Today, I’m returning to a theme we’ve been playing with this year: seeking the wisdom of sister figures who have been through known-to-be-sticky phases of life before we have. And in this post, I’m thinking about parenting through the knotty teen years. When this phase comes up in conversation, my dad will often pause meaningfully and say: “Good luck.” Then again, he was a father to four daughters born in close succession and you don’t want to know how much our shared bathroom approximated a war zone during the years of 1998-2002. (2002 being the year I flew the coop for UVA; the battle royale could well have persisted in my absence, though I was a mettlesome belligerent during my tenure.) The level of pettiness over who used whose face wash and how long someone had taken in the shower (“you used up all the hot water on purpose!”) cannot be overstated. And that’s only thinking about sibling-to-sibling dynamics. The boundary-testing! The driver’s licenses! The sleepovers with friends! The unchaperoned mall trips and pre-proms and house parties! I remember one time my friend Lauren and I made friends with a few boys our age at Tyson’s Corner Mall and had the audacity to invite them to meet us to play pool at Babe’s Billiards in Tenley Town, D.C. (Native Washingtonians from my generation will remember this, and its proximity to Steak and Egg, which my sister once described as “smelling like bacon grease and regret.” Major greasy spoon destination for high schoolers after a big night out.). I can’t remember the exact reasoning but we had them meet us at my childhood home so we could all take the Metro together. My house sat on the top of a hill close to Rock Creek Park and had a long ascent of a driveway. The boys huddled at the bottom and waited for us down there. (This was before the era of cell phones, or cell phone ubiquity.) My dad, doing yardwork outside, noticed them and came up to the kitchen. “Those boys will come up and knock on the door if they want to take you out,” he said. I was mortified, and for about twenty illegitimate reasons. How humiliating to ask the boys to come all the way up. How painful to have them meet my dad. How agonizing that all of this was happening in front of Lauren. I put up a piddling fight, and, to my surprise, my Dad relented and let me slink down the hill. I am still surprised by this; my Dad was a resolute sort, and when he said something stern, he meant it. But he did give in, and my guess is that he decided it wasn’t worth the fight, and that he’d made his point about the caliber of boys idling at the foot of the driveway. Which he did. I thought a lot less of those boys for not knowing to come to the door, and I held this little bit of discernment in balance with other observations about them.
Anyhow – to my point today: mothers to teens, would you share your top insights, tips, mantras, perspectives? What are the good parts of the teen years? What can we look forward to? Equally, what do you wish you’d know before embarking on this phase?
One minor positioning note before we get to the comments: I have been drawn to this provocation of truly honoring the season you’re in. What does this mean to you, wherever you are in your life? (Just-engaged, switching jobs, recently-married, recently-divorced, empty nesting, newly post-partum, grieving, recovering, starting over, or any other permutation!) Take a minute to reflect on that — how do I honor this season? How do I not cloud it over with expectations, regrets, nostalgia, “what’s next”? It might mean temporarily giving up habits and comforts you liked from earlier phases. It might mean changing up routines. It might mean prioritizing sleep or socializing more or less than you have in the past. Like how do you really make space for what this day is asking of you?
Post-Scripts.
+A letter to new moms, and thoughts for mothers in the midst of breastfeeding.
+N.B. as we head out for summer travel: Whenever I travel, I always add a couple of socks to my lingerie bag — my feet are always cold in hotel rooms (?) and they feel like a little tether to home after a day of exploring a new city. I know many Magpies do something similar by packing their own slippers for hotel stays, but I’m a big sock girl (bonus: they take up almost no space). I just added these cute beach motif socks to my drawer with the intent of packing for summer trips. Bombas continues to be a top regrettably worth it discovery for me AND I teamed up with Bombas and got us an offer of 21% off first-time purchases with code SHOOP21. This mention is sponsored by Bombas.
BOMBAS FLORAL RIB SOCKS // BOMBAS BEACH MOTIF SOCKS
Shopping Break.
+In the mood for tee dresses, and I love this one and this one (use code LESET10 for 10% off). If you need something with a belt to define the figure, this is one of my favorite dresses of all time (use code MAGPIE10).
+OMG these Birks! In canvas or raffia! A perfect compliment to the aforementioned tee dresses.
+The $58 bandana bucket bag you will reach for all summer long. Call It By Your Name vibes! (Also comes in red.)
+A new summer layering favorite. The fit is perfection.
+LOVE this new arrival at Julia Amory.
+Popular, well-priced skincare brand The Ordinary just launched a sister brand called Loopha focused on body care. I’m testing this new hand and body cream! The price is solid relative to ingredients!
+Chic $40 pleated tennis skirt in great colors. The green!
+Cuyana is running a rare archive sale! This spectacular linen tote I keep mentioning is 30% off (!!!), and this charming raffia mini bucket is 20% off. Select colors of their classic zip-top tote are also 20% off (the butter yellow is perfection).
+New in at Negative for peak summer heat: these playful cropped pants and these fun lounge shorts.
+25% off these cute gingham blackout curtains. We had these in Emory’s bedroom in NYC!
+If you liked my slip-on boat shoes (obsessed with them – super comfortable leather, too) but are looking for something a little less $$, how FAB are these Sperry mules?! I especially like them in the darker washed brown leather color, but they’re low on stock everywhere in that color except, randomly, Abercrombie. So chic with a pair of boxer style shorts and a button-down for summer.
+This navy bandana print dress!!! In my cart! (Different silhouette and higher price point: this voile midi.)
+Just restocked my return address labels with these sweet bee and flower ones! They reminded me of Small Wonders! BTW, the book is still $13 on Amazon! A great gift if I don’t say so myself — hostess, someone recovering, new mom, sister figure!
+Birch Lane is running a great Fourth of July sale — I love this x bench, the entire “Shelby” collection in that great ticking stripe (esp love the idea of this ottoman instead of a coffee table!, but also this chair and a half for your son’s room!), and this inexpensive performance rug for a high-traffic area like a kids play room or breakfast nook.
+The colors in this Chanel blush duo…!
This content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation. Image above from the movie Ladybird!
I raised 4 teenage daughters (currently in their 20s) and am currently raising a 17-year-old son. My husband and I have had many parenting failures and, thank you, God, many parenting successes.
If I am being completely honest, this advice is based on something that I often found difficult in my daughters’ teenage years.
Here it is:
Change your “rules” and expectations for how your teenagers should be. It is not their responsibility to be who you perceive they should be or how you would like them to be. Accept them for exactly how they are. Open your eyes and ears and completely meet them where they are. In my opinion, your acceptance will solidify their self confidence and their love of themselves.
Also, I distinctly remember when one of my daughters was around 16, she made a throw-away comment that really stuck with me and made me pause every time I wanted to deny permission based on fear or a tendency toward being overly protective. She said, “The strictest parents make the sneakiest children.” Trust your teenagers to make smart decisions based on the morals and values you have instilled in them until they give you reason not to.
What a privilege it is to raise children!
Allison! Thank you for this; I love the reminder to let your kids be who they are. I remember this quote — “don’t be so worried about raising a great kid that you forget to raise YOUR kid.” That reframe is really grounding for me.
Thanks for these notes —
Onward!
I have THREE teenage daughters.. 18,16, and 14. I feel you father’s pain! And I’m laughing so hard at the bathrooom/warzone in your house with 4 teen girls at once! My advice.. take a deep breath… and you do not need to reply/respond to everything.. sometimes its better to just listen and say less ( when fighting!). They also need to figure some things out on their own… I will share more thoughts later but it is tough for sure. But in my opinion, better than the painful toddler years!
Love the note about “not needing to reply/respond to everything.” Already feeling this with my own nine year old. Most of the time, she just wants to vent!
xx
We are the parents our three sones who are now 43, 41 and 38. A few things that stand out from their teen years:
1. They had sports practice, church youth group, advanced classes AND jobs. They had free time, of course, but not a ton. By the time they left for college, they knew exactly how many hours they had to work to buy that cowboy hat or album they were lusting after.The work ethic they all developed has served them very well.
2. We were the house where kids gathered to eat and hang out: pasta before track meets, pizza and poker, steak fajitas and pay per view wrestling. Good times!
2. We found the good in every girl they dated through the years. After all,one of them would be their wife. One of our sons married a girl he’d know since third grade!
3. When they got their driver’s licenses, we had them sign a contract: no one in the car with them for the first six months. They also paid for half the purchase of their car and all gas.
4. Controversial: We told them if they didn’t drink or smoke cigarettes until the age of 21, we would give them $1,000 (which was alot of money back then)! With alcoholism on both side of our family and lung cancer (not to mention peer pressure) we wanted to give them an incentive till they could make up their minds as adults. Two of the three collected on their reward! Two of them drink moderately as adults, the third has decided alcohol isn’t good for him.
5. Prepare for the empty nest that’s coming by making your marriage (and love life) a priority. Our friends who, like us, have made it to almost 50 years all kept this in mind.
6. Finally, understand that when they leave for college, they are essentially gone. Oh you’ll still see them on breaks, and maybe they’ll even live in the same town as you, if you’re very lucky (we are).But if you’ve done a good job, you work your way out of a job. And isn’t that point anyway?
“You work your way out of a job” — wow! Hadn’t thought of it like this before. Thanks for all these great practical tips. I like the contract idea on the car!!
xx
My daughter is sixteen, and an absolute marvel. Has it been all sunshine and lollipops? No. But I have loved every age and stage, and the teen years have been no exception. Middle school-particularly 7th grade, “the middle of middle” in our district, was hard (shocker, I know). There were self-esteem issues coupled with just-trying-to-fit-in issues, and boys, and one bully of a girl. It was exhausting on multiple levels. But my husband and I hung tough and loved hard. It was crucial for me to continually build her up verbally, and remind her who she is in God- a beloved daughter created by Him for so many beautiful purposes. We made it through, and what a gobsmacking joy to watch her unfurl. She is so many things I could only have wished to be at her age. Is life perfect? Of course not. There are still struggles. Teens today have to contend with so many things we in our 40s did not. Hang tough, love hard.
One more thing- I can’t overstate the importance of zero. social. media. Our teen girls are already in a vulnerable season of life. There’s enough screaming and shouting done by the world telling them who and what they should be. Keep the Instagram door firmly shut.
I love being a mom to the two God has entrusted to me (my son is twelve). It’s an honor to shepherd them through life- the ups, the downs, and everything in between. All the best to you as you continue to do so with your kids!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sarah Jane — I appreciate your balancing of “this is tough” but also “this is an honor.” It can be so easy to forget the latter part of the equation when you’re overwhelmed by parenthood! Going to keep your voice in my head.
Thanks for chiming in here —
xx
I’m mom to three daughters and the youngest has just finished her first year of college. I wouldn’t call it advice as much as a struggle that I faced (and still do!). I find it hard to draw the boundary of being a friend vs. being a parent. My husband is constantly reminding me that our most important role is to keep them safe and to teach/model resilience, discipline, independence. I am the softy who is overly involved in their personal lives and way to quick to “rescue” them from situations/dilemmas they really need to be figuring out for themselves. I find parenting to be the thing I am most fulfilled by and the “job” that has come most naturally to me, even though I am constantly messing it up ❤️
Tara! I so appreciate your vulnerability and candor in bringing this up. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to hear other moms say “I’m still struggling with xxx.” Makes me feel less alone in the parts of motherhood that I continue to grapple with. (At my kids’ ages, I keep running into the issue of when to push versus when to let go, especially with trying new things and advocating for themselves. I can’t fight their battles / be there all the time — it’s hard to know when to intervene and nudge them to keep trying something, or to stick up for themselves vs let them figure it out on their own. Like when am I scaffolding versus wing-clipping? This is true on big things and small things. It’s exhausting to continually ask myself about this!!)
Anyway, completely relate — hang in there! Solidarity!!
xx