“Oh, it’s all part of the process.”
I have the sense-memory of this comment peppered throughout my youthful, striving years, the words often issued by seasoned practitioners who were on the other side of success — ones who meant well but forgot how tender-petaled you are when you carry the cacophonous and mildly dangerous combination of inexperience and ambition. Rejection letters, the crestfalling silence after submitting or publishing something (almost worse, in some ways, than the blunt “We regret to inform you” stock), drafts marked up by ink and the apprehension of your ineptitude. “Oh, it’s just part of the process.” Crushing!
But there is also great beauty in the mess of making. It is easier for me to see this in mediums not my own. For example, when I worked with Inslee, I bore witness to her revisioning process, and I found the flit of her mind from draft to draft a thing of spectacular nimbleness and originality. A pollinator delicately moving from flower cup to flower cup, carrying accretive magic with her. Yesterday, my friend Claire took photographs of me and my new book (seen above), and I found myself inspired — moved, really — by the way she’d sometimes lapse into silence, head tilting, brow furrowed, seeming to have temporarily floated out from and above my company, as she’d evaluate a slightly better angle, lighting arrangement, positioning of my hands. You could tell when she’d hit the right perch: “oh, yes!” with crescendo. And then she’d descend back into energetic conversation, Zeus and his thunderbolt.
I thought this, too, when I emptied my entire closet in preparation for the photo shoot, trying on every outfit under the sun only to land on the simplest, cleanest pieces — timeless styles I won’t mind looking back on ten, twenty years down the road, and that let the book do the talking besides. (This was a bizarrely taxing exercise for me, someone who dresses by mood and instinct, and aspires to not take her fashion self too seriously. I am the opposite of a future-proofer when it comes to my closet: give me the bold color, the fun shape, the barrel leg, the flutter sleeve! Let me live in this fashion moment, right here where my feet are planted!). Anyhow, halfway through the process, I felt defeated. I was hours into trying things on, and my bedroom was in mayhem, and I’d procrastinated on starting the task until way too late. But I looked down and saw a gorgeous mess of colors and textures and something clicked. I suddenly found the answer.
Here is what I mean to say:
+Everything appears chaotic right before you settle on the correct path. It’s almost as if things need to fall apart, and fully, before you can take the next step. If you’re in that moment of mess, whether we’re talking about career, personal health, parenting, art, business: I’ve been in that position of great uncertainty many times, and it’s usually a signal that you’re about to level up. This doesn’t make it any less harrowing, but does help you trust the process and keep moving forward.
+I am thinking of one of the best lessons from my former life in non-profit management: I used to get physically sick before public speaking events. I’d shake uncontrollably backstage, feel nauseous and wrung out. Then I worked with a speech coach who said: “Oh, that’s completely normal. Actually, you’re lucky that happens. That’s just your body telling you it’s ready to go.” Who knows if this was reverse psychology, some hacky mental trick — but it worked, and I choose to believe its truth. I began to see the nerves “working for me” versus “working against me.” We were, finally, rowing in the same direction. Me and my nerves, sculling in a shared shell.
+The mess of making can be full of beautiful accidents and discoveries if you surrender to it. I’ve grown to love the state of play I enter into when I’m in deep writing mode. I hadn’t fully thought about this until writing about watching Inslee and Claire at work. I suppose it’s more difficult to see, or it’s second nature in some way. But yes, when I am in a writing flow, I am at play. Covering and uncovering words, phrases. Shell-seeking synonyms. Watching a phrase dissolve or return. Dragging a loose clause from the bottom of a document and letting it air-dry on the sun-warmed stretch at the top. It is collage, it is pastiche! A glitter of language. A confetti of confession. When you are making something, let it be messy and light. Don’t rush the red ink.
******
A distillation of these thoughts, in a squat square format —
Post-Scripts.
+Are you a jackhammer or a hummingbird?
+Words of encouragement for fellow writers.
+On shaking hands with the blank page.
Shopping Break.
+I ordered this gorgeous skirt this week! I want to pair with green/butter yellow knits and white tees!
+When these Celine sunglasses were further discounted to 60% off, I had to order them! I have these in tortoise and they’re very flattering on petite faces. The pink is fun for summer.
+Love the look of these $108 pink jeans. Cute lil striped boxy tee to pair them with.
+Fun cordless table lamp. The shape of the shade!
+Updated my Shopbop hearts with SUCH fun new spring finds.
+Reminder that this is one of my favorite swimsuits ever. I think the thin, wide straps are so flattering. I now have my sights set on this bikini. Of course, we all love this Flora style, too. I have in the red. The fit is SO GOOD. Slightly sexy with the notch at the bust, but full coverage and playful with those petal cut-outs. (Runs TTS.)
+Three fun coats if you’re looking for a break in monotony: this puffer, this Sezane x SEA, and this patchwork (in my cart).
+Another great La Ligne look for less. Love the blue and white stripe! (More on La Ligne sweaters and looks for less here.)
+Gracious double bordered jute rug.
+Have this cool layered sports bra in my cart. (Anything to encourage me to remain in my fitness rhythm!) Also – a lot of you ordered this cropped fitness tee on my rec last week! It’s a performance material and it hits at the most flattering part of your waist (looks great with high-waist leggings). Don’t forget to use code SHOOP20 for 20% off.
+Such a cool head to toe evening look: this sweater, this skirt. Blue on blue on blue.
+Ann Mashburn released a gorgeous new pattern in their iconic shirtdress silhouette.
+Reminder that Ann is still running a great end-of-season sale: don’t miss this popover or this classic cardigan (you can make this look fresh and modern with a contemporary denim silhouette and a white tee peeking out from beneath the collar).
+Love the color and silhouette of this cardigan.
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