Emory’s ankle fracture consumed all of our attention this week. She is doing much better now that she is out of the splint and into the boot, and the most important thing is that she is no longer in pain. I have taken care not to call her leg “injured” but “healing” (be precious with words!), and she is in high spirits — her usual sardonic, sparring self.
Now that we’ve gotten her to stability, I have been writing to learn what I think about it all. There was so much going on with the incident. I keep groping for the right metaphor here, but the sensation is one that any parent will intuitively “get”: it’s like picking up what you think is a single card and finding out there is actually an entire deck beneath, and you’ve spilled them all over the floor, and they need to be picked up immediately, and while the wind is impeding your progress. What I mean is: it’s never simply caring for your injured/sick child, or handling an incident at school, or finding treatment for their needs. It’s 1000 micro-tasks adjacent and ancillary to that purpose, from figuring out “where do we take her? which hospital?” after she’d hurt herself (we were an hour away from home) and “what do we do with her brother while she’s in the ER?” to comforting her and helping her manage her pain and fear (she seemed more upset about the concept of having a broken bone than she was about the physical pain of it!) to rush-ordering children’s Ibuprofen via Uber at 9 pm to finding a pediatric orthopedist who could see her on short notice for a follow-up, crafting that irritating venn diagram of insurance coverage, location, doctor reputation/referral, availability, to communicating all of this with the appropriate documentation to her school to the new daily routines of helping her up and down stairs, navigating our home with a walker, changing her clothing, etc. This and down-the-street interactions, too: How do we talk about the accident? How do we gently encourage her to express an interest in skiing again? We had a wonderful family conversation over dinner when she asked, philosophically, “Why did this happen to me?” and we talked about “ships are safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are made for.”
This is not to complain, just to say — sometimes it is helpful, when you are feeling underwater, to lay out all those cards on the table and say: “Oh yeah. No wonder I’m feeling this way. This is a lot to carry!” Nothing dire, nothing that can’t be solved, no task I can’t complete. Just a lot on top of the usual. And damn! It is hard to see your child in pain! And to see your husband clench his jaw because he can’t bear it either.
I was reflecting on this and noticing something in myself: I find myself a prickly pear when I’m in what Landon helpfully diagnosed (in one of our many conversations this week on the topic of her injury) as “the discovery phase” of a small-ish situation or decision. For bigger decisions, I understand there is a process to it, and I’m not only aware of but comfortable with the fact that it takes gestation time — and lots of trying — to write a book, to start a business, to move homes, to transfer a child to a new school. I’m OK living in that messy indecision space. I trust the process. But I find that in smaller realms, I itch to be on the other side of data-gathering, with a plan in place, almost as soon as the decision presents itself. I find I resent the open-tab feeling — a hazard of having what Landon once euphemistically called “a bias for action.”
I had to remind myself this week: the mess is the process. I had to put in the time to find the right doctor for her. I had to pause and think through the hospital options. What use is it to grit my teeth, to heave, against this requisite phase? Let me accept what comes. Let me practice forbearance. Let me become the lowest heart rate in the room. And I think having the phrase “I’m not overwhelmed, I’m just in discovery mode” will be a helpful mnemonic moving forward — if for nothing else, naming the headspace. Giving that side-winding feeling a title.
Onward, Magpies —
(First the challenge, then the change!)
Post-Scripts.
+On being a joyful witness in my motherhood.
+On watching my daughter recover.
+For something sunnier: something funny my husband said…
Shopping Break.
+STOP, J. Crew’s new arrivals are SO good. I’ve felt like this winter has been a little sleepy from them (with the exception of their fab fleet of rollnecks) but I love this shirt-dress, these pastel Cosmo pants, this eyelet-collar sweatshirt, and this oversized silk bandana!
SWEATSHIRT // PANTS // SCARF // DRESS
+Also, the styling here gave me a fresh new idea: pair my Doen skirt with my Alex Mill jacket.
+Perfect beaded layering necklace for spring.
+My favorite sneakers for walks around the neighborhood.
+These pink jeans have been popular among Magpies. Meanwhile, I ordered a new pair of Mothers to try (petite sizing!). I was sold on the fit after seeing them here. Here they are in the non-petite inseam.
+Another pretty spring blouse — love the stripe, collar, sleeve length! In my cart.
+NEW colors/flavors of the Eadem chouchou lip treatment for fellow collectors/fans. “Shaved ice” and “chateau rose” — so pretty and spring-y.
+Sort of a dark irony because she can only wear one right now, but Emory’s Rothy’s clogs arrived and are absolutely adorable!
+Back to Mother Denim for a sec: did you see they just launched an entire capsule called MAGPIE? OMG. I love all the playful designs — esp this groovy sweatshirt.
+Currently wearing this perfect robin’s egg blue tee.
+Down to the final few of these deeply-discounted rain-resistant boots we love so much! Perfect for April showers. But I also love several of their just-released styles, including these powder blue suede sneakers (!) and these fringed loafers, which I ordered! (Use code MAGPIE10).
+How adorable are these fabric-wrapped frames for a child’s room?! This liberty floral!
+For your baseball loving son!
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I saw the Mother MAGPIE collection and thought of you!