Ed note: Today, republishing this musing from two years ago because, well, the final days of holiday break tend to involve…long days of parenting. Sending love and solidarity if you, too, are the mom hiding her face in the fridge. Reminding myself that my capacities shift from hour to hour, day to day, and that I need to give myself some grace.
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We went from a Thanksgiving recess to an unanticipated 18-day-long quarantine straight into a two-week-long holiday break, and let me tell you —
These have been long, trying days of parenting.
I occasionally shrink from this admission when in company, because — well, I am a mother and this is my elective responsibility and it is difficult to admit that sometimes my children drive me absolutely mad because I am of course suffocatingly in love with them and grateful that these two tiny and perfect souls belong to me. I sat with my son in my arms for ten gorgeous minutes on Sunday evening — a rare, gem-like happening because he is a busy and writhing two-and-a-half-year-old-boy who must do everything himself, just the way he likes them. It was such a novelty that I wondered briefly whether he might be under the weather before fully leaning into the moment. For context, I recently pulled out the changing mat we stow beneath his bed and he shrieked at me with anger, shoving it back beneath. I watched him, quizzically. He then pulled it back out himself, arranging it perpendicular to the orientation I’d had it in beforehand, and looked at me triumphantly. “Hill!” he yelled. A prince stomping his foot, naming his territory. And it dawned on me that, well, normally I do pull it out in the direction he’d used: he had done it correctly, and I had not. So these are strange, never-ending days of negotiation and short temper and recalcitrance and independence-staking that I try to meet with gentle corrections. But as the day winds on, and my patience wears thin, I have been known to loudly recite the Hail Mary over squeals and cries and whimpers–more of an angry incantation than peaceful intercession, if I am honest. Some days I feel like a grizzled warden. It is the best I can do when meeting the inevitable “but I don’t want that” whining that accompanies the serving of dinner nearly every night, or the flinging of food from a churlish two-year-old, or the seemingly constant physical battles I must break up between them. There has been hair-pulling, and toy-throwing, and name-calling, and even a few instances of biting. It has been —
a —
long —
month.
I am not writing this from the standpoint of self-admonishment or even self-improvement. I do often sit in reflection after the day has ended, parsing out what I aspire to do differently, but today I just want to shoulder the burden with any other moms flagging in the face of a long break, or muscling through a quarantine, or overwhelmed by the frenzy of the holidays with young children, or just in it for no reason at all. In a way, I think I anticipated the emotional toll of motherhood: I sensed that having children would be tantamount to walking on heartstrings. But I did not know how wearying the everyday parenting could be — how sometimes, after forty-five separate instances of reprimand over my son plucking ornaments off the tree, that I might actually pretend not to see him doing it a forty-sixth time because I cannot fathom moving through that conversation again. Of course, writing this out makes me realize that I have probably not dealt with the issue adequately to begin with (move the ornaments! clarify the rules! etc) but — wow. I would like to see myself as the type who calmly crouches down beside her son, firmly re-states the boundary and then smoothly redirects him, but sometimes I am the mom hiding her face in the fridge.
Well.
As we say —
Onward!
Post-Scripts.
+Quiet thoughts on parenting.
+Parenting advice I love.
+Getting through a tantrum phase.
+On weaning. (It remains one of the hardest parenting stretches to date, for me. So if it feels tough — IT IS!)
+A small relinquishing of control.
+Onward indeed.
Shopping Break.
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+Perfect sunglasses. (Vibe for less — or, these ovals are also fun/trendy.)
+Cutest tweed jacket (under $100).
+Love these colorful, reasonably-priced wine glasses.
+For Valentine’s Day for your little.
+I’ve amassed quite the collection of Pam Munsons over the years, but I must add this one to the roster!
+Gorgeous napkins.
+Ordered this rack to organize our water bottles — will keep in our pantry.
+Such a chic and sleek writing desk.
+Amanda Lindroth has some really cute batik pattern shams on sale. Also love their new canvas totes — reminds me of the Garden Party style from Hermes!
+I have this little napkin holder on our bar. Adds dimension/interest and keeps napkins organized.
+OMG. Love the pattern and silhouette on this Marysia suit.
+These toiletry bags spark so much joy.
+This gorgeous mirror is 40% off.
+Obsessed with this dress from Significant Other.