After my unexpectedly emotional reaction to Hill’s rentree, I spent some time mining for meaning. My first thought: sometimes motherhood just nails you out of the blue, no reason or subtext or arriere-pensee. It’s one of those mysteries of parenthood, how you’ll be speeding through a day and suddenly your heart is in your throat as you look at your daughter across the dining room table or realize you’ve been carrying a toy car in your pocket all afternoon. It’s that wordless, boundless love spilling up and over a random moment on a Tuesday.
Meanwhile, my husband — who was also caught off-guard by back-to-school (he came home after day-two drop-off and said “I caught Hill turning to look for me over his shoulder when I was driving off…” and then trailed off with some throat clearing — I could tell he’d been hit by the same blueness I had) — suggested that maybe we were struggling because we’d had such a tight-knit summer together. We had those two golden weeks abroad, and then we spent all of August at home. Emory had a busier month with a couple of sports and academic camps, but Hill had only a couple of private tennis lessons (always with one or the other of us chaperoning) and a handful of afternoons with baby-sitters and grandparents. For all intents and purposes, we have been together. He has been singing Tucker Wetmore and doing puzzles in the dining room, playing with legos on the floor of his bedroom (he always yells out “hello!” from his room when we pass by or go up or down the stairs next to his door), and popping into and out of our offices with questions, demands, entreaties for screen time, observations about the birds and garbagemen and Pokemon Pokopia. Maybe we just miss him more because he’s been so woven into the fabric of our days, we’ve had to loosen some stitches to accommodate the new norm.
But I think, too, I have been carrying an invisible worry over our decision to have him switch schools this year. I won’t get into all the math and intuition that went into the change, but — I’ve felt torn about it for a few reasons. And I fretted that my decision-making would adversely impact him. So I think I have been heading into this year holding my breath, waiting for…something. Bracing for impact of some kind. Mainly, worrying too much.
Because — he’s been fine. Cool as a cucumber. Curious about the new. Silly as any seven year old. He comes home every day with his usual bright voice: “I’m back, mama!” or leaps into my car with a smile. I realized the other day that sometimes that’s what an answer looks like: your son leaping into the car like usual. Zeus isn’t going to descend from the skies and proclaim: “You’ve made the right choice!” No one is going to hand me a certificate. It’s just going to be hunch and heart. And time.
Honestly, the older I get, the more I realize that most answers are slow-release. A lot of times, reassurance emerges through trickles and trivial gestures. More like clearing skies than a singular event.
I mean — sometimes, an answer is what is not said or done.
Sometimes it is the absence of regret.
Sometimes it takes the shape of something as trivial as a hesitation, a sigh, a shift in body weight.
Sometimes it is a daybreak sense of relief, or realizing somewhere over the course of the past few weeks, you’ve stopped worrying about something.
Sometimes an answer is that incalculable feeling that something is off — and it almost presents like mental rugburn. Abrasive, irritating, but not necessarily urgent-feeling. It’s a nuisance noise, a mosquito buzzing or biting. Yes, that, too, can be an answer.
Sometimes an answer exists in a paragraph break.
Sometimes it’s in whatever is waking you up at night.
Sometimes it’s a tiny ick or a minuscule green flag.
Or the faintest, first-blush intuition that you’re on the right path — to me, a sensation that all the interior furniture has been put in the right place. Or if not the right place, a good resting place for now.
Mainly, the biggest tell as to whether you’ve made the right choice: a quiet mind.
Right now, I’m surrendering to whatever truth emerges, and whatever shape the answer takes.
Post-Scripts.
+I wrote more on this theme here.
+Some of my favorite joyful Instagram follows.
Shopping Break.
+Keeping all my best Labor Day Weekend sale finds here!
+Ordered this dress in the evergreen over the weekend. The pockets! I also love the color — feels like it could work for Thanksgiving into holiday. Also threw in this striped tee in the blue collegiate stripe.
+I also picked up this Doen-esque checked blouse! Perfect for pumpkin patch / apple picking with jeans. (Also love this paisley print one that is actually from Doen…!)
+Seriously cute barrel leg overalls at Gap. Love that brown color!
+It feels like everyone is offering a denim chore/barn jacket but I’m super loving this style from Paige (currently 25% off). The nipped-in waist!!! As a petite, I find a lot of boxier styles swallow me whole. Also love this dark wash.
+Wore this sweatshirt-material (terry!) cardigan in the dark navy with the Cadets pants (use code EXTRACRISPY) — they are a match made in heaven. I also mentioned this sweatshirt-material jacket last week and you LOVED it. Many of you snagged. The colors are amazing. Try code CHEERS at checkout.
+My favorite fall shoes. I already pulled them out. They are like a massage on the foot! I won’t stop chirping about these. You need a pair. I wear around the house and then have a pair I wear out and about.
+Epic Boden fall collection, and (at time of writing) you can get 10% off with code RNMV). I love this fair isle fleece, this merino wool sweater (the “hood” / collar is so good!), and this tie neck sweater in the red!!!
+LOVE the idea of that sweater with either dark rinse denim and a bold shoe OR striped jeans and a boat shoe.
+Rag+Bone new arrivals alert! Digging this half-zip and these dark rinse jeans!
+Have a feeling these WNU striped tees are about to go viral. Fab color combos but also I love those ribbed, wrist-hugging cuffs?
+Happy Chappywrap season! The new fall prints are beyond cozy and chic.
+New petite denim styles at Mother! These have been around for awhile, but I love them. That twist seaming does something magical to the leg — lengthens and slims.
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