing with their friends. And there is something magical about all of the one-on-one car time I’ve had with my daughter this semester. Everything has tumbled out there, in the passenger seat. I hear about her friendships, her reading, her schoolwork. I listen to her little voice sing every single word (missing none) of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Drop Dead.” She unscrews my water bottle cap for me while I’m driving while she unfolds her thoughts into my waiting lap.
Beyond that, I have loved watching them try new sports, and the schedules give all of us structure.
Still. Emory may be progressing to a point in soccer where she will have two practices a week, which seems to blot out the likelihood she (we) can handle a second sport. Do we want to pigeon-hole her at this point? Is it too intense / too much too fast? Is it good for her? Is it good for us as a family? Rhetorical questions — because I know many moms are passionate on all sides of this! And for good reasons! But I am very much in the undecided middle. Philosophically I like the idea of a wide-open childhood, with lots of time to be bored. I’m so grateful for the long summer days I spent blotting out my own boredom as a child — all those hours spent reading, biking, inventing maudlin Barbie doll plotlines with my sisters, creating forts and putting on re-enactments of Indiana Jones and “Fawlty Towers” (weird selection but true), writing and writing and writing. This past Tuesday (one of the few days with no after school commitments), my children spent the entire afternoon and early evening outdoors. They built a “nest” for animals passing through the yard made of sticks, fallen petals, leaves. They rode bikes up and down the cul de sac. They played lacrosse with their neighbors. They set up the goals in the cul de sac and kicked the soccer ball back and forth. We often give them a little screen time before dinner if they’ve finished homework, taken baths, etc, but they were so engrossed in their outdoor liberty they completely forgot about it.
So you can see I’m very much at sixes and sevens with myself. Maybe there is a middle way. One sport and elbow out the rest. We shall see.
+Another motherhood note related to sports season: I have found surprising joy in sitting on the sidelines with other mothers. On Thursday, I sat in the bleachers with a couple of moms, watching our daughters play soccer, and even though it was bizarrely cold for May (I lost in circulation in my fingers while sitting in those shadows!), when I left, I told them: “Thanks for the great company.” And I realized how deeply I meant that! We talked books (everyone is reading Strangers), jelly sandals (three of the four of us own this exact pair), and the familiar motherhood challenges of never-ending laundry and attempting to teach a child something they’re afraid of (for one, it was bike-riding; for another, swimming). A deeply good feeling, to receive one another, to compare notes on the minutaie of motherhood, to feel seen and connected. (And one of them had a set of those hand warmers in her purse — because of course moms do — and lent it to me to help with my circulation-less fingers.) An unexpected gift of this season: the friendships in the bleachers!
What are you enjoying or grappling with during whatever season of motherhood this note finds you in? Please share! The comments are a soft landing place.
*PS I can’t write this piece without letting you know that these pull-on soccer cleats are a great gift to moms all over the place, especially for kids under seven who cannot tie their own laces or who take a long time to do so. They need to learn, of course, but somehow it’s the worst possible time to have them attempt to do so while you’re racing to a game. (And if you have a boy between 6-10, he is going to freak out over these athletic shorts. My son lives in them. Landon also owns a few pairs (if you scroll down in sizing, you’ll see it runs all the way up to a men’s XL)! Cute father-son gift for Father’s Day.)
Motherhood Poetry.
In honor of Mother’s Day: my friend Meg runs a lovely podcast called Meg’s Reading Room and she invited me to read one of the pieces from Small Wonders as a part of a special Mother’s Day episode, alongside other talented mothers who are also poets. You can hear me read “The Runaway Bunny” around moment six. (You can also read them stand-alone below, too.)
I love the central visual of gentle daily transformation, and the attendant affirmation: I can meet whatever the day asks of me.
Swim + Other Summer Fun Prep.
Are you picking up any new suits for summer? I haven’t worn a bikini in a minute (years?) but I did order this Minnow one with the high-waisted bottoms. I like the coverage and I know this top style tends to be flattering on me. I’m also obsessing over these patterned Stylest suits — part of a collab with Lia Burke. Stylest suits have a fantastic, body-contouring fit, but they don’t make you feel like you’re wearing compression stockings or anything. I’m especially swooning over this silhouette with the buttons in the front. Use code JEN15 for 15% off sitewide!
A few other favorites for the season ahead:
THIS HHH — THE FIT IS SO GOOD!!! LOVE THIS PRINT
THIS ELEGANT NAUTICAL L’AGENCE
EVERYONE’S FAVORITE FLORA — THESE ROUTINELY SELL OUT ON THE FOLLOW SUIT SIGHT BUT FOUND NEARLY FULL SIZE RUNS IN SEVERAL GOOD COLORS HERE*
THIS CROCHET-TRIM J. CREW (DON’T SLEEP ON J. CREW SWIM! VERY GOOD – I GO UP A SIZE OR TWO IN IT THOUGH, FYI)
A FRIEND OF MINE INSISTS THIS COLOR HUNZA G IS INSANELY FLATTERING ON SUMMER SKIN
CUTE BRIDGERTON COLLAB WITH SUMMERSALT!
*BTW, if you’ve always loved this suit but not the cut-outs, check out this solid!
UPF 50 PACKABLE SUNHAT // FLORA SWIMSUIT (MORE HERE) // CHAPPYWRAP BEACH BLANKET (20% OFF WITH JEN20) // TERRYCLOTH COVER UP // PAPER PLATES (USE CODE JEN15) // SUMMER SCHEDULE NOTEPADS (USE CODE JEN10) // JELLY SANDALS // GIADA ONE PIECE
+Terry cover-ups are a must for the season ahead: love the options at Tuckernuck (this one just launched, Magpies have been snapping this style up for the past few weeks, and how great is this stripe?!), La Veste, and Weezie.
+Pool footwear (and beyond): per my note above, so many of my mom friends have ordered these, which I also own and adore. Great look for less option here.
+Don’t forget a great (UPF-50) packable sunhat and, if you are beach-bound, a great waterproof beach blanket (Chappywrap just launched these — use code JEN20 for a discount!). Magpies are loving these two items!
+Tuckernuck just released two epic summer dresses, both under $200: this crochet and this stripe!
+I’m obsessed with these fabulous paper plates! I ordered a few sets and will use sparingly to deliver baked goods, etc. Use code JEN15.
+New color Margo tees at Leset! Gasp, I love the chartreuse.
+A great way to keep summer weekdays organized. Use code JEN10. Lots of good teacher gift ideas here too!
+Punchy phone case in great colors. I ordered one for summer!
PHONE CASE // SANDALS // TERRY COVER UP // FISH PAPER PLATES (USE CODE JEN15) // STYLEST SWIMSUIT (USE CODE JEN15) // J. CREW CROCHET TRIM SWIMSUIT // SHELL PAPER PLATES (USE CODE JEN15) // WEEZIE TERRY POOL TOTE
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I’m late to the comments, but wanted to chime in since we’ve had lengthy discussions on this parent question. Where we landed is different for each child, and our decision for each child feels right as the approach is based wholly on our better understanding of each child. Our aha moment was realizing we are not parents willing to cajole a child into an activity – I’m not going to nag on practicing piano or fight to put on soccer shoes. When we realized this, we noticed more about our children and that noticing has informed our path. We have one bunny who is motivated by goal-setting, disciplined in a daily practice, and pursuing an activity that lights them up every time. This little bunny was unhappy in other sport contexts – didn’t like the weather elements of an outdoor sport or playing a sport once a week and not being very good at it. We followed this little bunny to a more intense training schedule for a single sport and found a happier child on the other side. Our other child needs more time to tinker, is content with playing a sport once a week and having fun while doing it but not needing more in terms of results, and merrily moves between whatever sports other friends are playing that particular season. For this little bunny, one sport per season, one day per week, is enough. I’m sure this will change over time, but figuring out who each child really is has helped guide our decision making on how our family approaches this issue.
Love this!! Really helpful and practical advice!
This kids sports decision is a tough one for sure! I’m determined to avoid travel sports for my girls, it just seems like too much of a commitment both in time and money. So far we have maxed out at two activities at once…but perhaps since they are both girls, it tends to be the same two activities for both – swimming and dance for example – but still different teams/classes due to age bc of course it couldn’t be so easy as to have them both play at once! Usually we’re at least back to back though. But we are also now entering the school sports team era, which adds another wrinkle. Especially since our school doesn’t have buses so all the parents have to drive (or carpool) to all the games. Neither of my girls has shown special skill or dedication to any one activity so who knows what we will pursue going forward. My husband is big on them playing team sports for the life-skills aspect (meanwhile I never played team sports and preferred singles tennis and track! lol). But I want to protect family time – weekends, eating dinner together at the table – over activities. So far, most of our activities have been after school on weekdays…but we’re in the middle of soccer season that has us at the park all Saturday morning (with my husband coaching both teams, yikes). I can’t imagine having Saturday mornings full all year round! I guess this is like all of parenting – try to do your best for the family and figure it out as you go, pivoting as necessary!
PS – the book The Collapse of Parenting has interesting commentary on this subject and others. I recommend!!
Nodding along to so much of what you wrote here! I feel the same corkscrew / curlicue of thoughts and emotions and reactions around all of this. This is where I land, too: “I guess this is like all of parenting – try to do your best for the family and figure it out as you go, pivoting as necessary!”
Related: we have models of all different kinds of sports families and non-sports families around us — families/parents we admire! — who have landed in different places on this. Just going to continue to feel my way through…
xx
Sorry, cut myself off above so clearly was getting too long winded, so just will wrap up with that I never stopped feeling conflicted about the balance between scheduled activities (which include more than sports- could be art or music lessons, etc) and downtime/unscheduled family life – but with the benefit of some hindsight, I appreciate all of it and realize I never would have felt I had achieved the perfect balance when “living in it.” So to you and the other parents in it now, like most things you try to make the best decisions for you and your children/family, and then don’t look back – enjoy all the moments!
This is so encouraging, Dena, and I appreciate your thoughtful note that “I never stopped feeling conflicted…” (and probably you wouldn’t have no matter where you’d landed!)
xx
Parent of college students here, both who play Division III sports (different sports). Playing college or professional sports is/was never our goal for our children, it just worked out and each child eventually became passionate enough about one sport they they self-focused on said sport, and that was not until high school. We exposed them to a variety of sports in their youth, and twisted ourselves and our family life into knots sometimes accomodating the schedules, but we always told ourselves we’d only do that as long as our children seemed happy- and that meant that sometimes we skipped a practice
Happy Mother’s Day! Our boy girl twins just turned 18 last week. Our son is huge into sports but focused on ice hockey and our daughter did figure skating, of course at different rinks. Hockey took over our lives and now that it’s nearing the end we are so grateful for the busy, long weeknights and weekends and forever friendships.
But I’m commenting because I love your use of the phrase “at sixes and sevens”. ! I’m picturing the hand motions of undecided and I’m going to have to borrow that phrase – brilliant!
Thank you Amy — this is such a great counterpoint re: the good stuff that comes with a serious commitment to a sport. I can imagine having that regular outside-of-school drumbeat with the same friends for years and years would be super valuable on its own. And just the feeling of domain mastery, too? The longtail commitment. So much good in all of that.
And yes! Sixes and sevens! I borrowed it from Shakespeare :).
xx
Obviously I have younger kids than you, but my husband was a very very serious student athlete and a surprising number of our friends are professional athletes, so I do have thoughts.
I think playing multiple sports is beneficial because we know cross-training prevents injury, and a chunk of the top athletes played multiple sports themselves. But also, overuse is a big issue for injury. If your kids played a tournament all weekend, they should be skipping practice on Monday. My husband put his body through too much as a teen and it honestly probably prevented taking it further when he was older. 3 baseball teams! Too much for a young body. Emily Edlynn summed this up much better than I could: https://open.substack.com/pub/emilyedlynn/p/why-more-training-isnt-making-kids?r=ddm&utm_medium=ios
That said, I’m so with you on the unscheduled days or downtime, that’s where my priority is at this season of life.
Thanks for these thoughts, and the link, too! I agree that there is absolutely such a thing as too much for a young body (and for a young mind, too — it’s good to have that free, unbridled time to explore, tinker, rest, etc).
xx