This morning, republishing an essay on dating my husband. I always think of the moment at the Dabney I mention in it around the holidays, and remind myself to make space for the two of us during the rush and tackle of the season. (On the “Do Not Postpone” (DNP) List: date my husband!)
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A few years ago, a few days before Christmas, Mr. Magpie and I went out to dinner at The Dabney in D.C. It was the perfect pause from the holiday rush. We lingered over cocktails and Mid-Atlantic fare at the largely-empty bar, pleasantly marooned together for a few hours on a bitterly cold night. While there, I forgot that we were parents, responsible adults, business owners, employees. I forgot that we were anything but in love with each other.
I was reminded that night of a note I received from a Magpie several years ago, in which she wrote:
“Your relationship with Mr. Magpie is so tender and loving. Do you have a round up of relationship/marriage advice?”
In general, I feel wrong-footed offering advice on this front. First, even fifteen years in, I feel too green. Second, every relationship is idiosyncratic. And third, and I don’t write this to be coy or self-deprecating, but I think Mr. Magpie is the magic. He is patient, he is romantic, he cares about a lot of little things that (I have observed) many men do not, he is a noticer, he is an equal. I could go on and on, but I suspect that no one wants to hear all of the reasons I find my husband paranormal.
All that said, my take: 1) let him be himself, and love him for it — this means encouraging passions; stepping up to help with situations that are challenging for him; letting him surprise you with a changed mind, a new thought, a radical idea; 2) always assume the best of intentions; 3) date him.
This last suggestion feels the most tactical, so we’ll point the arrow there. Any time we go out, just the two of us, I remember Mr. Magpie at 20, at the start of everything, thick into the headiness of the befores. Can you remember the thrill of the beginning? The way you couldn’t wait to see him/her? The way your stomach would drop when he/she said something flirty, or wrote something sweet over AIM? Sometimes I write about the beginning of us, and I feel reborn. Going on a deliberately out-of-the-ordinary date — to lunch on a Tuesday somewhere adventurous, or for an 8 p.m. cocktail, when you’re usually curling up on the couch, at some ridiculous downtown bar, or to a controversial art exhibit — is the easiest way to unclip from “the everyday stuff” that can obscure or mute the magic of your relationship with your spouse.
A few finer-tipped suggestions: 1) Eat at the bar. We always have the most intimate conversations when sitting side by side, and there is something winningly low-key about the experience. Plus, you can usually get a last-minute seat, and often enjoy great service because the bartender can survey your meal progress more easily than a server. 2) Arrive separately. We aren’t able to do this as much anymore, but in NYC, it was easy to ask him to meet me at the bar around the corner after work. There is something romantic about appearing in the door decked out to meet your date. He hasn’t seen you primping in the mirror, swapping shoes, spritzing with perfume. He just sees you at your best. 3) Controversial, perhaps, but I love this: have him order for you, or vice versa. There is something about belonging to each other implicit in the act, and it’s an unexpected surprise. Variety is the spice of life. 4) Always have the date “start” in the morning — “I can’t wait for our date,” and “see you in a few hours,” and a real kiss.
Just after that trip to The Dabney a few years ago, I came across a quote from Matt Haig that summed it up perfectly:
“How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.”
Spending an evening with your loved one — really seeing him, really leaning into the conversation — is a surefire way to hit pause on everything that does not matter in order to take in what does.
Post-Scripts.
+3 a.m. parties with my husband have changed over the years.
+Marriage is an act of optimism.
+I won’t soon forget any detail about my husband when I first met him.
Shopping Break.
+ALERT! Updated this post after publication to add that Chappywrap is running a one-day 30% off flash sale. Use code FLASH. Blankets will arrive in time for Christmas, including my favorite one that my friend Inslee designed! And this one is a classic that anyone would love.
+Two new drool-worthy knits from J. Crew: this cable-knit bomber (giving vintage RL vibes) and this brushed cashmere turtleneck sweater. I just rewatched While You Were Sleeping and you know the scene where she presents her landlord with a gift she had tucked in her sweater cuff? This is that sweater.
+Shopbop is offering an extra 30% off sale today! I rounded up all my top picks here. This includes a bizarrely good deal on my favorite gym sneakers (great ankle support / stability shoe), chic VB jeans, and a gorgeous velvet headband in a perfect but unexpected bronze color. On the investment side: a spectacular leather tote for everyday use and a shearling-trim Nili Lotan bomber!
+This new scarf-print mini from VB…!!!!
+Today I learned…this is how proper adults attach wreaths to their windows?!?!
+Ahem, this is giving NYE goddess. Also hyperfixated on this magical dress if you want something a tad more demure. ZOMG. Finally, this with this?!
+You could recreate that last look with this Zara top (selling fast) and this Quince skirt (or this Zara). GORGE.
+Other NYE options: this mini; this “tinsel knit” paired with a Colby pant or even a leather pant; this coat over anything.
+A weird thing to love, but I do love these beadboard drying racks we hung on the wall of our laundry room! Why can’t utilitarian things be attractive?! Love that you can fold it back against the wall when not in use.
+Something useful to tuck into your son’s stocking! More kids’ stocking stuffer ideas here. These have been the bestseller from this collection! I got them for my kids, too.
+For my cold climate friends: have heard good things about these Aritzia SuperPuffers — from people who live in Illinois! Good pick as a Canada Goose look for less.
+Most adorable holiday sheets for a girl! (Target also has some cute $30 sets.)
+Ugh, every time I check out Frame, I want to be a Frame girl. I love this jacket, this sweater, and of course slim palazzos in every wash (go up a size in these).
+OK, how adorable is this $30 ski-motif sherpa fleece for girls?!
+Any mothers of the bride out there?! THIS DRESS is meant for you.
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You do, you do, you do need another cropped blazer! Pink smoke.. oui oui! French glamour puss vibes right there.
Right?!?!
Any tips for dating your husband in the thick of the newborn stage?
Hi Olivia! That is a really challenging stretch because of all the feeding, swaddling, napping, rocking! I remember it well. This goes against conventional wisdom, so do what you will with this, but I remember putting on a movie / pouring a glass of wine to enjoy with Landon during that “iffy” first stretch of baby sleep each night (I remember for both of my babies, they would often be down from 8-10-ish?) — it’s when you SHOULD be putting yourself to sleep for the first time if you follow the advice of everyone else (eg sleep when the baby sleeps) but I often chose to spend that time with Landon and treat it like a special sliver of time just for us. I honestly have no regrets, even though I was so, so exhausted. It made me feel connected to him during a time I felt adrift. We also liked to go out for “quick happy hours” during that time — peel off just after feeding the baby for an hour to walk around the corner and get a glass of wine or share a bar snack. I also remember we would take these very long walks during my daughter’s mid-morning nap a few times a week and let her sleep while we were pushing her around our neighborhood. It felt so good to just wander, talk, get some fresh air. Even though the baby was with us, she was asleep, and it felt like a great time to connect.
In general, even really small and short dates can feel special. 20 minutes to share a slice of cheesecake, putting on music and opening a bottle of champagne for no reason. I think it’s just the intentionality around it. “I’m not going to fold laundry, I’m going to date you right here in the kitchen!”
xx
YES to sitting at the bar! I don’t drink alcohol (I usually ask the bartender to surprise me with whatever mocktail they’d like to make) but it is such a different feeling to sit at the bar vs table. We’ve had really enjoyable conversations this way!
It really is the best!! Most intimate dining experience. Feels like the pressure’s off, feels lowkey, feels cozy — just love the vibe at the bar.
xx
I immediately thought of this post that I’ve kept in the back of my head for years as a great tip. https://cupofjo.com/2012/03/01/relationship-tip-keeping-the-sparks-flying/amp/
Oh I love this!! Yes!
Related to your third point, I think there is such intimacy in “I”ll have whatever you’re having.” Doesn’t even have to be romantic intimacy, but it shows complete knowledge of and trust in someone else’s taste.
Completely agree with this – and I love the intimacy it organically builds in the moment, too! I feel this way, too, when we have friends over (the kind who don’t mind asking for what they want) and they just say “pour me whatever you’re having.” Kind of leaning into shared adventure/experience.
xx