This morning, republishing an edited essay on dating my husband after a few Magpies and I exchanged messages and thoughts on dating our spouses on Instagram. How do you date your spouse? Is it calendared, ad hoc, etc? Any tips? Please share in the comments.
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Two years ago, a few days before Christmas, Mr. Magpie and I went out to dinner at The Dabney in D.C. It was the perfect pause from the holiday rush. We lingered over cocktails and Mid-Atlantic fare at the largely-empty bar, pleasantly marooned together for a few hours on a bitterly cold night. While there, I forgot that we were parents, responsible adults, business owners, employees. I forgot that we were anything but in love with each other.
I was reminded that night of a note I received from a Magpie several years ago, in which she wrote:
“Your relationship with Mr. Magpie is so tender and loving. Do you have a round up of relationship/marriage advice?”
In general, I feel wrong-footed offering advice on this front. First, even fourteen years in, I feel too green. Second, every relationship is idiosyncratic. And third, and I don’t write this to be coy or self-deprecating, but I think Mr. Magpie is the magic. He is patient, he is romantic, he cares about a lot of little things that (I have observed) many men do not, he is a noticer, he is an equal. I could go on and on, but I suspect that no one wants to hear all of the reasons I find my husband paranormal.
All that said, my take: 1) let him be himself, and love him for it — this means encouraging passions; stepping up to help with situations that are challenging for him; letting him surprise you with a changed mind, a new thought, a radical idea; 2) always assume the best of intentions; 3) date him.
This last suggestion feels the most tactical, so we’ll point the arrow there. Any time we go out, just the two of us, I remember Mr. Magpie at 20, at the start of everything, thick into the headiness of the befores. Can you remember the thrill of the beginning? The way you couldn’t wait to see him/her? The way your stomach would drop when he/she said something flirty, or wrote something sweet over AIM? Sometimes I write about the beginning of us, and I feel reborn. Going on a deliberately out-of-the-ordinary date — to lunch on a Tuesday somewhere adventurous, or for an 8 p.m. cocktail, when you’re usually curling up on the couch, at some ridiculous downtown bar, or to a controversial art exhibit — is the easiest way to unclip from “the everyday stuff” that can obscure or mute the magic of your relationship with your spouse.
A few finer-tipped suggestions: 1) Eat at the bar. We always have the most intimate conversations when sitting side by side, and there is something winningly low-key about the experience. Plus, you can usually get a last-minute seat, and often enjoy great service because the bartender can survey your meal progress more easily than a server. 2) Arrive separately. We aren’t able to do this as much anymore, but in NYC, it was easy to ask him to meet me at the bar around the corner after work. There is something romantic about appearing in the door decked out to meet your date. He hasn’t seen you primping in the mirror, swapping shoes, spritzing with perfume. He just sees you at your best. 3) Controversial, perhaps, but I love this: have him order for you, or vice versa. There is something about belonging to each other implicit in the act, and it’s an unexpected surprise. Variety is the spice of life. 4) Always have the date “start” in the morning — “I can’t wait for our date,” and “see you in a few hours,” and a real kiss.
Just after that trip to The Dabney a few years ago, I came across a quote from Matt Haig that summed it up perfectly:
“How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.”
Spending an evening with your loved one — really seeing him, really leaning into the conversation — is a surefire way to hit pause on everything that does not matter in order to take in what does.
Post-Scripts.
+3 a.m. parties with my husband have changed over the years.
+Marriage is an act of optimism.
+I won’t soon forget any detail about my husband when I first met him.
Shopping Break.
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+Updated my Shopbop hearts — obsessing over these Ugg slippers (almost have a boat shoe vibe? I still wear my sherpa Tazz slippers most days of the week!); this dramatic date night top; and these ribbed chocolate brown pants.
+I just heard that Dorsey has restocked its Lucien leverback earrings (a Magpie reader favorite, and one of my own, as well!) for the last time this year. If you have these in mind as a gift, now is the time! I love them so much. Personally, I think this is the chicest way to spend $210.
+A Magpie wrote to me with an impassioned “regrettably worth it” item last week — this Yves Durif vented brush. Color me intrigued! Who else is a fan?
+These Gap sweats have been very popular among Magpies the past two weeks. Just noticed they come in a chic espresso brown color — I think I need them.
+Make your man’s day by ordering him this waffle-knit crew or a fresh pair of lounge shorts (<<Mr. Magpie loves these).
+A look for less for the viral Skims tee.
+OK, I love this quilted plaid Barbour coat. The proportions, the collar, the tartan!
+Oo la, this embellished cocktail dress! Also love this pearl studded Zara dress — under $70.
+WOW Ann Mashburn nailed it with this marigold yellow wool coat.
+My daughter has been begging me for hoop earrings. Eyeing these for Christmas! I love this brand’s studs, too.
+I do not need another cropped blazer, I do not, I do not, I do not…!!!
