What has surprised you about motherhood?
(Besides the obvious: everything. Ha. To put a finer point on it, there is nothing more humbling than a second child, whose behaviors and patterns will undermine your faith that you had any role in what went on with your first child.)
Here are a few specific experiences that have surprised me:
+How much of it involves estimations and judgment calls you feel unqualified to make: whether and when to take your child to the doctor. Whether and when to intercede on their behalf versus let them figure it out on their own — especially when a sibling or friend is involved. Whether and when to push them to persist in an activity, sport, undertaking, as sometimes they need the forcing mechanism and sometimes they’re telling you “this is not for me” and you must listen. Whether and when, whether and when!
+The wonder and beauty of watching their own relationship develop with one another. Landon took my son camping this weekend and when I was unpacking my son’s backpack after they returned, I found a note my daughter had tucked in as a surprise. I was so touched, so caught off guard, but her thoughtfulness, and by their secret channel of connection and communication.
+The strange challenge of letting go of how they dress. This feels trivial, but I loved dressing my children — especially my daughter — in beautiful clothing. Smocking, ribbons, embroidery, pram coats, mary janes. I still look through old photos with wistful happiness. But when my daughter turned six, she began to rebel and I realized that this was not a hill I wanted to die on. I observed, too, that her clothing preferences were taking on the shape of something slightly larger, and I thought to myself: listen, Jen, when your children are telling you who they are.
+That doing the small things well, with care and consistency, is a lot of times more important than pulling off the grand gesture. I know this because I forgot my daughter’s lunch once in her entire life — left it at home, on the kitchen counter, and we’d already taken the Subway from the Upper West Side down to her Montessori school in Flatiron, and she still talks about “that one time I forgot the lunch.” Creating the comforting norms, doing the small things well, is everything. The way you cut their sandwiches, the songs you sing while tying their shoes. These are not nothing. They are the fabric of motherhood and will far outlast and outweigh the one-time big birthday party, the elaborate weekend. This has in turn given me conviction to focus on the routines and small, close-in celebrations.
+How sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, a tiny interaction or detail can totally rend your heart in two. I’ve written about this previously as expecting to fish for trout and reeling in a whale instead. The disjoint between the incipient moment and its emotional response cannot be overstated. It is 10:37 a.m. and I’ve already cried twice today on this score. I’m about to leave for two nights, and watching my son walk up the hill to his school with his enormous backpack dwarfing him this morning left me unexpectedly blinking back tears. He kept turning and waving me away with a sheepish grin — “mom, go!” he seemed to be saying — but I just sat there with the engine running, watching my heart walk away from me. When I returned home, I noticed his Pikachu stuffed animal on the breakfast table. He is seven; I’m not sure how much longer he’ll carry a stuffed toy around. The earnestness of him propping Pikachu up by his bowl of cereal hit me hard, again. Oh, that walloping feeling. Now familiar to my motherhood experience as anything else, but not something I had anticipated, this unexpected heft.
+On the flipside, some of the bigger moments in motherhood — times I’ve had to step in to soothe a serious injury (my daughter’s fractured ankle, my son’s burnt balm) or discipline for a grave infraction — have drawn out calm and clear-headedness I don’t normally possess. Afterwards, I step back and think: who was that, with her purposefulness and quiet?
+On a lighter note: how much trash I carry around. I swear that a stranger could approach and hand me a Kind bar wrapper or an empty bag of goldfish and I’d accept it unflinchingly. I am a walking garbage can; one of the first routine things I do when returning home is empty my bag of the refuse my children have handed me while out and about.
+Similarly: picking up socks. My personal Sisyphus contribution.
+Further: moving miscellany from one corner of my house to another. If we were to zoom out on our homes with a time-lapse camera, you’d simply see mothers ping-ponging around the homes carrying their children’s belongings from one room to the next. Absurd!
+How much time I spend crying while looking at pictures of them in bed. Even just 20 minutes after tucking them in.
+Finally, how much of motherhood requires you to observe rather than act. I would say 90% of my motherhood is watching. Listening. Assessing their moods from 30 meters away. Scanning for symptoms. Suppressing comment and instruction (hard!). Being, most wonderfully, a joyful witness to their ways of being.
What has surprised you?
Post-Scripts.
+Motherhood is a surfeit.
+You carry all of your children’s ages inside.
Shopping Break.
+I found my cashmere cowhide bandana scarf from Guest in Residence 40% off here!
+Also a part of the sale (runs through tomorrow only): Ripley Rader ponte pants in a CHIC burgundy for autumn, this Bronte-coded lace knit combo from SEA, this gorgeous patterned velvet dress, La Ligne Colbys!!! And this quilted, water-resistant Vee bag — I have it in the large and it’s my most-worn weekend/soccer mom bag as it carries a ton, is water/dew/rain-resistant, zips closed, has great interior organization. Anyway, this is a shockingly good sale. I honestly can’t get over it. All my picks here.
SHOPBOP SALE EDIT – 30-40% OFF
+AND: Hart Jewelry up to 40% off! I know a lot of you love these fun bezel drop earrings (I own these too), and how fun are these necklaces? Would make a sweet gift for a sister. (Bauble Bar’s similar bezel cord necklaces are 30% off too!)
+Great holiday launch at Tnuck: this taffeta black watch tartan skirt. She’s perfect. Boden has a chic similar one for a little less, and she’s an extra 25% off right now.
+That Boden skirt also comes in a really great stripe.
+I’ve been ogling these spectacular fringed blouses over at Ulla J and just found a great look for less at Zara. Super fun statement with jeans.
+Another insanely chic Zara find: this jacquard jacket. Fab with all the gem tones and taffeta pieces trending!
+Just-discounted over at Alice Walk: this perfect short sleeved cardigan (truly SO wearable all year round, whether in an air conditioned office in summer or a fall/winter cocktail event). And don’t miss these $60 striped turtlenecks. Great staple. Looks fab beneath a chunky cableknit cardi!
+A fab splurgey Thanksgiving look: this top with this matching skirt and a tall boot.
+Chicest calf-hair cheetah clutch at a great price. I’d wear without the chain (think it makes it look less expensive) and tuck under my arm.
+Bandana print slip skirt for under $100!
+Julia Amory just launched velvet coats for layering over your holiday lineup as well as dramatic silk dupioni ball skirts! (Use code JEN-15). If you like the vibe but are looking for something a tad more wearable, try this Tuckernuck skirt!
+Currently traveling with my new ROAM suitcase. I first heard about this brand on a Reddit gear nerd thread — people were buzzing about how it was established by the former CEO of Tumi. All the suitcases are handmade in America and they are incredibly well designed. I’m blown away at how much these cases fit (this is the exact one I have) — they somehow make very clever, maximized use of the interior. I love the way a little fabric sleeve comes up and around to sort of hold your clothes in the bottom part (less of a risk of items getting caught in zipper) and it expands by almost 1/3. Plus it might be the chicest suitcase I’ve ever had. The blue wheels! The misty moody Magpie blue candy shell coating! The gridwork! This would be a great Christmas gift for a gear-conscious traveler. (I’ve given Landon several pieces of luggage for Christmas!)
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