My son begged for a birthday party at one of those suburban trampoline parks for months. Each time the subject of his birthday came up, it was automatic: “please, please, can I go to Skyzone?” I tried to redirect, suggest other venues. This was partly (thinly) altruistic — but what if someone gets hurt? or contracts hand, foot, mouth from the foam pit? and it’s so far away! — but, I realized as I laid in bed one night, mainly selfish: I feel jittery in those settings, worried someone will get lost or injured on my watch, and it’s simply not my preferred setting at all for a million reasons, including the fact that it’s indoors, freezing, and dark when the weather is so spectacular right now. I ultimately relented. My son asks for so little, truthfully. He is the ever-easy customer, the happy string-along at his sister’s playdates and sports events, the sort who shrugs when things go haywire. I recently watched an adult do something extremely unfair to him — tearing a party favor out of his hands to see if it was better than the version his own son had received — and he was upset but forbearing, so willing to accept this adult’s authority, to submit to the petty injustices of life (and there are so many). But to do this at six…! Later than night, I went into his room and told him how unfair that situation had been. That it had be wrong. He blinked at me in slight confusion, having all but forgotten the incident. “It’s OK, Mama. It’s just a toy.”
And so I thought of the Magpie who said, in a different context, sometimes we must do things we don’t want to in order to show up for people we love. This sounds absurd, all this hand-wringing about a two hour children’s birthday party, but I did earnestly grapple with it, which surprised me. I mean, as parents, aren’t we routinely setting aside our preferences in order to accommodate the needs and wishes of our children? I don’t mean this in a martyring way, but in the sense that sometimes, the care of children feels inconvenient, and this is just part of the territory. Part of the job. Part of the whole reason why I say, so often, to recenter myself: “you’re where you need to be.” It is so easy for me to march around with my agenda and to-dos and feel upended by a last minute “he forget his lunch!” or “she needs to come home early from school today.” But when I remind myself: “this is the job of being a mother; you’re where you need to be — in this doctor’s office, in this carpool lane, or wherever my motherhood has taken me today” and the agita abates.
I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone. But I just felt I needed to say that even nine years into matrescence, I still find myself every now and then overwhelmed by even surface-level simple parts of parenthood. And sometimes what “is simple” to one mother is really hard for another. I have some mom friends who struggle deeply with bathtime; others who floundered in the newborn years; still others who panic when it comes to shepherding their kids in their academic pursuits. I am myself thinking back to the first time I gave my daughter a bath (how was it possible to wash this floppy, tender little heartbeat?! shouldn’t a nurse be doing this?!), to the first time I couldn’t get her to stop crying (she’ll actually never stop!), to the time I couldn’t cajole her stubborn toddler self to leave a playground (I guess we live at the Billy Johnson Playground from now on — pls forward my mail). The feeling of bone-deep overwhelm is harrowing. There’s this sense that I will never figure out how to make it through whatever it is I’m facing. I am thinking, acutely, and painfully, of the time my daughter refused to go to a dentist appointment, and when I say refused, I mean laid on the sidewalk of 86th Street, kicking and screaming so loudly that a stranger stopped to ask if she was OK. To clarify: the stranger asked my daughter if she was OK, as in: “is this woman bothering you?!” (“No, I’m just her defeated mother!”) I’ve never felt this in any other avenue of my life – not in relationships, in work, in the complex and daunting panoply of adult admin (taxes, forms, licenses). But in motherhood, there are those moments that threaten to eat you whole. And you sit in the belly of the whale and think, “there is no way out!”
But of course there is. There is always the next morning, the breakthrough. And, often, there is the calling in of extra hands: my cool-headed husband. In the end, you learn, forged by the living of it.
Sending love to anyone in that belly right now —
Onward!
P.S. Happy birthday to my sunshine boy, Hill. You are every good thing. Despite my apprehension about the party, it was a privilege and joy to see you so happy. It makes me feel useful and joyful to shower you with love in this way.
Sunday Shopping.
+OMG this bib-front dress just entered my cart. Swoon.
+Two pants Magpies are buying at a high velocity: these Rag + Bones (sooo good, love the drawstring waist; I’d get them in the green) and these Buck Masons (their casual-cool vibe suggests their own use case).
+Best tee ever just launched in a perfect peony pink. The blue sells out pretty much the day it launches every time — buy fast if you like!
+Magpie favorite Tropez short now in a great blockprint. All my just-launched J. Crew picks here (IMO, the true gem of the lot is this lobster cardigan! Nautical sweaters are so in for this season and I have a feeling this will sell through and not be restocked).
+Wore this skirt set to my son’s “Mary crowning” (Catholic school things!) and just loved it so much! The pattern is fab and I love the length.
+Alert: MY FAVORITE packable, UPF50 sunhat is on rare sale. It’s the brand’s flagship, bestselling style, and it’s called the “a-lister” for a reason.
+Got my hands on a pair of these “cool mom” shorts and totally get the hype now. The fit is incredible. Really flattering — sometimes these “flutter” styles just add volume but this is really a good silhouette, and almost feels like wearing nothing at all, a key criteria in my “I’m in my 40s” dressing guidelines.
+New and really good additions and deeper markdowns to the Julia Amory sale section. I love this sunshine yellow caftan, now $160, and how CHIC are these pull-on oxford-material shorts?! While you’re there, loving the brand-new “Piper” silhouette dress! (Use code JEN-15)
+If you’re in the market for a turquoise piece for summer and don’t want to splurge on the Dorsey, you might consider this perfect station necklace option.
+Still a few left (on sale!) of this elite Negative whipped crewneck.
+Obsessed with this geranium red wrap skirt and this Pucci-coded linen caftan in Boden’s latest arrivals! And this just-launched white eyelet confection is nearly sold out!
+Stocked up on this natural bug repellent for summer.
+Big sale happening at Toteme!!! It includes their iconic t-lock clutch in the mini size at a good price. The red is so fun! And if you’ve been looking to upgrade your wallet: ooh la la.
This content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
