Two Fridays ago, Landon and I quietly celebrated 16 years of marriage. We had siblings in town, were hosting a dinner with my parents and tiny nieces/nephews around, and Landon had committed to playing golf with the brothers-in-law, so we didn’t do much to mark the occasion except for clink glasses at happy hour and send one another sweet text messages throughout the day. But that’s OK. One thing we’ve learned after sixteen years of leading happily-intertwined lives: there are lean times and abundant times, busy seasons and quiet seasons, and not every celebration has to “top” the previous. Marriage is about the long view. Its real richness has nothing to do with gifts and everything to do with knowing that you have someone you love who will hold your hand and adore you whether you’re wearing a black tie gown or a hospital one.
I hadn’t thought of it this way until just now, but Landon and I played hooky last Friday to see “The Odyssey” (excellent; I’m still coming down from the high of watching it in IMAX and possibly compromising my hearing — ha) and have a quick bite out, and now I realize it was something of a belated anniversary celebration, as we spent a lot of our dinner talking about what we think we do well as a couple. Ha! How self-aggrandizing! But there was a serious intent to the reflection in the sense that we both believe that naming the good things in life out loud is one of the keys to living well and heart-forward, whether we’re talking about our relationship or the unceasing wonder of the flora and fauna right in our backyard. We apply this principle in parenthood in every possible way, too: calling out our children’s effort and contributions (trying hard to celebrate the work rather than the work product), applauding their mini milestones and mini breaks, and also publicly praising one another (me Landon, and vice versa) in the hopes of making visible so much of the behind-the-scenes work that goes into running a household. I am forever chirping over the dining room table: “wow, thank you for this incredible dinner!” and “isn’t it amazing that Dad spent all day getting the ingredients, making the dough, simmering the sauce, for this pizza?!” I mentioned this concept in my post on romanticizing life, but verbalizing the beautiful when you notice it unleashes a secondary kind of pleasure. It’s not just noticing the sunset, it’s lavishing it with due praise, and the praising feels good. Almost as good as the witnessing itself. I can’t explain this, just — give it a go. See what you think. I find life much brighter when I do this, and I also find it a sneaky-good rubric for ferreting out kindred spirits. I want friends who run to the window to take in a rainbow or crane their necks eagerly to catch the passing heron. Those are people to hold close.
This insight ran through a lot of our conversation about our marriage on Friday; we observed that we are consistent and intentional about seeing and naming the good in one another, whether we’re unpacking a complex situation (“but Jen, you always do such a good job of…”), thanking one another for handling any of the seemingly billions of minute tasks that go into running our household (“I’m so grateful you take the car in…”), or performing routine accounting of our parenting decisions (“I admire the way you handled that with Hill”). I think of this practice as rebar in the foundation of our relationship — adding tensile strength, reinforcing the floorboards — and I don’t often hear about in the context of marriage advice, where you’re more likely to hear the old “never go to bed angry” chestnut. It is straight-forwardly rewarding to be seen and celebrated for who you are on a regular basis in such an intimate relationship. And the saying of it just cinches us closer and closer.
Other things that I think have made for a very happy 16 years of marriage:
+Prioritizing dedicated time to spend alone — trips are fantastic but even small micro-dates and fractional dates count! Sometimes he’ll ask me to come with him to pick up takeaway lunch or drop something at UPS, and we treat the car travel like a mini date — to catch up, unwind, listen to music together, whatever. Back when we had a nanny, we’d ask her to stay an hour late every week or two and would enjoy a cocktail on the back patio or in his office by ourselves after work but before tapping into dinnertime chaos. Whatever it takes! When I have my act together, I book sitters for various Friday and Saturday evenings without any firm plans in place. Having childcare sorted in advance will enable us to run out to catch a movie or enjoy dinner or head to the driving range with virtually no friction.
+Letting one another be ourselves and pursue our own interests. We don’t need to share every hobby or perspective. The gap keeps things interesting, and ensures neither of us is curtailing something personally intriguing. The only caveat to this is that we really try to watch the same TV shows, or I feel like we’d spend nights on separate floors, absorbing separate things.
+Flirt with each other. Kiss in front of the kids. Be affectionate.
+Assuming the best of intentions. Truly — zoom out and let the little stuff go.
What other things have you found powerful in maintaining your marriage?
Post-Scripts.
+Marriage is really so many things; I’ve written about its many synonyms before, but it’s everything from an unending conversation with your best friend to a way to see, and be, the best version of yourself.
+Things I find randomly attractive: husband edition.
+Landon answers questions I don’t think he knows how to answer. LOL. Fun to re-read this. “What is an LBD?” “Laser botox dermatology.”
Shopping Break.
+My favorite black jeans ever are on sale. Run TTS. Insanely flattering.
+So many great new colors in the Margo tee. I love these tees. They’re a little more casual and cropped than the SoldOut ones but the colors and fit are really cool and I’m digging their whole layered vibe — actually, La Ligne is doing this too (see the styling here). Leset even sells a layered tee which I thought was interesting/cool. Guest in Residence also has a similar style (with a cashmere overlay) that has already sold out on their site but is still available here — I take this to be a harbinger of a nano-trend brewing.
+SUCH a pretty statement jacket.
+Exactly the kind of loose and breezy dress silhouette I like to wear in the evenings, during that sliver of time after work but before bed.
+A great performance longsleeve as we head into chillier weather. My other favorite: the Vuori Daydream crew. I buy whenever they release a good new color because it’s always the first one I reach for. Really soft and breathable and I love the silhouette. For colder weather, I can’t rec Tracksmith’s Brighton more. I’ve had one for nearly a decade now and it still holds up to heavy wear and washing. It’s a merino wool blend so it really keeps you warm but it’s somehow soft and stretchy and breathable (a lot of the other ones I tried are itchy!). I wear this for running in cold weather but also hiking, walks, etc — anything outdoors where I’ll be chilly. THE BEST. I brought this to Norway and was so pleased with it for our many walks/hikes. (Also, if you’re a marathoner, they just released the coolest marathon brighton tees for men and women! A great gift for a loved one completing one this season.)
+Another Norway essential: these waterproof shoes. AMAZING. There was so much rain, mud, and water everywhere!
+If you’re still in HOT weather, these short-sleeved pique performance tees come in great colors and are currently on sale! Perfect for pickle ball, hiking, tennis, hikes, etc!
+I have this spectacular paisley statement blouse ready to go for my fall wardobe.
+Have been noticing a micro-trend of slim-fit cashmere sweaters layered over simple tees so that the collar shows — La Ligne does this a lot in their site’s styling (see here and here). I love this look. Two of my favorite slimmer fit cashmere cardigans to achieve this vibe: this Guest in Residence (obsessed with the overlong ribbed cuffs) and this Tuckernuck (loveee the new wheat color). Not cashmere, but a friend of mine was raving about the quality of Ann Mashburn’s knits so I picked up this pretty sky blue hue.
+My top pick for a fall special event dress. Stunning!
+All my Shopbop picks here — just updated over the weekend.
+Can’t believe it, but still some of the Donni gingham taffeta pants in stock! You will live in these as we head to fall. Look fantastic with a chunky crewneck.
+LOVE these just-launched sneakers over at Rothy! Similar to my M. Gemis but a little less $$ and in lots of great fall colors — plus, I’d trust that Rothy makes an insanely comfortable sneaker! I actually just recently pulled my beloved clogs out of the “fall/spring/winter” bin and it gave me a little thrill thinking ahead to much I love wearing them in the cooler months.
+We snuck a box of BonBon candy into the movie theater. It is soooo good. Also makes such a cute gift — it comes in this cute pink box with a blue satin ribbon. Who doesn’t love receiving candy? My sister sent me a box of it after staying at our house last weekend!
+Found a little trove of fabulous TWP blouses on sale at Neiman’s. I love this red and white stripe, this shell pink, and this gorgeous bib front. I’ve mentioned this up and coming brand in the past (the founder was previously the owner of Haute Hippie — do you remember that brand from the oughts?!), but their blouses are so chic! They have such a cool shapes and interesting textiles. They also just opened a shop in Aspen so it really must be thriving!
+Major task completion over the weekend. I copied over all the details from my kids school calendars (they attend two different schools), sports calendars (practices and games), CCD, etc onto my Google calendar, had my kids try on all elements of their school uniforms, and ordered new cleats and socks! It felt like such a great achievement. I love Zappos for shoe ordering for kids. I’ll often order two sizes and just return the ones that don’t fit – they make it a breeze. Here’s what we got:
EMORY’S SCHOOL SHOES — THE SCHOOL HAS BYZANTINE REQUIREMENTS FOR FOOTWEAR; MUST BE A WHITE ATHLETIC SHOE BUT CAN HAVE A GRAY, BLACK, OR NAVY MARKING IF NECESSARY, AND CAN’T BE A FASHION SNEAKER? I THINK THIS BRAND IS ACES IN TERMS OF QUALITY — THESE WILL LAST ALL YEAR
HILL’S SCHOOL SHOES (APPARENTLY THESE ARE VERY POPULAR AT HIS NEW SCHOOL TOO)
SPARE ATHLETIC SHOES TO LEAVE AT HILL’S SCHOOL (ANOTHER NEW SCHOOL REQ)
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
