This morning, resurfacing a post from the archives on my life’s desiderata, inspired by Max Ehrmann’s famous poem of the same title. More or less: instructions for living. This is an ever-evolving manual, of course; at the moment, if I were asked to boil it all down to a couple of lines, I’d say: Treat today like a bonus and name what you love in it. So much of the other “stuff” fades away when placed alongside that simplifying tonic. The point is, as always and ever, love. Onward, Magpies —
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Over the weekend, I asked Magpies on Instagram what they would tell their 20-year-old selves. The answers to this question always move me, as they pumice away the inessential and collectively point at the simple truths that
life finds a way;
that this, too, shall pass;
and that you must learn to trust yourself, and find joy in the immediate.
Put differently, it will all be OK — so enjoy the good in the present. When I posed this same prompt two years ago, this was in fact the central chorus: it will all be OK, that ultimate emollient of mothering reassurance.
A few that jumped out at me from this batch:
You’ll find more happiness from the things you do for yourself than the things others do for you.
Time is a thief. Live where your feet are and don’t rush to the next thing.
Stop doubting yourself.
Stay open and be vulnerable.
It will look nothing like what you picture, and it will be OK.
A beautiful desiderata, isn’t it?
To this litany, I would add some fine-grained learnings I have found myself leaning on in recent years:
Not everything will resolve to a fine point. You may never get the apology, the explanation, the final word. You must learn to accept the irresolution.
Maturity hinges on a fine understanding what you can and cannot control. You cannot control the behavior of others; you can control how you respond to it.
Say the thing that needs to be said. But not everything does need to be said. You must learn to discern what matters and let the rest go. This is especially true in marriage: assume the best in your partner; let the rest slick off. For the things that do matter: do not bottle them up or worry unnecessarily about contingencies, possible reactions, and the like. If you made a mistake, own it and apologize for it rather than browbeating and wondering what the other party is thinking. If you are going to be late, let the person know rather than careening through traffic in a fit of stress. Mr. Magpie calls this “getting the monkey off your back.” Look whatever it is in the face, and say what needs to be said.
You can do anything for 24 hours. Words I repeated to myself before the births of my children, but the principle extends elsewhere, especially when I am anticipating an intense exchange with someone, or an unpleasant situation. You are strong, and you can withstand more than you think. Just know that this, too, will be over in a day’s time.
You can start a new 24 hour cycle at any time. A great Magpie reader quote (thanks, Mia!). You do not need to wait for tomorrow to hit the reset button. You can decide at 9:05 a.m. that today is a new day, and get started.
You are not for everyone, and that’s OK. Hard to accept if you are a people-pleaser, but essential to rising above the guilt and emotional contortions that can quagmire and obscure.
An apology asks for nothing. Do not give or receive a “sorry” that involves conditions. If you cannot apologize in earnest, you need to ask yourself why. If someone extends an apology that makes demands, be weary and protect yourself.
Worrying imagines too many endings that never come. And no amount of worrying changes the future. It is difficult to break out of a habit of worrying, but one narrow visual I have been using lately: just because the thought path presents itself doesn’t mean you need to walk down it. When you see the storm clouds gathering (“what if…” and “what about…”), imagine yourself standing at the trailhead and moving in a different direction.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Keep your blinders on; don’t worry about what your neighbor is doing. A more empowering way to think of it: why would we ask directions from someone who has no idea where we want to go? Everyone’s path is different — focus on defining your own.
Drive gently. Give yourself, and others, a soft landing. Life can demand so much of us — fashion yourself as a gentle resting place. You never know what is going on in the inner worlds of those around you; go easy.
When you find yourself judging someone else, ask: what does it matter to me?
How you do anything is how you do everything. Care about the small things. Bring the best and most consistent energy you can to any enterprise, whether making the children’s lunches or making a big work presentation. Mr. Magpie’s dad always says, “the shoes make the man,” and I think this is true in a more abstract sense: how we present ourselves, how we move through our lives, comes down to detail.
You will not always find inspiration, so you must learn to be disciplined. True in every realm I can think of — entrepreneurship, parenthood, fitness, creativity, relationships. You must find ways to muscle through the lean times. Half the battle is showing up.
“Experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right, too.” Words from Anais Nin – there is no way to say it better! Try the thing! Be unafraid to fail! Bring a “You’re going to love it” energy (courtesy of my Dad)!
“Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” Words from Mary Oliver. Attention is one of the greatest forms of love. Permit yourself to be startled, and delighted, by what you find. In Chicago, I participated in a start-up incubator and one of the mentors once said: “Pessimism is always cooler. But be the optimist. The true entrepreneur is an irrepressible optimist.” I think about that all the time — how it feels cooler, more discerning, to be negative, and how it can feel twee and cheesy to speak in exclamation points. But if you want joy, you must court it!
What else would you add?
Post-Scripts.
+More on the pointlessness of worrying.
Shopping Break: Things I’m Wearing All the Time This Spring.
What are the key pieces you reach for week in and week out this time of year? Any surprising stars? A few things I am really loving and getting a ton of wear out of right now:
01. This fleece! So joyful, a little more interesting than a sweatshirt, works with jeans or athletic wear, and I am routinely stopped by strangers commenting on it. It’s an outfit-maker.
02. M. Gemi sneakers. Love the low-profile silhouette — really flattering on the foot. Some sneakers just make me look…flat-footed? These, by contrast, elongate the leg and look great on the ankle. I have them in the bone color (go with everything) and can’t tell you how frequently I reach for them. (Use code JEN15).
03. This Roxanne Assoulin necklace. A surprise to me, how frequently I add this to my necklace stack. It completely changes / elevates / complicates an outfit in the best way.
04. SoldOut NYC tees. Continue to be my most-worn t-shirt. Love the silky handfeel, the tuckable length, the slightly oversized (fashion-y) fit, the center seam down the back. This is a brand that does not cut corners on details. LOVE the new blue color, which is selling fast. Just an interesting twist on a staple.
05. Mother Half Pipes – my most worn jeans these days!
06. Brightly colored sweaters from Kilte (use JEN50 for $50 off) and La Ligne (use code MAGPIE10).
07. My Rue de Verneuil Small Traversee bag. Somehow it’s exactly the right size for literally any excursion. Can fit quite a bit (sunglasses, Kindle, the pouch of essentials I transfer from bag to bag, hand cream…and then some) but still small enough to be worn crossbody style. I like that it stands up on its own and looks cute carried by handles or strap. Very pleased with its utility and vibe.
08. Bandana / triangle scarves! I find myself reaching for one almost every time I leave the house. The perfect little pop of color, design, etc. That bandana motif is just IT right now. I have two from Maison Le Comte Flament and then just splurged on the cashmere Guest in Residence one (now sold out in my blue, but still available in a really chic pink/gray). Have also seen Kujten’s on several chic ladies.
09. Alex Mill’s cropped barn jacket. I love the way this immediately adds a cool factor to any outfit. Obsessed with the silhouette and the bright color.
10. This specific long-sleeved white tee from Madewell. I really like the silhouette and snug feel/fit of this tee for whenever I’m wearing a fuller/wider leg. Someone recently wrote about how gen-z and younger “wear big with big” but I’m so firmly in the camp of contrasts. Maybe also because I’m petite, I feel like I need some definition up top if the pants are looser/wider leg? Anyway, I find myself reaching for this specific tee all the time. It has such a great stretchy, hug-like feel to it.
11. Still deep in my Rothys and Bombas lifestyle. If I’m at home, I’m wearing these two together. I’m still not over how delightful the Rothys feel on the arch of my foot — like a massage. I get home and can’t wait to put them on. Actually, I now have an “outdoor pair” of Rothys that I wear for quick errands and carpool and the like, and an “indoor pair” for at home wear. Just love these so much. Meanwhile, the Bombas were a “RWI” discovery from last year — I think I’m the last woman on the planet to try these but the hype is so valid! I have such small feet (size 5, but that’s really a stretch; I’m probably a true size 4.5) that I’ve lived most of my life dealing with slight annoyance of having socks whose heels never really align with my own and sort of bunch up in the back of my shoe. Bombas actually fit.
12. AYR’s locker sweatshirt. My preferred comfort uniform these days: this sweatshirt, jeans that barely touch my body, and the Rothy/Bomba combo. This is one of those sweatshirts that just FEELS GOOD on — like the way it lays on your shoulders and skims your body just feels nice? I love that the cuffs hug your wrists a little bit (but not too tight) and the hem is nice and wide — just a perfectly designed piece of clothing. If you also have this, please corroborate the joy of how this sweatshirt feels?!
OK, what else are you loving this spring?
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Photograph by Claire Harvey.
I love all of these. I would ask about not everything will come to a fine point and we may never get the closure or resolution. What would you do if a good friend of both yours from college and eventually he came to be friends with your spouse and your time was either with said friend, spouse and friend, or friend and spouse and endless calls and messages for 2 years with no return and you find out allegedly said friend has gotten married. I personally am so crushed. And hurt and dont know where to begin. Idk if closure is appropriate because I have nothing kind to say. Would it be better if this said person were dead? Even my friend who died shortly before his 40th, the results all came back inconclusive. No explanation does anything bad to happen to others? And sold out, we don’t all need to look the same. The rush and thrill and will this actually fit in my closet, be withun my budget and do we all need to look like you? We’re not all petite. I’m 5’6. And we’re not all Moms. I am not. And somehow being married or in a relationship to is a privilege not all of us have. I myself am in a relationship and FHM and I have been together 10 years.
Is life hard for all of us and God loves all of us or does he only love the wealthy, privileged white women who waited until marriage or those who want children or those who pray or become nuns? Or nothing bad happens to them because they get to live in Australia and i doubt they will be bit by a snake. Yet had the nerve to email me something completely unrelated to the subject. I guess it says more about them, why they are jealous of me and not wanting me around their husband on this family reunion in my own home. Like wth.
Maybe some advice on how to Be ok without being OK and to not be jealous and also on in-laws, white privilege, and catholic goodie-too-shoos.
And my podcast The Midnight Slipper launches this month. The teaser is out. It focuses on fairytales. Meant for all ages.
These are all SUCH wise words, Jen!
I would add something my mother always said: “Know your negotiables and non-negotiables.” This can apply to so many different situations — relationships, jobs, house rules/parenting issues, etc.
On worrying: a friend once told me, “worrying is like praying for what you don’t want to happen.”
On what-ifs: a reframe I recently learned is to shift from “WHAT IF xyz happens…” to “EVEN IF xyz happens…” to remind myself that I can cope with a negative outcome.
And lastly — so much in life is not either/or, but both/and. Parenting is the first thing that comes to mind — it is both rewarding AND incredibly challenging. Two things/feelings/perspectives can be true at the same time.
Such great additions – nodding heartily at each!! Love the “what if” reframe — borrowing that one.
xx
What valuable life lessons! If you are ever called on to give a commencement address, there’s your outline. Took a screenshot and put this in my favorites!
OMG! Beyond flattered!! Thanks, Paige 🙂
Also want to print this! As well as distill it into language appropriate for my 8 year old who is starting to go through some of these character building moments. Thanks Jen. ox
I love this – and your note has made me think about how/if I am communicating these to my own children. Thanks for the provocation.
xx
Just read Daryn’s reply and it is exactly what I was going to say!
I will add two of my mantras.
Taste the words before you speak.
And, for career advice I tell people to remember that no one looks after you but YOU! Ask for the raise, go for the amazing job, toot your own horn, etc. Take the bull by the horns because no-one else will do it for you. Go boldly!
Printing off now. So many things to remember.
These are gorgeous — I love the “taste the words before you speak” one. Thank you! And always, go boldly!
xx
Wow, words to live by! I am printing this post. You never cease to inspire, Jen! Thank you
I’m so glad this resonated!! xx