Things I Can’t Forget.

While compiling my playlist for “The Correspondent,” I listened to both the John Prine and Brandi Carlile versions of “I Remember Everything.” This is a grief ballad. Not a dirge, not a funeral march, not even an elegy or a requiem; it is about living with grief for a long time and coming to terms with its hard wear. The clear-eyed, matter-of-fact line “Got no future in my happiness / Though regrets are very few / Sometimes a little tenderness / Was the best that I could do” blooms like a bruise. This is pain, studied earnestly, but softened by time — familiar in its shape to many of us, no doubt This song always draws me to my deceased friend Elizabeth. Not that she knew it while she was alive — but when I first heard it a few years ago, she sprang immediately to mind. The roses, the feeling of the memories that stick and the ones that have slipped right through a net — oh! Ultimately, the line “sometimes a little tenderness / was the best that I could do” is something I’ve clung to for years now. I think it’s true of grief but also just — generally, in relationships. If we can be tender towards ourselves, toward one another. Gently, gently. Not assume mal-intent; let those sticky, begrudging feelings ball up and roll away from us like yarn.

Anyhow, I welcomed the invitation to think about “the things I can’t forget” — the things I hopefully never will forget. These are:

My dad’s wonder at the forsythia blooming along the driveway of our childhood home each March (life begins again)

Guileless, artless, intricate Barbie plotlines and negotiations with my sisters all those Saturdays of my youth (talk about a place you don’t need to perform…)

My mother telling me: “don’t say that about my best friend!” after my disproportionate self-reproach

My uncle’s letters, with “Keep writing!” at the end

Stuffing bad poetry beneath my mother’s door

Racing across the wood slats of the quadrangle porch with Elizabeth, laughing and fearless — just singing our own youth

Landon’s hazel eyes, the way he stooped to my eye level and stopped time altogether that sweltering August night we met all those years ago

Landon at the baggage carousel in Lyon, France, my pulse racing; he was wearing a Ralph Lauren bomber, tired eyes, the most enormous smile; he said: “I can feel your heart”

Stammering through my mediocre academic paper on James Joyce in Rome, Italy in 2009, my parents in the audience: 4500 miles and thousands of dollars just to say “we love you, we see you, keep going”

Landon down on one knee — the certain feeling that everything forever would be OK because of this

Watching Chicago — our new home town — rise from I90 like a glittering promise, even as I felt completely untethered from life as I’d known it (new husband, new job, new city!)

Laying on the roof of our first home in Chicago, shoulder to shoulder, feeling like the night sky (and then some) belonged to us

Coming out of the hospital after a pregnancy loss: Landon stepped on my foot, and I, who’d had tears pooling in my eyes for hours, collapsed into his arms in sobs in the parking lot of that freezing Chicago garage (“it’s never the cream“)

Tilly in the snow (ecstatic!); Tilly with my mitten in her mouth (stubborn!); Tilly pressing her face to my husband’s (the most loyal and loving Argos!)

Holding Tilly while she died — what an honor, to have her in our arms as she went from this world to the next

Emory’s first cries — the shock, the joy, the relief, the belonging, the unknown

Countless tender hours spent in the dim light of her nursery in Chicago, the feeling of her in my arms, the dawning sense that she would forever be my other heartbeat

Emerging from the tunnel into Manhattan, shocked (!) that the concrete and metal and throb of it all would be our new home (the shock never wore off)

Calling Landon from the bathroom in our Central Park West apartment (hiding from my toddler) to let him know I was pregnant with Hill — shaking, pacing the tiled floor

The way Hill pressed his mouth to my cheek just after he was born — no fussing, just a hundred tiny kisses

My mother coming into the recovery room, eager to see the baby, but bee-lining for me instead: “I have to check my baby first”

Laying in bed with Hill morning after morning: “stay like this, stay like this”; a thousand cuddles; a thousand kisses; the purest and most radiant form of happiness

The deeply good feeling of coming home to DC after those wandering years in Chicago and NYC

An email from an acquisitions editor reading: “Have you thought about writing a book?”

There are hundreds more, and many are so fine-grained and unremarkable as to belong to a separate drawer (the one titled: “the magic of the everyday”), but the thing I want to observe is that each and every one of the core memories that surfaced with slick ease when I sat down to the question: “what are the things I can’t forget?” are a lattice of love and risk. A pastiche of baring the vulnerable heart, time and time again. I think this is it, after all; I think this is what life really boils down to: walking around like a big stick-figure heart. So let yourself be cringey with affection. Permit yourself to go crazy over the new apartment, the new city, the next phase (you’re going to love it). Go all in on your desire and ambition. Be uncool about love and where it takes us. Be hot about it, actually. In the end, when we’re old and gray, those will be the moments we can’t forget.

*Written while crying — very uncoolly.

Shopping Break.

+The Donni pants arrived and I love them! Try JEN10 for a discount. Notes on sizing/styling in case you’ve been waiting: I took an XS (my true size) though was tempted by the XXS. I’m glad I went true to size so they have the proper, slightly-loose fit. I’m 5’0 and they are a little long on me — they’re full length where they should fit cropped. I’m going to have them hemmed by about 2″ at the tailor to achieve the proper effect. One thing that surprised me is that they’re actually pretty easy to style for everyday. I paired with a cotton rollneck knit (this is a good alt for under $100; see me in the look here) and it worked perfectly.

+If you like the Donni vibe but not the price (they are $$$), you can get the look for a little less here and about half as much here.

+Tuckernuck’s sample sale ends today! I shared my favorites here, and many of them are now long one; one of the top-sellers still available is this gorgeous wrap knit. Some other recent finds still in stock: this fun dress, these flats (actually think this is the perfect silhouette for pairing with the Donni pants), this one-piece (loveee the print).

+Alice Walk just released a chocolate brown version of their cashmere getaway…I have a feeling I’d be reaching for this all the time. My Dad gave my mom this sweater in the “oatmeal” color for Christmas, and every time she wears it, I think it’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. While you’re there, they just restocked their famous and fabulous wool capes for the last time this season! These routinely sell through. I own in the mink color. A fab statement outerwear piece.

+Swedish candy company BonBon sent me their new chocolate wafer bar and WOW. It’s delightful. It’s what a Kit Kat wishes it was. Landon and I have been splitting the bars for dessert this week. The packaging is also super charming – this would make a cute little Galentine’s day surprise! (BonBon also makes the most delicious, gorgeously-packaged gummy candy. I have this filed away as a “little something” gift idea for a loved one who needs a pick me up.)

+CHIC new shoes for spring: these mint green kitten heels; these literally perfect dove gray pumps. A good pointed toe pump will be worn forever.

+I ordered this knit dress. I needed some more warm cozy dresses to wear during this cold season. I’m kind of tired of my jeans! Will be perfect with a suede boot and a silk-wool statement scarf; this is what I’m planning to wear this Sunday to Mass:

KNIT DRESS // LIZZIE FORTUNATO NECKLACE // MERIT FLUSH BALM // LA DOUBLE J SCARF // LOEFFLER BOOT // VESTIRSI BAG //

+I shared a little peek at our formal living room here, and several of you ordered our glass and brass coffee table! Pretty look for less here.

+Cool lived-in, borrowed-from-my-husband sweatshirt here. This is the vibe I’m after for my daughter’s futsal game this weekend in a freezing gym, complete with the bag I borrowed from Vivrelle this month! (I linked all the bag styles that I’ve hearted to borrow in the future here. Reminder that JENSHOOP gets you the first month free!)

VARLEY PUFFER // BANANA REPUBLIC SWEATSHIRT // AYR JEANS // VIVRELLE-BORROWED CELINE BAG // DOLCE VITA SNEAKERS

+I’ve saved these and all my other outfit ideas here.

+January Amazon finds and buys.

+Cool new resortwear brand to track: Las Surenas. Love this fun colorful caftan. Updated my Shopbop hearts with lots of colorful finds this week here.

+For my fellow petites: has anyone tried this pair of jeans?

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