I’ve been in a big shop mode for my children the last few weeks — turn of the seasons, and several big events incoming. I absolutely had to get my son this adorable quarter zip and shorts set from Lewis; I am guessing this might be the final year he enjoys wearing clothing with cute animals on it — although he’s not my toughest shopping critic. I showed my daughter no fewer than twenty dress options for Easter Sunday and, on the 20th attempt, when I was beginning to wonder if we’d ever find something suiting her preferences, she determined she liked this one. (Her requests: “nothing poufy or frilly.” Reader, I obliged! 90% of the offerings fit this bill! I felt certain she’d be taken with this, this, or this, all of which earned definitive snubs.) I bought her this cardigan/jacket and these mary janes to finish the look — it’s often chilly on Easter morning!
As I’ve been shopping away, I wanted to share a couple of adorable children’s finds —
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By: Jen Shoop
Last week, I made a few hats available for purchase here on my blog; a small thing, an “inside baseball” buy for us Magpies. Mr. Magpie wore his hat all week — to school drop off; to pick up steak at the butcher; to weed in the garden. MAGPIE BIRDING CLUB, everywhere he went. I watched him move through his week, doing all the normal things–only it wasn’t normal at all, not to me. There he was, quietly pinning my universe in place.
This morning, a small token of gratitude for his unwavering support: a republishing of this essay asking him when, exactly, he found the time to light up the sky?
****
When did you hang the moon?
Was it the day we met, swatting mosquitoes in the crepuscular weight of August in the Midatlantic, the fixed stars hidden in the swollen heat?
Or that time we crossed paths that night at Scott Stadium, the world a dim blur as I floated silently out into galaxies beyond?
I was too busy noticing you, and the way you rolled your oxfords up your forearms, and smiled at me as if in appreciation, and widened your stance when we’d talk, planting yourself for proper conversation, to see that you were also lighting up the universe —
Or maybe they’re the same thing: the details of you as luminous and giving as the stellar sum.
I know only this —
There was that night at the bonfire in the Appalachians, shivering in the October chill, and the Milky Way glittered so close I felt I could reach out and touch its stars. And yet next to you, they appeared the unremarkable beige of a waiting room, and, like everything else, dissolved into white noise and atmospheric clutter. Funny, how love can do that: put everything else on mute. “We were together — I forget the rest.” Etcetera.
That night, you were doing nothing at all. Just standing next to me, taking my hand, loaning me your sweatshirt, making smalltalk with my girlfriends. And I saw that you must have tacked up the moon some time in the months prior, as unassumingly as you now replace the lightbulbs and switch the air filters. Oh, no big deal, you’d have said. Just changing the constellations.
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Shopping Break.
+New in at Tuckernuck: this great dress. Giving major La Double J vibes. I ended up ordering this striped skirt — so good, so easy!
+REALLY good new arrivals at Gap, too: this linen dress, this gauze set, these barrel gauze pants, this Doen-esque dress, and these shorts for girls.
+Rhone just launched their “Stance line” of athletic wear, which is perfect for tennis, golf, pickleball. I got my hands on this athletic skirt and it’s both highly functional and chic! (And already selling out in certain sizes.) I have this tentatively planned for one of my three Disney days. You can pair with the matching tank or their court-to-course quarter zip for a finished look. I own and LOVE that quarter-zip — it has a great slightly swingy silhouette so it sort of skims over your shorts instead of snagging at the waist / looking fitted at the waist. Really flattering with bike shorts, leggings, etc. While you’re there, how cute is this gingham bra? My code SHOOP20 gets you 20% off.
+Loro Piana…drool. Speaking of LP, I just bought a few items for Mr. Magpie from the European brand Aurelien, which, while not cheap, has major LP energy for much less $$. I’m loving the styled looks like this, and this. European royalty vibes — ha. I especially like their footwear. I bought Mr. Magpie these “yacht loafers,” which look a lot like the styles from Loro Piana and Brunello Cucinelli, but are about half as expensive. (Get the look for even less with these.)
+I have been LOVING everything I’ve tried from Sarah Creal, but especially her undereye concealer (does NOT settle into fine lines — it is magic) and eye cream (slightly tinted so it offers a little bit of color correction); cannot wait to try their new bronzer. This beauty line is specifically formulated for “mature skin.”
+Shopbop sale still going strong! Realized after I compiled this roundup of my picks that the sale also included Agolde Parker shorts — the best. There’s been some debate in the comments here about whether or not denim shorts are a good idea for Disney but these are what I’m planning to wear, with this airy top. The sale also includes one of my favorite sweaters from La Ligne: this stripe! Also available in navy.
+See an everyday outfit look inspired by a few of the items I just mentioned here. Everything up to 25% off!
+I actually used the sale to buy a few things for Mr. Magpie: these classic khakis, this SSBD (he’s literally never owned an SSBD in his life, so we’ll see what he thinks…he always resists a little at first and then tells me later “you’re keeping me fresh”), and two pairs of shorts to pair the SSBD with. (The other pair of shorts are these — which are a little loud but I think will look amazing with a white terry polo or button-down.) Will look so good with his new loafers and his Garrett Leight sunglasses, which I unabashedly bought him because Brad Pitt wore them. Hehe. A little moodboard of my best finds for him here.
+Cute gifts for a little lady: this umbrella, this pouch. Both Target finds!
+I have been wearing this turquoise bracelet in my daily stack for weeks now. So unexpected and so chic! It was just restocked after being out of stock for months. A fabulous piece to work into your daily wardrobe, especially in the summer!
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
I’ve been drawn to pastel lately, but there is something undeniably chic about grounding your spring wardrobe in rich, chocolate brown and warm, earthy tones. These colors feel elevated, sophisticated, and unexpected this time of year. Above, I’m wearing the greatest everyday dress: the top is a t-shirt material and the bottom is a full and airy poplin. If you’re a new customer, you can get 10% off with MAGPIE10. I went a size down in this (took an xxs) and the fit is perfect, I think because of the drawstring waist. I layered beneath my favorite cashmere cardigan and accessorized with a Lizzie Fortunato necklace (sold out, similar here), these Mango flats, and my new beloved handbag: Tory Burch’s Lee Radziwill. I later further completed the neutral look with my new favorite lip product: The Outset’s lip oasis in dune (nude).
Brown and Neutral Favorites for Spring.
Some other standout items that have caught my eye in this palette: Banana’s patterned linin mini, Julia Amory’s Betty Dress (an absolute stunner that can be dressed up or dressed down — see me in mine below; use code JEN-15 for 15% off), and these Angie Crop Trousers from Splendid.
Some other gorgeous chocolate, neutral, and earth tone finds for the season:
*Flagging this ultra-chic silhouette because HHH just launched a spring capsule this morning at 9 a.m. with this style in a new green-and-white stripe that I’m hoping to get my hands on!
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
“A devoted runner!” the crossing guard called to me as she parted the traffic in driving 45-degree rain, Moses of suburbia. I expressed something half-formed, midway between a smile and a “hm!”, as I ran by. This, my perennial problem: l’esprit de l’escalier. I am slow on my feet, in running but also unexpected encouragement or discouragement; I need at least a mile to mull. So, after the moment had passed, I thought: Only I’m not.I’m sporadic and slow, untuned and untimed. A begrudging runner if anything; a laggard in leggings. After all, it had taken me thirty minutes to work up the nerve to brave the cold rain that morning. I kept waiting for a break that did not come, and had to reach for other attenuations: “There’s no such thing as bad weather,” I repeated to myself, as I pulled on my parka and gloves and stared into the poolings on the pavestone. And again when my shoes soaked through within sixty seconds of leaving the cosset of my home: There’s no such thing as bad weather. This time with a current of causticity. But after I’d run through all the reasons I could not be considered “a devoted runner,” I ran lightly with the guard’s encouragement nonetheless: a little bird surprised by happenstance nourishment.
I thought: How little it takes to spur myself on — only a stray word from a stranger!
And yet — I was out there with the rain and the birds and the sodden feet before her encouragement, too. And I would do well to praise myself for this determination, whether I consider myself a runner or not.
I thought then, as I often do, of how life’s tiniest moments read like metaphors for writing, and vice versa, because —
I am accustomed to the unseen feeling: most writing reads in a silent room; the creative routinely shares to no response. This is a common misconception about writing, I think: you don’t write to be heard, to be listened to, certainly not to be praised; you write to reveal form. I think sometimes of the artist as a plumber. You are working with the pipes downstairs. You may never know that the work you did last week drew a warm and welcome bath for a tired body. You are in fact completely unaware of where it ends up, and what the water looks like to the waiting woman upstairs. You are just tightening and connecting; swapping out copper pieces, often in the dark, sometimes with a little unwelcome mud or grit or water, tapping into the subterranean, tinkering your way to an unblocked flow.
And so when you receive a word of encouragement, you feel lit-up and unalone, and yet you know — you must know — you will continue to create, even in the silence; mainly in the silence.
I write this today thinking of a friend of mine who gave up on writing because she felt she had been turned down too many times. She wanted to publish a book, and had a few “we regret to inform you…” letters, maybe one with helpful criticism, but mainly heard nothing at all. I of course wanted to comfort her; to build her up. To howl against the short-sightedness of the agents and publishers. But I also wanted to say: most of us create in silence. This is I think the condition of it. Most of the time, we are running alone in the rain, inventing any number of secret rationales and mantras to keep ourselves in motion. Anything to keep the speed. Anything to form one bright streak through the squall. When we are lucky, some god calls out: “I see you in your devotions!” and you think how lucky and light your feet feel, but this is the exception rather than the rule.
So onward!, as we say. Keep going, even in the quiet, the rain, the dark. Especially in those conditions. Write into it.
+Some great new markdowns at Nordstrom: my favorite cropped sweatpants, a great terry pullover (I own in multiple colors), and chic jelly sandals for pool days!
+I’m not sure when it will go live this morning, but Doen is dropping a final spring capsule today! They sent me a sneak peek and I had to have this ethereal little white top called the Nera top!
+I’m in love with vitamin c for my skin – I think a lot of us are. It’s the first, unmovable step in my skincare process in the morning. I’ve often likened it to “turning the lights on” in my skin — immediate, visible change. My two longtime favorite vit c products: Biossance oil (light, quick to absorb) and Goop. (I know many readers are devotees of Skinceuticals but there are enough reports of its offputting smell to deter me. Plus, it’s much more expensive!). What are your thoughts?
+I just received these red gauze pants ($39!) and am obsessed with them. Super soft and the tomato red color is so fun! This is the kind of thing I like to throw on with a striped sweater for easy everyday wear.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
iNothing says “effortless chic” like linen for spring and summer — the perfect balance of breezy and refined. Very Nancy Meyers FMC. I could not wait to break in this new linen set from Frank and Eileen (which I also own in white), but you can easily recreate the look for less with these Quince pants and the matching shirt, or Gap’s take, which I’m LOVING in the tomato red (top, bottom).
Shopbop is running its biggest promotion of the season: 15% off orders of $200+, 20% off orders of $500+, and 25% off orders of $800. Use code: STYLE. I know a lot of Magpies use this promotion to build out the basics of a spring and early summer wardrobe! A few great buys below…
First, this white top will be a staple of your spring to summer wardrobe. Tuck into white, colored, light, or dark wash denim (or denim shorts) and re-style infinity ways.
Second, use the promo to snag a Frank and Eileen sweatset in a great spring/summer color — top, bottoms.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
In these books, there are fingerprints and water stains. Prefaces and TOCs. Dog-eared pages and half-ripped ones. My self at fourteen, my self at forty. Notes in the margins, and annotations in the back matter; cracked spines and old covers faded by sun and the vacation smells of spilt sunscreen and saltwater. Published by on such-and-such date. To Jen Love Dad, September 1998. At least twelve different readings of Jo March, or Elizabeth Bennett, or Anne Shirley — together, a logbook of a heart making its way a life.
Each time I dip in, I am the kingfisher. I find something new. Or, maybe, the text is the kingfisher, and I am the fish waiting to be found somewhere in the vast blue, storm-tossed by sea change or still in the shallows, depending on the day.
When I’d fish with my Dad in Colorado, I would see the rainbow trout inches beneath the clear mountain water, their sleek sliver bodies appearing stuck in situ. They were skittish, though, and we took care lest our shadows spook them off. I imagine myself trout-like now, waiting or whatever they were doing. Do they sleep like that, fins against the current? What a way to live.
In any case, they made for easy prey, eye-visible and hungry, as do I now. I imagine the text throwing out an easy line, landing on the fragile surface of the water, nearly nothing between it and my heart.
In any case, I want to be caught by the word. And I want to catch it, too.
Sunday Shopping.
ICYMI, we have Magpie hats! You can buy them here. (Below: real men wear “bad book girl” hats. While dry-brining steak for dinner no less.). I am completely charmed by all your notes about these hats — several of you are buying to wear to your book clubs!
Also had a few piquant shopping notes for you today:
+I’m newly obsessed with this nude color of The Outset’s lip oasis. They sent me the full run of their tinted glosses and I LOVE THIS NUDE. It’s such a great product — hydrating, plumping, keeps lips glossy for a LONG time, but not tacky. I love it. Try the nude!
+Rag and Bone’s excellent Maxine button-down is on sale for $100 (!) in this great taupe/white colorway. I’ve never seen such a steep discount and the color is so good! This is A Really Good Shirt. I own in blue and I love it so much — has a silky, drapey feel to it. Looks super polished IRL.
+I can’t keep myself away from a pair of utility pants; these are en route to me now. I really like to write in pants like these (movement, have a utilitarian workhorse vibe that puts me in a good headspace — “I will be productive in these”) and I thought the drawstring and pocket details were cool. Also come in white. Did I mention they’re under $160, and they have this Nili Lotan vibe going on? Love. Also, my code JEN15 brings them down to $134.
+Not shopping, but really enjoying the new AppleTV+ show The Studio! A lot of stirring questions about the intersection between art and business.
+BREADCRUMBS VS. FIVE YEAR PLANS: I related deeply to this post by podcaster Cathy Heller. I believe in pointing yourself towards big goals — you need the north star — but everything transpires in tiny, fine-grained instances of intuition and opportunity. (There are no big breaks — lots of micro-breaks!)
+MAGGIE SMITH BOOK TOUR: I had the pleasure of attending an event with poet Maggie Smith this week; she’s just released a new book called Dear Writer, which is ostensibly about craft but really about living a rich creative life, rooted in noticing and wonderment. If you have a chance to see her on her book tour, you should; she is witty, wise, dynamic on stage, and I guarantee you’ll leave learning something. I was personally struck by her conversation about “hot” vs “cool” writing, in which she explained that sometimes it’s helpful to write the stuff that’s really hard to write about in the third person, or past tense, so that it’s a little cooler to work with. (Powerful, coming from a memoirist who wrote about the intimate details of her divorce!) She made the point that you can always bring it back to first person present when you’re comfortable with the material. A reminder of the fluidity of writing, its accommodations. The page is not a container! At the event, I watched a young woman take a full page of notes while listening to Smith, and it felt like the most bare-faced, optimistic act I’ve seen in a long time — I was so touched. Major ice cream moment.
+ALL JUDGMENT IS CONFESSION: Wow, this quote by Nikolai Tesla: “When you understand that every opinion is a vision loaded with personal history, you will begin to understand that all judgment is a confession.” I’ve heard this sentiment worded a bit differently elsewhere: “When you realize how often people cope by projecting, you learn to take nothing personally.” Extremely helpful footholds when you’re in the throes of unfair criticism.
+NON-PHYSICAL COMPLIMENTS: I loved this list of non-physical compliments to pay loved ones. I found it a helpful audit for myself with my children, too. What kinds of things am I praising in them? What do the patterns suggest about what we value? This reminded me of one of my daughter’s Montessori school teachers, who was always so thoughtful about encouraging the children in the classroom. I noticed she’d frequently say, “Wow, you worked so hard on that,” and “I love the colors you chose!” and “It’s so interesting you picked this shape!” Lots of little words of encouragement focused on their effort versus their output.
+EYEING + BUYING: Can you tell I’m ready for spring break?!
*Lots of incredible finds at J. Crew Factory for kids right now. Everything I like for boys here.
+RONNI NICOLE PLASTER ART: I can’t get over these beautiful plaster “wall candies” by Ronni Nicole. I just signed up for her newsletter in the hopes of getting my hands on one of her limited edition releases this spring. I also find her an interesting follow on Instagram — her thoughts on creative process and the business side of art reveal a beautiful curiosity.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
I had been waiting for weather warm enough for bare arms and could not WAIT to style this pink linen vest. You may also notice my new bag obsession making its debut here. I couldn’t believe (was shell shocked) when Tory Burch offered to send me a bag; I’ve been lusting after a Lee Radziwill bagforever. She is so elegant and substantial and ladylike!
You know I absolutely LOVE my white linen set from Frank and Eileen. Couldn’t wait to get it in this sand color for the season ahead, and was able to break it out one day this week when the temps shot up to 80 degrees in D.C.! I was happy as a clam to have my sandals out. I really like the cut of this linen shirt to pair with these boxer style shorts when it gets even warmer.
There is nothing I like more than hostessing while wearing an easy, breezy dress and bare feet. This sunshine-happy yellow gingham maxi from Mi Golondrina was the perfect fit! Runs a tad sheer, fyi; I wore a nude slip beneath.
I was in a stripe mood in the middle of this week — they were just sparking joy for me! The navy sweater is under $50 if you can believe it; I love it. I own in two colors and it reminds me of La Ligne. The red sweater and the oversized (wool and very warm) white/navy one ARE from La Ligne.
If this doesn’t demonstrate the strange swings in weather we’ve had this week…! One day, I’m bare-legged in Mille, and the next I’m bundled in Varley fleece.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
Earlier this week, a girlfriend and I were talking about how our late 30s and early 40s have been less about learning new things and more about unlearning old habits. We were talking mainly about our bodies — how what worked in terms of sleep, diet, exercise, alcohol, at 28 or 34 no longer holds true. I find this particularly resonant in the fitness realm, and evidently so do many of you; I’m still sifting through the excellent comments you left on last Saturday’s post about “gentler workouts.” One of you wrote: “I’ve come to realize that workouts still “count” when they’re gentler,” and I felt an inward twinge of sad sympathy. Because of course they count! And yet there we were, over-disciplining ourselves, depriving ourselves of the round joy of intentionally moving our bodies. And another wrote:
“It’s definitely a challenge to dial it back for some workouts. As a former runner who did a lot of 5k and 10k races, I like the competitive nature of the leaderboard but find myself still going hard during the 1 min cooldown at the end to get my output higher, which is not the point of cooldown! I do everything from low impact to HIIT & hills, but have been incorporating more low impact lately when my body is in the low energy phase of my cycle. Challenging to undo years of hard workout habits, especially when I haven’t felt a physical benefit from the new approach yet…but easier to be motivated to hop on the bike when I not feeling super energized.”
I found myself nodding vigorously. “Undoing years of hard workout habits” has been on my mind the past few years. It occurred to me at some point a few years ago that I was having trouble committing to a regular running regimen because I’d set the bar too high; it was impractical for my schedule and punishing to my body. I’ve since changed the formula and embraced more of a “fractional” mindset when it comes to fitness by introducing new exercise formats to break up the monotony, shortening my workouts, and making the goal more about moving my body than hitting any hard and fast goals on pace or mileage. Eventually, I stopped tracking my runs at all; the metrics simply weren’t helping me in any way. Now I just mark a calendar to signal to myself “I raised my heart rate for 20-30 minutes this day.” And that’s a more accurate way of measuring for my true fitness goals, which are a) mental wellness and b) overall heart health. But my God, the Jen of 28 or 32 would have rioted! This is embarrassing to share, but the Jen of even five years ago would leave for a run and not stop once — come hell or high water. My ankle would be screaming with pain, or I’d be pitched to the side with a nasty stomach cramp, and I’d keep going, believing that if I stopped, I’d somehow scrap the entire run. Nowadays, if my knee or hip or foot is bothering me, I stop and stretch. I walk for a bit. I dial it back. Young Jen would be appalled. But you know, that’s OK. What worked for her doesn’t work for me; “the past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” Maybe aging with grace is accepting these transitions at face value, with the humility of understanding my body is no longer that of a 22 year old. I must not cling to past habits because I was comfortable there, or because they gave me some private and abstract sense of success. If anything, I should thank the younger Jen for giving it all in her 20s and 30s; she brought me to a place of awareness.
There is a beautiful poem by Emory Hall:
Make peace with all the women you once were.
Lay flowers at their feet.
Offer them incense and honey and forgiveness….
Bless them and let them be.
For they are the bones of the temple you sit in now.
For they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea.
The rivers of wisdom we carry with us! Amen! What else have these straits of insight led us to undo, or unlearn, in our 30s and early 40s? Please share in the comments. I could write, for example, an entire second essay on the relationship things I’ve unlearned over the past decade. They mainly circle around themes of letting things go/letting people be, not waiting for the apology, and noticing — and investing in — the relationships that give back.
+If you need some encouragement on the eve of a big decision, or the start of something new: you’re gonna love it.
Shopping Break.
+J. Crew new arrivals are here! I feel like this linen popover dress will get a lot of wear, but how FUN are these patterned pants?! I ordered them! I also have this dress in my cart. It reminds me of a style I loved from Posse a season or two back.
+You must check out the new arrivals at J. Crew Factory for kids. My son loves these performance polos (super soft — he has in a few stripes; I love the lavender) but they just released some fun patterns that remind me of the ones from Rhoback. Also LOVE these Loro Piana-esque loafers for my son; ordering for Easter! And of course their dock shorts are summer staples year in and year out. Great price, good colors, not too long. (We also sneak them in as uniform shorts for him…). And for girls: this tankini and this one-piece, and these Jacadi-inspired shorts with these striped tanks!
+I’m not capable of contouring or any kind of complex makeup application, but I will say this Westman stick makes it easy to define cheekbones. You swipe a little bit beneath where you’d apply your blush on your cheeks — just under your cheekbones — and along your hairline and blend and it gives you such great definition! I have it in the biscuit color.
+Speaking of beauty though — Sephora’s spring promotion launches today for VIB Rouge (20% off sitewide). Add this moisturizer to your cart! I know so many of us are hooked on it. I alternate between that and the The Outset depending on what my skin needs. The InnBeauty formula is more plumping and hydrating — like a big wallop of moisture — whereas The Outset feels a bit lighter. Both absorb beautifully. Other beauty purchases I’ve recently loved: this Gucci bronzer (truly a holy grail product for me – so natural and believable; I took in the “2” color); my favorite mascara (and it’s $20!); and this eyeshadow palette. All my favorite Sephora buys here.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
By: Jen Shoop
Last year, in an effort to be on my own team, I made a single hat for myself that read: “Magpie Birding Club.” I was surprised by Magpie reader requests for replicas, and an idea was born! Today, I’m thrilled to make these hats available to all my Magpies -– a nod to our community of noticers! Officially join the flock! Shop the hats here.
While working on these hats, I wrote an essay about being “a secretly bad book girl” — someone socialized as a reader from a young age, but secretly insecure in her readerliness. I started to use the term more generally over a couple of additional musings, and the phrase stuck; I now use it to refer to any reader who reads against the grain, which is to say, all of us Magpies with our own preferences and idiosyncrasies. Whether you red lowbrow, read on a Kindle, read slowly, read fast, repeat-read, read things put down as “tripe” or “smut” — whatever it is — keep reading. Go on with your bad book self! Several Magpie readers wrote to request a hat displaying the phrase — so now you can snag a hat to broadcast that sentiment, too. Would make for elite book club swag! (Book club picks here.)
It seemed to come in off the water one morning, the change. Millie had gone down to the lake hammock with a book and come back as though looking at the world through display glass, her eyes watchful and her voice tempered. When Nora provoked her at the kitchen counter: “why wouldn’t you ask me if I wanted to go with you all?”, Millie returned a look that seemed to come from a long way away, as though across the lea that stood between their house and the Havertys’. “Come if you want,” she said, and then, while Nora let fly a mounting sequence of woundings, left the room. Nora’s cheeks turned pink, and her eyes flashed: “That’s really a nice way to treat your sister!” Bea returned to her knitting, pretending to untie something. “I can see you don’t care either, but what else is new,” Nora said, and then stormed out, slamming two doors in her wake. Bea collected her kit and went to the bay window. Millie was standing alone on the flagstone patio. She tapped on the glass, and Millie turned.
“Are you OK?” Bea mouthed. Millie nodded, and smiled her most polite smile, but Bea could see her hands were shaking. She walked down the steps and across the greensward that separated Never Moor from the Haverty house. Bea was inured at this point to Millie’s withholding; what had she expected? As the youngest, Bea never got a straight answer from Millie. Just the smoothing of linens, the benevolent outlook. “Oh no, it’s OK, don’t worry about it,” and “Hair always grows back,” and “She’ll get over it, Bea.” But it was strange, to have seen the ice in her eyes when she’d spoken with Nora. Hadn’t even rallied a reply. Hadn’t rushed in with a “you can’t mean that,” or “of course I want you there.” Bea knew it wasn’t fair to expect these generosities of Millie, who uncomplainingly sustained the full breadth of her parents’ expectations and the fiercest vagaries of her sister’s moods, but she found herself disheartened by their absence all the same.
Millie had been spending a lot of that summer on the lake with Cullen Haverty, and Bea suspected him in Millie’s cool. Cullen was the oldest of the Haverty brothers, and well-liked. “A stand-up guy,” Bea’s father called him. And Bea had observed this, too — that afternoon, when she was eight or nine, that they’d decided to take the Havertys’ new wood-paneled speed boat out, and Bea had run back to retrieve her forgotten hat, and by the time she’d returned to the dock, the boat had left a clean line of wake as it sped along the epilimnion. Her own sisters hadn’t noticed, but Cullen saw her, stopped the boat, and steered it back to shore, where he helped her onto it with one foot on the bow and one foot on the dock. Nora had laughed at the floppy fishing hat she’d brought with her — “but I’ll burn, Lenora!” Bea had interjected — and Millie had been apologizing for the delay on Bea’s behalf, but Cullen had just smiled and said, “We got you, Bea.”
But Cullen was also a dark universe. Bea had seen him smoking cigarettes behind the small shed by the dock, his brawny build leaning against the splintering wood as he looked out on the water, and standing in an intimidating huddle with other tall, good-looking friends he brought with him from his boarding school and, later, college. There was something unreachable about him in these formations; a tense and brooding energy that scared Bea. She’d once gotten underfoot while Cullen was tying the boat to the dock — had been reaching for her pen, which was rolling straight off the edge into the water, and tangled her feet with Cullen’s — and Cullen had silently moved her out of the way with firm, unyielding hands. The maneuver haunted Bea. She knew he was right — he was anchoring an expensive piece of equipment to a dock by himself and she was chasing an errant five-cent pen — but he made her feel as immaterial as the water drying on the wood planks beneath them: a slight, almost unnoticeable nuisance to unthinkingly deal with. Afterward, she reread his decency as a facade. Dependable, pleasant, unobjectionable, but cover for something else, some immovable iron core. When she crossed paths with him a few hours after the pen incident, he’d looked vacantly at her — “oh, hi, Bea” — as he turned to call something back to one of his brothers at the dock. Bea noticed a sun-or-age-browned copy of a book curled in the back pocket of his khakis, one she recognized from Millie’s nightstand. Bea felt the urge to roll her eyes. She doubted Cullen Haverty read in his free time; this, too, must have been part of the costume. Bea suspected her embarrassment at her own dockside clumsiness was unwittingly molding this view, but once thrown, the clay didn’t seem to budge much. When she watched him open the door at the grocery for Mrs. McKnight, and return an errant baby sock to a passing mother on Main Street, she found herself narrowing her eyes.
Millie and Nora would sit with the Haverty boys and their friends on their dock at night, passing beers between them, and Bea would watch from behind the shed, shivering in her flannel pajama pants. Nora was resplendent on those dock nights, the delicate bones of her cheeks lit by the moon, her long tanned legs folded like a sin beneath her short white skirt. When she spoke, she moved her wrists in circles that mesmerized even Bea; she couldn’t imagine what it was doing to the boys sitting beside her. But it was Millie Bea studied most carefully. She always knew the right thing to wear, even when it was Cullen’s borrowed prep school sweatshirt, the lettering faded and the hem obscuring her mini-dress. Cullen had taken it off, leaving his hair askew, and handed it to her without any conversation, and she had said: “That’s so kind” and slipped it over her slender body. Bea was struck by the out-of-generation earnestness of her response, by the way anyone else would have made a joke, or deflection: “Nah, are you sure?” Millie was this way: porcelain where one might expect blade. All of the boys seemed to make easy, laughing conversation with her while observing a crisp line when it came to her dignity. Bea overheard a visiting friend make an off-color joke at Millie’s expense, and all of the boys leapt in: “hey, shut up!” and “Jesus!” while Millie just shook her head lightly. The offending boy had later slung his arm around Millie, and Bea had watched Cullen stand and walk back to the house. Millie had noticed his departure, of course, though her countenance betrayed it; she read and played the dock perfectly. And Bea, from ten feet away, also found the scene easily legible. She was unsurprised, then, when Millie cleverly released herself from the boy by reaching for Nora’s shoulder in the midst of a story, artfully repositioning herself out of his grasp, then sat for a calculated five or six minutes in affable conversation, and finally excused herself under the cover of the late hour. Bea watched her tiptoe up to the Haverty house, and disappear inside.
She had no proof beyond this, but she knew something was happening between her sister and Cullen Haverty, and she was determined to stop it. She watched the Haverty house in quiet thought, turning away from Nora, and abandoning her to the dark.
+I own this large woven Altuzarra bag in a confetti color way, but adore it in the blue and white and it’s on serious sale right now! This is one of my most-worn bags.
