I won’t soon forget the way you first kissed me behind your boxy black Jeep Cherokee, our friends only a couple of paces away, wielding red solo cups and candy-colored polo shirts and the headiness of school’s-out-for-summer frivolity.
Or the way you sometimes furtively traced the letters ILY on the palm of my hand while we were driving down to Charlottesville, safe from the gaze of your buddies in the backseat.
Or the steel set of your jaw when you picked me up from that ill-advised fraternity formal when I was in the midst of breaking up with a college boyfriend, or the red dirt on your sweats from sliding into third base while playing softball with your buddies just prior, or the trace of sweat on the brim of your UVA baseball hat — reminders, all, that I had interrupted your evening with a Hail Mary and that you hadn’t minded a bit.
Or the way the sun played on the forearm you’d so casually lean out the window of your car as we whizzed around the shade-dappled coil of Rock Creek Parkway in the parochial wild of N.W. D.C. so many afternoons that first summer we were dating.
Or the way you’d sheepishly stand behind my parents’ kitchen island when you’d trek over to their home after getting off of a long shift waiting tables at Faccia Luna in Clarendon, as you were wearing all black server’s clothes, and they embarrassed you, but you preferred to hastily come to see me rather than stop quickly at home to change.
Or the way you’d drive all the way across town at 11 P.M. for just thirty minutes of time with me, even if you’d nearly fall asleep on the drive home.
Or the way you added “mtb” in small blue letters to your AIM profile, an acronym for “meant to be,” something we told each other optimistically about our relationship with one another at its very naissance and that has proved, as a matter of fact, to be incontrovertibly true.
Or the way you introduced me to country music with a mix CD — “JMN’s First Sticks Mix,” you wrote in thick black sharpie on its front —
And I was just walking home from Magnolia Bakery the other day when Tim McGraw’s “Watch the Wind Blow By” — the second track on that CD you burned — came on through my AirPods, and I walked around with my heart in my throat for three city blocks and then replayed the song, even though I am not a repeater —
Because that song is all bare feet and nowhere-to-be and too-deep-tans and your young, bright-eyed, handsome, twenty-year-old-face and let-time-stand-still and sweet nothings whispered into the cicada-song of a mid Atlantic summer night and I LOVE YOU traced into the palm of my hand and the honey and breeze of youth —
And we have come so far from that time together, from the bucolia of sticky-still summers in Charlottesville to the moving-too-fast, don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it thrum of urban life with two young children —
And though I wouldn’t trade where we are for anything and especially not a revisiting of the past ten years of hard work and heartbreak and often feeling as though I am not enough —
I won’t soon forget the way you were back then.
And I carry that you with me always, but occasionally and most tenderly in my Airpods, while walking briskly down Columbus Avenue, thinking — and I don’t give a damn how saccharine it is —
And all I want to do is let it be And be with you and watch the wind blow by And all I want to see is you and me Go on forever like the clear blue sky
I am usually fairly decisive when it comes to things like invitations and stationery (a full roundup of my favorite affordable stationery sources here), but I simply could not make up my mind on Hill’s birth announcements. I spent days poring over websites looking for inspiration, and when I finally came up with an idea I liked, I then took several weeks selecting a stationer whose work I liked (we had mini’s announcements done by Dinglewood Design and liked them, but wanted to try something new) and then nearly a full week reviewing and going back and forth with the stationer over various drafts, fretting over the color of envelope, font, color of ink, etc.
What is this?!
Maybe a function of my being a scattered mother to two? It feels alien.
But, I finally ordered a custom set from Sweetly Said Press (one of her beautiful designs shown above) and I have to say that the owner, Vanessa, was a gem to work with. I’ll share the final result when they are shipped, but I’m very excited about them.
As with mini’s birth announcement, I had a simple letterpress card drawn up without a photo embedded in it (I don’t know why, but I find a simple, text-centric card so elegant), but am enclosing beautiful matte prints from Artifact Uprising.
Next up: picking a Baptismal outfit for my little man. We have an heirloom Baptismal gown he’ll wear for the sacrament itself (scheduled for late September), but I’ll need something for the celebration after.
I recently revisited this post and I think it’s an important re-read, no matter what you’re facing — career challenges, relationship woes, infertility, a general nagging feeling of uncertainty or discontent.
I wrote about this on the eve of my 35th birthday, but my mid-30s have brought with them “the snuggly feeling of belonging and attachment and safety and all-is-right-with-the-world…a feeling of respite after what feels like a decade of movement and undulation and uncertainty.”
It took me years of heartache and stress to get here, and I never want to take it for granted. But if you’re in riding out the throes of personal evolution, feeling down about yourself or aching for The Next Thing in your life, consider re-reading my post occasionally. Let the thought that you are enough sit down the row from you until you feel comfortable with it cozying up against you.
+Ordering these for an upcoming trip — I hated having full-size bottles of baby shampoo and lotion on our last trip but didn’t get around to decanting them into smaller bottles or finding mini versions. I like that these ones come in a range of colors so you can find what you’re looking for easily/at a glance.
+Still some really good finds in the Janie + Jack sale section, like these seersucker trunks for boys for $12!
By: Jen Shoop
Q: I was hoping to ask for your thoughts on where I might be able to find Flower Girl dresses. I’m getting married next May (in a church ceremony followed by a black-tie reception under a tent) and am coming up short! Our flower girls will be three and four next year — I’ve perused Feltman Brothers and love some of their styles, but it looks like their largest size is 4T and I’m worried about needing some wiggle room, size-wise. What I truly adore are the beautiful Pepa & Co. dresses, especially the white ones with silk sashes, but I have to believe that it’s not necessary to spend ~$350 on a flower girl’s dress…!
A: I love those Pepa and Co dresses, too, but agree that the pricepoint is insane. Here are some other options:
+These similar ones from Fifi and Finn (seen above). Still spend-y but more reasonable.
+These ones from Daniel + Sofia. (Note that prices are in AUD, not USD.) am pretty sure you could also reach out and ask for something custom since I think most of their pieces are made to order anyway. They do a lot of elegant, traditional dresses that I swoon over.
+Finally, La Coqueta is one of my absolute favorite brands for children, and they’re having a big sale — check out their special occasion section!
Q: I’m moving from DC back to my home state of Alabama, so I’m on the job hunt. Are you a fan of informational interviews? How would you set them up with friends of friends or friends of family friends?
A: Hi! Sending you best wishes on your job search — I know how stressful that can be. I’m torn on this question. To be honest, I feel I wasted a lot of time in “informational interviews” with people when I was job hunting, but that was probably a function of my demure personality and my uncertainty about what I ultimately wanted to do. On the flip side, when people have asked me for informational interviews, I have often wanted to ask: “Let’s speak frankly — are you asking for a job? An introduction to someone I know? A letter of reference? Do you want me to circulate your resume to a few people? Give you the inside track on jobs at my company? Or are you genuinely curious about how to break into this industry and what it’s like working here?”
So I guess my advice would be to think carefully about your objective and be as frank as possible when asking for help. Just make it as easy as possible for them to get it done, i.e., if they say they will make an intro, pass along a brief blurb for them to use on you and your background.
But if you aren’t sure where you want to land or what you aim to get out of the conversation, I’d hold off until you have a firmer grasp to make the most of everyone’s time.
Q: How do you work around your daughter? Or do you only work when the nanny or husband is there? Asking as a fellow working mom with a toddler who demands my attention!
A: I hear you! This is an easy one: I do not and cannot work when I am watching the children by myself. I’m reminded of my very first appointment with mini’s pediatrician, when she was only a few days old. The doctor asked: “And who will be looking after Emory? Daycare? Nanny? One of you?” And I said: “Oh, well, I work from home and have a flexible schedule.” She replied, not unkindly: “Looking after a child is a full-time job.” And so we found a nanny.
Q:What should I wear to a black tie wedding while pregnant?
A: That is a tall order! Maternity-friendly evening wear is hard to come by. I’d check out ASOS and Zara for pieces that are inexpensive and fashion-forward — I like this, worn with high heels, an updo, and big earrings (I know the length is not “black tie,” but you get a little more flexibility with the rules when pregnant), and this is fun and could work with a bump. For something a little more playful, check out this or this, whose shapes are very high-fashion and bump-friendly. If you’re in the mood to splurge, this dress is EPIC and would work with or without a bump. Hatch always has a decent selection of styles, although I feel like they are best suited for taller women — I’d have looked swallowed-up in a lot of their pieces (and they run really big, FYI). I love this and this.
Finally, a lot of LoveShackFancy styles work with a smaller bump; I wore one to Christmas when I was almost five months pregnant. I love this one.
Q: What are your pantry staples?
A: Afeltra dried pasta in a range of shapes; canned San Marzano tomatoes (we like this brand); Royal basmati rice; Barbara’s Bakery Peanut Butter Puffins cereal; Justin’s Peanut Butter; Bonne Maman Jams; crackers (I love mini saltines and Firehook Bakery ones with fancy cheese); goldfish, Annie’s bunnies snacks/grahams, and freeze-dried fruit for mini; granola bars; Petit Ecolier and/or Quadratini cookies; and — much to Mr. Magpie’s chagrin, as he is not a snacker but will indulge when they are around — always some special “junk” food for emergencies. My indulgences: Cheetohs, spicy Cheez-its, and salt and vinegar chips.
Q: What’s your approach to discipline and toddler meltdowns? [Ed. note: I received a number of questions along these lines, and am responding to them all at once here.]
A: I am so flattered you’d ask my opinion! I do not consider myself an expert or even well-informed; I tend to follow my gut in all things parenting-related, so certainly take my perspective with a grain of salt.
In general, following an adage of my grandmother’s, we try to say “yes” as often as possible so that when we say “no,” mini knows we mean it. This means I’ve had to be very thoughtful about our rules, i.e., do I really need to tell her “no” when she’s emptying her toy bin on the ground even though the mess is driving me nuts? Or standing up on the couch? Or speaking really loudly but sweetly in micro’s face while he’s attempting to sleep? In general, I try to explain why it’d be best to do something differently or distract her/focus her attention on something else rather than tell her to stop doing something. I’m surprised at how well it works, and how nicely it prevents that particular issue from becoming a boundary-testing source of contention (i.e., “Oh, mom told me not to do this, so let me try THIS variation or see if she notices THIS.”)
At any rate, when we do tell her “no” and she ignores us or any time she gets physical (hits or kicks), she goes into time-out for a minute. We explain why when placing her in time-out and then again when taking her out of it, give her a hug, and tell her we love her. Occasionally, we find ourselves in “time out ping pong”: she does something she shouldn’t, we place her in time out, she emerges and does the exact same thing, we place her back in time out, etc. We are trying our best to be consistent about disciplining the same way each time, no matter how long it takes, so she comprehends the boundary. Most of the time, though, one “time out “is enough of a shock to the system that she’ll snap out of it.
For toddler meltdowns — ugh. These are rough. I feel like they fall into one of two categories: either she isn’t getting her way or she’s frustrated by something she can’t express (which often coincides with exhaustion). If it’s the former, I tend to calmly repeat my position (“no, you can’t have a third cookie today, but you can have a piece of fruit”) a handful of times to make sure she understands I’m not changing tack, and then ignore her. If it’s the latter — and I feel like this will be controversial to say since I have a hunch that a lot of parenting books advance the opposite (?) — I have found that I prolong meltdowns by trying to engage with her and puzzle out what’s wrong, i.e., asking her what she wants, presenting her with different distractions, running through options of what we can do, etc. Whenever I’ve gone this route, I end up in a thirty minute long whine/screech session with no result. Instead, I have found that the best thing to do is to silently go through a mental checklist of common problems — could she be hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired, uncomfortable, in pain, feverish? — and address any that might be bothering her and then essentially ignore her and go about my household duties/tasks until she settles down or offers up something that she needs/wants, occasionally pausing to ask her, in as soothing and composed a voice as I can manage: “How’s it going? Are you ready to color with me yet?”.
If things get really dicey, I can almost always snap her out of a funk by way of distraction, often through physical comedy (i.e., pretending to run into a wall), but I try to avoid that strategy unless absolutely necessary (i.e., we are in Church or I just need her to get into the damn stroller!).
I will say that any time she has a particularly bad meltdown, I think back later and realize that it almost always coincides with exhaustion, hunger, or transitions. I’m not sure if this is specific to Emory or more generally applicable to toddlers, but she has a tough time with transitioning from one activity to another, moving from playtime to naptime, moving from indoor activities to going outside to do something, going from getting into jammies to brushing her teeth, etc. Transitions! Tough for her — even small ones. Knowing this has helped me prevent them or at least accept/understand why they are happening, and has taught me to move swiftly through our routines to prevent the straggling and lollygagging that eventually blows up in my face by presenting her with too many opportunities to resist or melt down.
Q: I’m going to a wedding next month — cocktail attire, half indoor and half outdoor. Any RTR suggestions?
Yes! My favorites:
+I actually own this Saloni in red, and it is super flattering and elegant (love the length) and in a heavy-weight, formal-leaning fabric. Super chic with nude Alexandre Birman sandals.
Q: What are your favorite bargain buy clothes for kiddos?
A: My biggest tip is to wait for end-of-season sales/flash sales on higher end clothing and stock up then. I usually follow my favorite childrenswear retailers on Instagram and pounce whenever they run flash sales or release promo codes — check out DuckDuckGoose, Loozieloo, BornBoutique, CPC Kids, and BusyBeesKids, to name a few. But, of course, even with discounts, a lot of those labels can be spend-y. My favorite affordable sources:
+Gap (I like their frilly blouses — like this — paired with white or navy leggings, and I always find chic little dresses and overalls each season);
+Ralph Lauren’s sale section (always full of insane deals — these polos are currently under $10!);
+Charming Mary (love tops like this, paired with leggings) and Les Gamins (love their pinafores and overalls) have cute pieces that aren’t exactly “bargain” but are much less expensive than you’ll find in other boutiques with similar styles;
A: We spend a lot of time “cooking food” using inexpensive plastic food sets — mini loves to take my order, set the table, feed her dolls, etc. and miming real life with her Fisher Price dollhouse and dolls. I love both of these because they promote imaginative play and also give me a funny glimpse into how she sees the world. We spend hours acting out various scenarios. I also feel that these specific toys have taught her how to play by herself; she gravitates towards them any time she’s awake. I will often listen in on her having one doll tell another to “sit down on the toilet” or beseech another to “not push!”
I have also been surprised at how much she has loved her counting bears and her stack and sort toy. She uses them both as they were intended as well as according to her own creative devices — for example, the wooden pieces on her stack and sort toy are often pieces of food she arranges (“tomatoes, cheese, grapes”) and she likes to use the wooden pegs on which they are meant to hang as if they are birthday candles. The counting bears are characters in her dollhouse — or sometimes, just fun to line up in rows or place in the appropriate muffin liner.
Now that she’s a little older, we do a lot of fort-building using pillows and blankets, play dress up, bake together (a total mess, but she loves it — even easy things, using box mixes), and paint using watercolors. I’ve also found she really enjoys being given household tasks, like setting the table, “folding laundry,” sweeping the floor using her broom/mop, picking out a diaper for her brother while I am changing him, placing muffin liners into muffin tins when I am making muffins, etc. Finally, I took a bunch of old gift cards and loyalty cards and put them in an expensive card case and she absolutely LOVES to remove all the cards, “swipe them” (i.e., jam them into the crack of our drop-leaf table), and put them back in the card holder. It’s funny how the most mundane, everyday objects in my life are magical to her.
But my favorite thing? Take her to the playground and let her run, or use sidewalk chalk, or prance through the sprinklers/splash pads that are at nearly every public playground in Central Park. I love watching her, encouraging her, letting her run around, especially since we have such limited play space at home.
Q: What are your tips for organization and closet clean outs?
A: I shared some of my thoughts on home organization and favorite organizational products here, inspired (like everyone else) by Marie Kondo, and — late last year — some additional musings here. Two over-arching thoughts:
To get and stay organized, you need to buy the right tools. I find it borderline impossible to keep things tidy if I don’t have the right containers, dividers, bins, etc. I’ve found myself so much more orderly ever since I invested in, for example, these clear drawer organizers that now line every drawer and cabinet in our home. The same goes for things like my diaper bag — having a separate pouch for each child, a slot for the bottle, a special pouch for my own stuff, makes it so, so much easier to get what I need.
Try not to tackle too much at once, or it’s overwhelming and discouraging. Especially late in my pregnancy, I tried to tackle one household task a day, whether that was organizing mini’s dresser in order to donate too-small clothes and make space for in-season ones, mopping the floor of the bathroom, organizing our snack cabinet, cleaning out the fridge, etc. If I tried to tackle more than one of those things a day, I’d be exhausted, frustrated by my progress, and burnt out. Instead, my M.O. has been to make a long list of all the things I want to tackle (i.e., “linen closet,” “medicine cabinet in master bedroom,” etc.) and then address them one at a time.
Q: What 3 books have you been meaning to read but not gotten around to yet?
A: Great question. Home Fire, which I feel like I’ve been saying I would read next for the last year straight. It’s supposed to be excellent, but the premise is vaguely repellent to me for some reason — I can’t figure out why, but whenever I approach it, I just don’t feel like it. Melinda Gates’ The Moment of Lift has been recommended to me by at least half a dozen people, but I keep putting it off in favor of fiction. And — A Little Life, which several trusted reader friends of mine have said is among the best books they’ve read in recent memory, but is also supposed to be horribly disturbing and upsetting. Saving it for a time in my life when I’m better emotionally equipped and not horribly sleep deprived…
I wrote not long ago about my increasing competence at multitasking as a mother of two (and, come to think of it, a corollary relinquishing of my ability to focus). One key learning has been how to remain as hands-free as possible while juggling two little ones, as there is always someone or something needing both of my hands at any given moment. And beyond that — I am straining to live in the moment and enjoy this time with my two little ones. When I’m simultaneously hanging onto a bag or phone, it’s hard to be fully present. (In other words, I’m giving slow parenting a shot.)
Below, my favorite finds for hands-free parenting:
+This phone holder, which I strap to my stroller hand-bar. Makes it so much easier to see who’s calling or navigate Google Maps without needing to fumble with a phone.
+Airpods. These are life-changing. To be honest, I feel awkward wearing them while running errands — it feels so rude speaking to other people with them in, even if nothing is playing on them, and even offputting to have them in while others are around, as if it’s a signal to “leave me the hell alone,” so I will take them out as soon as I enter a store — but when I’m walking Tilly through Central Park or en route to the playground or zipping around between stores, these are in. Makes it so much easier to place and answer calls during an otherwise “dead” time in my day. I love the Siri function on these. “Hey Siri, call my mom,” I say as I walk briskly with one hand on the stroller and the other tightly wrapped around Tilly’s leash. Magic. When I’m going for a long (likely sweaty) exercise walk or run, I use these Plantronics earbuds instead — they are water and sweat resistant, will not fall out, and — most importantly — Mr. Magpie won’t yell at me when I get home. (“DON’T WEAR YOUR AIRPODS WHEN WORKING OUT!”)
+State Bags beltbag. I bought this exact one — currently 60% off and in the most fun shade of lipstick pink! — and am in love with it. It’s the perfect size for carrying my phone, Airpods case, card case, and key. I use this principally when I’m walking Tilly or taking the kids to the splash pad / playground by myself and want to keep my essentials close by.
+Think King stroller hooks. These are fantastic. I use them for obvious things, like my diaper bag and grocery bags, but I also like them for hanging my Klean Kanteen when I’m walking through CP on a hot day. Speaking of —
+My Klean Kanteen. Have sung its praises dozens of times, but I love the sports nozzle on this water bottle. It’s a delight to drink out of and the best for moms with only one free hand (no lid to unscrew)!
+Apple Watch. I have actually been using this quite a bit as I slowly ease back into a fitness routine after scarcely using it (and scarcely exercising) for two years. I use it so I can track all my walks/strolls as well as the runs I’ve finally started taking (!) easily and visibly, even though my iPhone tracks how far I’ve walked in a day, which is the primary metric I’m attending to right now. This motivates me to pick up my pace and reminds me to keep moving throughout the day. I bought a new inexpensive band in the rose pink hue and — what is it about a new accessory that makes exercising more fun? (Also, the band is quite good despite its price tag!)
+MZ Wallace backpack. I’ve written about this extensively in the past, but I love this backpack so much. It’s extremely lightweight and well-designed for an on-the-go mom thanks to the two drink/bottle holders on the sides and the small pocket on the exterior to keep things like snacks, Purell, my subway farecard, and my key easy to reach. (I keep all other essentials — importantly, my wallet — buried in the interior zippered pocket. It would be SO easy for a shady person to steal something from a preoccupied mom’s backpack on the subway!) Trust me when I say that backpacks are the way to go when navigating the subway with children, when you’re never quite sure whether you’ll need to carry a stroller up and down steps, as elevators are routinely out of service and/or no where to be found.
+Zojirushi coffee mug. I love my chic Byta tumbler for home drinking (especially cold beverages — it keeps drinks SHOCKINGLY cold, as in ice cubes will still be fully intact hours later), but I was disheartened to discover it is not dishwasher-friendly (ughhhh) and it does not have a sealed lid, so you can’t toss it in a bag. The Zojirushi does not spill and keeps liquids hot. Love it. I will say that though we toss ours in the dishwasher, the colored exterior eventually flaked off due to hundreds of washings. I might just get it in the plain stainless steel if I were to do it again.
+Invisibobbles. I have been wearing more top knots than I care to admit these days, and these hair ties keep my hair up and out of my face without ever breaking my hair. (Bonus: mini loves using them as bracelets, so they can be a toddler toy in a pinch.)
Separately, when I solicited inquiries for my upcoming Magpie Mail post the other day, I got a few requests to share more of my daily outfits when caring for two small children. I have been wearing a lot of the same thing over and over again because my clothing requirements are rather stringent right now: must be nursing-friendly, must be postpartum-figure-friendly (i.e., loose), must be appropriate for the intense heat we’ve had, must not be too precious. I have been getting a ton of wear out of:
+a denim shirtdress from J. Crew (I like to throw one of my Hermes scarves around my shoulders with it);
I love these easy-to-wear, versatile dresses because I can wear many of them with Supergas or Hermes Orans (really love these to get the look for less — but without looking like a copycat) for a casual look or pointed toe flats for something a little dressier. (With the exception of the caftan, which would look weird with pointed toe flats…)
On mornings where I’m going to be getting dirty at the playground, I wear my Align leggings with my APLs (on serious sale in certain colors here) or Birks.
“We’ll send you a shopping list in August,” they said, and I instantly recalled idling in the pen aisle of the Staples on Connecticut Avenue, balancing stacks of marbled composition books with a bottle of Elmer’s glue and a packet of jelly roll pens, beseeching my mother to buy me new everything even though we had more than enough markers and crayons and folders at home, some of them tattered or dried up, but most of them perfectly functional. While she tended to be stringent with entreaties for excess during her bi-weekly grocery runs, my mother was often pliable during these back-to-school visits, an observation I greedily exploited. I never knew whether it was because she wanted to support anything ancillary to education, or because she was haunted by the memory of shoe shopping with her own mother that she has shared countless times in our life together — the one in which she wanted a pair of high heels so desperately that she anxiously asserted that a pair of too-small shoes fit because they had an inch-high heel she felt her mother had not noticed. That is to say: she understood too well the desire to “fit in” by buying the right things — to the extent that she would endure physical pain in pursuit of their acquisition.
But, so — a school shopping list? For my two year old?
I wonder what will be on it?
Probably practical things like spare underwear and a water bottle, marked with her name. A sweater for unexpectedly cool days?
But part of me hopes that it will include a box of sharpened crayons, a glue stick, one of those big pink erasers you never actually use to completion. Things that are way too advanced for my daughter but that make me deeply, painfully nostalgic for my childhood, for the excitement of covering my textbooks with brown paper (who else did this?) and decorating their covers with Mr. Sketch markers, of gingerly placing my newly-sharpened pencils and fresh-out-the-box thin-tipped markers into my pencil box, of organizing sheets of paper into Lisa Frank folders, of laying everything out the night before school in my Jansport in wild anticipation of the social experiment that is school.
Until we find out what is, in fact, on the list, though — I have already been dog-earing and occasionally ordering back-to-school items for mini. Below, some amazing finds:
P.P.S. I have been thinking, in anticipation of all possible permutations of mini’s adjustment to school, that I might gift her a special bracelet the day before she heads off along with a little pep talk that lets her know that the bracelet is just a reminder of how much I love her.
Quick PSA to let you know that Lake Pajamas is running one of its rare sales right now. I have been absolutely living in a pair of their maternity (nursing-friendly) jammies (now on sale!) and they are made of the softest, most beautiful Pima cotton. Kind of like Kissy Kissy jammies for adults!
My beloved SZ Blockprints is offering 25% off its spring and summer collection! I think it’s time for me to pull the trigger on this, and — if you don’t own one of their Kitty caftans, jump on it!
It can be easy to lose a sense of perspective these days. I’m either dialed in on the nitty gritty of newborn care (“But what is this rash? At what point do I start to worry? When do I call in the big guns — my mother and my pediatrician — for their perspective? A few hours from now? A day from now? Two?”; “Did he poop yesterday?”; and “Wow — he might need an extra ounce of formula!”) or lost in its footslog, and an entire day can pass me by without much introspection or thought. I stumbled across this poem by Mary Jean Irion the other day and it stopped me dead in my tracks:
Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure that you are. let me learn from you, love you, bless you before we depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. let me hold you while I may, for it may not be always so. one day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself tart, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
Oof.
A heady reminder to lift myself from the particulars and smile at them. Or, when I’m too tired to smile, at least nod my head at them.
I sat in my shadowed bedroom this morning at 6:32 a.m., the curtains still drawn in an effort to prolong micro’s sleepy start to the day, and though my aching arms wanted desperately to place him in his bassinet in order to steal an extra ten or fifteen minutes of sleep before mini roused in the nursery next door, I sat there and took in the now-memorized sounds of Mr. Magpie’s morning routine: the muted roar of the shower in the bathroom, its abrupt cessation just ten seconds before the “clang” sound the shower door makes as it closes, the occasional whistling or throat clearing that punctuates his skincare regimen. The jostle of Tilly’s tags and collar when she hears Mr. Magpie returning to the bedroom, as she knows it’s nearly time for her morning walk. Her slow stretch, the lethargic wag of her tail. The squirm of micro in my arms, his grunts and moans as I burp him. The swaddling of his little form — so customary now I barely register its motions. One arm down, one corner of the swaddle tucked under his back. Then the other side. Then pull the bottom up over his legs, smooth everything down, tuck the corners in.
“How’s it going?” — nearly always the first thing Mr. Magpie says to me as he enters the bedroom, after he assesses my alertness. (I am occasionally sitting upright, but in a state of fitful sleep, micro in the crook of my arm or on my shoulder.) A brief and courteous chat about micro’s sleep pattern the night prior, followed by a shared moment of commiseration or excitement, which promptly dissolves into the march of the morning, forgotten.
Minutes later: the smell of coffee wafting through the apartment. Snippets of Mr. Magpie’s conversations with mini captured over the monitor: “Did you have a good sleep?…happened to your bunny?…out the…oh no! out the crib!…yes, baby brother…sleep…so silly…mommy’s still asleep…”
The thud of mini’s feet on the parquet floors. The clang of dishes, the open and close of the fridge.
In the wake of reading Irion’s poem, I saw these details for what they were: the ho-hum, unremarkable — and yet tender, worn-in-at-the-seams ministrations of motherhood and marriage.
+Beginning to imagine what micro’s nursery will look like in our new apartment, which we’ve not yet found, but still. I love this simple and affordable blue-and-white striped rug, or maybe the sand-and-white striped one? Not sure I want the nursery to look too “little boy blue.” Or do I.
+Speaking of toile, received this heavily discounted backpack (more sale finds here) and love it so much — but am thinking of actually giving it to mini for school this fall! It’s a little too small to carry my motherhood necessities.
I’ve mentioned this several times this week (sorry), but I am loving these inexpensive ($29! free shipping!) waterproof Birks for traipsing around Central Park and its various splash pads with mini and micro this summer, whether wearing an airy caftan or athletic gear. I had been wearing much more expensive sandals (including, often, my buttery-soft Hermes Orans) and awkwardly dancing around puddles of water or — worse — stomping right through them, putting my shoes at risk for permanent destruction. I bought the coral, which looks more like a neon pink (seen above), though I hemmed and hawed over the stark white. Very happy with this purchase. WTTW: these are made of a very lightweight foam material, so I’m skeptical of longevity, but for the needs I have right now — perfect.
Mr. Magpie and I often talk about our future selves. Not in some kind of identity evolution sense, but in the context of tackling things now — even itty bitty ones — that will make our “future selves” happy. For example, I noticed that Mr. Magpie will often run the dishwasher just after we’ve finished dinner and cleaned the kitchen instead of right before bed, as he used to. This way, he has time to empty the dishwasher before bed instead of first thing in the morning — as our mornings are suddenly hyper-busy and stacked with chores we need to get done before he gets out the door.
I’ve found myself in a similar frame of mind. What can I do right now that will make “future me’s” life a little easier? A little happier? And so I’ve started to pack mini’s lunch the night before so it’s one less thing to do amidst the fracas of our morning routine. And when I think micro is coming up on a feeding, I’ll pre-mix his formula bottle, arrange all my nursing necessities on the couch, and make sure things I don’t want mini or Tilly to get into while I’m less mobile are put away. I’ve ordered little things that make future me’s road a little easier: a second formula dispenser that I can permanently keep in my diaper bag so I’m not constantly shuttling one between my bedroom, the kitchen, and my diaper bag; a longer charging cable for my bedside so I don’t need to unplug my phone one-handed while nursing in order to comfortably navigate it from my bed; enough bottles so that I’m never left hand-washing one at the last minute. I’ve more closely monitored the rate of our consumption of household products so that I can add them to my Amazon Subscribe & Save account and things show up at the right time, on the right cadence, without adding to my mental load. Even things like my nightly glass of wine: I’ll often defer it so I can enjoy it alongside Mr. Magpie after the babies are down to maximize enjoyment, even though I am ready for it by 5 P.M. sharp.
It’s a funny and gracious mental framework, if you think about it: what little kindnesses can I afford myself a few hours from now? How can I be most generous to future me, who might be harried or exhausted or in need of a little pick me up?
Try it — I think your future self will thank you.
Post-Scripts: John Johns for Next Summer.
+I just stocked up on rompers/shortalls/john-johns for mini for next summer at Maisonette’s sale — bought him several pairs from Busy Bee Kids, like this one.
One of the most common questions I receive from readers is — “What do I buy for my husband/boyfriend/father for a birthday/anniversary/Christmas/etc?” Today, I thought I’d round up some of the best gifts I’ve ever given Mr. Magpie. They range in price from around $20 to nearly $1000. I rank each product highly because they are well-used and well-loved by Mr. Magpie, they are thoroughly vetted/researched, and because I’ve recommended their purchase to many, many friends, family members, and readers — and have heard nary a negative response yet. Note that I’ve featured many of these products across my blogposts in the past, but here is a consolidated list!
+Filson Briefcase. Mr. Magpie uses this daily. I love that it walks the line between sporty/masculine (i.e., doesn’t it kind of look like something from Orvis, but nicer?) and refined/sophisticated. Appropriate whether your man works in a buttoned-up office or a casual co-working space, and accommodates a range of different fashion styles.
+Memory Foam Bedpillows. These have insane reviews — and for good reason. I upgraded our bedroom pillows to these and they’ve entirely changed the game for us. (And we’re now annoyingly judge-y about pillows when we travel!) They literally never turn hot; you’re always on “the cool side of the pillow.” They’re also beautifully supportive and comfortable, and you can adjust the fill level easily by yourself depending on how firm/soft you prefer your surface. Trust me when I say any sleep-loving man will geek out over these.
+Prosource Accupressure Mat. A great gift for a stressed and overburdened loved one. Mr. Magpie was obsessed with this for months on end during a particularly intense period in our lives, and this brought him little pockets of peace and relaxation.
+Patagonia Baggies Shorts. These are technically swim trunks but can also be used for lots of outdoor activities, i.e., gardening, hiking, etc. Super comfortable and breathable and come in great colors. Mr. Magpie has been wearing his constantly this summer.
+Stubbs and Wootton Tuxedo Slippers. If you and your man tend to go all out for black tie festivities, a pair of these will up the ante. Not for the fashion faint of heart, but whenever Mr. Magpie wears these, he earns dozens of compliments.
+If your man is a budding gourmand (i.e., cook with training wheels), Mr. Magpie and I often suggest Steve Raichlan’s How to Grill, which essentially taught Mr. Magpie how to grill and is full of foolproof, non-fussy, delicious recipes, along with grill tongs and a basting pot with brush.
+Weber Kettle Grill. Related to the above: there’s nothing like the classic. (Mr. Magpie is a purist when it comes to grills — he prefers charcoal to gas.)
+A vintage watch. I bought Mr. Magpie a beautiful alligator strap Montblanc watch from The Real Real similar to this one for one of our anniversaries and it’s now his “dress watch” and he loves it.
+Marmot Precip Jacket. A great all-purpose windbreaker/rain jacket that actually keeps you dry and includes side vents for warm weather. Can essentially be worn most of the year (until it’s really cold) and for a range of purposes: as a light layer when hiking, as a rain/wind repellent when inclement or windy, etc. Comfortable, breathable, and highly packable (folds up really small). I also own one.
+Apple Airpods. I feel like everyone already owns a pair of these, but they are simply fantastic. Beautifully designed, comfortable to wear, and highly functional — I wear them every day on my walks with Tilly/while out running errands.
+Pocketknife. Every man needs one, and this one is particularly beautiful. I bought my brother one of these from this store and he loves it.
+A framed matchbox from a beloved restaurant. Would be super cool if you have a special memory with your man at one of these places, or offer to take him to the actual restaurant as a part of the gift. What a cool keepsake to position on a bookshelf or gallery wall after!
+A Zojirushi coffee thermos. The actual best. Keeps coffee piping hot for hours and does.not.leak. Also stands up to the test of time: we’ve had ours for nearly a decade with nary a problem.
+Sonos speaker system. We had this installed throughout our home in Chicago and oh man did we love it. I think the key differentiator with Sonos is that their software/app is as beautifully designed as the actual speaker hardware — so you have high quality sound and an easy-to-control system. We could even have guests help us create a playlist! So fun.
+Nest thermostat and Hue lightbulbs for the smart home enthusiast. Both are well designed and easy to use and I’ve already written extensively about both.
+Poncho fly fishing shirt. I gave this beautifully, thoughtfully designed fishing shirt to my father for Christmas and it’s probably the first (and last) time I’ve ever seen him get excited about a gift. Maybe throw in some Orvis dry flies — they tend to go over well with the men in my house.
+Plantronics wireless bluetooth earbuds. If he exercises regularly, he’ll need (and love) these, even if he owns a set of Airpods. These are waterproof, sturdy, and will never fall out.
+Davek mini umbrella. Great gift for a traveler or someone who walks to work frequently and thus confronts inclement weather on the regular. This umbrella is excellently made and surprisingly sturdy for its size — but small and lightweight enough to keep in his Filson briefcase.
You know how when you are interviewing for a job, the interviewer often asks the generic trap-door question “What is your greatest weakness?” And you are meant to actually provide a “streakness” — a strength couched as a weakness?
“I’m too detail-oriented,” you trot out, with a look of benign concern.
“I care too much,” you sigh, earnestly.
(Ugh.)
I’ve been thinking about a streakness of mine a lot lately, though — one that is authentic rather than manufactured to optimize my chances at job procurement. And one that has been giving me trouble of late. Focus. I have incredible focus. I’ve known this since I was about thirteen, when I first discovered not only my capacity but my aptitude for studying for long stretches of time in an effort to memorize every minute detail of say, the timeline of the French Revolution, or the vocabulary list handed down to me by my freshman year English teacher (“apostrophe,” “litotes,” “sonnet” will forever be etched into my memory) the night before an exam. I remember classmates marveling over my seemingly uncanny ability to memorize everything, and my parents proudly tut-tutting over my scholarly commitment, but it always felt natural — even enjoyable — to me.
In more recent years, especially while we were running a business together, Mr. Magpie has often commented on my “laser-like focus” — the way I can burrow into a task to the exclusion of all else — and sometimes with the slightest hint of reproach, as I can be difficult to interrupt when I am in The Zone. This is particularly true when I am writing: don’t come a-knocking. (Sorry, Mr. Magpie.) You see, I find it jarring to snap into and out of The Creative Space. I am either all in, fingers flying across the keyboard, or I am not. It kind of feels like “clipping in” to a bike. I’m either strapped in, cycling wildly as I coast down an incline, hair streaming in the wind, and you haven’t the faintest of chances of catching up to me — or I am not. There are two modes, on and off, and no in-between.
But parenthood has disarmed my skill, transforming it into something unseemly and inconvenient. There simply aren’t enough long stretches of time to “clip in” anymore, and if I do by chance find myself in a groove, I’m only frustrated by interruptions, no matter how worthy and necessary they are.
And so I see I’ve been nurturing a serious streakness all my life, one that is, it turns out, conducive to writing and ill-disposed to parenthood. How unfortunate, in a sense, that this attribute of mine makes balancing two of my chief roles in life — mother and writer — a rocky proposition. Professionally powerful but personally painful.
Instead of sending myself into a daily tailspin attempting to reconcile the two, I’ve been coaching myself to adapt. I’ve been attempting to direct and curtail my intensity of focus into little burrows of time that I carve out for myself throughout the day. Whereas I used to love a long path and a clear desk and an empty agenda to accommodate four or five hours of unfettered writing, I now spend more time strategizing about my writing and fitting it into small pockets of time. If I feel compelled to write and know that micro will need feeding or mini will need bathing in ten or twenty minutes, I’ll often force myself to jot down the bones of what I would like to write along with any intact phrases tumbling through my mind (expressions and turns of phrase tend to arrive fully-formed just before I sit down to write, and I pluck them out of the ether and arrange them in my prose rather like a pastry chef studding a cake with rosettes) instead of permitting myself to sit down and write, long-form, the way I’d like to.
I find that this makes for a happier “me” in the long run, or a less frustrated one anyhow.
And it also makes me grateful for the little burrows I do have to myself, those small parcels of unclaimed time where I can let my thoughts roam free and lose myself for a few minutes in writing about something that’s heavy on my heart or elusively skittering through my mind, just waiting to be pinned down by the pen (er, keyboard).
I write to know what I think.
So today I’m grateful for those little pockets for keeping me clear-headed, even though it’s taking me time to reconstruct my writing process to accommodate them.
+The verdict is in: LOVE these $30 water-friendly slides (I snagged them in the coral, which is a fantastic neon color). They are much lighter-weight than I expected (sort of a foam material?) but perfection for traipsing around the splash pads with mini. I’m keeping mine in the basket of the stroller!
+Mini’s school does not permit peanuts/peanut butter and DRAT. PBJs are a staple around here these days. Going to try this nut-free granola butter instead, which gets decent reviews.
+Does anyone else spend a small fortune on freeze-dried fruits for her toddler? Mini loves that stuff! I was thrilled to find this ginormous tin at a good price.
What are your top three summer must-haves? I love polling my chic and in-the-know friends with questions like these; I always find new products to try that I in turn realize I can’t live without. (Like, did you know that there is such a thing as a stroller cooling pad?! My friend had something like this for her baby while we were in the Hamptons and it was genius!) Below, I polled a couple of my good friends (all of them women of substance!) for their top picks for this summer.
Jen Hunter’s Summer Must-Haves.
Remember my chic friend Jen Hunter? Since profiling her, she’s ventured off on her own to build her own interior design practice. (If you’re looking for someone with an incredible eye but appreciation for practicality — i.e., how to make your home look chic with little ones ruining everything at every turn — check her out!) Her top three summer must-haves:
Remember my talented dancer friend!? She came to my final in-person book club before having micro and it was so fun to reconnect with her IRL after keeping in touch digitally for 15 years. (We went to high school together.) At any rate, her summer must-haves:
*FYI, this set, which comes with the applicator and two refills is a crazy good deal in Nordstrom’s sale right now.
Mackenzie Horan’s Summer Must-Haves.
I’m guessing that all of you already follow the lovely and witty Mackenzie on her own incredible blog and are able to keep up with her stylish picks there, but I asked her nonetheless. (She’s closing in on her third trimester!)
She is the most asked-about person on this blog and countless number of readers have requested that I profile her as a woman of substance because, well, she is THE REAL DEAL. We’ll get there! (She’s taking her time with her answers to my Proust Questionnaire.) Below, her top three picks for summer:
*My mom is very selective and particular about comfortable shoes. If she gives Rothys a place of such prominence in her summer must-haves, I can assure you these are comfortable, well-made shoes.
Alison Kenworthy’s Summer Must-Haves.
You probably remember my gorgeous friend Alison Kenworthy. Aside from being one of the loveliest women I know, she has also graciously hosted many of our in-person book club convenings! Her summer must-haves:
*Mr. Magpie gave me a pair for my birthday and they are GAMECHANGERS. I have them in while I’m nursing — so much easier than cradling the phone with my shoulder / putting on speaker and having it slip slide around the bed / etc. I also love them for walks with Tilly. I’m obsessed. I am so late to the game with these but — MAMA MIA — technology is a good thing.
Mr. Magpie’s Summer Must-Haves.
I actually didn’t ask him — these are just my observations based on what he’s used the most. I am 100% certain I will receive flack for this in one way or another, but here goes:
I feel as though Amazon’s Prime Day has been such a letdown in years past, but there are actually a few scores worth considering this go around (and “Prime Day” ends tonight, FYI):
+I finally convinced Mr. Magpie to buy himself a Kindle Paperwhite while they’re on sale for $85 (down from $129). I have raved about this product a trillion times in the past, but suffice to say — I credit it entirely with the volume of books I’ve read in the past two years. It makes reading easier, physically and conceptually, to fit into your life. (I wrote more about this here.) Great time to buy one of these for yourself or a loved one. (Also, what to read on your Kindle.)
+Ring Wi-Fi Video Doorbell system. My parents and several close friends have and love this. Great way to monitor your door remotely — and especially convenient if your front door isn’t on the same floor as your living space! (Also, a really good gift for a techie boyfriend/husband.)
+Instant Pot. This was one of the most popular items I featured on my blog last year — people go insane over this (read reviews). On sale for only $55 (usually $130).
+Hue Smart Lightbulbs. I wrote a euphoric hymn to these bulbs (see item #8) a few years ago, and not much has changed in terms of my enthusiasm, especially now that they sync with our HomePod and we can tell Siri to turn off all the lights in our apartment (!) These are fantastic.
+My favorite long-lasting lipstick (30% off at checkout for Prime members). I own this in the fiery red “fiery” color and the hot pink “fiore” color and they are THE BEST liquid lipsticks. I have advised several brides to use this brand — the color goes on matte and lasts. (Just make sure to moisturize prior — this is my favorite lip primer. A makeup artist described it as “velcro” for lipstick and I agree.)
+My favorite liquid eyeliner (30% off at checkout for Prime members). Dries matte (!) and extremely easy to apply. I wear this at night.
+My favorite shade of red nail polish — OPI Big Apple Red (32% off at checkout for Prime members). I get asked about my nail color all the time; if it’s red, it’s almost always this color. It’s a perfect true Coca Cola red.
+Revlon One-Step Hairdryer. So – I never took the plunge on this because reviews have been so scattered. Some people claim it’s the best thing since sliced bread, others complain that it’s bulky and doesn’t work for their hair. But now that it’s only $36…
+Baby boy has very dry skin that breaks out in rashes easily. Our pediatrician recommended either Aveeno Baby or Cerave, the latter of which is a Prime day deal. Might snag a tube of it while it’s discounted. I also bought Tubby Todd’s all-over ointment after reading several zealous reviews claiming it cures everything from rashes to cradle cap to eczema?!
+A new floor puzzle for mini (she’ll flip — on sale for $8). She was really into these two-piece puzzles, and I think she might get a kick out of the bigger one. Possibly a bit advanced but she can grow into it.
+$10 off one of my must-have baby toys. Yes, it’s hideous and the music haunts your dreams, but it truly is a must-own toy. It kept mini entertained for hours and hours over the course of months and months. (Can be used when baby is seated in front of it before she’s mobile, then can be used when she’s first learning to walk. She still loves playing with the phone piece!)
+People love love love Tegu magnetic blocks. This kit is on sale for an insane deal — only $32 down from $75! I’m going to buy a few of them to give as Christmas gifts!
+NOT on Amazon, but J. Crew is drafting off the “prime” sale verbiage and has some crazy good deals on some of my favorite staples, like this rollneck sweater for only $25, the classic Tippi sweater for $25 (crazy!), and one of my favorite tees (I own this already in several colorways — going to snag that pale pink!) for under $10.
