This is a first: I’m republishing a piece I’ve republished before. I suppose I’ve done this a few times with my fiction, but not yet with a musing. But I was thinking about the notion of wool gathering the other day, about the squiggly paths that take us where we’re meant to go, and about how much meaning we make while in motion. I think sometimes we feel we cannot make sense of things until we’re settled, until we’ve turned the page on a new chapter, but the truth is — we’re always turning the pages. Now is as good a time as any to look closely, to notice and name the shapes in front of us. We don’t need the full story, the final chapter, to appreciate the current page. It can be simple, too, a rondo of identity statements: I am a mother, I am a hobbyist potterer, I am a wife, I am a reader, I am a night owl or a morning bird or a none-of-the-above. I like historical fiction, I like the sunset filtering into my quiet kitchen, I like to pray on my evening dog walk.
It’s just: we cannot live our lives in airport mode, waiting at the gates, suspended from our destinations. We must settle in to the right here and right now. We are currently, acutely living our only lives. So imagine today, no matter how unsettled things are, no matter how liminal the lay of the land, you are actually in a nesting place. You are peering out into the world, yes, but you have your huddle, too, and it can feel secure in its own way.
*****
I couldn’t bear to overwrite my previous headnotes, published on November 22, 2023, so I’m leaving them below. When I wrote this, my children were four and six, which feels like a wound to write? I miss their younger selves even as I love their current ones. Anyhow, a pastiche is forming here.
[Previous head note, published November 22, 2023.] A Magpie reader wrote me a lovely note earlier this week letting me know that she and her best friend often talk about “the years that ask and the years that answer.” (Which one is 2023 shaping up to be for you?) I paused for a minute and realized that ever since we moved from New York City to Bethesda, MD, I’ve been living amidst a string of years that answer, and answer, and answer. Life feels solid and comfortable in a way it never did in New York and Chicago before it. I think this is partly the ages of our children, partly the sensation of buying a home vs renting (honestly, more precisely, the sensation of not having to move in the imminent future), partly the fact that we are through our baby years and no longer have that “will we have another?” question asterisking our “dream talks,” partly our stability in our respective careers, and partly the fact that we are back in our hometown after a wild adventure flying the coop. We had to ask a lot of questions, and then handle a lot of fallout from their answers, to land here. My 20s and 30s felt like one long call; I am finally listening to the response. Anyhow, today, I want to say that if you feel you are wandering, and you are coming up on a decade of years that have relentlessly asked, there will be an answering year. You will look back and see the once-immaterial breadcrumb trail that brought you to a place of rest, and you will also see that the experience was not only worth it but wakening.
Below, I’m republishing some thoughts on the long trail for my fellow wool gatherers from an essay I wrote a year and a half ago for a gal who once interned for me.
*****
It is OK to take the long road,
to earn the title “wool-gatherer,”
to be the handwritten cursive subscript under the 12-point Times New Roman font,
to move beneath, rather than with or against, the grain,
with meanderings so under-the-radar that they are dismissed as insignificant.
It is OK to take the squiggly path,
that draws you from arranging name tags on the reception table at the Phillips Collection
to stammering through academic papers in ancient towns in Italy
to gliding through rehearsed presentations to large audiences
to starting and shuttering a business
to writing for a living —
just an example.
It is OK to feel that you have been searching for something you can’t quite put your arms around,
each phase a phantom hug —
but know that the footprints that brought you here
suggest otherwise:
There is meaning-making in the tracks.
For Susie
Post-Scripts.
+You are enough.
+More on that ill-fated academic paper in an ancient town in Italy.
+The moment I realized how little my peers thought of my choice to pursue English.
+Do you see a difference between the way those of us who studied the humanities and those of us who studied STEM approach the world?
Reminder that if you want more Magpie, you can subscribe to my Magpie Email Digest for a weekly roundup of top essays, musings, conversations, and finds, plus bonus letters and thoughts from yours truly.
Shopping Break.
+I keep reaching for pieces in the kiwi/chartreuse/moss color family. It looks so gorgeous and unexpected with the rich plum and grape colors that have been everywhere. Also fun with pinks and reds! A few ways to invite this joyful color into your fall wardrobe: with this alpaca knit ($118), this tidy cardigan (love to tuck a cardigan into jeans and wear like a blouse), this fun layered Dominick sweater from La Ligne (use code MAGPIE10), and these satin Barb trousers!
+A perfect everyday jean. The wash and fit are incredible, and they come in three inseam lengths. Just pulled my pair out for the season and was reminded of how fantastic they are. (Per one Magpie reader: “bury me in AYR denim.”) Have also heard great things about the Bud style.
+This heavy-weight rugby tee is selling out in select colors. I love her — I have in the coffee color. The marigold is fab too. Great top or mid layer over leggings and a tee for drop off.
+Obsessed with this thin-wale cord shirtdress. Infinity ways to style! Over a turtleneck, with tall boots and a statement necklace, with flats and a dramatic scarf!
+Items I pulled out this week: my waffle knit sweatshirts to layer over pajamas (tis the season) and my beloved heating pad. My exact Sunbeam brand one is no longer available but this is very similar. I call mine Heidi and I’m sitting here with her in my lap at my desk.
+OMG this tartan blouse! I’ve begun to curate a small holiday dressing capsule here in case you’re in the market early! (How fab is this taffeta tartan?!)
+Two fab new polo/henley sweater arrivals: this Quince (great color options) and our favorite Alice Walk in a new forest green color.
+Gorgeous baby alpaca gloves to pair with your Gabie coat! (Also love these hooded scarves — get the bright red! So cheering!)
+It was my first properly cold running morning yesterday! I broke out these running gloves, which — reminder! — are THE BEST. They are so inexpensive but they really insulate and wash well in the laundry. I’ve somehow had this $15 pair for almost seven years. Also good for outdoor walks, etc. The other thing I absolutely swear by is a neck gaiter. The less skin you have exposed, the warmer you’ll feel. This brand is female-founded and super high quality. (You know it’s good if it’s made in Vermont.)
+After running with Brooks shoes for a few years, I switched back to Nike. They fit my feet and gait really well. I’m loving this pair at the moment. Great traction, super lightweight, and have a bit more ankle support for me at least.
+Ordered myself this puffer vest in the red, white, and blue.
+Gorgeous fair isle at a good price.
+Another Gap slam dunk! I love it in the fair isle or leopard.
+My favorite earring company for my daughter just released the cutest new designs. I added these microphones to my cart for her Christmas pile (we’ve already been shopping!) because she LOVES to sing at home. Landon got her this karaoke machine two years ago and she’s obsessed with it — sings on it every weekend! (This brand is truly excellent — hypo-allergenic, adorable petite designs, short posts and flat backings that do not poke/irritate little ears. A favorite gift of mine to give to little girls!). Two other items I’ve already snagged for her this Christmas: a Parke sweatshirt and this Olivia Rodrigo Lego set! She’s going to flip.
+This belted statement sweater launched last week and is nearly sold out — SO GOOD.
+Magpie readers are loving this handsome striped henley for our men!
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Image via.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think constantly about your “years that ask and years that answer” essay. These past several years have definitely been years that ask for me. I became a mother of two; my family lived through multiple natural disasters; my career as a litigator intensified (you have no idea how much I connect with stories about your lawyer dad in Colorado.) Every day I dread having to face the scariest judge of all: school drop-off, where all flaws are exposed (you can’t be on time, you have old bags of Wendy’s in your backseat, your son is reeling from you scolding him too hard, your dress is unzipped.) But I’m grateful for all the hard lessons about empathy and forgiveness that this era has given me. It’s easier to skip offense and recognize someone who’s failing to hold back a meltdown when you’ve been on the verge of having one yourself. In my mind, my “answering years” involve me having found the perfect patterned chaise longue where I can read books while wearing sweaters that feel cozy AND glamorous. And having time for longer trips to Colorado with my kids. Nothing is more important for children than unlocking experiences that help them think like a poet. When you say you’ve found your “answering years,” I know that means you’ve found fulfillment like this, and I’m so happy for you. I’ll find balance soon. At least this week there’s no school drop-off!
Ahh! Jeanette! I so feel for you and relate viscerally to the strain of the asking years. Not that all is smooth sailing now, but just — less teeth gritting and “what is happening right now?” Becoming a mother to two over the course a few years is the wildest journey. I lost myself, found myself, etc. I personally have been finding things get easier as the kids get older — at 4 and 6, there are less regular imminent threats to their bodily harm, and they can play on their own and be (sort of) reasoned with. The physical demands abate, too.
Anyhow — there is definitely meaning making in the tracks. You are learning and growing SO much! Thinking of you!!
xx
Absolutely loved reading this post today and 100% agree that “it’s okay to take the squiggly path”. Thank you continuing to share your thoughts and words with this community!
I am also on the search for a new shampoo & conditioner and highly considering ordering the Roz foundation shampoo and conditioner. How long is that code good for? I might wait until this weekend to order it, but don’t want to miss out on the savings!
Hi Alison! Thank you so much for the lovely note. So glad these words resonated!
Yes, the Roz shampoo is EXCELLENT. Code is valid through Monday!
xx
My gosh, ever since I first read your “questions and answers” essay it has lived rent-free in my mind. And now, the same with this illuminating concept of wool gathering. I think for me it speaks to the richness and endless challenge of being in the moment. Taking the good with the bad from what we live through. The journey of it all and what we learn through lived experience rather than immediate enlightenment.
I don’t know if this is nosey, however I wonder if you and Mr Magpie have specific values or quotes you live by or meaning metaphors that you refer to as you make your way through life as partners, as individuals, as parents, and as a family?
The reason being, I shared the “questions and answers” thesis with my own husband and we’ve been returning to it a lot ever since. Simultaneously, we’ve also been referring to another concept from a Graham Weaver lecture that I’ll share below. Though the focus of it is Asymmetric Risk Reward (not my wheelhouse in any capacity at any point in history), the concept of the purposeful surrender to the life reality of summits *and* valleys is something we’ve added to our shared lexicon. I have so many thoughts on it! And as we enter the twilight of 2023, I can honestly say this is has been a year spent in the valley with questions while digging deep to learn and have wholeheartedness in the ascent up the next summit. Ironically, my word of the year for 2023 was Expansion and wow, I’ve been levelled and stretched and challenged in infinite painful, educational, deepening, and ultimately essential ways. I’m tired but I’m grateful — in the (immortal) words of TS, if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow.
All of this to say, I’d love to know what you Jen and the Magpies live by — other words and theses and concepts and values and mottos? Perhaps even the sense of what you’d want your epitaph statement to be?
In closing, I wanted to wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and connected Thanksgiving. I’m so grateful for your writing and since I started reading a bit over a year ago, it’s been a truly enriching anchor point in my day xx
Video: Stanford Graduate School of Business – “How to Live an Asymmetric Life,” Graham Weaver – https://youtu.be/dZxbVGhpEkI?si=Cla_XGBOh6Tp923W
Aoife – Thank you so much for the wonderful note and prompt for thinking. I need to sit with this question and get back to you!! I do think that Landon and I spend a lot of time talking and recognizing “patterns” and “signals” in our lives. Not so much on a spiritual note but — wow, our needs around x are changing, or we suddenly find we’re doing a lot of y (travel, spending money on certain things, spending time with certain people). We like to pluck on why that might be, and whether or not we’re entering a new phase, or leveling up in some way, etc. It’s a helpful way to pluck ourselves out from the flow of daily life to understand the bigger sweep.
I’ll keep thinking on this —
Thank you, friend.
xx
Aoife, returning to your words to live by!
My family often says “all hands on deck.” Which one, means we all pitch in. But two, we “match each other’s energy.” If someone has come in and is ready to clean the place, join in. If your sister is crying, don’t be trying to tell mom a joke, go give her a cuddle. If dad is still sleeping, pick something quieter to do. I say “look with your eyes” about a million times a day since I’m a mom of young kids, but noticing what’s needed is a skill. And we’ve borrowed Daniel Tiger’s “Try to solve the problem yourself and you’ll feel proud.” We’re trying to encourage but also model mistakes and problem solving and resilience. My husband and I tend to look 5 and 10 and 15 years out at what we want our lives and family culture to be, and use that to steer the ship of today in ways big and small. Right now, that means my husband is getting more involved in bedtime and reading to the kids, it means we’re starting traditions we hope to continue, it means we’re having a vegetable soup for supper during the weeknights (a change for autumn), it means we’re looking for places to help our siblings and our aging parents. Today he helped his mother bring her groceries home and I made soup for his sick sister. “This is the important stuff.” For me, all of my spirituality is found in other people, in the feeling of community with friends and strangers alike, in taking care of our city. To be the one keeping an extra eye on all the kids at the playground, not just mine, to wipe away graffiti or tidy litter, to offer directions or a bandaid. And that for me comes from Jane Jacobs and her concepts of public characters, the way being a person in a city’s life makes it safer for us all. I’m naturally a little timid and I’ve been making an effort to be more of a public character. More Daniel Tiger: “We take care of each other.”
My personal motto is cribbed from the Tamar Adler book An Everlasting Meal. “If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood, and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I am all about intrinsic motivation in its most poetic form.
Kelly, thank you for this insight! I read your comment twice, it really struck a chord with me. I love the concept of matching each other’s energy. Until this moment, I hadn’t identified this as a need in my household, I will be adopting this motto for my family! I have a five and two-year-old. Often, I find myself overwhelmed/overstimulated when my two-year-old is having a meltdown & my eldest does something to compete for attention. I snap at her and tell her to leave the room. She needs to learn how to “notice what is needed” in those moments. I cannot wait to begin a family discussion and will for sure look to Daniel Tiger for backup! Thank you! 🙂
Love the phrase “notice what is needed” too!! Beautiful. xx
Lovely as always, Kelly. I’m drawn to your observation about “the way being a person in a city’s life makes it safer for us all.” This can be carried out in those small acts of kindness and goodwill you mentioned but also, I think, in maybe a more woo-woo way, the energy you bring when you’re waiting at a stoplight or a queue in a store, or sitting on a bench in a park. Am I sending out something good or something distracted, something busy, something huffy? I can sometimes course correct when I do this scan. I think you can make a meaningful change in the day, in the local weather, in someone else’s afternoon this way.
xx
I keep thinking about this as well especially with the guiding line from you, Jen, of being conscious of the weather systems we generate + being the lowest heart rate in the room. My dad says this thing about how interpersonally we can always start with kindness but it’s really hard to 180 from a demanding, impatient, and cross to the kind one. I think that’s where I’m at now that I can smile and say hello even if it feels ridiculous or I’m cranky or I’m on edge about something. All of which to say, having that baseline of intentionality around who and how we’re being is an opportunity to generate that sense of safety for everyone including ourselves even if it’s just the good vibes rather than the cantankerous ones xx
Love this note, Aoife. Beautiful thoughts. You’ve put me in a great frame of mind for the day!!
xx
“It is OK to feel that you have been searching for something you can’t quite put your arms around,
each phase a phantom hug —”
these verses – oh wow did they speak to me this morning. love the imagery of a phantom hug; i can’t quite describe in words what it calls to mind but i think that is the beauty of good poetry. it is evocative in a way all its own.
Hi Molly – I’m so glad this resonated with you. I have tried to communicate these sentiments elsewhere, to various friends/colleagues, and the image was helpful to me, too, when it dawned on me. Thanks for this comment and for your continued encouragement of my writing! Very fortunate to have you here.
xx
Beautifully written sentiments – but mostly, I’m just heart-eyed over that William Morris wallpaper in the header image! We have WM throw pillows on our living room couch (the fabric took forever to arrive from the UK, but so worth it!) and I’m currently eying a few of the wallpaper prints for a potential (!!) office-to-nursery transformation.
Also, clicked on juuust about every linked item in the roundup – so many great picks, thank you! Particularly intrigued by that Oribe shampoo… I always teeter on the edge of purchasing an Oribe shampoo/conditioner set (esp. during Sephora sales!) but haven’t taken the plunge yet.
Isn’t it SPECTACULAR? It actually stopped me in my tracks. It was almost coincidental that I wrote something on the subject of wool — I knew I had to use the picture somehow and it’s a tenuous connection but…had to.
Oo I really encourage Oribe next time you can avail yourself of a sale!
xx
Jen, I love these thoughts, and I love the little lamb image even more! It really spoke to me with its spring atmosphere as I sit in the doldrums of mid-February, expecting yet another winter storm tomorrow. And when it spoke to me, it said I need to plan a visit to the Scottish boarders 😉 My family is predominantly Irish, but I feel a strong pull to visit Scotland instead. Maybe after reading Winter Solstice, Alexander McCall Smith, The Cafe by the Sea, etc, and watching Case Histories, I’m primed for Scotland. Anyway, thanks for reminding me that “spring is just around the corner” (a family catchphrase that my dad starts using right around the winter solstice, ha).
I love your dad’s encouraging refrain! It is! Isn’t the picture so evocative?! Those sweet lambs, the gorgeous interior design, the feeling of a space that is lived in and has been lived in for years? It stopped me in my tracks. I can’t imagine opening the door to that view! You’re making me have a deep wanderlust moment, too.
xx
Jen!! This post totally resonated, and immediately brought to mind Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. Have you heard her talk about how the world is divided into jackhammers and hummingbirds? The former focus on a singular passion their entire lives, heads down. The latter (us “hummingbirds” or wool-gatherers”) are described by Gilbert as bringing “an idea from here to over here, where you learn something else and you weave it in, then you take it here to the next thing you do.” She explains that hummingbirds keep “the entire culture aerated and mixed up and open to the new.” Gilbert’s perspective, and her explanation of how us hummingbirds enrich not only ourselves, but our communities, brings great comfort to this unequivocal hummingbird/wool-gatherer.
For those who haven’t read Big Magic, here are some savory tidbits I’ve kept in a note on my iPhone that I revisit when I start feeling angsty about my own squiggly path…
“I don’t yet know exactly what I am, but I’m curious enough to go find out. The life you’re negotiating to save is your own!”
“Follow your fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them.”
“You will have the satisfaction of knowing that you passed your entire existence in devotion to the noble human virtue of inquisitiveness.”
“Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you.”
Jen, I’m adding to my iPhone note your wise words that “It is OK to feel that you have been searching for something you can’t quite put your arms around, each phase a phantom hug.”
Hi Jacqueline – I so love and relate to these quotes. Another Magpie reader, Joyce, has turned me toward Gilbert’s writings a bunch of times and I always take away so much from what I hear about her. I think I have to read “Big Magic”! Thank you so much for sharing these. Should we rename Magpie as Hummingbird? Haha :).
xo
Fellow Hummingbird
Jacqueline! I love these notes, as Jen knew I would 🙂 I have the Big Magic audiobook downloaded on my phone and listen sometimes when I am in a creative slump. Thank you for sharing these! I find Gilbert’s perspective on creativity so incredibly refreshing and rejuvenating and appreciate the hummingbird reminder. I also appreciate this poem, Jen! It’s beautiful.
Thank you, Joyce! xx
Oh, goodness. I was having a bad morning (for no real reason!) and this was truly touching to read. “Wool-gathering” is such a wonderful image. “There is meaning-making in the tracks” is a good candidate for a new mantra or foot-hold for me. Thank you <3
P.S. Those OXO funnels went right into cart! My husband uses the cut-off tops of plastic bottles and this will be such a nice, easy upgrade for him 😉
I am so glad it arrived at the right moment! It feels kismet that this was dedicated to another lady named Susie, doesn’t it?!
Your husband will LOVE this simple upgrade!
xx
That was kismet at work, for sure!! xo
I love that idea for your playroom! For inspiration, I cannot get over the playroom Jeffrey Bilhuber designed for his son at their former country house: https://www.onekingslane.com/live-love-home/jeffrey-bilhuber-farmhouse-decor/
WOW – beyond fabulous. Thanks for sharing. I love the mix of different colors, textures, patterns, etc!