On Monday, I went for my annual eye exam. I’d only switched the appointment once, to accommodate a real reason: I was going to be traveling for my book tour, and I’d scheduled the appointment a year prior, when a book tour wasn’t even a twinkle in my eye. While I work myself up into a mild frenzy over dental and medical appointments, eye appointments are low-pressure, boring even. More or less a wide boulevard stroll to a year’s worth of daily contacts. My optometrist’s practice is in an old house converted into a medical office, and it’s slightly ramshackle and slightly disarming for this reason. You change your contacts in a bathroom with subway tile and a tub behind you. The doctor often leaves the bathroom window — one of those old-fashioned ones with thick, individual glass panes held together by white wooden muntins — ajar, letting in sun and fresh air. The exam room is what must have been a bedroom; it practically feels like you’re visiting an older relative. Still, even though this was the lowest-of-low-stakes appointments, I left wearing a slight smugness. I’d made the appointment, I’d gone, and I didn’t have to think about it again for another year.
While I am a big follow-through person — a true t-crosser and i-dotter — I find I will seize or invent just about any reason to reschedule one of these routine care appointments. They always seem to be scheduled at the least convenient time, and appear to consume a full half-day, even when they’re first thing in the morning. I can’t explain the math, but somehow an 8:30 am dental appointment will have me back at my desk at, like, 11? And then I’m a stone’s throw from lunch, and then it’s a hop, skip, and a jump from carpool. I’ve tried so many different tacks: Group all of my annual appointments in one week. Spread them out across a couple months. Treat myself to something afterward. I don’t know, I just hate the lot of them, for reasons both absurd (inconvenience) and emotional (I understand the provenance of my medical anxiety — can draw clear lines from the dread I feel to various experiences in my life). I will say I have noticed an attenuation in this fear over the past few years, almost like a loosening of the knot. I attribute this to several mental gymnastics I perform at the first blush of a medical worry: first, recognizing catastrophic thinking and stopping it at the gate by saying “or what if it’s…” or “but maybe it’s nothing…” — basically creating any number of possible (less bad, or outright good) outcomes. Second, practicing a 24-hour rule Landon taught me. When I notice something is off, doesn’t feel good, isn’t right, I leave it at the notice level. OK, that’s interesting. I notice this. After 24 hours: did it get better or worse? If better, I release the worry like a balloon. If worse, then I think about seeing a doctor, usually after having Landon google the symptom and provide me with a very careful and gentle interpretation (friends never let friends Google medical symptoms). Third, honestly, perimenopause wreaks havoc on the body to the degree that I now think almost any odd symptom is related to it (and it usually is), and can just roll my eyes. Sweating at night? Dry mouth? Tenderness? Pssht. Nothing. Just my body rioting against itself at 40. This has truly de-escalated my level of alarm about almost anything going on with my body. An odd gift of my 40s, but I’ll take it. Finally, and I think this is just about maturing in general: I find myself better able to surrender. Like, what else can I do? Worry can’t cancel out a symptom. I will either be sick or not. I will get the best treatment I can if it’s the former. I will put one foot in front of the other. There is this one fishing parable I draw to mind when I’m in this mode. It has to do with a fisherman drawing empty nets and then inviting Jesus into the boat with him. I think about that. Let me let the divine into the boat. Let me surrender my imagined sense of control. Let me not be alone in this.
Writing this out, I realize something: I am progressing. Lordy don’t the wheels turn slow, but I am, year by year, making my way towards what I consider “a real, proper grown-up.” The kind who make appointments and keep them, and who don’t get worked up about their specter on the calendar. The kind who say “worrying makes you suffer twice,” and mean it. The kind who can sit on a park bench and watch the kids without the faintest twitch of “I should be…”, who revel in an auspicious turn in the weather and a perfect slice of pie, who have plumbers and electricians in their phones, who have atrophied gorgeously in the dark art of self-promotion, who know what’s blooming and when in their yards. The ones who take the long view. The ones who are less surprised about the way things turn out, partly because they’ve been around the block a few times, and partly because they understand the necessity of surrender. The ones who no longer “need to be seen by the world” and rather live to see what’s in it. I’m on way, I’m on way.
Post-Scripts.
+My optometrist said: “no changes in eyesight — things will get interesting in about five years.” I was glad, as I really love these eyeglasses. I guess I could have the prescription swapped out, but I digress. I said: “What happens in five years?!” He explained I’ll probably need reading glasses then. OMG! When did this happen? Lucky for me, I just watched DWP2 and was mildly transfixed by the way Meryl Streep’s character manipulates her reading glasses throughout the movie. They can be very, very fetching!
+Advice from older sister figures. (Should we bring back this series? Let me know if you have questions you’d like me to ask our big sister figures in the Magpie community. This post on “what would you grandmother name be?” revealed to me that we have a lot of Magpie readers who already have grandchildren and know a lot more than I do.)
+A Magpie desiderata (a list of big things I’ve learned over the past 40 years).
Shopping Break.
+Faherty just restocked this dress, which so many of us loved, but which was out of stock in red in most sizes! And now in a few other prints too. Dakota Johnson vibes. Wear to a backyard BBQ comme ci.
+Just ordered these bandana print shorts. I love the idea of them paired with a white button-down or a navy-and-white striped sweater. These are something I imagine wearing to a lake vacation.
+I feel like we’ve all been into button-downs lately. Found another really cool one, this time $140. I almost can’t decide which color/pattern to get. That crisp gunmetal stripe is calling my name.
+OMG. M.M. La Fleur has a really, really good summer collection. I pin tons of fashion finds to a secret Pinterest board and I couldn’t help but pin about five items! I love (!!!!) these striped pants (so versatile – dress down with cool sandals and a tee, or dress up for work with a button-down and flats), this aperitivo top in either black or white (pair with white jeans!), and I mean this Theodora dress is…! Perfect! The seaming!
+A perfect lightweight top knit layer for this transitional weather, and it’s around $100. It reminds me of a knit I got from La Ligne a few seasons ago! If you’re looking for a pullover variation, try this rollneck. A great beach sweater.
+Speaking of La Ligne: new mini Marina stripe colors! And a reminder that this is the ideal striped summer dress. Will go from lunch to cocktails.
+Private sale happening at Julia Amory! You might consider this patterned top to pair with white jeans or this sunshine yellow caftan! I believe my code, JEN-15, should get you an extra 15% off.
+Back to AT, how great is this denim midi skirt?! LOVE. Pair with brown leather sandals and a polished tee.
+Turquoise is trending for summer. I have and love this gorgeous bracelet (looks so good layered in among gold bangles; great look for less here), but how chic is this station necklace take on the trend?
+Deeply unsexy, but if you are prone to body breakouts (sadly I am), I found a GREAT body wash. I used to use this one I got from my derm but it was discontinued. This really, really works and it’s a great value ($20 for a huge amount). Extremely excited about this discovery! The other product I love from this brand is their foot treatment ointment. You must wear socks over top (it’s super thick and unctuous) but DAMN it works!
+Swooning over these personalized vanity bags.
+Net-A-Porter is offering up to 30% off various current-season finds, and it’s really worth a look: this Staud dress is insanely elegant and flattering, as is their ever-popular Wells (the stripe option is SO GOOD), and how spectacular is this Liffner bag?! There is even some Doen in there!
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