A great shopping week! I treated myself to new jeans and this pre-loved Celine phone sling this week. It holds a phone and has slots for two credit cards. Will be perfect for driving the kids to school / running a quick errand.
Kule also sent me a couple of cheerful items this week, including this cheerful striped tee, and Nike sent me this parcel of cheerful fitness pieces! I am pinching myself. Cannot wait to wear these!
Earlier this week, my friend Alex shared this quote from Anne Lamott in her lovely newsletter:
“Don’t look at your feet to see if you are doing it right. Just dance.”
The words clung to me all week and inspired me to play around with adapting one of my recent musings to video format, with a green and unvarnished result here. Text is my medium (“the pen fits snugly in my hand”), and it is much more forgiving from an editing standpoint, but it felt bracingly good to flex new creative muscles.
As if peering into my soul, a Magpie reader sent me a message that included the following quote on the same day:
“You can do it, you just have not done it yet.”
I was also thinking of Mary Oliver (of course – my intellectual headwaters), and Herman Hesse, who wrote, respectively:
“Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my work, which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished….which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart and these body-clothes, a mouth with which to give shouts of joy.”
“Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.”
Somewhere between the rejoinders to “give shouts of joy,” dance without looking at my feet, and not take myself too seriously, I found a little creative pocket. Why not try something new? What, after all, is the risk? An hour spent tinkering? In a metatextual sense, too, for someone who spends much of her day in a creative mindspace, this is the job. I am meant to play with the language, to reflect on its proportions and flow. Video introduced a different aperture.
Anyway, hoping these plucky sentiments nudge you to pick up the pen, or the pickle ball paddle, or what have you, and not look at your feet.
P.S. If you’re a writer, you will enjoy Anne Lamott’sBird by Bird. Beautiful instructions for writing, and life.
+I ordered a few items to try for my upcoming warm weather getaway: this caftan and this spectacular cocktail dress for the dressiest night.
+Adore this well-priced wavy mirror. Great for an entryway.
+Big vault sale happening at Dagne Dover! I think these backpacks would be great for travel with kids, and I know many of you love their phone slings (on sale for under $60 in select colors).
+Petite Plume is offering us 15% off with code JEN15. I love mini’s new sheets (more importantly, so does she!) and of course their jammies are the sweetest.
+This switch plate for a little one’s room! More adorable finds for a little one’s room here, to which I would add this fabulous bed?!
+These are the pendants our interior designer selected and had installed in our kitchen – I just noticed they are on sale!
+If you want to be the coolest girl in the room, treat yourself to this denim jacket.
+Best sippy cups. We’ve retired these now (!!!) and just use the cups.
+Pretty gift tags! Love the script. On the subject of gift tags, though, I am still obsessed with these sticker ones from Joy Creative Shop. I use these mainly for gifts from the kids – so easy to just tag one; I feel like you don’t need a ribbon when you affix one of these to a corner!
+Speaking of gifts, if you’re looking for something unusual and very special, you might consider a John Derian tray. I have a few of these that look gorgeous on a coffee table / shelf / on top of a stack of books / as a jewelry dish. How beautiful is this peony one?
*I wore this twice this week and had a few questions about how it compares to my similar $58 Amazon bag. This one is real leather, whereas the Amazon is PU Leather, which explains the price difference. Otherwise, very similar in handfeel, shape, style. You can get 15% off the Lily and Bean one (seen here) with code JEN15.
*Almost all sold out, but run TTS. A pricier/splurgier take would be the Citizens Gaucho jeans in the cowboy wash. Go a full size down.
**These are really, really comfortable. I own in two colors and they fill a big void in my wardrobe. I also have a fancy pair of Tods but I find these much, much more comfortable to slip into. I also like the slightly pointed toe — elongating. Love!
TO A COCKTAIL PARTY: LA LIGNE DRESS (OLD, SIMILAR HERE) // LILY AND BEAN HETTIE BAG // MERIT SIGNATURE LIPSTICK (THE BEST BEST IN MILLENNIAL COLOR)
P.P.P.S. Valentine’s Day is approaching! Lots of fab finds here.
By: Jen Shoop
I was so moved by the messages I received in response to my post on worrying. There was a particularly high density of notes from mothers whose children had also been in speech therapy, and the common chord was: it’s a long road, but stick with it; it works. Thank you for these messages of encouragement and solidarity. There is a scene in one of my favorite books, Circe by Madeline Miller, in which the nymphs are gathered in repose and conversation in a pocket of a watery cave. The imagery was so powerful I subconsciously plucked it right out of the narrative, stripped it of its context (in fact, I think something nefarious is afoot in the scene in the book), and reappropriated as a personal avatar of female belonging and connection. When I wrote that post, and I read the emails and comments and DMs, the nymph mural unfurled in my imagination: women, together, whispering their truths. Thank you for the gift of your warm company.
One comment that jumped out at me:
“My son’s autistic and we struggled through nearly no speech for years (it took several years of preschool early intervention therapy through our school district and private speech therapy.) Now he talks all the time but one of the things I noticed was that we would see no progress for a long time, to the point wondering if he would ever talk or if it would be minimal and then all of a sudden he would have a burst of development, like something suddenly clicked for him. Then it would stagnate for a bit, then another burst. Every kid is obviously very different but hoping this is a little peace-of-mind as he’s going through speech therapy.”
I was stirred for many reasons. First, God bless this woman, and her son — clearly, a hard-working and devoted duo. I’ve written about this elsewhere, but my daughter wore an eye patch for about half of her waking hours between the ages of 2-5 in order to correct an eye condition (she still wears the patch for an hour a day), and the experience forever opened my heart to parents with children with more severe and permanent disabilities, ailments, conditions. Being a parent is hard enough, but then you layer in the special needs, the looks and questions, the unexpected challenges of maneuvering through spaces that are not designed for your child…! These parents are real heroes, all sinew and soothing. So, reading Jennifer’s comment put things into meaningful perspective for me.
Second, I warmed myself around her insight that children sometimes learn in leaps. This in fact happened earlier this week: my son was suddenly able to make a sound that, just one week ago, he could not make without introducing what his therapist calls “a sneaky t.” I was astounded! I could see my son applying himself with determination, too: he would pause, and think, before attempting the sound. His self-awareness and work ethic touched me. I praised him in the car ride home: “I’m so proud of your hard work. I can see how hard you are trying.” We toasted him similarly at dinner that night, with his sister present, and a quiet smile spread across his face. Funny how the sticky, hard parts of life reveal hidden strengths you might not otherwise notice — and give you opportunities to celebrate your loved ones for them.
But more generally, I thought to myself: of course children learn in leaps, and how foolish I was to expect a trimmer timeline. On the practical side, he has spent the first four and half years of his life teaching himself clever little ways to avoid sounds that are challenging for him to pronounce. There is a lot of muscle memory there. It will take time to unlearn them. But, more philosophically: few things that matter happen overnight, right? In fact, I can think of nearly nothing, save winning the lottery. Every good thing in my life has taken many years to come to fruition. As Steve Jobs put it, “overnight success stories take a long time.” What this says to me: There is no need to rush. What is meant for you will arrive at exactly the right time.
And so we put one foot in front of the other, and drive to and from my son’s therapy every Wednesday afternoon, and during those car rides, my son brings me news of his world, and I find it reassuring that the headlines have little to do with his speech and instead look like: “we played Mario at recess” and “I got two lollipops instead of one” and “Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon.”
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+In photo at top, my boy is sitting in speech therapy with his little 80s sweatshirt on (backwards), hands crossed, snow boots dangling because too-short to reach the floor. Love him so much.
+These Nili Lotan pants have a cult following but are too long if you’re a fellow petite. I’ve heard such good things about these Velvet brand pants as an alternative for us shorties, and they were just restocked here! Ordered.
+If you order my favorite robe (wear daily, one of my prized possessions) this week, you’ll get a complimentary toiletry bag from Weezie! This is your sign to treat yourself.
+Everyone’s favorite Toteme sweater is on sale! You can also find them on The Real Real, FYI. Look for less with this.
+Cute scattered hearts pillow — love this for a baby’s room! $20! More Valentine’s Day finds here.
+During our snow days this week, I pulled out this bag of blank peg dolls and my children and I decorated them with paint, stickers, felt, etc. My son used a pipe cleaner to make a scarf! I tried to model my dolls on these beautiful Disney Princess ones on Etsy (would make a sweet gift). Fun rainy/snowy day project. More indoor activity ideas here, and lots of sensory play ideas here. We did a lot of the latter during the pandemic.
+This platter is gorgeous. I honestly love it just for shelf styling or even stowing letters/mail in a front hall.
+I hadn’t thought about Valentino in a minute, but these slingbacks turned my head. Look for less with these.
+I absolutely love these terry shorts for my son — he’s owned a few pairs the past few summers! Soft for him but preppy!
+If you have sensitive skin, you must check out Vetted, a skincare line founded by female dermatologists / experts in dermatitis. They sent me a few of their products and they are ultra-clean, ultra-gentle. I believe many of them are formulated to be pregnancy safe, too, but make sure you check! (All of the products are well priced, but you can get 15% off with code Jen15).
+LOVE a waffle tee. I have one from Everlane from years ago that has seen better days that I wear basically any time it’s clean as a base layer beneath sweater.
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This week, in addition to buying new jeans, I also realized I wanted to inject some more color into my mid-winter wardrobe as an antidote to the mid-winter blahs. I have this rainbow stripe Kule and this bold cardigan on their way to me now. I also pulled this ultra-cheerful liquid blush out this week — it is heavily pigmented, so you must use a light hand, but the effect is joyful. (This is from Selena Gomez’s beauty label!)
I mentioned this in Sunday’s diary (and was so caught off guard by how many of you wrote to me to say you felt the same way about fitness led by a trainer or strong class leader — turns off the decision-making function for us in the most pleasant way), but Nike is sending me a parcel of new fitness pieces and I selected a bunch in a hot pink color. My order below.
*A few of you wrote to rave about these as excellent training / gym shoes! I was in definite need for a shoe with more ankle stability than my running ones offer. Can’t wait!
Q: Just found out I’m pregnant with baby #2 — a boy. Diaper bag recs?
A: I would do a Rue de Verneuil! So chic and sporty and kind of masculine but polished? Also very roomy. Use pouches to keep the interior sorted — love these roomy quilted ones from Pehr, or these handsome ones from Minnow. Also think this Proenza Schouler would work well.
Q: Statement cardigan.
A: Love this one from Hunter Bell’s latest collection, or anything striped, like this or this.
Q: My son’s Baptism, tropical weather.
A: I’m obsessed with this cardigan and skirt for a Baptism, and you could pair with a simple leather sandal or slide, but if it’s really hot where you’ll be, you must check out the dresses Doen launches yesterday that are already selling out. Love this and this for a beautiful Baptism. Alternately, if you prefer color, something like this, this, or this would be lovely. More of a splurge, but literally anything Emilia Wickstead — this, this!
Q: Pink tea party dress, not too over the top.
A: This dress fits like a dream. Layer beneath a little cropped sweater or blazer. Or maybe do something different with a blazer and trousers in the perfect pink hue!
Q: Everyday crossbody for post-diaper-bag-life, ideally under $300.
A: Can’t say enough good things about Merit’s signature lipstick. Glides on like balm, hydrating, and stays put. I love the millennial pink color!
Q: Jewelry storage! Are there any cute and well organized boxes anymore?
A: I have and love these little velvet compartmentalized trays. So easy to find what you’re looking for, and they stack! This has greatly simplified my jewelry storage situation. If you want a true jewelry box, Wolf’s are iconic and top of the line. How spectacular is this one!? Gilt carries some styles at a discount. Pottery Barn also has some really great, well-made options. I have one of theirs I bought in my 20s that I still use for pieces I wear less frequently than the ones in my velvet trays. This one looks fantastic, and love these ones, too.
Q: Toddler ski gloves / mittens.
A: I have been so happy with the ones from Northern Classics. I especially appreciate the velcro cinching strap at the wrist — they really keep the gloves on/in place — and the over-long length, so they provide extra coverage / no bare wrists in sight. They’re lined with fleece – my kids love them. More ski/snow picks here.
Q: Work cocktail dress that’s not black / short / low cut.
A: Julia Amory just released this mock-neck, silk dupioni ankle-length dress that looks like a total wardrobe workhorse. Flattering, easy to wear, can be dressed up or down. Pair with a pump and big earrings for a work event. I’m also a forever fan of a black shirtdress. And then, of course, Veronica Beard knows what it’s doing in the work appropriate category. Love this.
Q: Dress for my daughter’s first daddy-daughter dance. Size 6.
A: How sweet?! I love the dresses from La Coqueta. Something like this would be adorable. I also love the styles from Sal E Pimenta. If she’s not into the fancier styles, you might consider Pink Chicken. I have lots of friends who swear by this brand for littles who have outgrown the Peter Pan collars.
Q: Current hair care favorites?
A: Still using and loving Roz Foundations Shampoo and Conditioner (15% off with code MAGPIE15). If my hair needs a good scrub, I love Goop’s G.Tox salt scrub and this scalp scrubber. If my hair feels over-dry, I’m obsessed with this conditioner. I’m growing my hair out and I am finding most products really weigh my hair down more noticeably than they did when my hair was shorter, so I’m finding less is more these days. I use a tiny bit of either Oribe Royal Blowout or Davines All in One Milk (like one spritz in my hands and use only on the ends of my hair) as a protectant / detangler. Currently in my cart: this shampoo that Nicole Cassidy recommended (queen of long hair!), as it seems well-suited to longer hair health.
Q: Dreaming about the Bottega Andiamo but way out of budget. Anything kind of like it for less?
A: Thank you so much! I thought it would be easier to see how the jeans fit/move in video format. I kept the SLVRLAKES! I am still unsure if I’m going to hem or not — maybe I kind of like the longer length? — but I felt like the wash and fit made them more versatile for all kinds of affairs.
I am in a third, equally stymied position: I find myself with less time than usual to read. Or, rather, I am focusing my sparing free pockets of time on other pursuits — namely, fitness, mixed in with extra doses of childcare (we had a half day Friday, no school and no childcare Monday, and a snow day with no school and childcare Tuesday). I have long believed in “the three slot” philosophy, which is basically: I have enough time and focus to give to only three major categories of activity in my life at any given time. Family and writing are my permanent numbers one and two, and the third rotates between fitness, friendship, involvement in the children’s school, reading, culinary adventures, etc. Of course, I dabble in all of these categories all the time, but in fractions rather than whole numbers. The third slot is a big question mark for me, and it alternates with seasons and my fidgety interests, but I do try to be intentional about it: “OK, Jen, this is the season for fitness.” Or, “and now, we read.” Just naming the third slot erases a lot of the guilt that can occasionally accompany doing things for myself, and can also ease decision paralysis/fatigue. For example, if I know fitness is occupying the third slot, I can more readily put off ordering a new book, or saying “yes” to a social engagement that I’m on the fence about.
Anyhow, this is why I am making chelonian progress through The Fourth Wing, which I know many Magpies (and dear friends) loved — in fact, I’ve had several interesting and compelling conversations about it with my sister and a few girlfriends over text in recent weeks that have been more enjoyable than the book itself. (Don’t hate me for saying it!) In the novel’s demerit column: I cannot stand the protagonist, and this likely also explains the drag in my readership. I was reflecting on why as I made the bed this morning. It’s not so much that I find her poorly written or “cringe” (as I first described her via text to my girlfriends), but — the heavy-handed conceit of her using humor to mask insecurity and gravity rubs me the wrong way. I think I am looking for earnestness where I am finding snark, and it feels misplaced in a novel in which we are reading the protagonist’s (teenage!) innermost thoughts. She is performing caustic commentary for an audience of one? (Later, a dragon is able to read her thoughts, and the “conversationality” of her tone makes more sense there, but still: cloying to the point of hackle-raising.)
Maybe I will pause and turn to something else?
I polled my Magpies on their favorite current/recent reads and thought I’d share in case you also need a change in reading scenery. Sharing only the ones with multiple upvotes. Please add to the list / upvote in the comments:
*I have to give a little plug for the Van Pelt. This was one of the sleeper hits of 2023 for me — I read it, thought it was lovely and unusual, and wrote a warm review of it here. But it’s one of those books whose images, and characters, linger. I find myself thinking about scenes from that novel more frequently than I’d have expected — they’ve permanently lodged as referent points in my imagination. What a gift Van Pelt has!
Two other book-related mentions: first, if you’re looking for something lighter-weight, and you don’t follow Katie at Beach Reads and Bubbly, you’re missing out. She is charming beyond measure (I am immediately drawn to a woman who a) takes her own joy seriously, and b) does not take herself too seriously, and I deeply enjoy her thoughts and reviews on all things books. Second, I find Ova at Excuse My Reading so fun to follow. Her instagram description is “Half Woman, Half Book,” which — aptly describes another type of woman I immediately love. She’s designing her own cottage library, and I find the entire pursuit sweet and in its own way profound? Virginia Woolf would think well of it.
Post-Scripts: A Lil Shopping.
+The heavy-duty tee we all need. She’s perfect for throwing on over leggings.
+So tempted by one of these hats. Keep imagining how perfect one would look with my Nalida topcoat. (On sale, but still a splurge!)
+Still in my pursuit of perfect sweats: what do we think of these? Keep hearing good things.
+Handy for organizing tiny parts — Barbie accessories, lego people, etc.
By: Jen Shoop
Around my feet curl a pile of tiny bed clothes,
detritus from the morning mayhem, dotted with cereal milk and purple ink.
I kick them out of the way, making a mental note to gently remind my children, again, to deposit their pajamas into their ample-sized laundry bins,
and to hang their coats and put their shoes away when they come in the door besides.
But the halls of my home are deafeningly quiet,
as though the held-breath of the symphony audience after the orchestral caesura,
and what sometimes comes out too-strident in the cacophony of raising two spirited and squabbling children who need more of me than I sometimes have to give —
stalls mute, an effete earful.
I am gripped by a kind of Wednesday weepiness,
suddenly shocked that I have two children who are no longer babies,
and I think:
in a year, these 4T pajamas with the hearts on them will be worn by a stranger,
having found them in the community donations bin,
and my daughter’s front teeth will have grown all the way in,
replacing the charming gappy grin I love so much today.
In short, nothing will be the same in a year.
And I pick up the pile of clothes, and put them in the bin, and I cry a little bit because motherhood can feel like a slow and painful form of long division,
even though I know it is doleful and distorted to put it that way —
after all,
didn’t motherhood multiply, rather than split, my heart?
+On maintaining wonder as a parent. (This post, and the Magpie reader who wrote me about the death of her son that I mention in it, are often on my mind, and bring me close to tears each time.)
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+In photo at top of today’s musing, you can see my children’s Lake jammies (I was wearing my matching ones beneath my Weezie robe) and mini’s bunny slippers. A few days later, we were using these conversation cards at the breakfast table, and the question was: “If you could dress your mother in anything, what would you choose?” Mini suggested I wear a tuxedo (!), and micro said: “Your Valentine’s pajamas that match mine.” I just ordered this larger set of the cards because my children LOVE them and it’s a great way to prompt and model conversation. Plus, the kids have such funny answers.
+We use an open-front salt pig from Emile Henry for kosher salt (easy to reach in and grab a pinch — we keep it right next to the stovetop) but didn’t have a good solution for stowing Maldon salt and this fancy Japanese seaweed salt Mr. Magpie loves that we heard about from Samin Nosrat, so I bought two of these in different woods (one acacia, one bamboo). Perfect solution. (Note that the Japanese seaweed salt links to a two-pack. Buy one for you and one for a food lover! Great for seasoning rice.)
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A couple of fun and chic new sneakers to zhush up the winter wardrobe. Don’t be afraid of the punchy colors! Pair with your fav jeans and neutral sweater/tee and be on your way! I’m wearing Adidas’ mint green Sambas above, which you can still find here and here, or in different colors here. Make sure you check the sizing — sometimes these are sold in men’s sizes (they’re unisex). I find they generally run a bit big. If in question, you can go down half a size IMO.
*Don’t ask me why, but they are on sale in a silver/white colorway here.
Shopping tip: if you are obsessing over a designer sneaker but unwilling to shell out for them, keep an eye on The Real Real. For example, these Loewe Flows are in my size and in “pristine” condition, with tags on, but under $500. (When I can’t sleep, I love to prowl TRR for hidden gems — I shared some recent excellent finds here.)
The current style is to pair sneakers with socks that show. A few great pairs to consider: any of these ones from Target; these from American Trench; these Falkes (so, so soft and conveniently thin for layering with sneaks — I have a few pair of these); or these pop-of-logo Totemes.
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Judging by how many of us have been buying jeans the past two weeks, I think we’re in a collective mid-winter fashion rut, and in search of new denim silhouettes and washes to recharge the batteries. I ordered three pairs to try on: SLVRLAKE’s London Crops, Citizens of Humanity Florence Wide Leg Straights, and Agolde Riley High Rise Straight Crops. Based on reviews, I ordered my true size in all three pairs. I am petite (5’0) so was specifically looking for pairs that would not need tailoring.
I was particularly excited about the SLVRLAKES. I loved the wash and fit, as shown online. They are just the teensiest bit too long IMO — they look cute barefoot but I think pairing with shoes will make my legs look shorter than they are and/or it will prove difficult to find the right shoe to pair with them. You can see the effect in the final photo, where there just isn’t enough ankle showing to make the straight leg feel/look flattering? At the same time, these were very comfortable and I love the way they hug the hips without feeling constraining. I’m wearing below with my beloved Leset pointelle tee. I am sitting here debating whether or not to go through the expense of hemming. I really like them. I think taking them up 1/2″ to 1″ would be the perfect result…
The second pair was Citizen’s Florence, which hugged in all the right places and have an unfinished hem, meaning I could trim them maybe 1/2″-1″ to reveal a touch more ankle. I think the straight leg is a nice departure from the kick flares I’ve been so into lately. Such a cool black wash, too — Citizens does the best washes! I’m wearing with The Great’s The Slim Tee. If you are tall, you need this t-shirt. It’s overlong — I wish I’d taken a picture of it untucked — but it goes down to like mid-thigh on me. Great, ultra-soft material.
Finally, I tried Agolde’s Riley jeans. I have a few pairs of Agoldes, all of which I adore, and these might be the most comfortable pair from the brand I’ve tried on?! Wash is interesting (more casual because of distressing at pockets — I feel like the SLVLRLAKEs could be a bit more versatile, e.g., you could dress up with a blazer and nice flats for a slightly nicer occasion, but these really feel dressed down), and THE LENGTH IS PERFECT. If you are a shortie like me, these have your name written all over them. No hemming required! Again, I’m 5’0 and I think they hit the perfect part of the ankle.
A few other pairs of jeans worth a look:
TOP ROW:
+Citizens Gaucho Vintage Jeans. Run big – go down a full size – but work surprisingly well on petites IMO. The color is amazing.
+Veronica Beard Dylan Jeans. Cuffed jeans have been a major trend this fall/winter season. VB tends to offer well-tailored / more polished and elevated takes on the trends, and here is no exception. Love the dark wash and front-leg seam. Super sharp! For something more on-the-fashion-nose, Agolde’s Dames are all the rage.
+Khaite Vivian Jeans. SO many Magpies adore these! Better for taller girlies.
Last but not least, two of my tried and true favorite everyday jeans: Citizens Charlotte (classic) and Agolde Rileys (in a different wash — less stretch than the pair seen above, and I feel they have a different look/fit).
02. Best heart-shaped melamine plates and bowls — I bought these a few years ago and love to use them around Valentine’s Day for the kids. Also an inexpensive way to present treats for the classroom without worrying about getting the plate/tray back. Incidentally, we use the bowls year-round specifically when serving up a two-part snack: popcorn in one half, apple slices in the other. It just creates a natural “half and half” serving option.
03. Dior-inspired sandals. (Compare with the real deal, for $750 more, here.)
04. Boxy-fit tee. Love the look — the silhouette reminds me of my beloved Margo.
07. Floral-pattern throw for your little one’s room. Reminds me in general ethos of a Chappywrap. (P.S. Chappywrap’s new arrivals are gorgeous! These make such good gifts, including (unexpectedly?) for men. Awhile ago, I polled my Magpies with: “What does your husband routinely steal / borrow from you?” The answers were split between skincare products and Chappywrap blankets! Ha!)
Last week, Mr. Magpie and I were talking to a woman whose daughter was in the midst of receiving college acceptance and rejection letters.
“Life lessons coming in fast and hard,” observed my husband. The mother nodded:
“Exactly. This is the first time in her life she’s been rejected. And I told her, ‘But it’s done, and you’re still standing. It’s over, and you’re still here, and you’re fine.’”
What was your first rejection? What did you learn from it?
College application was also my first rejection. (Or, perhaps, my first major rejection. My first year of high school was ungainly as all get-out, and I felt like a gawky outsider for most of it. I didn’t field any outright rebuffs, but I was nursing wounds of a slighter, and possibly more insidious, silhouette: the ‘why didn’t I get invited?’ and ‘I wish I could be friends with those girls’ type. It’s probably unfair to label those non-interactions as “rejections,” but that’s what they felt like.)
When I histrionically collapsed into tears after a rejection letter from Princeton University, I wasn’t thinking anything remotely like: “this is my first rejection, and I’m still standing, and I’m still here.” I was thinking: “My life is over; my identity as an academic is forfeited; Princeton’s admissions teams has outed me as the intellectual charlatan I am.” I was not one of those four-pronged students, with great grades, a varsity sport, a sterling community service record, and an off-the-wall hobby. I was Jen with a 4.3 GPA and a string of AP 5 scores under her belt. I was valedictorian of my class, and – that was all. Until the letter arrived in the mail, I’d thought, ‘And that’s OK. Academics are my bailiwick.’ So my outright rejection from a school I had publicly stated I wanted to attend dismantled my sense of self. Adding salt to the wound: two of my close friends had gotten into Princeton, and three others were Ivy-bound. I had to white-knuckle my way through celebrating the arrival of their thickly padded acceptance envelopes. I tried, fastidiously, to avoid jealousy and instead riot against the injustice of Princeton admissions, but it was hard. I found myself tiptoeing around an unbecoming calculus: was it because they had family connections? Had at least one or two extracurriculars? Were smarter than I was?
Comparison is the thief of joy. It left me sour when I could have been celebrating my own acceptances (multiple!), and I had the wherewithal to see this, but was not particularly elegant about extricating myself from its brawny grip. Still, my awareness that the paths my friends had started down would not be my own, and that there was nothing I could do about that but go my own way was a precursor to the bigger learning that my first major rejection offered me:
When one door closes, another opens, and it is the one you’re meant to walk through.
UVA was the best possible experience for me at that time. I met and started dating the love of my life. I was in a special scholars program that made me feel recognized for my intellectual abilities. I came into my own socially. I made a ring of best friends who have proved to be “lifers” — we reconvened in Atlanta this past fall, and we all keep in good touch with one another. I worked hard, and I had so much fun. Virginia laminated me, shaped me, enriched me, and I emerged a happier, better-rounded woman. Would these things have happened at Princeton? I have no idea, and we’re entering Schrodinger’s Cat territory by engaging with the question. The point is: I went to UVA and found the experience roundly fulfilling, and I knew with a kind of bone-deep certainty that this was where I was meant to be.
It took a full semester enrolled at UVA for me to begin to see this. Meaning: I was licking my wounds for nearly a year.
One thing I find auspicious about the generation of children we are raising now is that they will be armed with a fuller vocabulary when encountering these routine, coming-of-age emotional maelstroms. I know my family said all the most nurturing and generous things to me when I was flailing against the Princeton letter, but we did not talk about rejection and failure in the abstract. I did not have a grasp on the topography of life lesson-making. I knew only: “I feel really bad, and I don’t know how to get out of this, and life is over.” I’m sure teens today feel those same emotions on a visceral level, but they probably also hear things like: “This is the first of many rejections in your life. And you’re fine, and you’re still standing.” So much of modern parenting seems to be about “giving kids the tools” and “coaching them through emotions” and I am hopeful that my own daughter can encounter her own first major rejection without holding a funeral for a full year.
What are your thoughts, friends? What were the major lessons from your own first rejection?
Post-Scripts.
*Caveat to today’s musing: I recognize my privilege in being able to attend college and have my pick of the options in front of me. I know these conversations are triggering to those who had different experiences and constraints, or for whom college was not an option.
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This week, I had my first session with a personal trainer. I arrived in a mildly apprehensive state — despite prostrating myself to the writing gods on a daily basis (and, accordingly, enduring routine failures in my efforts), I generally avoid things I know I will be bad (or beginner-level) at, especially where an audience is involved. I find I push myself too hard in order to meet the expectations of others in these types of settings. In general, I think I push myself too hard — overhang from my Type A teen years in a high school environment that prized high achievement. I specifically remember a classmate of mine (whom I adore and still keep in touch with — E, if you’re reading, I see you) who would walk around with a clipboard, highlight and color-code her planner in intriguing and hyper-organized ways to keep tabs on assignments and exams, and keep a thick stack of index cards on hand to drill herself on material between classes. This was high school. I considered the discipline normal, even therapeutic, and desirable. Perhaps all the structure compensated (in ways healthy and not) for the wilderness of my inside world as a teen. Even now, I find I have to consciously coach myself out of a “must get this done at all costs” headspace on a semi-routine basis. It’s a virtue in some situations (I can be a self-directed spartan — a requirement if you are going to write for a living, and work for yourself), but it can be injurious in others. For example, I had a bad head cold earlier this week, and I had to force myself to lay down for 60 minutes even though my body desperately needed it. And when I say Force myself, I mean it. I kept looking at the clock and saying, “In ten minutes, I will lay down…” and then punting the deadline back, despite the fact that I was sweaty and feverish. And I felt guilt (!) about missing a day of exercise owing to the cold since I’ve been so on the ball about it this year. (C’mon, Jen!Let’s create a life baggy enough to live in!). I was able to propel myself through by insisting “you’re where you need to be” once I got into bed. I knew immediately that my body needed the rest and leaned into it.
Anyhow, as I went into my first session, I anticipated scary drills that would exceed my capacity, but was pleasantly surprised by three things: first, the non-judgmental professionalism of my trainer, second, the relief of having someone else do the decision-making for you, and third, the fact that I am stronger than I think. On the first point: I found it easy to take feedback on my form because of the trainer’s straight-forward tone. It almost felt like a neutral force pushing me into the right position. No judgement, no embarrassment, just — “scoop your belly” or “pull this arm in closer” or “flex your foot.” On the second point, I enjoyed the feeling of being shepherded through a range of drills and reps. It was almost like working out on auto-pilot? Like, the moves were challenging, and I am sitting here with aching arms and legs, but at the time, I just went from Point A to Point B because I was told to do so, and an hour of rigorous work evaporated into thin air. Perhaps my people-pleasing ways were, for once, an asset. “You want another crunch? Sure.” “45 second plank? Mhm.” “Move my leg this way? Yes ma’am.” I think this might have been amplified by the sensation of decision fatigue in my personal life. We are responsible for so many decisions every single day! Parenting multiplies the decision points by a trillion. Should I push her to hurry up and finish her breakfast because we’re running behind, or will that agitate her unhelpfully? Maybe she needs the extra fuel today? We’re out of apples, should we do kiwis or bananas for breakfast ? What did I pack in their lunches again — don’t want to be too redundant on the fruit offered. (These exact thoughts actually took place in the span of 1.1 seconds this morning. Just one second, casually packed with thirty five prompts and related decisions. Oy!) Anyhow, what a treasure to be in a situation in which I was the raw material being passed through someone else’s decision-making process. My body was working, but my mind was at rest. Finally, I enjoyed a major ego boost because the trainer conducted some initial strength/stability/agility assessments and told me “for someone who thinks she’s not very strong and only occasionally works out, you’ve got great core strength, balance, and body awareness.” (!!!) I felt like a million bucks! I share this not to self-aggrandize but to say — the same is probably true of you. I had discounted the benefit of having tried lots of workouts over the years (yoga, pilates, barre, cycling); because I haven’t stuck with any of them, and I had always heard that “you lose muscle tone / memory within a week if you don’t keep at it,” I considered those temporary practices fossils from the past, with no bearing on my present wellness or strength. But in fact — ! I did carry a lot from those former experiences, especially in the realm of balance and body awareness, into the fitness room this week. I know how to isolate muscles and best practices for stabilizing (bend knee, focus on core muscles, lock eyes somewhere a few feet in front of you) and am overall familiar with the feeling of powering through when your muscles are shaking. So for anyone feeling like you’re starting at square one because you haven’t taken a fitness class in years, you’re not. You’re already better primed than you think, and probably stronger than you think, too! As we say: onward…!
Another random insight from the week: do you ever find yourself absolutely sprinting through tasks because they feel like they’re “getting in the way” of your real work (as a mom, as an employee, as an entrepreneur)? Things like filling out forms, ordering Valentines for your child to hand out in class, responding to emails, following up on insurance claims, completing performance reviews? Here’s something I’ve been telling myself a lot lately: “This is the job.” Not to say that we shouldn’t work at a rigorous pace, and not to Pollyanna it (no one ever wants to call an insurance company), but just to dispel that grating voice telling me “hurry up so you can get your real job started.” I’m doing my real job. This is the job. Identifying the tasks that occasionally feel like interruptions as “the real work” immediately changes my outlook.
Mr. Magpie always compares and blends multiple recipes, and he primarily consults with these two cookbooks for all things pasta: Missy Robbins and Oretta Zanini de Vita. We use an old-fashioned, creaky hand-crank pasta roller from Imperia, and he achieved the zig-zag trim on the noodles using these beautiful handmade wooden and brass pasta cutters I found on Etsy a few years ago. I love that they’re called “nonna’s cutters.” By the way, the bundle of these items (along with Typo 00 flour — the type most pasta makers use) would make a great gift for a cook!
+These handmade “ripple bowls” (seen above) from Haand still spark such joy. They have a funky organic shape but are the perfect size and depth for pasta, rice bowls, anything with a little sauce. In the background, we plated a roasted squash that Mr. Magpie topped with sage, hot honey, and parm on these salad plates from the same brand.
+I was deeply moved by the comments, emails, DMs about this post on worrying. So many words of encouragement and tonic that I needed to hear. One Magpie shared this quote: “God gives grace for the situation, not the imagination.” She added: “That is to say, it’s easy to get worried thinking about the future, and we can forget that God will be with each at each step, giving us the grace we need. I often repeat this to myself.” Thank you, friends.
+Nike (!! true pinch me moment!!) reached out and offered to send me a few things to help with my fitness journey and I cannot wait for them to arrive so I can work out in pieces that are highly functional and also stylish. One thing I absolutely needed was a pair of non-running / more general gym/training shoes! I have multiple pairs of these running shoes that I love but my trainer pointed out that these are designed for forward motion and that my ankle was often near-rolling when I was doing side-steps / side-lunges / etc. I picked these out, along with these leggings, this sports bra, this tee, and some more socks. A mood-elevating pink moment for the training sessions. I also picked up this cropped tee specifically for stationery bike days in my home and this thermal half-zip for cold weather running. (Thank you, Nike — you could have knocked me over with a feather when they reached out.)
+On related front: I did a review of all of my favorite leggings here earlier this week, and I’m now moving on to find the perfect pair of sweats. The Vuoris (sweatshirt / sweatpants) arrived and I don’t think they’re it for me. I’ll do a full review and comparison but I don’t love the clinginess of the fabric and I feel like the length of the sweatshirt paired with the joggers looks frumpy rather than chic? At the same time, I’m thinking I’ll keep the hoodie to wear on its own because it’s got a nice, light, layerable weight and I’m for some reason in love with the strings from the hoodie? I will say these joggers did work on me despite the fact that I’m short (5’0) because of the “anklet” cinching bottom. I don’t know, now that I’m reviewing the photos, I’m like, “maybe these do have a place in my closet?” What are your thoughts?
+A little reminder that Danrie is running an amazing sale at the moment, and they’re offering an extra 20% off sale prices this weekend. I shared all my favorites here; the extra discount means you can get this beautiful winter parka from one of my favorite children’s brands (Northern Classics) for a scoch over $65. They generously sent me a few pieces from the sale, and I’m especially excited about the jacket for mini and this Bobo Choses elephant set for my boy. I mentioned this earlier this week, but I have a few items from that brand — spendy, but I always feel like my kids look like fancy French kids whose parents work cool jobs in the music industry when they wear them. Ha!
+In the background above, the sweetest Petite Plume sheets. I have to say, my daughter was ecstatic when she came home and the bed was made up with them. She threw her arms around me and said “thank you so much mommy!” (!!!) and was upset when I told her I’d need to launder them this weekend. “Will they still be as soft after?!” So, we’re big Petite Plume bedding fans in these parts.
+You can also see a little cuff from my new La Ligne sweater. I’m so into an exaggerated cuff these days! Also love the ones on this sweater I wore earlier this week, from G. Label, and the Toteme one I wore last week. (Speaking of, the turtleneck version of the Toteme sweater would be one of my top picks from this roundup of wardrobe basics. Have heard a few expecting Magpie mamas treated themselves to it and wore it heavily throughout pregnancy with leggings. Obviously can be worn PP too!)
+Speaking of laundry: just your quarterly reminder to clean the washing tub with one of these packets. I just used up my last one and re-ordered. Absolute magic. I can usually smell when I need to use one — the tub of the washing machine will smell slightly mildewy or just off. This takes care of business in an hour.
+Do you ever have one of those moments where your kids leave the house and you’re busy tidying up and you think, “oh wait, I have two little kids? I’m a mom? How did this happen?” I sort of snap out of my quotidian routine and can’t believe I’m here. I blinked and I have a six and four year old! I had that moment today when I looked down at the pile of pajamas at my feet after I’d shepherded them out the door. May I add that four is the absolute sweetest age? My son was joyful when he realized we had matching pajamas. I know this sweetness cannot persist; soon it will be deeply uncool to match with mom.
+Above, wearing the new mint heart Lake Pajamas. I had hoped to save the kids’ pairs as a surprise for Valentine’s Day, but they saw them and begged, and I acquiesced. Wearing mine with my beloved Weezie robe. Truly one of my most treasured possessions.
