A week or two ago, I mentioned on Instagram that I’d had lunch with my mom and that anytime we’re together, I think of that quote from “Best in Show”: “We could talk or not talk for hours.” It’s a funny nonsense line in the film, but I meant it sincerely, in the sense that when we took a spa trip to the Inn at Perry Cabin in St. Michael’s earlier this year, we chit-chatted and prattled the entire time we were together, never losing steam or subject, occasionally falling into moments of companionable quiet before springing back into conversation, as though the thread could never be lost. A Magpie reader wrote in: “How did you get to be this way? I’d love this relationship with my daughter.”
The question startled me; no easy answer suggested itself except: “it’s the magic of my mother.” She is a saintly type: deeply generous with people, willing to see the best in anyone, sturdy and forbearing in her faith. I am deeply indulged by her attention: there is no one on earth who cares how I slept last night or whether I’m feeling better after last week’s little cold, but my mother does, and she takes care to ask after these and every other vicissitude in my life. She will listen to me talk and talk about my children — wondering after them, contemplating them, studying their behavior like tea leaves — and never stop me or change the subject or demonstrate anything other than pure interest. Keep going, she seems to say, as she listens patiently. I love everything you’re saying.
And so — I’m just lucky to have her. I was born to an actual saint!
Still, I’ve been reflecting on that Magpie’s question since it was posed, and wondering how I might find similar depth in my relationship with my own daughter as she grows up, too.
So let me ask you: Are you friends with your parents? How did you become friends?
As I carried the question around this past week, a few other observations suggested themselves as possible inputs into the strong mother-daughter relationship we have built:
+I’ve written about this a couple of times, but when I was seven or eight, I said something hateful about myself, and my mother stopped what she was doing, got down at my eye level, and said: “Don’t you ever say that about my best friend.” The moment changed me in the most profound ways. I saw myself as a full person, and one interesting enough to attract a grown-up’s attention. I also learned to be careful with my self-talk — I haven’t always made good on that, but it’s been a firmly-planted guardrail. Mainly, the comment animated my relationship with my mother in a new way, and I’ve never looked back. I think about this a lot with my own children: how can I demonstrate an analagous level of respect for them? I realize this runs against some of my earlier writings, where I’ve noted: “I am not my children’s friend; I am their parent,” but I think this is one of those parenting paradoxes where many things can be true at once: I must remember that I am the parent when implementing boundaries and ensuring their wellbeing is well-attended-to, and sometimes that means I am unpopular in my own home, and I can also build friendships with my children by treating them as full, round people with interesting things to say and preferences that should be honored. I aspire to model myself on my SIL on this front: she will pause conversation to make sure her daughter’s insight is heard, and express genuine interest in the observations of the children around her. It is the loveliest thing, the way she elevates their perspectives such that they are on even footing with those of the adults present.
+On the flipside, I see my mother as a full and round person — not “just” my mom. I consciously take an interest in what she’s interested in, ask her questions I’d ask my peers about their lives, check in with her just as I would my friends.
+My mother and I have highly compatible personalities. It feels effortless for us to sit and chat about anything under the sun; it seems that we are always starting from the same ledge. Similar views, values, ways of thinking of things. I wonder if some of our ease with one another stems from this? Are there are other Magpies who feel their parents are very different from them but are able to maintain closeness?
+This is an obvious one, but we prioritize time together. We get lunch a few times a month and make a point of coordinating manicures, dinners, day spa visits, etc as often as possible. I absolutely love spending time with her — she is warm and comforting, but can also be surprisingly silly. We laugh a lot.
+We pray together daily. My mother sends me a new prayer at the beginning of each week, and we send one another the praying hands emoji every morning to signify our asynchronous prayer.
+We solicit one another’s expertise. I value her motherhood advice (and especially her thoughts on childhood education — she was a Montessori school teacher), and she comes to me for The Important Stuff (what to wear, what to get my Dad for his birthday, etc) — lol. But in all seriousness, we do turn to one another for advice on a range of topics, and I think this has always made us feel valued and needed by one another.
+We keep things light. One of the things I love about my mom is that we can talk with the same level of intensiveness about hairbrushes and manicure colors as we will about parenting and faith. I love that we never have to qualify what we’re saying with “sorry to get heavy on you, but…” or “not to be too superficial, but…” As a result, everything bubbles up together in an easy, open, light-touch way.
+Heavy on the affection — always a big hug at hello and goodbye, and as many “I love yous” as we can possibly find space to introduce.
I have no idea whether these are, in fact, the cause of our closeness, but they seem germane to the subject. I’m curious to know what you might add from your own experience? I know, as with all things in life, there is no “one way” to do this!
Post-Scripts.
*Image above in memoriam the lovely Diane Keaton. What a loss.
+Aren’t we lucky to be children?
+Parenting and lucky passages.
Shopping Break.
+Updated my Shopbop hearts with so many fab new arrivals. I ordered this knit triangle scarf after seeing a Alice Pilate in a similar style here and two statement tops as we head into holiday: this SEA and this LaDoubleJ.
+Meanwhile, how epic is this velvet gown?! OOH LA LA.
+Sephora sale opens up for everyone today! All my picks here. What I ordered: this color-changing lip balm that turns the perfect shade of flushed pink, restock of my K18, this hyped lip mask, this little travel set to keep in my toiletry bag. Tempted by this “skin elixir” I’ve been hearing a lot about. Anyone tried?
+These sweatpant jeans have a cult following. I just ordered to try.
+This cashmere set for Thanksgiving travel / Black Friday shopping from the couch.
+Gorgeous new arrival from Tuckernuck.
+Ordered my kids this adorable $59 cashmere sweater — run, it’s selling fast. I got my daughter this skirt to match. Speaking of Quince, a Magpie reader just noted that this popular quilted vest was just restocked!
+And speaking of liner vests, OMG. I’m completely obsessed with this thin vest that apparently all the Scandi girls layer under their jackets and over their sweaters for warmth without the bulk. I’ve worn it basically every day since receiving. It keeps you unbelievably warm despite its thinness! I wore on a boat on the Chesapeake over the weekend and was so perfectly toasty the entire time! Cannot rec more. My friend bought the same one after seeing me with mine.
+Ruggable reached out and offered to send me one of their rugs. Has anyone used this brand? They are machine washable, which is absolutely brilliant — especially for an entry or kitchen rug. I love this fawn one, this Aztec print one, and this tile blue one for a kitchen, but we actually ordered this hazel Sierra style for our primary bedroom! We have been so focused on getting the first floor of our home decorated, we’ve saved our bedroom for last, and so we’re making do with the furniture we’ve had for years in there, but didn’t have a rug big enough. I used this helpful Schoolhouse guide to rug sizing to order an 8×10 for beneath our bed! I really like a neutral bedroom — something calm and soothing.
+It’s vest season I guess — did you see JA released a new longline velvet vest yesterday?! Insanely chic. I love the way she styles pieces like this down with jeans (these are the ones she’s often wearing — I ordered because of her)! Use code JEN-15 at Julia Amory for a price break!
+I really love the quilting and knot buttons on that vest! It reminded me of this RL jacket I swooned over, and this fun gingham one from Ciao Lucia.
+If you like the look of my scarf but want other colors/options: obsessed with this one in red, this camel cashmere, and this ribbed style.
+Two new elevated athleisure finds: this fleece and this sweater.
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Such a beautiful loving description of your mother – she sounds so lovely ….and is lucky to have you as a daughter! I was close to my parents but not quite best friends – mostly I knew that they were ALWAYS interested in me and what I was doing, concerned about etc. This was huge. I think (hope?) I do that for my adult girls also. Loved this piece. Thank you
I am certainly friends with both my parents, but especially my Mom! I live across the country now, but still talk to one or both of them daily. Things that I think have helped:
-Totally agree with the “looking from the same view” – my Mom and I are both physicians, and even physicians in the same small specialty. We can “talk shop” for hours.
-When I asked my Dad once what his favorite age of parenting was, he said his current phase of parenting adult children since he gets to just enjoy time with us. That has stuck with me, that he’s not longing for the past but really loves just spending time with myself and my brothers now!
-I think the perennial question adult children are asking their parents is “do you care about what I care about?/are you willing to enter into my life with me?” and my parents always are, whether it’s something big or small!
This is a good nudge for me to be more intentional with my parents! I wouldn’t say we are friends, exactly, but we are close – relationally and physically (they live down the street). My dad recently had shoulder surgery, so I’ve been delivering homemade muffins, cookies, letting their dog out, etc. And my girls are down there several times a week. Plus, we see each other in passing and do old school neighbor things like borrow sugar (usually me!) and my mom brought over some elderly bananas yesterday since I am the one who is likely to bake banana bread. But we don’t make plans to do lunch or coffee or manicures. This is going on my unofficial list of goals for this month! They take the dog on a walk at a county park every day, so I’m going to make a point to bring my dog to join them. It is truly a gift to have them so close! I love how much my kids love spending time with them – especially Mimi 🙂
This is so lovely — and of course it goes without saying that there are SO many ways to be close and it sounds like you are already making a lot of intentional time for them, so manicures and lunch may be just a cherry on top at some point. You actually reminded ME that my parents live only a five minute drive away and I would do well to stop by more often for little things — I love the idea of dropping off “elderly” bananas (haha, I laughed at that description).
Thanks Stephanie!
xx
YES, a huge resounding YES! I am friends with both my parents. Your relationship reminds me a lot of mine with my Mom. She is truly my best friend. We talk every day, text throughout the day, and no topic is off limits/too heavy/too silly. I’m in my mid-30’s so most of our friends have kids and I am frequently asked how our relationship got to be this way. I have a younger brother and she is equally as close to him as well. She is an incredible woman and I am SO lucky to be her daughter.
I also struggle with how to answer this question! She listened, she was always on my team, cheering me on but definitely still parented me when I was a wild teenager. My goal in life is to raise our daughter how she raised me and have a similiar relationship. I don’t know how she did it but they really are goals for my husband and I.
Aren’t we lucky?? Maybe we need to ask our moms – I’m going to chat with my mom about this when I see her Friday. I wonder what she’d say!
xx
I’m seeing my Mom on Friday and will ask her what she thinks! Stay tuned!
Can’t wait for her thoughts!
I am very close with my own mom, but I would not describe our relationship as a friendship. At the end of the day, she is still my mother and I am her daughter, however old we both may grow. And I mean that positively! It’s difficult to directly attribute our good relationship to any particular factor, but I can say that my mother has never once in her life said a critical/negative thing about my appearance (whether clothing, grooming, or immutable characteristics) and that did a LOT to lay the groundwork for long-term mutual trust and understanding.
I love this note about your mom. I think that’s a huge piece of it — feeling accepted and loved unconditionally, being given permission to be who you are in some way…
And FWIW I think there are many models for strong relationships — mother-daughter and otherwise. Like I think some of my friendships excel in certain ways, and others excel in different ways, but both are great. There is no ONE kind of strong mother-daughter relationship.
xx
Kelly, I am in awe of you. Reading parenting books so young to try to become the mother you wish you had broke my heart, but also shows your extraordinary character.
Amen, extraordinary character!!
Wow Jen, this gives rise to so many thoughts for me. First, the wonder at your mother and the relationship she’s cultivated with five children! Incredible. I really hope for the same with my own children. But second, my parents are not my friends. I had managed to keep things friendly with my dad for the last 15 years of my adult life (I became interested in beer, baking, and his music taste to give us a basis for things), but that blew up on my most recent trip home. I couldn’t ignore any longer that he was complicit in the things my mother inflicted on us, and that a part of me remained afraid of him, as I once was as a child in his house, and continues to unbalance our relationship. My mother is deeply manipulative, a compulsive liar, both childlike and refusing to protect my childhood, parentifying me from a young age, breaking all of our confidences t if it gained her attention, deeply unsafe and inconsistent in her reactions, clingy, and never respected our physical or personal autonomy. I have a notebook where she and I wrote back and forth to each other when I was around 8, and at the time it made me feel very important and cared for, but reading it now the things she is saying to me are deeply disturbing. And look, her own parents were nightmares, but I fundamentally don’t trust her, especially around my children. That’s tough, as a daughter.
I know my brothers have similar but different struggles, our relationships aren’t identical. And it’s tough in terms of relating to my very lovely mother in law because I come from a very different sort of family, in terms of what feels safe. I’m passionate about protecting my childrens’ privacy and the dignity of their struggles even within the extended family. If I have someone to actually ask legitimate advice from I will do so quietly, but not in my childrens’ hearing, and I won’t spread around their triumphs or struggles for conversation fodder, although I’m deeply proud of them. (You and your community are one of my most treasured sources of advice, for the record!)
I have been working on being a better mother than my mother since I was about 12 years old, reading parenting books, trying to become the mother I wish I had. It’s made me deeply thoughtful, but also maybe a little too hard on myself for my failings. It’s important to me that my children know I love them no matter what, and that I think they’re delightful people, and that we don’t need to like the same things or be the same way for me to care about them. I was such a little people pleaser and I see that in my eldest. I try to let them see how important they are to our family and its functioning, and that I miss them and look forward to being with them. Their little fierce hearts humble me with their love. I want to know them and be known by them for all my life, and I hope to remain a safe place for them to share their every thought. I love that you have that with your mother, it gives me hope.
Thanks for trusting us with your story, Kelly! Praying for you.
Kelly – I am so sorry to hear about the hurt and pain this relationship has caused you; I can’t imagine how difficult. No girl should experience that. I’m sending you so much love and healing!
I am so inspired by the way you’ve taken that painful part of your life and turned it into something so beautiful with your own children. I look up to you from afar; you are always so thoughtful, considered in everything you share with us, and you seem to observe your children so closely and lovingly. Thank you for being a mother figure to us here in the comments, leading by example!
Sending you love and peace —
xxx
Kelly, I have a similar relationship with my mother. And my choice to distance myself from her, and more importantly, from my daughter so that she can’t inflict on her as she did me, makes many people uncomfortable. But she’s your mother! I get so tired of hearing that. I have to always work to be less tolerant of my own discomfort with regard to my mother, and more tolerant of other people’s discomfort with it. It amazes me that people want me to engage in what I deem to be a harmful situation with my mother just so they don’t have to feel uncomfortable. I’m done with that. My daughter is in her 20s and she and I have a wonderful relationship so I take satisfaction that the generational dysfunction has been halted. You are not alone in navigating a difficult mother relationship. There are more of us than many people want to know. Your story really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing it.