A few weeks ago, I was steeling my way through a complex personal matter (not trying to be mysterious, just protecting the privacy of loved ones), and my Dad, who understood the bare bones of the issue, replied: “You’re doing the right thing.” This, is in the context of a thread titled “Peloton Wolf Pack” where we otherwise coordinate which rides to do and when with a few of my other siblings. This, in response to my every attempt to be rational, dispassionate, and succinct on the subject. This, in the middle of an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. I was leaning against the kitchen counter checking my phone, and the words landed like a warm hand on my back. The comfort of that simple, blanketing support. The way it washed over me and colored everything a serene cerulean. Tenured Dad move, I guess, to understand not to get into the details, but to simply stand by the door frame and say: “You got this.”
The older we get, the more independent and capable we become, the less we find those kinds of reassurances. Perhaps — the less we need those reassurances. Isn’t maturity learning to be full without feedback? To stand still in our centers? And yet. The way I clung to those words. The way they opened like a hug. Maybe we can get by just fine, but my goodness — I paddled far into the wake on that one gentle reassurance. Tiny, mighty rescue boat if I’ve ever seen one.
What’s something (perhaps surprising) you needed to hear recently?
Sometimes, I should note, these rescue boat come from my children, by the way — little chirps of celebration or encouragement that seem to smoke-signal a wisdom well beyond their years. I keep thinking about two things my daughter said yesterday, actually —
The first: I slipped on the ice in our driveway and completely wiped out (two legs in the air like a cartoon character — but I’m fine!), and my daughter’s urgent, high-pitched: “Mama, are you OK?!” as she attempted to scurry to my side (wearing her boot on her injured ankle!) will forever be imprinted in my mind. The immediacy of her concern, the dropping of her usual sardonic tone, the way she sprinted to be of assistance! I don’t know why, but I suddenly saw the two of us as we might be in thirty, forty years — her helping me — and was so moved by the image I had to swallow, hard, to collect myself. The gorgeous reciprocal push-pull of mother-daughter relationships. The way we need one another. I wish I’d not fallen; I wish she’d not been worried. But her concerned voice in that moment is something that I will hang onto for a long time.
The second: on the way home from school, she noted that the Disney Nuimo she wears on her backpack was scruffy looking, and asked: “Can you wash this?” I said I thought I could, and then she paused and said, “No. If it’s dirty it just shows how much I love it.” (!!) I was so struck by the wisdom of that assessment, by her willingness? desire? to “show her own love.” Maybe this insight was shaped by The Velveteen Rabbit, or Winnie the Pooh? Wherever it came from, I love her young grasp of the idea that we should use the things we love. That patina, that markings, that laugh lines are simply proof of affection. The fact that my keyboard no longer has the letters E, R, T, A, or S written on the keys and that I and L are not long for this world either: worn down by heavy use, dedication, self-discovery. It made me think, too, of this brown leather bomber jacket Landon wore when we were first dating. It had tartan lining and he looked incredibly hot in it — and distinguished, too, as it was unusual to see a leather jacket on a 20 year old waiting to get into Coupe de Ville’s on a Friday night in Charlottesville, Virginia. But it had one noticeable scuff on the back, and I grew to love that little mark. The character of it. The story it had to tell (and it did have a story, but I don’t think I’m allowed to share it here — ha). The beloved imperfection of it. He wore that jacket for decades, and still, when I see photos of him in it, I think immediately, almost subconsciously, of that little scuff mark. It only added to its (and his) appeal.
All of these comments — “you’re doing the right thing”; “mama, are you OK?!”; “If it’s dirty it just shows how much I love it” — chime like those fragile bells I’ve written about in the past. The little everyday words, interactions, noticings that draw us to what really matters in life, and remind me — yet again! — that love is always the point.
Other gorgeous and deceptively simple things that I have needed to hear over the years:
“You’re doing better than you think”
“Results are normal”
“If it’s a calling, it will keep calling”
“You’re where you need to be”
“Congratulations and welcome to the graduating class of…”
“I just needed to hear your voice”
“The same exact thing happened to me!”
“What’s meant for you will not miss you”
“You’re hired!”
“Rejection is redirection”
“I know exactly how you feel”
“We’ll get to the bottom of this”
“Everything is going to be OK”
Post-Scripts.
+More reassurances for a rainy day.
+What would my 70 year old self say?
Shopping Break.
+Totally charmed by this colorblocked spring fleece. (Honestly, I’m obsessed with the statement fleece I picked up from The Great a few weeks ago. I wear it every day to and from school drop-off! It’s so joyful and comfortable. This colorblocked one is a fun alt for about half the price, and this one from the Great is on sale!)
+Can’t stop thinking about this dusty pink shorts lounge set for spring (half-zip here). The color is so good, and that doublesoft material is divine. And these continue to be a go-to in my loungewear repertoire. So flattering and slimming on the leg; so comfortable; come in a short inseam!
+I recently wore this silk cami out to dinner beneath a chunky statement cardigan (this, to be exact!) and loved the texture contrast. Also think it will look fab tucked into lighter wash denim like this or this for date night as it gets warmer (again, love anything with contrast — the casualness of the denim; the sauciness of the tank!). I found a great look for less for the Cami NYC here. This pintuck variation is also super chic and sexy beneath a blazer / cardigan!
+On-trend $30 bandana scarf in a great blue color! And, while you’re there, a pretty beaded necklace to layer with your usual stack this spring.
+This is such a great striped sweater. It hits right at the narrowest part of the waist and looks so good layered over jeans and even (as I’ve seen a very chic mom do at carpool) leggings and sneakers. Vibe for less with this.
+Speaking of Staud: gorgeous spring dress (this silhouette is so flattering!) on super sale. Easter option!
+Obsessing over this Buck Mason head to toe look: this rugby, these pants (a more approachable take on the taffeta ones from Donni), and Miu Miu boat shoes.
+Have been hearing good buzz about this bonding shampoo for those of us with color treated hair. The brand just sent me a bottle and I’m going to alternate with our beloved Virtue to make sure I’m taking care of my treated hair!
+These are such great eyeglasses for petite faces! I really love mine. (In case you’re in the market for new famres: I also think these are pretty and these are CHIC and smart-looking (also charmingly called “the Bronte”…!)
+Dreamy whisper-pink cashmere.
+Per my post on “chic home things“: brass light switch plates (swoon — they had these in our hotel on Lake Como, Passalacqua) and drawer pulls. And three very chic cocktail tables to make sure guests in your living room have a convenient place to sit a cup wherever they are: this, this (we have one of these in our family room — it took forever for them to make it and then ship it, be warned!, but it does spark joy), this.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
I was recently chatting with a friend/coworker about feeling angry in parenting. She said, more than once, “You’re too hard on yourself.” In the moments of anger and frustration and impatience that have happened in the few days since that conversation, I have repeated her words and felt my body relax.
My 3 year old hugged me the other day and said “I love your ponytail. Why is it so sparkly?” about my gray hairs. What a beautiful reframe.
These are so beautiful — so, so sweet. I agree with you on the parenting. I’ve also had strangers, pediatricians, and teachers say: “Good job, Mom” about random things and it gives me the best feeling — just to be seen for my efforts!
xx
Love these sentiments, Jen!
A few to add:
Your mistakes don’t define you.
You are worthy of rest.
You are stronger than you think — you’ve survived every hard day so far.
And the very simple, “Thinking of you” is such a comfort.
Might be a hot take, but I must say I bristle at “I know exactly how you feel”. My internal response is, “do you really?” I feel more validated with something like “I hear you/I see you”.
Love these additions! Adding these to my reassurance bank 🙂
That’s interesting – you’re the second person who has said that about “I know how you feel.” This is going to make me think more carefully before using. I usually feel such a wash of empathy when someone says that, i.e., “I’ve been there before, I see you in this!” but can see how it might land differently. I am thinking of this specific moment where I was really sick and my FIL sat with me, held my hand, said, “I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had this exact thing happen.” And it just made me feel so unalone (and also made me think: I’ll get through this!)
xx
I needed to hear… You’re not a bad person. You’re human.
Amen!!!
I don’t think anyone can get through life without a support system. It truly takes a village. And for those who don’t have it from friends or family hopefully they get it from other systems. Being kind costs nothing!
Does Landin still have this jacket?
Is the peloton wolf pack all okay now and have you done bike marathons or running marathons with your siblings or just have matching shirts or something? I don’t have siblings and this will continue to blow my mind….my partner is one of 4 and is the oldest all boys. A lot of big personalities when you mix in the brothers, wives, and children.
All Magpies on Board and eyes and ears waiting for our fearless leader calling us…(you being the fearless leader)
Because your writing seems to always hit the spot.
Agree with this! Being kind costs nothing! I was thinking of how easy it is to send a quick “checking in on you” text. Costs nothing, takes almost no time, but means so, so much when you’re in the weeds with something. Trying to be better about responding quickly to messages and sending those kinds of little “thinking of yous.”
Landon does not have the jacket — gasp! We had to retire it eventually. I bought him a replacement though 🙂
xx