There is a beautiful part in Belle Burden’s memoir, Strangers, where she talks about imagining her grandmother sitting with her as she struggles to pass the lonely, blue hours after her husband has left her during the depths of the pandemic. Belle is idling in front of a puzzle, trying to keep her hands busy as she processes her grief and alienation, and her grandmother appears next to her, a warm presence. She recalls her grandmother teaching her cards and backgammon in her youth, and permitting her to try on her jewelry in front of the mirror in her closet — those slender, precious memories of our grandparents that we carry with us forever, with the unambiguous subtext: you matter, you are loved.
I knew intimately and with specificity the sensation she was talking about. I’ve written about a similar experience here, explaining:
“I saw my grandmother just now —
I was looking in the mirror, and she stared straight back.
My cheekbones, the ones I have studied since my teens, were not mine at all. They were mine for a split-second, and then hers. Or rather, they were hers for 76 years, and now mine.”
Later, I added: “Last week, I found words scant, scattered like lion-stalked gazelle, chased out by fear and worry. This thing, this boundless hunger to dip my heart in ink, withdrew in strike, growing gaunt in the spinney. My grandmother looked back at me, her cheekbones carved delicate like mine, and I felt just as I did those days in the plastic pool: held, and looked after.”
Does your grandmother visit with you? What is that experience like?
When I think of Grandma Carm, I think of her delicate features, so similar to mine; her petite stature, also my own. I think also of her warmth, the way she climbed into my bed with me when tucking me in at night: a kind of intimacy I did not have with my maternal grandparents. I felt so close to her, and yet I saw her only a few times a year, and then she passed away when I was young — maybe ten or eleven. The impression she left on me, though, partly offset by the reverence my Dad had (and has) for her, remains outsized relative to the extent of our relationship. But I am learning, as a mother myself, that grandparents play such a particular and prominent role in the life of a child that it almost doesn’t matter how much time you spend with them. They cast a long shadow.
Now, I watch my own parents and in-laws dote on my children in ways that feel overly generous, soft. They let things slide. They praise and laugh easily. I remember my father watching one of his grandchildren remove every single tissue from a tissue box on the floor of his home in NW D.C. This was shocking. My father, while gentle and loving, ran a tight ship when I was growing up; he would never have tolerated this waste or mess in my younger years. (I am remembering a time he thought* one of my sisters had flushed a paper towel down the toilet in his brand-new house in Naples, Florida, which in turn meant he spent the first day of his vacation with a plumber. He was livid, and we spent much of that morning in tense silence.) I waited for his reaction to the tissue blizzard in front of us, then asked: “Should I…?” To my surprise, he just crossed his legs the other way and said: “Let him.”
One of the first times my mother-in-law stayed late into the night at our house in Bethesda to look after the children while Landon and I went out to an event, I came home and found my then four-year-old daughter still awake on the couch, sleepy-eyed but happy. She was tucked in between her grandparents, swaddled in blankets, watching the television. It was probably 10:30 p.m. — easily the latest she’d ever been awake in her life. My mother-in-law turned to me and said: “A disciplinarian I am not.” We laughed, and I happily accepted this clearly-drawn role she’d designed for herself: she would be there whenever we needed her, but (and) she was going to be lenient with the children. And she has been — and I can see that among the many legacies she will leave to my children, the main one will be: let’s have a little fun. When she stays over, the children do any number of whimsical things that they in turn talk about in excited tones for the weeks and years following: “Gigi sprays whipped cream right into my mouth!”, “Gigi let me use an old, stale baguette to hit baseballs in the front yard,” “Gigi led us in parade around the house!”, “Gigi let me play video games at 6 a.m. this morning.” (This last one spoken with a mischievous, gleeful glint in my son’s eye, as if he still can’t believe he got away with it.)
What are the legacies your grandmothers left you? If you are a grandmother, what are the ones you are intending to leave for your grandbabies?
A few things Landon and I have inherited from the incredible grandmothers in our lives:
The house rule that a properly-shuffled deck has been shuffled seven times (my own siblings rail against this one, but rules are rules)
A gorgeous bedtime prayer**
An exceptional Italian Christmas cookie recipe
A cardigan with embroidered butterflies — a little moth-eaten now, but deeply treasured
A pearl choker***
A handwritten recipe for pierogis
A funky piece of lion artwork
My facial features and petite stature
My daughter’s spitfire energy (my husband often says: “Emory is a Currey woman, through and through”; it’s as though she directly inherited her grandmother and great-grandmother’s energy)
A rabbit’s foot
A preference for coffee ice cream (Landon’s grandmother’s favorite, and now a flavor he frequently seeks out)
The feeling of being held and looked after, even now
*****
*I say thought because there remains some significant family debate about what actually happened.
*Bedtime prayer: “God in heaven, hear my prayer; keep me in thy loving care. Be my guide in all I do; bless all those who love me too.” (We’ve been saying this prayer nightly with our children since they were born, then going into a litany of who we want to bless.)
**When I was 16, my grandmother gave me a stunning set of pearls that had belonged to her when she was younger. Six months later, I wore it to Christmas dinner, and my grandmother gasped and said: “Oh my, where did you get those enormous pearls?!” We had a good laugh when she realized these were the exact ones she’d worn when she was younger. I guess they looked a lot bigger on my 16-year-old neck!
Post-Scripts.
+More on my grandparents here.
Shopping Break.
+OMG — J. Crew released its Luna pants in a blue gingham. I ordered so quickly in the petite inseam — already selling out in select sizes. These are a great look for less for the wildly popular Donni ones — but in a more wearable cotton/linen.
+This navy terrycloth cover-up is so charming!
+This gingham top and shorts duo — j’adore. Sets like this look adorable together but then can work in so many other ways, too: the top beneath overalls (as I wore here), paired with white or denim shorts or jeans, tucked into a white skirt! The shorts layered over a swimsuit, paired with a tank or a sweater!
+Reminder that Credo is still running its 20% off sitewide sale — this tinted SPF has been VERY popular among magpies (I wear the color “light aura”). It’s fantastic for mornings you don’t have the time or inclination to apply makeup. Provides a touch of coverage, some glow, and SPF. You can put it on with your fingers. Easy! Runner up in the sale: my favorite bronzing drops (not self-tanner — more like a liquid bronzer that you blend in).
+Dorsey brought back its nano turquoise collection as a prelude to summer. I have to say, these pieces are extra special. I wear the bracelet all the time as part of my wrist stack — just a great pop of color and contrast, and looks fantastic with tanned summer skin. Imagine the necklace with a simple white strappy linen dress. Spectacular! (I also love their paracord series for summer! This is so fun layered with other everyday jewelry against a striped summer knit or tank top.)
+If you like the turquoise look but not the price tag, I found some good look for less options: this bracelet, this necklace.
+Just obsessed with these rollneck sweaters. I have in a few colors and — La Ligne’s knits are just truly a cut above. Really soft, plush cotton and a gorgeous weave. Perfect dimensions and silhouette. All the best colors. Pair with these white eyelet trim pull-on shorts for a perfect transition-to-summer look.
+Swooning over this Ann Mashburn dress. The stand collar! The pattern! The sash! Everything.
+Speaking of stand collars, this is in my cart. I trust this brand implicitly and have been hearing incredible things about the details on this particular style. I want to tuck into a skirt like this.
+Theraplush launched a limited edition “pearl” hand cream pump set (with two refill pods) — this is one of my favorite little luxuries! I keep mine on my bedside table — pretty enough to keep out and a good reminder to apply before bed. The lotion really works. I love that the lid can double as a ring dish, too. I gave several girlfriends and sisters these for Christmas. Great gift.
+In the summer months, we keep this enormous pump bottle of SPF right by the back door. THE BEST sunscreen for families (so easy to apply, smells great, goes on pretty sheer), and love the pump applicator. I just ordered this bundle including two aerosol variations because my kids find that easier to apply when they’re at camp and responsible for reapplication!
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