I was holding a tupperware on her doorstep and she was weeping across the lintel. Words seemed to lodge somewhere in my throat, so I touched her arm and cried with her instead.
I later told Landon, who had been standing behind me, holding a bag with the rest of the meal, “I couldn’t find the right words,” and he said, “Just being there is enough.” But hadn’t my entire life’s work prepared me for this moment, this ministry? I was baffled at my craft’s desertion. Should I have rehearsed some words of comfort? I don’t know; maybe there are moments where you simply need to stand with someone and receive whatever it is she needs to give you.
I am thinking of crying into my sister-in-law’s jacket on the night drive home. She didn’t pry or nudge me to talk through anything. She didn’t attempt to fix the fences. She just cradled me under her arm like a child. The simplest shape of care.
I am thinking of sitting in my friend’s living room after her mother had died. We didn’t know what to say; we were young. We collected on the couch and did gentle things instead: poured coffee, ordered dinner, let the tears and memories arrive whenever they needed to. An improvised shiva.
I am thinking also of the woman who, at my book tour talk, beamed at me each time I glanced her way: a warm, inviting energy. The gentle rays that coax. I told her this when she came through the line to have her book signed, and she beamed again, this time adding: “That’s so funny, my friends tell me I’m always the person women go to when they need a tampon. I don’t know why.”
But I know why: her beautiful sisterliness.
The “here, try mine,” energy. The shared umbrella. The earnest and observant compliment: “I think red’s your color.” The hand squeeze when that one person darkens the doorstep or says that cutting thing, and the warm twin feeling that you aren’t alone in your hurt after all. The quiet assessment of what needs to be done and the unfussy, unannotated doing of it: “I’ll make the reservation,” the load of laundry turned, “here’s the number of a physical therapist that was recommended–just get it checked for peace of mind.” Taking photographs of you and your children that you’d never otherwise have. “You sit, let me do the dishes.” A knickknack gift with deeply personal meaning — a porcelain bird, a butterfly letterpressed onto a bookmark, a lucky number 17 embroidered onto a handkerchief — which are basically ways of saying, “I know the real you, and I see you everywhere.” Jumping in to redirect an uncomfortable conversation on your behalf — the implied “how dare she.” The proud announcement of your achievements to the world, even when you shrink from the limelight. Knowing when to visit. The Magnificat in motion.
Post-Scripts.
+What fun little traditions do you have with your kids?
Shopping Break.
+This spectacular feather-trim skirt launched yesterday and is nearly sold out as of time of writing this! A perfect festive season piece. More favorite holiday outfit finds here. I’m keeping this well-updated as new arrivals roll in!
+20% off a great selection at Anthro, including THE taffeta pants, this cool Mother jacket I mentioned yesterday, this bandana scarf sweater (the scarf detaches — nice quality, I got in the taupe!), and Agolde Ren jeans in petite and regular inseams.
+A great winter season grab: this plum tassel clutch, under $100. Plum is THE COLOR du jour. Pair with fuchsia, chartreuse, emerald, black, navy, ivory! Fab fab fab!
+Going to Inn at Perry Cabin next week and wishing I had this to pack. LOVE. Asha also just launched beautiful blockprint blouses that remind of the ones from Alix of Bohemia but less $$. Try code ASHA10.
+I’ve been getting a lot of wear out of this Lizzie Fortunato constellation necklace this season. I’ve had a few Magpies ask for looks for less. Some necklaces that nail a similar vibe: this Anthro and this Beau and Ro (use code JEN15).
+Now is the time to buy the kids’ ski and snow gear, before you’re caught unaware or scrambling to overnight something and the sizes are sold out! I love the bibs from Reima and Helly Hansen — incredible quality. The Reima parkas are my absolute favorite. They stretch a few seasons and hold up so well. If you only intend to use sporadically / for snow days, two less expensive but promising options are Land’s End (on sale) and Quince!
+Cozy pointelle jammies for the season ahead. Also think this $34 holiday waffle patterned pair is cute!
+While you’re there: these for your kids beds!
+For cold weather running/morning walks!
+Love these new butterfly and bird charms a Hart! Use code JEN10.
+If you love Eadem Chouchou lippies as much as I do: they are currently on sale when purchased as a trio, whether in full size or mini, and you can pick which flavors/colors go in your set!
+Ordering these chocolate dipped fruit delicacies for my mom — one of her FAVORITE TREATS of all time are chocolate-dipped apricots. She always talks about a friend of hers who brought by an enormous platter of dried fruit (some chocolate dipped, some not) right after her fifth child was born. She said it was just what she wanted, just the right level of decadent and comforting. I always tuck dried fruit into food delivery bundles for new moms!
+I keep coming back to these funky shearling flats from Jenni Kayne…
+Reminder that Credo is still 20% off sitewide! My top picks here, but the Magpie topsellers from the sale have been this hydrobalm lip color and this Westman party ready makeup set.
+These skiing jammies for kids!
+THE CHICEST DOG BED, on sale right now!
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What I was most grateful for after my dad’s death in December were the people who showed up for me-especially the people who were nervous or unsure of what to say or do. They showed up anyway! I truly appreciated the friends who simply said, “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” I always tell people you don’t have to have the perfect words. Just be there. Say something, even if you’re not sure. It will be enough.
Thank you so much for sharing, Casey – such a good reminder that being there, trying, showing up even if we don’t know what to say is what matters.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
xx
Beautiful. Sometimes the simplest things say the most. Of all the outreach my family and I received after the death of my father earlier this year, the one that sticks with me the most was a handpicked vase of dahlias, one random day about 4 months after his death, dropped off by a family friend who had lost her own father the year before. She isn’t the most emotional person, and not prone to talking about feelings. But these flowers did all the talking- after all the immediate aftermath had died down, they said “I still see you as you make your way through the long tail of grief.”
Gosh, this is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing this note and idea. What a thoughtful gesture.
In a completely different but similar lane, I remember one of my friends said she made a point of bringing by meals / gifts for post partum moms a month or two after delivery versus right after. I thought that was so thoughtful, too.
xx