*Chic pea above is wearing head to toe Oscar De La Renta.
I’ve had a lot of requests recently for suggestions for formal/semi-formal events this fall. ‘Tis the season, I s’pose. (I cringe to admit that I listened to the Charlie Brown Christmas album one recent Saturday. #dontjudge). Below, my favorite cocktail and evening dresses right now:
P.P.P.S. I’m not usually big on knock-offs, but I bought this laptop cover on a lark and don’t regret it for a second.
By: Jen Shoop
In the context of some of my home-centric posts over the last few weeks, I just discovered that Serena&Lily is running its annual friends and family sale and everything is 20% off with code HOMELOVE. I currently have a set of these dip-dyed stools in my cart because they seem endlessly versatile; I could just as easily imagine placing them in my bathroom to stow towels and perch on while mini bathes as I could in our entryway for holding my purse, our living room as a stand-in for a drink holder, our nursery for added decor, our bedroom for a potted plant. See below for additional styling options!
P.S. Did you know you’re supposed to clean your washing machine? Yikes. I did not. This brand gets good reviews. I looked at a few other brands and many users complained about the strong chemical odor they gave off. Separately, apparently you can clean your dishwasher by placing a Pyrex glass 2/3 full of white vinegar on the top rack and letting the dishwasher run. (Do these notes qualify me as Martha Stewart in training?)
P.P.S. These are literally the best laundry baskets ever. Super sturdy, don’t warp, and I love the handle design — makes carrying them so much easier and more comfortable. (Also — they stack easily!) However, I’ve also heard good things about these collapsible ones for those of us short on space. I manage to stow our basket above our dryer, but I probably would have bought these if I didn’t already have the Container Store brand when moving into our “petite” New York apartment. Finally, related to laundry: I love all things Laundress (in particular, I swear by their wool detergent and their crease release for keeping my bedding crisp between launderings), but have been somewhat disappointed in their signature detergent. I don’t think the scent is strong enough (and that was basically the entire reason for splurging on the detergent TBH — LOVE their signature scent) and I don’t think it’s tough enough on stains — and with a toddler, we have some major stains happening on a regular basis. I have gone back to using Mrs. Meyers’ products, which I think do a really powerful job of cleaning and leaving a fresh scent (and they do have a variety! I like the basil scent and the lavender scent.) For stains, though, it’s all about the Dreft spray. That stuff is POTENT and has worked magic on many items I had written off as permanently destroyed.
P.P.P.S. These tongs bring joy to my life. I can’t explain why. I suppose I like having just the right implement for preventing burnt fingers nearly every morning. (I have toast and fruit probably five out of seven mornings a week.) Beyond that, they’re the perfect length (have you ever used super-short or super-long tongs? The worst) and they have just the right amount of give to them. They also have a magnet so you can affix them to the side of your fridge if you’re nifty like that (I keep mine resting on the toaster top though). Anyway, that’s way more than you ever wanted to hear about toaster tongs. CODA.
P.P.P.P.S. OK, sorry for all the post scripts BUT I also wanted to mention that I ordered one of these kitchen rugs awhile ago and it is a delight. Inexpensive, stylish, comes in a range of lengths to accommodate your kitchen layout, and machine-washable (amen amen amen). It brings a kind of country chic to our traditional kitchen. I might order a second so I don’t have to go even a day without a clean one underfoot. (Also, Tilly loves curling up on it.)
By: Jen Shoop
I’ve found myself heady with deja vu the past couple of days walking Tilly through Central Park. The leaves are turning; the sky is November-gray. There is a chill in the air. I’m reminded of the evening walk Mr. Magpie and I took with a nine-month old mini after Thanksgiving dinner last fall. We’d decided to stay put in New York for the holiday because the move to Manhattan had done a number on us and we weren’t up for voluntary travel. The night prior, on an “insider’s tip,” we’d walked twenty blocks in brisk, 30 degree weather to watch Macy’s inflate the balloons for the Thanksgiving Day parade. We were smug with native Manhattanite knowledge: “we’re like the real New Yorkers,” we thought. The crowd at 79th and Columbus– comprised largely of tourists, we noted, with disappointment — was thick and stagnant; after 40 minutes of shivering and nary a Snoopy float in sight, we turned back, dispirited, and thawed out in our apartment with glasses of wine. “Well, we’re not insiders yet,” I shrugged, that all-too-familiar feeling of dislocation I’d been harboring since the move resurfacing unpleasantly.
The next morning, we left the apartment to walk Tilly and found our street deserted and eerily quiet. No cars, no foot traffic. We learned that Central Park West and many of the side streets perpendicular to it had been blocked off for the parade. Observers had been camping out on the banks of the street since early dawn. And here we were, casually walking our dog and happening upon the parade, mid-stride. We looked at each other: “No, now we’re like real New Yorkers.” We ambled along the largely-empty sidewalk in front of our building, a sparse crowd of maybe 10 people between us and the floats. We waved to Santa. We craned our necks to take in the Snoopy balloon, that specter we’d watched through our television sets on Thanksgiving mornings for thirty-some years. We thought: “Now this is magic.” I knew immediately that this moment, standing on the curb of CPW with my little family, would be a cornerstone memory in the story of how we fell in love with New York, how we’d come to be anointed as part of the New York tribe.
That night, before the Thanksgiving dinner we’d managed to pull off in our narrow galley kitchen, its counters about a tenth the size of the ones we’d enjoyed in Chicago, Mr. Magpie offered to read the Thanksgiving prayer my father has read every Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember. It’s written in my mother’s loopy script, photocopied so many times it’s faintly legible. Something swelled inside. Mr. Magpie is not a Catholic; he does not attend Mass with mini and I. And so I recognized in this gesture the depth of his commitment to the three of us as a family unit, adopted religious traditions and all.
“For food in a world where many walk in hunger;
For faith in a world where many walk in fear;
For friends in a world where many walk alone;
We give you thanks, O Lord.”
I bowed my head as he started to read these lines, but mini started squawking and I looked up at her. Mr. Magpie stopped after the second line, broke off abruptly. I glanced over, wondering if he was waiting for mini to settle down before he’d proceed, and noticed instead that he was clenching and unclenching his jaw. He cleared his throat once, then again. Then took a breath, and read the last two lines.
I walked around the table, squeezed his shoulder. We sat quietly for a minute, composing ourselves.
After dinner, I insisted mini and I accompany Mr. Magpie on his nightly walk with Tilly, though it was past mini’s bedtime and bone-chillingly cold outside. We poured some of the juicy, jammy zinfandel from dinner into a travel mug, buried mini in fleece, and headed out the door. We walked around the perimeter of Heckscher Ballfields in a satisfied haze, the crunch of leaves beneath our feet. The park was almost entirely empty. We moved together, a cluster in motion.
I have been revisiting this memory the last several days, feeling the same swell inside each and every time, startling myself with the prick of tears as I think of the clenching and unclenching of his jaw, the breaking of curfew to stroll together around the park, the prodigious gift of family when many walk alone.
Post-Scripts: Thinking Ahead to Thanksgiving.
+There is a recipe for sweet potatoes with crushed peanuts on top that will change your entire life in this cookbook (one of our all-time favorites). Please add it to your Thanksgiving day menu. You’re welcome. [Updated after publication on 10/10/18: One reader requested that I share the recipe here. I found it online here. The recipe calls for sorghum syrup, which my grocery does not carry, so I ordered it online here: http://bit.ly/2yrgCrK . If you’re like, “Great, now I’ll have 1/2 a jar of sorghum syrup I’ll never use,” worry not. I’ve used it as a substitute for molasses and honey in other recipes.]
+I like to get dressed up for Thanksgiving, and so does Mr. Magpie. But if your family is more casual, maybe a chic new sweater with your denim — something like this, which looks virtually identical to a Ganni sweater that costs about three or four times what this one does, or this. (Love the fur-cuff sweaters all over the place lately…)
+For those of us who prefer to get dolled up — last year, I bought a deep green velvet wrap dress from MISA. This is strikingly similar and far less expensive, and I also love this one in any of the colors. Would look great to pair the pink with a burgundy shoe, but navy and silver are festive on their own. I also love this velvet style from Saloni. There’s just something about the holidays that calls for velvet. Alternately, go on-trend with this, which has a kind of alluring 70s vibe to it that I’m into, and I love that golden color!, or this, which nails the prairie chic trend. (I’d wear the latter with black suede pumps.)
+In all likelihood, though, I think I’m buying this cream fit and flare number, which I can imagine myself wearing in infinite permutations. It would look great with emerald green or cranberry red accents for Thanksgiving.
+I have a number of friends and readers who are pregnant right now and have asked for input on styling for formal occasions. For Thanksgiving, I’d recommend this (not maternity but forgiving) with sleek black pointed toe mules or this (also comes in a cranberry color, but I prefer the ivory). Don’t forget the maternity tights.
+For minis: I ordered this for mini this year; she wore this smocked beauty last year. This floral smocked style could be super cute, though I must present a caveat for Cecil&Lou items — I find that they run a little baggy/loose/voluminous, which can have a kind of weird Little Lord Fauntleroy effect that I’m not into. I like a shorter hem and a trim fit on mini — think Shirley Temple. That said, I have found some really cute stuff from there and the prices are much better than elsewhere for the traditional look.
+Alternately for minis: I also like something less obviously Thanksgiving-themed, like this, this, or this. And then there’s that $25 H&M steal, which would be perfect for the occasion as well, especially with a pair of pom pom knee socks (mini owns these in multiple colors). Finally, love this with a big chocolate brown bow.
+For tabletop, I love my turkey tureen. Yes, it’s made the trek to New York with us, where it’s occupying precious shelf space. But I love it for some inexplicable reason. I like it against a linen runner like this, maybe with mini boxwoods as the greenery and a boxwood wreath on the wall. (As an aside, I still daydream about one day owning the Juliska Country Estate collection for Thanksgiving/fall. I love it so. And I also love these bird plates.)
After last week’s reader Q+A, I received a flurry of follow up requests but one jumped out at me as worthy of its own post: the best gifts to give a girlfriend.
After feeling frustrated by the gift round-ups I’d seen online (no but who really buys those things for friends?), I wrote a long post on gifts I’d actually give for Christmas last winter, and I’d still stand by every item on that list as a good starting point for those of us who want to keep the price tag under $150 (often, under $100 and even under $50).
I’d add a couple of new discoveries to this list, though — almost all of them $100 or less:
+I love to give friends my favorite beauty products. I can be borderline evangelical about the things I love that work well for me and I want all my cronies to get in on the action. This year, my favorite new beauty finds that will probably find their way into the hands of loved ones at upcoming celebrations are: Ole Henriksen’s truth serum ($48) and LaNeige’s Water Sleeping Mask ($25 — a new discovery and I’m INTO IT). I haven’t yet tried Summer Friday’s Jet Lag Mask ($48), but people have been going bananas over it and it might also be a solid pick for a friend who follows the beauty circuit closely. (Ahem, my sister Eleanor.)
+Zojirushi thermos ($28). These are THE ABSOLUTE BEST thermoses for coffee. They keep your beverages piping hot all day and are a dream to drink out of (I like the design of the lip). I love to give really high-quality everyday products like these to friends. (Check the reviews!)
+Scout foldable travel bag ($40). I can’t stop talking about this bag for travel. It weighs nothing, packs up into a small square, and has come into heavy use on every occasion I’ve used it, whether standing in as a laundry bag, toting beach gear, or serving as extra packing space when we’ve bought too much on the trip.
+An Everlane cashmere sweater ($100). I’m sorry if you’re tired of hearing about this, but I can’t get over the price for the quality, and I love the colors. Plus — who wouldn’t love opening a box with a plush cashmere sweater inside?!
+J. Crew dreamy joggers ($69.50). Guys. Guys. Guys. These are magic. I never want to take them off. They are super soft and, though I love J. Crew’s dreamy pants as well, I like that these are cuffed and not dragging on the ground. Also: they have pockets, which prove startlingly helpful for schlepping my phone around while I’m carrying mini, a glass of water, etc.
+I’ve given a few friends Smythson notebooks for various milestone occasions, like this one for engagements (<< on sale for $56!) and this one ($75) for pregnancies. They are luxurious and highly useful for those of us who are listmakers — plus, a little splurge-y something that we probably wouldn’t buy ourselves. In a similar vein, I love the idea of monogramming this passport wallet ($95 with monogram — be sure to sign up for emails to score 10% off) for a frequent traveler.
+A little over the $100 target range, but my favorite straw box clutch from the one and only Pam Munson (<< read my interview with her here!) just went on sale for $132. I absolutely adore this clutch and think it would make the perfect gift for gal with feminine, preppy style.
+An engraved gold bangle. I love the elegant cursive they use! I can imagine engraving a term of endearment/nickname on one of these for one of my sisters. I actually just now convinced myself I need to order one with mini’s name on it! (Also — this would be a wonderful gift for a little gal or guy celebrating First Communion.)
+A monogrammed jewelry round. My mom gave me one of these years ago (I believe from Leontine Linens) and I still use it to this day. These are the kinds of things that surprise you with their utility — oh, so nice to have a place to stow my pearl earrings at night! Or, now I don’t need to throw my jewelry in a plastic bag when I travel.
What other gifts do you have in mind for your loved ones? Recommendations?
P.S. If your friend is fashion-forward, you might pick something from here or here. And if you’re looking for a teen, check out the suggestions here — including the excellent reader comments!
P.P.S. Cherished the comments on this post. I want to give each of you a big fat hug.
+These under-the-bed shoe organizers. I had to be realistic with myself — I just wasn’t taking the time to properly return and organize all of my shoes to shoe bags and sort them neatly in the bins in my closet. Instead, I would line my shoes up underneath my bed, which inevitably turned into a mish-mash of shoes and a lot of crouching down, searching for a missing mate. These organizers prevent my shoes from getting dusty or scuffed down there and also promote a good “return policy.” I just cannot let myself toss my shoes under the bed when this is a literal inch away from making my life that much neater.
+These spice jars. Oh the deep and abiding joy these have given me. I used to reach up into an overstuffed bin, fishing around between baggies and jars, never quite sure where I’d find coriander or ginger, never completely convinced that we were actually out of peppercorns. Now I have the spices organized alphabetically into two identical bins, and each jar is labeled on the top so it is easy to scan and find. (And can we stop and talk about the labelmaker?! It is pretty much a neat freak’s best friend. So delightful.)
+These utility bins. I use them throughout our storage closets to organize lightbulbs, batteries, dog stuff, etc. I like them because they are neat-looking, inexpensive, and easy to wipe down. I also use these little bins for smaller things like different sizes of batteries, pens, etc.
+Underwear organizer. So, so much better than reaching into a pile. #thingsorganizedneatly
+Acrylic shelf dividers. A brilliant, unobtrusive way to keep sweaters/t-shirts organized on a closet shelf.
+Drawer organizers. I could probably buy 50 of these and still find uses for them all. These are ideal for “junk drawers” (sort rubber bands, clips, pens, etc.), desk drawers, and bedside tables.
+Beyond the physical tools that help me lead a tidy life, I also have my own processes for staying sane when it comes to day-to-day tasks. I use a thick day planner (like my mom…)to map out my to-dos against the calendar date. To make sure nothing slips through the cracks, I’ll jot down things I want to remember to tackle in the future, i.e., if I make a return at J. Crew today, I will write down on one day next week to “confirm return” or “track package.” If I emailed someone today asking for something, I’ll add a note two or three days hence reminding myself to follow up. I’ll add reminders to mail rent, to renew cards, to place the monthly order for our pantry/linen closet from Google Express. This in turn frees up the space in my mind otherwise occupied by fretting about whether I’ll remember to do something, or whether that package actually got there, or when I need to send the rent check in.
+I use Amazon’s subscribe and save program for items I order every single month so I don’t even need to think about them: laundry detergent, diapers, wipes, kitchen gloves, soap. I just set it and forget it.
+Whenever a box/delivery arrives, I immediately unwrap everything and stow the contents, break down the box, and dispose of the packaging. You’d be surprised at how much space the wrapping takes up and how much extra clutter it can add to your home. And — Captain Obvious here — how much more configurable items are when they aren’t bundled together. (Especially true of things like bar soap, toilet paper, toothpaste.)
+When I had a more traditional job and the volume of email I received was daunting, I used canned responses in Gmail like it was going out of style. Using this tool, you can pre-write responses. This was especially helpful when I was in a sales cycle and had a very repetitive series of messages I sent out, but it was also useful in another sense: I am an inbox zero gal, and I cannot get anything done until I’ve whittled my inbox down to nil. The only items that will be in my inbox at any given time are “open” or “pending” matters, i.e., orders that need to be delivered, conversations that need to be followed up on, etc. This was horrible for my productivity, as I’d often prioritize clearing out my inbox over meatier items on my to-do list. So I came up with a canned message that said: “Thank you for the email. I’ll get back to you by Tuesday.” Then, when a new email would come in, I’d triage, either responding immediately if it was urgent or archiving it with the tag “Tuesday Follow Up.” I’d then clear my Tuesday afternoon, sit down with a latte, and respond to all of the follow up emails in my “Tuesday Follow Up” archive. This meant my inbox was empty and that I wouldn’t accidentally forget to follow up with someone. Voila.
+Finally, and I’ve written about this exhaustively, but the app Wunderlist has been a true life-changer for Mr. Magpie and I. Wunderlist is a shareable list app that exists in the cloud, meaning that two of us can update the same list simultaneously. Genius. We use it to keep track of grocery lists (so whoever is at the grocery knows what we need), household tasks, checklists before travel, etc. We especially found it helpful before mini was born, as there were loads of admin items we needed to divvy up and tackle. I also use my own personal lists on a daily basis to keep track of errands that need to be run and — often — blog post ideas I have.
P.P.P.S. Aerin’s scalloped plates (I own them in white and with a blue trim!) now come in classic red for the holidays!!
By: Jen Shoop
My Latest Snag: The Molton Brown Body Wash.
I have been an enormous fan of Molton Brown for years now. I stock all our bathrooms with their handsoap and lotion, and have been a devotee of their bodywashes for ages, especially since most of the scents are gender neutral. Recently, I received a sample of their Heavenly Gingerlily Body Wash and I could not stop smelling myself. I noticed that the bottle was disappearing quickly, only to find that Mr. Magpie had gotten in on the good stuff, too — and he loved it. So, a full size was in order. Treat yourself!!
As an aside, loofahs are supposed to be fairgrounds for bacteria, so we’ve long since stopped using them. I’m intrigued by this well-reviewed silicone body scrubber as a substitute. (Check out reviews!)
+MUST READ THIS BOOK. I wrote a full review last weekend and a reader wrote in with some admirably strong opinions in reaction to my commentary. Worth a read! (I welcome the feedback!!!)
+My secret to avoiding huge dry cleaning bills in the winter months: I wash all my cashmere and wool by hand in the tub/sink with this.
+Super sharp blazer. I’ve been v. into the blazer look so far this season — I’ve been layering my glen plaid one as well as a camel colored one over blouses and tees with skinny jeans all the live long day.
My dad is deeply wise. He’s seen things — in war zones as a member of the 81st airborne, in the 70s as a civil liberties activist (of sorts — I don’t think he’d identify as an activist), in courtrooms and boardrooms as a corporate attorney, in his tireless efforts to curb veteran homelessness in Washington, D.C., as a parent to five children, as a confidante to countless friends. He’s lived about 34 lives in one. He’s brave, measured, scary-smart. And he does not mince words. His taciturnity means that he’s not big on small talk (sometimes when we shoot the breeze on the phone, I’ll wait breathlessly — where is the hammer?! What bomb is he about to drop?) and that, often, you’ll be sitting at his side and amidst casual re-caps of the book he’s reading or the itinerary for an upcoming trip, he’ll drop a gem of life wisdom on you with no preamble, and it will sit with you for the next few weeks.
Just this past weekend, we sat in the cozy living room of his home in N.W. D.C. while mini played in front of us. We were talking about neighborhoods in Manhattan — would we ever want to try a different one? Or maybe move uptown? He commented that his brother had lived at 114th street back when he was pursuing an advanced degree in chemistry at Columbia, and that there was a lovely Catholic Church up that way. After a pause, he added: “The church was under renovation for some time. One day, a gentleman walked by and saw men at work. He asked the first man: “What are you doing?” And the worker replied: “I’m mixing concrete to put between these stones to build this corner.” He moved onto the next: “What are you doing?” And the worker replied: “Building a cathedral.””
My Dad looked at me: “Don’t forget that. You want to be building a cathedral, not laying bricks.”
Coda.
#Shopaholic: Towels and Thangs.
+I love Matouk linens. They hold up well and come in elegant designs. I have used their Auberge towels for years (<<currently on sale!), but am currently considering investing in a set of their Cairo towels. I am in love with the piping around the edge. What an elegant look! I want the white set with the azure blue trim.
+Speaking of gracious: contemplating ordering one of these boxwood wreaths for our front door, or maybe this smaller one to hang permanently somewhere on a wall. They’re seasonless! I might tie a burlap bow on it during the winter, or maybe a black and white grosgrain one.
+I’m sending a box of these to a friend deserving a special surprise.
+This coin and key purse would be a really lovely gift for a college-aged student (or a Manhattanite who walks her dog regularly and does not want to tote a full bag every time she does). Goyard-esque!
+A simple, sleek solution for a nursery without much space for a changing table. (Honestly, I would have loved to have this in my master bedroom during the first few months! We ended up changing her at the foot of our bed most of the time. It would have been clutch to have a little station like this.)
+These tweed Monse heels are haunting me. I have literally nowhere to wear them (#kittenheelsorflatsonly RN) but I adore them. I’m imagining wearing them with deconstructed lighter-wash denim and this statement blouse when I’m in the mood to be trendy.
+Moms: what training potty did you use? I’m inclined towards this one. Pls discuss.
By: Jen Shoop
How do you build patience?
I could use some tips. I don’t know if it’s the fast pace of life in New York or the travails of raising a child, but I have seen in myself a shorter fuse than I’d like the last few weeks — and the last few days in particular. I’ll cut myself a little slack given that I’ve been without my other half for a week now (please come home, Mr. Magpie!), but there’s nary an excuse for a temper. Yesterday morning, after installing mini in her high chair with a full plate of some of her favorite breakfast foods (peach slices, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon raisin toast with butter), I dashed back to the kitchen to clean up and pack her lunch, as her nanny often picnics outside with her. I knew things were headed south when the room fell eerily quiet and I could actually make out the news from the TV, and — sure enough — I returned to find scrambled egg and soggy peaches strewn all over the living room, stuck to the walls and polished wood of our table and buffet, mashed into the carpet. She looked up innocently. I gritted my teeth. This has been a long and unwieldy battle of the wills for months now. My usual reaction is to impassively remove her food from her and declare that “breakfast is over” once she starts flinging her food. But today, the deed was already done. And I can’t explain why this situation got under my skin, but it did. I was fuming as I got down on my knees for what felt like the fourteen thousandth day in a row and got to work picking up soggy food and scraping it out of the carpet fibers.
Of course, it wasn’t truly mini’s fault. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have left her unattended, knowing about her food flinging propensities. I should have intervened at the first second of silence. I should be more consistent about disciplining her for throwing her food in the first place, and this might not have happened. It reminded me of something else: for months, I was able to bring mini into the bathroom with me while I was getting ready in the morning, and she would play happily, peacefully with her bath toys or my makeup brushes. Now, she is opening the toilet and splashing in the water, unspooling the toilet paper, opening the cabinets to get into everything she shouldn’t. The scene usually ends in tears of frustration on her end and a feeling of exasperation at eight-twelve a.m. on mine. It’s just recently dawned on me that I could do a better job of not letting her get into situations where she will cause trouble. I am setting her up for failure and then grimacing at the inevitable.
But even if I am able to avoid some pitfalls, there will still be instances of flung food, of diapers removed behind my back (ahem ahem, #lastnight), of cabinets unloaded of their wares, of crayon on the wall. And out of doors, too — there will be rude passengers on trains, daft tourists, presumptuous strangers. How can I build a reserve of patience for the inevitable frictions we encounter in life? I want to be the kind of person who is able to see beyond the petty frustration of a situation and empathize. Who cuts slack for other people. Who assumes the best of them. Who sees the humor in a flung egg alongside the wide-eyed, innocent look of toddlerhood. Who appreciates that these things do not matter, and that one day I will look back smilingly on the messy but colorful days of child-rearing. Who takes things in stride.
So here I am, frustrated with myself, taking a deep breath, saying a quick prayer, and asking for your tips on building forbearance!
Post Script: New Beauty Discoveries.
+After a string of long days and sleepless nights, my skin is looking a little dull. Though I continue to insist that this serum is kind of like turning on a lightbulb in your skin — and it majorly helps in the morning — I thought I’d double down by adding LaNeige’s well-reviewed Water Sleeping Mask into my routine. It promises to “recharge your dehydrated skin while you sleep” so you wake up with soft, glowing skin.
+I typically wear Laura Mercier’s tinted moisturizer during the day as it can be applied with my fingers and often without a mirror (ha), but I have been curious about Charlotte Tilbury’s cult following Flawless Filter for months now, especially after the gorgeous Grace Atwood recommended it. It’s en route to me now and I cannot wait.
+In the winter, when I’m more likely to wear foundation (and more likely to break out for some reason), I find that a primer is essential for preventing a caked-on look. I just bought Guerlain’s L’Or Radiance primer after a makeup artist raved about it. (He insisted it lasts a long time, which has held true of Guerlain’s bronzer, which I swear by. A single palette will last me a year or two — and I use it almost daily. I used to use Nars bronzer, but I found the formula crumbly and would often go through a palette every few months! Guerlain’s is well-packed and a little goes a long way.)
+I mentioned this earlier this week, but I picked up Dior’s BrowStyler after reading a lot of strong reviews and becoming a little disenchanted with Glossier’s BoyBrow. I think that “organized” brows completely transform a face.
+I like Smashbox’s felt-tip eyeliner but wanted a pencil eyeliner as well, as I think they’re a bit more versatile — you can smudge the pencil for a smokier eye; you can apply it thinly during the day. The felt-tip means you’re super exact and creates a specific kind of look — or at least, I can only achieve a specific kind of look with it (HA!) I did some research and came upon Marc Jacobs’ Highliner, which people rave about. The colors are interesting (I got dark gray) and it’s apparently very well-formulated.
+I’ve been so impressed with Chanel’s mascara base that I decided to try their eye shadow base as well. Most mornings I can’t be bothered by applying eye shadow, but I will apply a quick swipe of eye shadow base (usually Laura Mercier’s Eye Basics). We’ll see how Chanel compares!
+There are two French drugstore products that I’ve been reading a lot about lately, and I recently took the plunge on both. The first is Caudalie’s Beauty Elixir Spray. I want to use it to set my makeup when I’m heading out — I’ve been using a spray by Kopari that is OK but nothing special. People love the Caudalie stuff! The second is Embryolisse Lait Creme Concentre, which people go nuts over. I mentioned this product in an Instastory recently and instantly received evangelistic DMs about its wonders. It can be used as a face cream, a primer, or a makeup remover (!!!) I’ve also heard people use it after shaving their legs and even on children, as it’s very gentle. Seems like a genius addition to the makeup bag for a trip!
I received a bunch of messages about my solo voyage to D.C. with mini in tow (just returned yesterday!). The truth is that it went much better than I expected for about 7/8 of the trip. That last eighth was deeply trying — and not through any fault of mini’s, come to think of it. The challenges had more to do with multiple elevators being out of order on the subway route to/from Penn Station, which completely kicked my ass. I packed as light as I could, but lugging any amount of gear on top of a stroller and a writhing mini up and down steep steps while people edge by you and sweat drips down your brow? Um. No thanks. Gratefully, good samaritans stopped and helped me in all four elevator outage incidents. But FOUR outages?! Good Lord. What would happen if you were handicapped?! You’d just have to retrace your steps and leave? What is that? The other challenging part had more to do with timing the trip — more on that below in my top tips for traveling alone…
Buy a backpack. I don’t think the trip would have been nearly as easy without one. Mine (and I’ve written a lot about this, but I do love it) is feather-weight, sleek, and comfortable — and it carries a lot (including my 15″ laptop). I also appreciate that it has two cup pockets on each side, leaving mini’s water bottle easily accessible.
Pack light. I packed as little as humanly possible and planned to do laundry once while there. I also had my mom pick up diapers and wipes for me so I wouldn’t need to tote all that bulk around; in other circumstances, I’ve had those items shipped to my destination or have skipped out to the grocery on arrival. I even left mini’s beloved blanket behind because it’s pretty bulky. (She was fine without it.) I managed to fit everything we needed for five days into my backpack, this super lightweight foldable Scout duffel, and mini’s Kanken, which I reserved for just her own activities. I love that Scout bag because its handles/strap are convenient (easy to carry) and it weighs nothing on its own.
Separate mini’s stuff from yours. I used packing cubes to keep our clothing separate, which helped when I was in need of a spare burp cloth en route down to D.C. Easier to find everything!
Leave early — but not too early. I’m generally inclined to arrive early when traveling; why stress about cutting things too close? But with mini, there’s a different calculus involved, as I don’t want to extend the amount of time she’ll be contained or in her stroller or able to get into mischief. (Ahem, licking the wall of the waiting area at Penn Station…wahhhh.) We left a little too early on the return trip to New York and I think that contributed to a really bumpy last thirty minutes of the train. That said, we did manage to run off a lot of energy while killing time in the train station!
If you’re taking the train and it’s available, use the Red Cap service. I didn’t know about this, but you can ask for special assistance boarding a train using a “Red Cap.” They’ll take your bags for you while you’re waiting and come find you to let you know when it’s time to board — which can be as early as 25 minutes in advance of general boarding! Then they carry your bags for you and get you situated on the train, all for a tip of $5 or $10. This was incredibly helpful both directions with mini.
Be friendly to the ticket guy. I shot the breeze with the gentleman taking tickets aboard the train and as he left he said: “You know, I’ll punch two tickets for these seats so you have a little extra space.” I was delighted! We had the entire row to ourselves on the return trip.
Pack more snacks then you think you’ll need. A friend of mine texted me and said: “When in doubt, snacks and videos. Then more snacks.” Some of my favorite things to feed mini these days while on the go: an apple (she loves to gnaw on it whole, an activity that will usually consume about 30 minutes), raisins, Made Good soft baked mini cookies (<<these make a mess; you’ve been warned), veggie chips/straws, diced fruit, string cheese. I think she had all of these things plus half a sandwich and bites of my granola bar on the trip down alone.
Keep surprises in reserve. I was eager to let her play with everything I’d packed for her (and I kept all her activities/toys in her own little backpack), but — smartly, as it turned out — kept a couple of items in reserve for desperate measures. I packed a coloring book and crayons (which were kept in a zippered pouch and doled out on a one-in-one-out basis), a couple of packs of inexpensive stickers, a new book (<<very cute book but do not recommend it for the train, because you will self-consciously read it aloud in front of strangers only to find yourself yelling “HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG” over and over like a crazy person), several of her favorite books (including Curious George, which is delightfully long but she will sit through), her dollbaby, this little play purse, and these flashcards, which she loves handing to me one by one. All in, all of these items took up very little space and were easy to configure in a backpack. I kept a charged iPad (in this protective sleeve — easy for her to hold, and can also stand on its own) with Moana downloaded on it (which I did use both ways) in my own backpack along with these headphones, which she refused to wear.
Time the trip as best you can around his/her nap.* Mini was well-behaved and happy most of both train rides, but the last thirty minutes of the train trip back were brutal because of poor timing with her nap. She usually goes down for a nap between 1 and 1:30, but the train didn’t pull into Penn Station until 1:50. She was exhausted! I didn’t know what to do; if she fell asleep on the train, I knew she’d wake up once we were getting off the train and I’d need to put her in her stroller, and she would be unhappy. But keeping her up felt cruel, especially since she’d slept poorly the night prior. All of that worrying was moot since she was cranky and exhausted but nowhere near falling asleep on the train — she was hellbent on screaming and flailing around instead. So I spent the last twenty minutes walking up and down the aisle, looking through her bag with her, distracting her, playing La Vaca Lola on my phone — and trying not to anger too many people with her sobs. The worst bit came when we got off the train and I had to put her in her stroller. She went ballistic, contorting into an inverted “c” when I’d tried to buckle her in as I jostled our bags around and people dodged me on the train platform. I’ve dealt with stroller resistance in the past, but this was next level. She was apoplectic. She screamed for ten minutes as I wheeled her toward the subway and navigated out of order elevators. Fun family time! All this to say — if it’s at all an option, I would aim to travel early (pre-nap) or sync the travel time with her nap time so you can aim to get her to sleep while in transit. *Big asterisk: also take into account which trains will be operated during peak hours. I was so fortunate to have a spare seat next to me most of the train ride to D.C. and all of the train ride back. I would avoid peak travel times.
Take a deep breath. I kept thinking to myself: “There are so many thousands of moms that travel all the time with their kids on their own. You are not a special snowflake. You can do this just like all of them.” And I tried, too, to have fun with mini in the moments we could — like when the Red Cap pre-boarded us and we had the entire car to ourselves. We ran up and down the aisles (until she fell and got a rugburn on her cheek — whoops), looked out all the windows, and climbed onto and off of the seats repeatedly. It’s easy to let the perceived stress of the situation get in the way, but my perspective changed when I tried to think about the experience as a novel, exciting one through her eyes.
OK, traveling mom veterans — what other tips do you have up your sleeve? I’ve heard play-dough and painter’s tape are good go-tos for slightly older children!
P.P.S. Bloomingdale’s is running a 25% off friends-and-family event. Now is a good time to stock up on my favorite brand of infant sleepwear: Kissy Kissy. If you are expecting, snag one of these in the newborn size as a coming-home outfit! The softest cotton ever!
By: Jen Shoop
I so thoroughly enjoy receiving emails and direct messages from you (P.S. — I’ve started a new Instagram handle, @thefashionmagpie, that features more shopping finds and more musings if you care to follow along) and thought I’d share a couple of recent exchanges here…
Q: I was invited to a black tie Havana Nights party. I already ordered the one shoulder Topshop dress and I am OBSESSED! I think that could work? Let me know if you come across anything else. It is at a fancy old school country club…
A: I think that’s the perfect dress! It’s hard to tell with black tie what you’re supposed to wear as a woman — you no longer need to wear floor length, so you can get away with a lot. I think your cocktail dress pick is perfection, especially since 80s are so IN for evening wear! I feel like everyone else will be wearing red (right? Havana Nights?) and you’ll stand out with that dramatic shoulder situation. The only other thing that came to mind was Sachin & Babi; Outnet has a bunch of their pieces on sale and they are very CHA CHA CHA — sort of Johanna Ortiz-esque, like this one. (Also, Johanna Ortiz would be the perfect label for this event, though her pieces are very expensive. Something like this would be right on the money).
Q: I’m looking for a wall-mounted light fixture for the wide entryway in our home. I’d like it to project a lot of light since the space is so big but am debating between something more traditional or more artsy. Any recommendations?
A: I like this one because of its large dimensions and it has a good balance of tradition and modernity to it. I know you said your main concern is projecting a lot of light but I also LOVE this one — not sure if the shade will make it too dim for your taste, but it feels so finished and elegant. The texture that the shade introduces would also make the room feel finished. This is pricey but how cool?! I love that it comes in different colors to add some interest to an area that is typically otherwise unremarkable. (The green!) I’m guessing this is just way too funky/modern, but see below image of a similar style in a traditional setting, and it looks amazing.
Q: I’m currently in the market for a bowtie for my beau. We went to a wedding recently and he borrowed a really nice artistic/hipster bowtie from a friend. It was dark brown and had a bunny print on it. While he was reluctant to wear it at first since it was his first time wearing a bowtie, he got a million compliments and loved it by the end of the night. I’d like to get him a bowtie for his birthday next month, and I’m having trouble finding a nice one. Do you have any bowtie brand recommendations that I could check out? I’m getting a little lost in the zillion options on Etsy.
A: My first thought was Vineyard Vines — they are classic and have fun animal prints. Mr. Magpie owns this crab tie as a nod to his Mid-Atlantic roots and deep and abiding passion for bluecrabs. Something like this is a bit more subdued but still has a fun print to it. VV might be a little bit preppy based on what you described, though (not sure!), so a few other thoughts —
My favorite men’s clothing store for gifts is Paul Stuart. They have the most elegant, timeless pieces and I’ve bought many special items for Mr. Magpie there. Check out their selection, though they are a little pricier.
This one is on sale though and has a similar vibe to the one you described — darker/more fall appropriate colors and a small animal print. Super handsome!
Finally, these ones from High Cotton are on the more “hipster” side of the spectrum and might be right up his alley. Maybe this one with the mallards or this one with the flies, depending on his interests?
Q: Hey! I am in need of a dress for myself for my daughter’s baptism at the end of the month. I live in the South, so it will probably still be hot here. I love your taste! You have a knack for picking pretty outfits that are perfect for the occasion. Any suggestions would be much appreciated! Thank you!
A: This was a fun challenge. I’m including a bunch of options I would consider, at a range of price points:
+I just ordered this polka dot lovely from Zara, and think it would look elegant with some simple black pumps for the occasion. It looks like the designer Alexandra Rich!
For some reason I felt I needed to wear a white dress to my daughter’s Baptism (it was summer, though) — if you feel similarly compelled, I love this (under $130!) or this in chic, creamy off-white.
Q: My friend has been trying to get pregnant for years and is finally through the first trimester. Is there any gift I can give her?
A: So sweet of you. My go-to gift for moms to be is Clarins body tonic oil. I slathered it on religiously during my pregnancy and have zero stretch marks. I know that stretch marks are partly genetic, etc., but there’s still something so lovely and extravagant about receiving a self-care beauty product like this that you might not otherwise splurge on yourself. I’ve also gifted a friend a few pairs of these maternity underwear which I know sounds weird but they are HEAVEN when you get to your third trimester! I was so reluctant to buy a pair of $23 maternity underwear that would only be worn for a few weeks, but the days these came out of the laundry were always happy days for me. HA! The little things.
If those two gifts feel too intimate (I get it), I also have sent friends caffeine-free tea samplers from David’s Tea along with tea bags and measuring spoons. I got into such a tea ritual while pregnant; it was such an indulgence after dinner when I’d usually have been enjoying a glass of wine.
If you are really looking to splurge: these jammies were the best thing that ever happened to me in the final few months of my pregnancy.
P.S. Things I am currently eyeballing:
+This Alice McCall gown. 10 out of 10. Ice blue! I am SO into this color right now. I wish I had an event to wear this to…
+This satin hair bow. My hair is currently chopped into a bob so I don’t think it will work for me right now, but it would look adorable in longer tresses. I might opt for this velvet headband instead…
+J. Brand denim is my all time favorite, and they are running 25% off all purchases through tonight. If you are preggo, I strongly encourage you to consider investing in a pair of Mama Js. A friend recommended these to me, and I have recommended them to at least a dozen other expecting mamas since and they are AMAZING. So comfortable and so flattering. Not preggo: I absolutely love J. Brand’s photoready line of denim. It has just the right amount of stretch and creates a killer silhouette. I’m intrigued by their new photoready HD variation…
Plaid is everywhere right now, especially in the form of the must-have glen plaid blazer for this fall. But I’ve also started lusting after plaid blouses — the perfect way to add interest to your outfit without requiring too much effort. Below, my top picks:
THIS NAVY FLANNEL, WHICH I’D WEAR TUCKED INTO HIGH-WAISTED DENIM AND UNBUTTONED TO THERE WITH HEELS
Along with puffed sleeves, square necklines have been a lovely little surprise to this season’s round-up of trendy shapes, thanks, in large part, to Arielle Charnas, whose Something Navy line for Nordstrom (shown above) nearly sold out in 2 hours flat earlier this week. I wish I’d acted faster on some of these pieces — especially this square-neck top, shown above. Instead, I scratched this itch with this J. Crew find. I also love this saucy style in the ivory colorway.
#Turbothot: On Elizabeth Holmes, Female Entrepeneurship, + Bad Blood.
Can we talk about Carreyrou’s gripping expose on Theranos and its young and ambitious founder, Elizabeth Holmes?
I feel 34 different ways about this book.
On the one hand, I truly hate that this is one of the few narratives we have of female entrepreneurship in the technology sector, a notorious boys club if there ever was one. Though Carreyrou clearly sets Holmes up as a sociopath from page one of the book — a portrait that is difficult to dispute given the chain of decisions she makes as the plot unfolds — I found myself gritting my teeth willfully: “Harrumph, why is she being criticized for adopting the same exact methods that so many male entrepreneurs use?” And by that I mean the fake-it-til-you-make-it mentality so prevalent in the startup scene. If you take time to listen to any of the many podcasts featuring (almost all-male) entrepreneurs who have “made it” (and I listened to dozens and dozens back in my startup days, many of them from the series Rocketship, Startup, and Lean Startup), the storyline is shockingly unvaried: “I was down to my last dime, and I was shipping a product that was crawling with bugs/vaporware/at best a vast oversimplification of what I was selling, and — at the last hour, I got a call from so-and-so saying he wanted in on my funding round. Then we hustled. We faked it til we made it.” These entrepreneurs revel in their mild deceitfulness, spinning it as good salesmanship and a commitment to vision. This mentality held true among the dozens of entrepreneurs I knew and sought counsel from when I was building a business. They were careful not to lie, exactly, but — fuzziness on the details? “Optimism” in the projections? Yes. One of the most important slides in an early (pre-seed-round) pitch deck is the one covering “sales” or “traction” — and this was a notorious site of overinflation of the facts. I recall many founders talking about having met once with a company, or having set one meeting in the future with a company, and then listing that company’s name as “in talks for a contract” on said slide. This was a strategic though risky move on their part, as — in the pre-seed phase — financial projections mean literally nothing to investors, as they could just as well be spun from thin air; what matters more at this stage are the commitments from potential customers, and the bigger the names, the better. They act as indicators for your trustworthiness as an entrepreneur and the strength of your network, an important calculation because if you are a well-connected guy or gal, you will likely be able to build your business to the point of proof-of-concept by trading in on favors. And you can use those favors to test your MVP, or minimum viable product, for feedback prior to settling into true salesmanship and marketing to the unknown public. But I digress. My point is this: a lot of the “stunts” Elizabeth pulls early in the book are par for the course, in my opinion, in the startup world. Why is the startup world this way, you might wonder? I don’t know! I think part of it is sewn into the culture that’s been cultivated, a sort of mythology perpetuated by founders themselves who have made it. But I also think that entrepreneurs that project unbridled ambition, conviction, passion, I-live-and-breathe-this-business are rewarded by the funding mechanisms that exist in that industry, i.e., the venture capitalists who invest in the space. There is something hand-and-glove about the kinds of VCs I met and the kinds of entrepreneurs that got funded. They both run hot.
BUT. Holmes completely ran afoul of ethics in how far she took her blustering deceitfulness about the state of her product. Yes, it’s one thing to overstate contracts in an early pitch deck, to ship an early version of a technology that doesn’t quite work when it will be used in an office setting to streamline expense reports. It’s an entirely different thing to knowingly permit actual patients to use a medical technology that is so inaccurate it can’t be trusted as if it works — and to let them deal with the horrifying aftermath of those inaccuracies. Can you imagine?! I can’t. It puts a pit the size of Texas in my stomach.
So as much as I wish this narrative had never happened –as much as I wish Holmes has been a different person and there were a rosier picture of the female entrepreneur that we could rally around — the fact of the matter is that Holmes committed unconscionable acts that put innocent people in danger/at risk simply to achieve…something. I say something because I’m not sure what she was after. There are indications early in her life that her childhood ambition was to be a billionaire. Later, she seems swept up in the cult of Steve Jobs’ genius and personality, and she fashions herself as a second Jobs, even wearing black turtlenecks and committing to extreme diets “just like Steve.” And so she seems set on achieving a legacy for herself as a creative genius. In my analysis, I believe her to have been an uber-bright, uber-ambitious, uber-accomplished young woman who gained early exposure to folks at the top of their fields through the social cunning of her parents and the high-pedigree schools she attended that whet her appetite for financial and professional success. She then used her brilliance and charm to convince people of her noble vision for a breakthrough in medical technology (a great idea, by the way, if it worked). I know a couple of entrepreneurs who were like this at their start — super young and super inexperienced but able to project a kind of purity of vision, a boldness and determination, that led older people to stop and say: “Well DAMN. This person is driven.” And, I think, there was an avuncularity to the kind of support and investments she was able to curry: “This gal could be my daughter! My niece! I’d like to help her!” In this sense, I think her gender helped her earn the affection and trust of many of the well-heeled, well-respected (MALE!) investors and business leaders who championed her: she was a whip-smart young firecracker (using those words intentionally) they could take under their wing and, likely, mold to their own needs. At some point, she’s arranged such a powerhouse ring of supporters that their presence exonerated her from any question marks one might have had. “Well, shucks. It sounds phony but…Henry Kissinger and Bill Frist and General Mattis are standing behind her, so…who am I to object?”
Oh boy, I could go on and on about this, but in the end, I think the story demonstrates just how impressionable people can be — just how easily they can be manipulated, how much business is impacted by personality, how convincing it can be to see someone impressive on a board and to assume that they’ve done their due diligence and use them as a vouchsafe for someone’s integrity. How human, in other words, we all are, even in the most numbers-driven of fields.
#Shopaholic: The Ladylike Dress.
+I’m swooning over this ladylike dress! Adore it in the white color. I’d pair with these my ivory Rockstud flats.
+These fringe mules (on sale for $43!) have such a great Aquazzura vibe to them.
+Faux (or dried!) stems are such a great way to introduce green into your home without the commitment of a live plant. I have used dried eucalyptus branches, lavender, etc to accent my shelves. These faux stems are great for the same reason. I especially love the dusty laurel stems.
+This sweater is AMAZING. I love it! Would look so chic layered with a gray skirt underneath a gray coat.
+This speckled vase has an artisanal quality to it that I love. Can you imagine it on bare light-wood shelves in a rustic-modern cabin?! I’d use it to arrange flowers in.
+This skirt (on sale for $62!) has a Prada vibe to it.
+My manicurist talked me into trying the polish brand Smith&Cult, claiming it was gentler on the nails, lasted longer, and had the best colors. I can’t dispute the color comment: their “Kundalini Hustle” is just the kind of candy apple red I gravitate toward. I found that it does not last as long as the Essie Gel Couture colors, but far longer than any other polish I’ve tried. Very strongly recommend.
+Ordered this tee in multiples. I love a super-thin, super-soft layering tee for wearing under sweaters in the winter, and the colors are great.
+I need to investigate the quality in person, but this looks just like the ultra-covetable Saks Potts sweaters that came out a season or two ago (<<marked down to 70% off here for some reason! Vite vite!)
By: Jen Shoop
A couple weeks ago, I sat down to coffee with a dear friend and we talked about this, that, and the other thing before the conversation funneled into the familiar territory in which I so commonly find myself when talking with women in their 30s: careers and babies and how to juggle the two. I have an unusual arrangement in this regard, as I have a nanny three days a week so I can write, and then I’m a stay at home mom the other two — and so I often sit back and listen to these conversations noddingly though without input, as I feel I’m not qualified to comment on either of the two more common arrangements: full-time working mother or full-time SAHM. I am always struck by the overtones of guilt and defensiveness that permeate these conversations, and they leave me sad and philosophical. That day, though, I was rattled by something my friend said:
“A friend of mine told me she felt she had to work outside the home after they had children because she wanted to remain interesting to her husband.”
Remain interesting to her husband. The words lingered in the air like cigarette smoke, sickening me. At first, I scoffed at it, summarily dismissing the inane sentiment that career woman = interesting and mother = boring. The notion that my intelligence or ability to spar and ideate might be tarnished, diminished, or somehow rubbed off by my new role as a mother — what is that?!
And yet it would be disingenuous to say that I didn’t get it. I thought immediately of a brainstorm I once led with my management team at a former job about how best to resolve a complicated workflow issue. It was stimulating, requiring ingenuity and nimbleness of thought. We clustered together in a small conference room around a white board, tossing out ideas, citing articles we’d read. I navigated the dynamics in the room, dodging tempers, appeasing big personalities, coaxing quiet-but-smart types to contribute. I facilitated the conversation to its resolution and offered to spearhead the implementation. On the way out, my boss gestured to the small war room we’d just been in and said: “You’re good at that. Thanks.” It was not an earth-shattering accomplishment, but I felt respected and intellectually challenged and, well, like a grown-up businesswoman who had earned her keep. I was also eager to replay the conversation to Mr. Magpie that night, to get his perspective, to impress him, to pass along the compliment I’d received.
I in turn thought about the myriad lively exchanges I’ve had with Mr. Magpie on matters of business, management, workplace culture, product–often empassioned, often accompanied by wine, always showcasing just how invested we have been in our jobs and our teams. And I thought of the time he sat in an audience of over 200 while I delivered a Ted-talk-like presentation on designing products to improve the financial health of low-income youth and afterward came up to me with his eyes rimmed in red: “I am so, so proud of you.” Gulping something back, seeing me in a new light. The time a coach from a female entrepreneurship event I was participating in asked him at a cocktail party: “How does it feel to play second fiddle to this woman?” (I hated her for saying that, for invoking some kind of weird gender role dynamic, for belittling him — but I loved how he shrugged it off and shut her up with a polite: “It feels great.” And my heart doubled.) The times he would squeeze my hand or give me a thumbs up just before or after a big meeting or presentation when we ran a business together. His enthusiastic — “Yes…yes! That’s awesome!” — when I would mock up a new product feature or run through a new phrasing in our sale pitch. The way he would excitedly pace from one end of our kitchen to the other while mulling something over, electric with energy, prodigious with thought. The feeling of being his equal, of being respected and trusted and leaned upon in all things as his co-founder.
The thought that I could lose this interest and respect was new and devastating to consider. I wondered, suddenly, how he saw me after all. I wondered if the slow and inevitable transition in dinnerplace conversation from business matters to baby food would gradually take its toll, whether slowly he would start carrying his workplace musings elsewhere, would assume I was too disconnected to comprehend or empathize with them.
I fretted over this for the better part of a week. I intentionally kept our evening discussions far afield from mini’s evolved nap schedule and the new bibs I’d just ordered. I asked about his day, asked after what had happened with a new project, offered my own perspective. I contemplated telling him what was on my mind, but knew exactly what he would say to me: “You’re being ridiculous.”
And, well — I was.
I am still the first person Mr. Magpie turns to for help with wordsmithing. I routinely edit his emails to colleagues, letters of recommendation he has penned for members of his team, materials for his presentations. Usually they’re already flawless, but I nitpick anyway, knowing he wants another set of eyes — or, sometimes, the pat on the back he deserves.
He will often call me in search of my perspective on matters related to management. “This just happened…what do you think?” Or, “What would you say to this person?” I always oblige.
He recently contemplated inviting me into his office to help with a product design training he was trying to run, as I have facilitated them in the past. I was flattered that he would think of me and trust me in front of his new team.
So, I guess I’ve still got it.
And so I have decided to place that corrosive concern in an enormous wooden chest, lock it with a key, and toss it overboard. Or maybe burn it first and then toss its ashes overboard, just so there’s never a chance it can come floating back to me. I don’t need that deadweight, that extra burden of guilt and self-doubt.
But mainly I am writing this to say to the other moms out there who might be grappling with the same fear: don’t let your motherliness sit as a counterbalance to yourself. By that I mean that motherhood is a part of me — not another version of me, and also not all of me. In this sense, the notion that I might become uninteresting to my husband as a stay at home mom betrays a false dichotomy. It presumes that we are different people in the home vs. at the workplace. But I am not. I am me everywhere I go, whether I am pushing a stroller or leading a sales call. I am the same observant, dare I say interesting person. And so are you.
+Hold the phone. J.Crew just came out with a jogger version of their dreamy pant, which — as you know — is pretty much the most comfortable thing ever created, and I own it in multiples. Ordered immediately. (These cost less and come in great colors, too.)
+I’m in a cashmere state of mind apparently. Has anyone ever bought any pieces from White+Warren? I’m drooling over this in the pearl white and this bell-sleeved beauty.
+You must read this book. It is so juicy and mind-boggling and fascinating. I need to unpack what I feel about it. I actually worked for someone startlingly similar to the Holmes described in this book and so it struck a deep chord with me.
