I have amassed a weighty collection of learnings and observations on adapting to life with two children, but there is one I have returned to many times, and it arrived early, just days after micro was born, when I was living off fumes — riddled with joy, pain, exhaustion, nerves, and relief — and closing in on 48 hours of sleeplessness. I had the first of many meltdowns induced by pain and fatigue, and after sobbing about nothing and everything, Mr. Magpie quietly suggested I “just put down the baby,” pointing out that I had scarcely let him out of my arms since he had been born two days prior. This was an exaggeration, but it was not far from the truth. And so we sent micro off to the nursery, and instead of the feeling of bereftness I anticipated, I slept soundly for two hours, until a nurse returned micro, urgently, to my room to be fed.
I have revisited this seemingly simple sagacity many times in the weeks since.
Of course, newborns are meant to be held and snuggled. I have long subscribed to the belief that newborns can’t be spoiled, and I love the feeling of a snoozing babe nestled in the crook of my arm. I spend many mornings in bed with him like so. And sometimes, if I am not too bleary during the nighttime feeds, I will linger with him in my arms, taking in the precious outline of his features, the squirms and grunts he makes, his perfect scent, before retiring him to his bassinet — and I think Oh, I will be so glad I stole these moments with him when I could. Because that’s just what it feels like: stolen time.
But there have been countless times where I have found myself attempting to parent or entertain mini with micro in my arms and things get hairy real quick. I’m partly immobilized, unable to follow through on threatened time-outs in real time, or perilously balancing a newborn with a stack of play plates filled with food mini has “prepared” for me, or attempting to juggle a cup of water with a baby and a fistful of crayons. I will catch myself and say: “Just put the baby down.” The truth is that when I have successfully quieted micro, and he is either snoozing or happily blinking his sweet eyes or even sporadically fussing, he should be in his bassinet or his boppy or any other baby holding device as both a matter of practicality and good mothering. My mother has reminded me of this many times: “Babies don’t need to be entertained all day long.” The truth is, micro is fine on his own, and I am beginning to see that teaching him to sleep in his bassinet alone rather than in my arms is a prophylactic against bad habits in months to come. I was thrilled, for example, that he slept peacefully in the full-sized crib we had in our vacation home, and I attribute this accomplishment to the many afternoons he has spent in our bedroom while I attend to mini who, meanwhile, needs — where possible — pockets of my undivided attention.
And my body needs a break, too, even though this is the lowest priority on the totem pole at the moment. (I write this as aching exhaustion burns through my shoulders and upper spine.)
I have no idea why this has been occasionally difficult for me to remember. It seems obvious. And if I am honest, after he wakes and is fed, I often find myself trying every trick in the book until I can get him nestled back in his bassinet, asleep, to give my arms and patience a break, as I jockey between the needs of my two children. And yet I have no doubt that if you were able to peer into my apartment on any given Tuesday, you will find me awkwardly juggling a quiet baby in one arm and a feisty toddler in the other and would want to tell me: “Um, Jen. Just put down the baby.”
When he is sleeping, it’s a no-brainer, and I chastise myself when I realize he’s in my arms and snoozing. Let a sleeping baby be. (And he’s far more likely to be woken early when mini is peering into his face, letting her hair brush into his eyes, screeching: “LOOK, MAMA — HE’S AWAAAAKE,” when he is most definitely not.) But there is a part of me that flushes with the faintest sensation of guilt when I put him down and he is alert. I want him close to me in these moments. I feel compelled to introduce him to sights and sounds, to narrate what is happening in our world just as I did for mini. And — I don’t want to miss a moment. What if he smiles or coos and I don’t see it?
And yet I know, logically, that these are absurd considerations. Of course he needs my attention and love, but at some point, practicality and balance eclipse wonderment. Or such has been the case for me, where sometimes I need to take those moments where mini is preoccupied with coloring and micro is happily gazing at the ceiling to sit down and take a deep breath.
These are the fleeting, mottled musings of motherhood, my friends. The very fabric of what it means to care for children: the ache and joy and exhaustion and bewilderment of motherhood, where nothing is as simple as a directive from your husband to “just put the baby down,” but sometimes, maybe, you just need to hear it.
Post Scripts.
+I received this portable soothing sound machine as a gift and I love it! It’s much smaller than the Sleep Sheep I’ve raved about elsewhere and can be easily repositioned wherever it needs to be. I learned while on vacation that micro sleeps best in a dark, cool, white-noise-shrouded room. (No duh. Who wouldn’t?) But seriously — I think I was a bit cavalier about the adaptability of mini when it came to ambient noises while sleeping. We used to have her sleeping in her swing while we’d enjoy cocktails and pop music beneath kitchen lights and would brag about how she’d sleep right through it. Micro is a bit more sensitive. This little soothing machine has already accompanied us on many walks.
+I’m all about the shirtdress these days. I love how the defined waist makes me feel more tucked in and slender than I probably am, and the button-down front makes nursing a breeze. This white one and this black one are on my wishlist.
Coming down off the high of vacation, which was lovely. Exhausting, but lovely. Fellow parents will appreciate the logistical challenge of even a small trip into town for coffee when you are trying to coordinate between three babies — ha! My diaper bag, which has always been a point of pride for me in the sense that I always carry the minimum and prefer to make do with a tote bag not explicitly marketed as a “diaper bag,” was busting at the seams with the addition of vacation necessities like sunscreen, beach toys, sunhats, bug spray, water bottle for mini, two bottles for micro and pre-apportioned formula in this, more snacks than you can possibly imagine a toddler consuming, etc. I think I may need to upgrade my bag in terms of size to accommodate the gear I am now toting…
Anyhow, one big lesson from this trip with two children was appreciating the small pockets of fuss-free time and dialing in on the simplest pleasures. There was one morning where I’d fed micro and put him back down to sleep and mini was not quite up — it must have been around 6:15 or 6:30 a.m. — and I walked out onto the deck that overlooked the gracious backyard of our rental home and just stood there, soaking it all in. The buzz of insects, the sing of birds, the rhythmic whir of a sprinkler next door. I found similar moments elsewhere — watching Mr. Magpie fly a kite on the beach with mini yelling “I do it, I hold it” behind him while rocking micro on a dune not far away. Enjoying fresh produce from the bounty of local farmer’s markets. Enjoying a glass of rose with one baby in my arm and the other enjoying an evening dip with her aunt and uncle. These small moments of quiet, simple things amidst the rush and chaos of parenthood.
And with that: a couple of scattershot things on my mind:
+Trying to ramp up the amount of vegetables in mini’s diet. I had always hoped to avoid the whole “sneaking-veggies-into-food” routine, thinking that vegetables should simply be a part of mealtime rather than hidden, like some kind of medicine made more palatable through the addition of sugar. I had wanted to instill in her an appreciation for vegetables — or at least an accommodation of them. But we are at a point where the only vegetables she consistently eats are cucumber and green beans, and even then, she occasionally balks. So far this week, I have tried zoodles (#fail, even coated with cheese and garlic), cauliflower crust pizza (which she actually did eat — will try again), and these “gummies” with veggies and fruits mixed in. Also ordered these cauliflower-based crackers and these veggie cutters in a hope that maybe making the shape of her veggies more enjoyable will drive consumption.
+In love with this puff-sleeved tee dress ($65!). I wish it were more nursing-friendly…but I may need to order anyhow. So easy and comfortable. Perfect with my GG sneaks or Supergas.
+Also love this ditsy-print dress, which presents a similar challenge for nursing moms — but OMG. $75 and it looks like it’s a magical hybrid between Ganni and LoveShackFancy.?
+Pretty storage bins. I have been looking for something in blue to house some of micro’s spare diapers, wipes, etc under our master bed since he sleeps in our room. These laundry baskets are also darling and could be a chic toy storage implement for a basement. (These are the actual best laundry baskets — they stack, are easy to carry, and never crack/warp.)
+In a similar blue toile vein: this adorable blouse! Love with a high-waisted white skirt or white denim.
+I wore these maternity pajamas all vacation long and they are SO comfortable (the softest pima!) and flattering (love that the top is tunic-length), while also being practical (the button-front is nursing friendly). Contemplating ordering a second pair in the shorts style.
+Slowly losing the baby weight (ugh, I forgot it takes awhile — I had for some reason thought I’d be “almost there” by one month out? I must have had amnesia, but I recall losing most of the baby weight by nursing. This time around, it feels like everything is taking longer), but eyeing overalls like these as a daytime mom-on-the-go look. Hate how they are styled on the site. I’d wear them with a frilly white blouse.
P.P.S. I have re-read my post on 3 A.M. parties at least a dozen times and it makes my heart swell every time. Especially the last few days, as I prepare for Mr. Magpie’s return to work after six weeks of paternity leave. I feel weepy thinking that this special (and exhausting) time is coming to an end. Also, how will I do this without him?!
A propos of nothing at all – – I pinned the image above eons ago and I keep returning to it. I love everything about it: the woman’s enormous smile, the delicate way she’s holding her glass of wine, the ethereal dress she’s wearing (which kind of reminds me of this Amanda Uprichard blouse that’s been in my cart for months). If I could look like anything right now, I’d look like her. But the smile on my face here takes a close second 🙂
Anyhow.
Today, I thought I’d share the most popular items I’ve featured on le blog over the past couple months. I always find this exercise interesting because I then find myself wanting to buy all the things you chic peas like best — you are influencing me. HA. How’s that for Matrix-level thinking?
As you may have gathered, I am a Prime-a-holic. I don’t know how parents lived before Amazon prime! (I mean, I do but…man, does it make life easy!) Below, a couple of chic Amazon discoveries for children that have made their way into my basket:
1 // Flap Happy UPF 50 Sunhats (seen above — image from FlapHappy’s instagram account). These are very well-made and do a good job of keeping little heads out of the way of sun damage. Love all the colors they come in. I ordered one for mini for this beach trip.
2 // Vaenait Loungewear for mini. A few times a week, mini comes home with her nanny and takes a bath before her afternoon nap, as she’s been at the splash pad or playground or zoo and needs a good scrub. I’ve been looking for some comfortable clothes for her to wear into the crib for her nap that will also be suitable for playtime afterward without necessitating multiple outfit changes. It feel onerous to put her in pajamas, then change her into an outfit for three hours before bed, then put her back in pajamas, but it also feels kind of weird to have her in pajamas from 2 PM onward (?) Anyway, I found a good middle ground with the pieces from Vaenait Baby. I ordered mini this ribbed set and this trendy tie-dye set. (Would also make good travel clothes, especially if you’re traveling early in the morning/late at night.)
3 // Dock & Bay Microfiber Towels. I love these things. I always keep one in mini’s stroller basket during the summer, as she inevitably finds her way into splash pads when we’re out. These are super lightweight towels that fold up really compact but actually dry her off really nicely. I also love the cheery stripes and patterns they come in (how about that pineapple print?!)
4 // Moon and Back by Hanna Andersson. I was actually gleeful when I stumbled up on this only-on-Amazon diffusion line from the fantastic childrens’ sleepwear label Hanna Andersson. This may sound ridiculous but I always balk at the Hanna shipping fees — it’s like $9 to ship a pair of $32 pajamas. I love that these are now available with Prime overnight shipping and the prints are darling! I ordered this pair for micro and love that they can also coordinate with mini in larger sizes!
5 // 1212. I was surprised to see Amazon carries a small selection of 1212 pieces — one of my absolute favorite brands for baby basics like onesies and jammies. These are expensive but they are truly the softest, stretchiest pima cotton and they hold up beautifully in the wash. They are my absolute favorite for onesies in particular — they have a smart “lap shoulder” design that makes them easy to pull over the baby’s head, and I appreciate that there are only TWO snaps (why do all other brands have three at the crotch?) Plus, did I mention they are made of the softest cotton known to man?
6 // Copper Pearl Hats and Swaddles. Normally I’m all about Aden + Anais swaddles (love the thick, quilted muslin), but how darling are the prints on these hat and swaddle sets?! Would make a really cute baby shower gift bundled up with a coordinating plush toy or rattle.
7 // Cienta and Superga Sneakers. My two favorite brands for toddler shoes. They are sturdy but chic and non-clunky looking, and I love the colors they come in — especially that washed rose color for the Cientas and the washed blue color for the Supergas. Mini always has a pair of each of these in her closet.
10 // Feathers Undergarments. Mini wears a camisole under her dresses, and I have been impressed with the quality of this affordable brand and I love that they are tagless (and non-irritating to her). Up until recently, she wore these onesie styles, but now we’ve graduated to the camis. Mini is still in diapers, so I keep her diaper covered with monogrammed diaper covers and some of these inexpensive printed ones I also found on Amazon (so cute!), which are marketed as training underwear but work well as diaper covers.
11 // GoGoSqueez Applesauce. Do your kids love these applesauce as much as mini does?! We go through these with alacrity, and I’m always looking to buy them in bulk at a good price. Amazon sells them by the box for WAY cheaper than any of our local grocers, so I’ve added a box of these to our monthly subscribe and save order, but you can also order the box a la carte for a good price.
Packing for our trip to the Hamptons was lot more complicated than preparing for trips past. And though I wish my bag looked like this, the reality is that I have spent the majority of last week getting organized for a beach trip with two babies in tow. I’ve had a few readers ask for my thoughts on approaching this (I’m flattered!) — so here are some of my musings and purchases.
My first tip is to buy a little notebook (I used one of these) and dedicate it entirely to trip planning and logistics. This was easily the best thing I did. I used a few pages to jot down a checklist of all the gear we needed to bring (…a lot…) and continued to add items whenever they’d occur to me. I used the next page to create an ongoing list of to dos — things as small as “iron mini’s fourth of july outfit” and “decant shampoo/conditioner into travel size containers.” This was principally useful in giving me peace of mind that nothing would slip through the cracks, as I tend to think of little details like what bow mini should wear or whether we’ll have enough bottles while chained to the pump or trying to fall asleep at night. I also use the notebook to jot down activities I’d like to undertake — like berry picking! And catching fireflies! And, oh, all the beautiful and simple pastimes of summer in the sticks. (Though the Hamptons is hardly “the sticks.” But it’s certainly more sticks-like than Manhattan.)
Second, a big caveat: usually, I try to pack as light as possible and buy whatever we need when we arrive at the destination — especially bulky things like diapers, wipes, formula, and even on occasion inexpensive items like bottles and toddler plates and toddler toothpaste and so forth. But this time, since we are driving (I rented the LARGEST SUV ON THE LOT — a Chevy Suburban) and therefore have more space than we would if we were checking bags, and since I am in the midst of breastfeeding every 2-3 hours and therefore want to avoid having to get into town and immediately leave to run errands to stock our house, I attempted to buy everything we could possibly want or need before leaving. Hence:
+I started a special Amazon list for gear and toys and the like and added items to it over the course of a few days, as they occurred to me — things as specific as bug spray and sunscreen — and then placed a big order all at once.
+I placed a large order for pantry staples and snacks from Instacart and placed them in Hinza totes which would permit easy access in the car, with the thought that the Hinzas could also be repurposed as PERFECT beach/pool bags to stow snacks, toys, etc. (More great beach bags here.)
+I also ordered a case of wine from Astor Wines (my favorite place in the city — a great online shopping experience and their “Staff Picks” are generally flawless) and left it right by our door so we would be all set for #roseallday upon arrival. (Well, for Mr. Magpie. I’ll be sipping my glass or two because…#breastfeeding.)
+I ordered diapers and wipes for both children (including swim diapers for mini) — always bring/buy more than enough. My nightmare is getting somewhere and realizing I don’t have enough diapers or having to run out to the store two or three times to re-stock said diapers. Just buy more than you think you could possibly use. The same goes for children’s clothing. Trust me: the one time you try to go light, you’ll go through three changes of clothing in an afternoon.
+We decided to buy a bunch of backyard toys and activities for mini as we’d like to keep her busy busy busy so we can enjoy some vacation time ourselves. The house we’ve rented has a large backyard and pool and so, a few items we found for her:
+Though I’ve raved in the past about these packing cubes (and still stand by their utility and quality — they compress clothes and make finding things very easy), I went out on a limb and ordered two sets of these (in the blue for micro and the pink for mini) to help with sorting their gear and clothing. You can’t beat the price (less than half the price of my EZ Packing Cubes!), and they get such strong reviews! I also liked the various shapes and sizes they came in. I’ll be using them to keep their belongings ordered in their monogrammed Lands End tote bags. I have one for each of my children in the XL size and they are INCREDIBLE. Very durable, machine-washable, and beautifully oversized. I also like the pocket that lines the interior to help with organization. Personally, I like the fact that they are open top specifically for taking car trips — it means I can reach around in there to find whatever I need (bib, diaper, change of clothing, toys) without having to unzip anything or maneuver around in the car too much.
*We decided not to bring two strollers / our full-feature Bugaboo stroller, which has the little kickstand attachment for mini. This may be risky but our thought is that we can carry micro in his Baby Bjorn carrier and push mini in the stroller. Or, if mini wants to walk, we can just put micro in the Nuna carseat and snap it into the Yoyo base. There may be a time where we wish we’d brought two strollers or owned a double stroller, but we’re taking that risk to keep things lighter.
**Our AirBnB has a crib on the premises that we plan to use for mini, as we think that she might have outgrown the Nuna travel crib at this point. And thank God for that, as our other option would be to have her sleep in a twin bed there and I just don’t think we’re ready to introduce that to the mix. Micro will sleep in the Nuna travel crib. We are also bringing the tiny Brica fold n’ go bassinet because it’s an easy place to put baby down if we’re all hanging out in the backyard or family room. It’s very lightweight and folds small enough to pack into a large suitcase. I’ve used it on past trips for overnight sleeping, too, but I’ll feel more comfortable keeping micro in the Nuna, though, as it’s more secure from prying toddler hands and the two dogs we’ll have with us!
Whew. That is a lot of gear. Will keep you posted on what we ended up loving / not loving about all of this. We could probably pack lighter if need be but this seemed to cover all of the bases.
On vacation in the Hamptons! After the first few weeks adjusting to life as a mother to TWO babies (!!), Mr. Magpie and I had a come-to-Jesus moment where we looked at each other and said: “So, this Hamptons vacation is not really going to be a vacation after all…” But, we are still looking forward to all of the extra space, the new experiences for mini (a backyard! the beach! daily dips in the pool! strawberry picking! etc.), and the companionship of my sister and brother-in-law as well as our best friends, who recently had their first baby.
But, thought I’d pop in and share a few things au courant chez Magpie:
Currently reading The Falconer by Dana Czapnik as a part of our vacation book club. Our friends usually pick a book to read together as a couple when they travel (so cute), so we joined in on the fun. I have been hearing rumblings about this book for awhile and we were all drawn to the fact that it is set in NYC in the 90s and has a heavy emphasis on place/space. Next I’ll read our Magpie book club pick.
Currently wearing my Sleeper dress, lots of button-front shirtdresses, and cotton maxi dresses like this.
I have to say — my Loeffler Randall Birdie slides have been one of my favorite purchases to date, and they are on sale in a ton of colorways for around $100 here. They are comfortable (though readers should note that LR tends to run narrow), easy to walk in, and add just enough interest to any old thing. (I actually bought them in a white canvas version of this that I can no longer find online, but having them in black would be equally versatile — the colors are fantastic and go with everything I own!) And speaking of LR: these $35 slides look like the SPITTING IMAGE of a pair by the brand.
Currently wishing I’d bought this to wear for the Fourth tomorrow. Easy, forgiving, and Americana in dress form.
Currently wearing Meet My Decorator gel polish from OPI on my fingers — it’s the cheeriest, firiest orange-y red and though I know wearing gels kills my nails, it’s the only solution until I get into more of a routine with two kiddos.
Currently tearing through these mini notebooks, making a ton of lists. My mom gave me this fun little box set of notebooks as a little add-on to my birthday gifts and I love carrying one in each of my purses and stowing one in my bedside table, etc. They’ve been so helpful as I try to keep my head screwed on straight the past few weeks. They give me the chance to transfer all of my lists and worries and ideas onto paper so I can create more space for myself…
Currently stressing me out: the length of my thank you note list. I am usually ultra-disciplined about sending thank you notes within a few days of receiving a gift, but I have been swamped and now I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve received all of these gifts for micro and I’ve still not written them! I even ordered all of the stationery…one day soon!!!
Currently lusting after one of these “learning towers” for mini — love all of the colors they come in. I think she’d love to use one to help me cook in the kitchen. For father’s day, we actually baked cupcakes from scratch together and the only safe option for cooking with her was sitting down on the kitchen floor to mix and measure everything.
Currently watching: Big Little Lies, Season 2; Billions; Southern Charm; and Chernobyl. Like everyone else I know. Ha! I devoured the show Divorce on HBO during late night feeds over the past few weeks — I cannot get over how hilarious the male lead is in that show! His affect is just hysterical to me. The premise is depressing and some scenes were cringe-worthy but overall, I found myself occasionally laughing out loud and thoroughly engaged. I also drank two seasons of Very Cavallari up in no time flat. She’s fun to watch (gorgeous) and I cannot figure Jay Cutler out. Mr. Magpie insists he was a horrible leader and sportsman when he played for the Bears, and I can’t quite put my finger on his tone. Is he sarcastic? Mean? Self-involved? Awkward? Anyway, that show was a delight.
Currently loving this face mask. I like the way it makes my skin feel tight while it’s on — like it’s drying all the impurities out — and then leaves my skin soft.
What’s au courant chez toi? I am missing my in-person book club because it keeps me fresh. All my Magpie readers always bring the latest must-dos and must-reads and must-sees and so I feel completely out of touch!
P.S. These musings on the eve of micro’s birth feel so far away, emotionally and intellectually. I can’t believe my boy is over a month old. It’s true what they say: babies don’t keep.
P.P.S. Working on a new Q+A — feel free to send your questions to me via email (jennifer@thefashionmagpie.com) or direct message. I answer each and every one!
Just when you get to a point in summer where you think — OK, I’m set for the season — Shopbop launches a mid-season sale and you realize you still have space for some newcomers. Below, my favorite finds from the Shopbop sale…
P.P.P.S. This post on my postpartum figure after mini’s birth is giving me all the feels now that micro is here. I completely forgot how long it would take to feel like my body is my own. I think it took a few months last time to get back close to my pre-birth weight, but around nine months to actually feel like myself (after I’d weaned mini, etc.) And even at a year, I would still feel occasional weirdnesses around my incision — it takes a long time for all the nerves to regenerate and I didn’t have much sensation around there for a long, long while. Anyway. A reminder to myself to be patient and generous and treat myself as I would a good friend…
By: Jen Shoop
Have I been living on Mars? What is Dillard’s and why have I always had the (apparently false) impression that it was a big step down from Lord & Taylor? I have recently been coming across the most darling pieces from their online collection while in the midst of some serious online shopping. Below, a few of my favorite finds:
+This mommy and me moment is very Dolce & Gabbana: this for mini, this for me. I am kind of dying over it. Almost enough to order them as a possibility for our family photo shoot at the end of the summer. (Is it too much?)
+This top is giving me major Brock Collection vibes…
+A great selection of heirloom-worthy Feltman Brothers pieces, a brand that has been around for a century and whose pieces I once wore! These are beautiful pieces for occasions like christenings and weddings. How sweet is this itty bitty dress, or this romper, or this dress for older girls? Meanwhile, this traditional girls’ dress is marked down to $40 and this little set (on sale for under $20!) would be such a sweet and traditional gift for a new baby — and fit for a prince! (More gifts/baby fashion ideas inspired by the royal baby here.)
My Latest Snag: The Rebecca De Ravenel Forget Me Not Earring.
Mr. Magpie surprised me with a number of thoughtful gifts for my birthday, but my favorite was this pair of Rebecca De Ravenel earrings in pink. I am in love with them and I cannot tell you the value of a statement accessory these days, when I am struggling to figure out what to wear thanks to being only a month postpartum and nursing constantly. Big earrings make me feel pulled together! In love with this and in love with him for picking them out — how thoughtful?!
Many years ago, at a tea party my mother hosted, I was chatting with a friend of my mother’s about some of the help I’d been giving my father at his law office. He had been working on a book that analyzed his experience fighting in the Vietnam War through the lens of war-time poetry from generations past, and I had served as his copyeditor and assistant during a break from graduate school. I also occasionally served as an errand girl, buying diet cokes and salted mix nuts from nearby Rodman’s grocer (local DC people, do you feel me?) or making him cold cut sandwiches in the small kitchenette off of his office. I commented on this facetiously to my mother’s friend: “You’d think I was making him an elaborate gourmet sandwich; he’s so appreciative. I just don’t know what he’d eat if I weren’t there. He’s kind of helpless in the kitchen.” I delivered this off-handedly, with what I deemed to be an air of drollness, and my mother’s friend stopped, looked me seriously in the eye, and said: “Oh, but Jennifer — isn’t it nice to be needed?”
I reddened and stammered in the face of her reproach. Later, I rolled my eyes as I retold the story to a sister, indicating that I’d thought she was being overly dramatic in the face of a casual conversation.
But I have carried her words with me for years. They bubble up at the most unexpected times, chastening me, softening me, reminding me of the gift of being not only wanted, but needed.
I have been thinking of this constantly in the past few weeks since micro has arrived, when on occasion, he will wail in his little bassinet despite having a full belly, a clean diaper, fresh pajamas, and a tight swaddle. And I will lift him and cradle him next to my heart and he will quiet, mollified by the simple act of being held and loved.
Motherhood can feel overwhelmingly burdensome — not in the sense that I am desperate for escape, but in the sense that I feel laden with responsibility, heavy with duty. But then I think of the words of my mother’s friend and I realize what a blessing it is to be needed at all.
Blast from the Past: On My Eight-Year Wedding Anniversary.
“…There isn’t much I can say about Mr. Magpie that I haven’t already written. (Let’s not forget the M Series, too.) But today, we celebrate eight years of marriage, and I am thinking to myself: how radical, how astoundingly improbable, how wildly fortunate it is that I managed to find someone who is perfect for me. Me! Idiosyncratic me! Who has rules for herself and sometimes (always) dwells too much on lessons learned the hard way and can get all worked up over a punctuation mark. Who expects a lot of people, cries at the drop of a hat, and worries about everything on God’s green earth. And him, who is somehow the most passionate and dispassionate person I know: he is convicted in what he believes with an intensity I’ve rarely seen elsewhere (“I’d rather kill myself than get a tattoo,” he once stated flatly, pissing off the mixed crowd of tattooed and non-tattooed friends we were with — GULP) but he is also calm, even-keeled, analytical in the face of decisions, whereas I am prone towards fretful emotionality. Yes, idiosyncratic us. And yet we are absurdly well-suited to one another, miraculously adjacent puzzle pieces. We share the same values, ambitions, sensitivities. Our personalities play together easily. We have opposite but complementary skillsets in all facets of business and personal life. And where we don’t see eye to eye, we mind the gap. In our eight years of marriage and fourteen years of coupledom (fourteen!!!), we have evolved together and independently in a way that empowers me to be the fullest version of myself.
And so eight years in, I think back to that night on the rooftop in Northwest D.C., and I think: “Yes. He was perfect for me then. But he is more perfect for me now.”
+I’m very intrigued by the Baby Brezza once micro is old enough to start on purees and the like. I *tried* to steam and puree food for mini a number of times but found it irritatingly onerous, especially when she routinely refused to eat the fruits of my labor. This seems like an investment worth making. Thoughts from fellow moms?
*Euphemism. Also — this post might be a bit much if you have not breastfed before; proceed at your own caution. (AKA: Dad, please stop reading here.) But one aspect of motherhood that has been deeply gratifying is bonding with other mothers who are going through the same thing — and hearing how they approached various snafus and learning that I am not alone in the wild swing of my emotions. And so I thought it might be helpful to share my experience over the past month…
*And separately, in the photo above, Hill is wearing these Roller Rabbit jammies. I always get a lot of questions when readers see him wearing them in my instastories! (Also available in a onesie/hat/blanket bundle here.) I adore this brand. Spendy, but they last! I find that they run TTS until maybe a year and then I have always needed to size up. Mini wears a size 4 currently.
Honestly, if you’d asked me what I wanted for my birthday some time last week, I probably would have said “a few hours where I am showered and not wearing nursing clothes.” I have felt like a total schlub the past few weeks; I’d forgotten how unkempt nursing makes you feel, with all of the soaking through clothes and pulling things down and up and chafing and applying ointments and pumping and — ugh. I feel constantly “undone,” even with the cutest nursing dresses!
But then I had a freak out. Micro started fussing at the breast at every feed, latching and then unlatching in fury, writhing around in what I deemed to be ravenous hunger. I was perplexed and upset — what was going on? Because I have had an undersupply**, I have had to supplement with formula at every feed and so, over the course of that day, after five minutes of having him latch, become enraged, and then push away from me in anger, I would often give him the bottle. I’d heard somewhere that if infants are very hungry, you might start them with the bottle and then switch to the breast, but even switching midway through the feed seemed to upset him. So then I tried pumping and found — to my shock — that virtually nothing was coming out. What was happening to my supply?!
Oh, magpies, how I fretted, tearfully. (I had also had a particularly exhausting prior night, up every hour or so to feed or change or soothe the baby, and I think the sleeplessness was wearing me thin.) I was suddenly terrified I’d never be able to breastfeed him again and there I’d been, blithely marching through my days complaining about feeling “unkempt” when I’d had no idea how brief my breastfeeding days would be, and how much I’d miss them once they were gone.
But let me backtrack and explain the ** above.
So.
No one knows anything about breastfeeding.
This is my informed opinion after two babies and countless conversations with friends, doctors, and lactation consultants, all of whom will give you differing opinions and advice.
In the hospital, I felt that breastfeeding was going swimmingly. Micro latched immediately in the recovery room and fed happily for hours every day. I took a breastfeeding class and met with a lactation consultant several times just to brush up and ensure that I remained humbled in this pursuit. I did pick up some tips, but I was also slightly miffed at the lack of concern the hospital seemed to have about the fact that I’d just had a c-section. For the class, the consultant was standing at the door of a room at the end of a corridor, waiting for me to push my bassinet into the room, and I felt as though she was waving me on as if to say: “Hurry up, slowpoke,” when I was, in fact moving as quickly as I could, bent over at a 45 degree angle in pain. Then I was asked to weave in and out of chairs and told to plop a pillow into my lap, horrifyingly close to my incision — this was within maybe 30 hours of having my son, and so I’d barely walked let alone sat upright in a chair. Of course, the movement proved to be good. It is true what “they” say: moving around expedites the recovery process, but it is never what I want to hear and “they” tends to be people who have never had a c-section and therefore do not know the agony of walking for the first few times, when it feels borderline superhero-esque to do so. (Also, I had a nasty cough and it was so, so hard to get through those coughs the first few days; I remember coughing midway down the walk to that class and I thought my stitches were going to tear open. Oh!) (Also, I just felt like complaining.) (Also, I think I was entitled to said miffedness.) Anyway, I kept telling Mr. Magpie how well nursing was going and how happy I was about it.
Then, on the third day, the nurses informed me that my son had lost nearly 9% of his birth weight and that they wanted me to supplement him with formula — “just until your milk comes in.” Apparently it is cause for concern if the baby drops below 10% of his birthweight, and so I nodded serenely. “OK, if this is what needs to happen, this is what needs to happen. Fed is best.” The next day, the lactation consultant swung by to check in on me and I explained the new protocol.
“Oh. Oh no.”
My heart dropped.
“Well, it’s just — if you feed him formula, you’re basically telling your body not to produce the milk he needs, and it will be hard for your body to catch up. I wouldn’t worry about his current weight — just keep breastfeeding.”
Oh.
I was in a quandary. Ultimately, I decided to follow my instincts and continued to supplement with formula at most feedings, especially if he seemed alert and hungry after finishing the nursing portion of his meal. I reasoned that I’d rather have a satisfied and growing baby than prioritize my personal preference to breastfeed him. And having a full, happy baby also meant that he would sleep longer and be calmer in general — a win/win, I estimated.
And so we supplemented at every feed.
When we took him to the pediatrician at five days of age, he’d gained back a lot of the weight he’d lost, and had even gained two ounces since leaving the hospital the day prior.
“That’s wonderful!” she intoned. I explained my goal of exclusively breastfeeding and she suggested that I “play around” with how much formula I gave him. “See if he seems satisfied with just your breastmilk; if he’s still fussy, feed him formula until your milk comes in.”
And so I tried for days to just breastfeed him and supplement when it seemed necessary. But suddenly I found myself feeding him every hour — sometimes even more frequently. I thought he was cluster feeding for comfort, but gradually it became obvious that he was just not getting enough and was extremely hungry. When I switched back to nursing and then following with formula, we eased back into a more manageable two-to-three hour cycle: he fed, I changed him and rocked him, he slept. Lather, rinse, repeat. Any time I’d drop the formula, he’d be fussing hungrily within an hour.
Well, OK. We were back to where I was with mini: a chronic undersupply. Selfishly, this discovery pleased me, as it suggested to me that I hadn’t in fact botched mini’s nursing by willfully refusing to attend breastfeeding classes prior to her birth, but that my body simply could not produce the amount of milk needed to support a growing newborn. I felt — and how outrageous is this? — a small parcel of guilt dissolve into thin air, and hadn’t even realized I’d been toting it around all this time. “Ah, that’s better,” I thought, happy not to have been totally at fault for the complexity of feeding mini.
When I took micro back to the pediatrician for his two week check-up, we saw another doctor in the practice owing to a scheduling issue. The pediatrician suggested I reintroduce pumping to help with supply — the same old song and dance that had sent me to the border of madness with mini. For those uninitiated, the idea is that pumping after feeding your child will tell your body to keep producing milk (breastfeeding is all about supply and demand), and even if nothing comes out at first, eventually the body will start producing enough to keep up. And so your day looks like this:
-7 AM: Breastfeed baby.
-7:20 AM: Pass baby off to husband to feed bottle while he is inevitably also trying to console your toddler, make breakfast, brew coffee, clean up a spill, keep the airedale out of the trash (“who left the bathroom door open?”), answer a work email, and maintain some semblance of humor amidst it all.
-7:25 AM: Jam the pump parts into place, change quickly into pumping bra, settle in on the couch, pump for 15 minutes while attempting to parent your toddler. Believe me when I say that ultimatums do not carry the same weight when delivered from a supine position, hooked up to a machine whose whir will haunt my dreams. Every threat feels half-assed. “Do not test me,” I say, as I sit, immobilized, strapped to a machine, entirely unable to follow through on threats of discipline.
-7:40 AM: Take baby out of husband’s hands to burp him and rock him to sleep. Eat three bites of cold, leftover egg from toddler’s breakfast plate while singing Frozen and cajoling daughter to have her diaper changed. Look down and realize you are still wearing a pumping bra (no shirt) and pajama pants with yogurt smeared down the side.
-8 AM: Swaddle sleeping baby and place in bassinet.
-8:05 AM: Rush to stow expressed milk in fridge and scrub all pump parts; leave to dry in kitchen.
-8:15 AM: Dazedly complete a mix of tidying up, brushing teeth, putting in contacts, playing with toddler, occasionally soothing baby, etc.
-8:55 AM: Take a breath. Because the loop is about to repeat.
-9 AM: Breastfeed baby.
Basically, you have little windows of maybe 30 or 40 minutes to get life done. Meanwhile, your breasts are sore, you are constantly changing in and out of the pumping bra, you are always cleaning the pump parts at the sink, while occasionally losing track of a piece or two and then dazedly attempting to jam them together as you wonder what you are doing with your life, and — for some reason, even if you are sitting next to your family while doing it, you find the pump horribly isolating and…demeaning? I can’t articulate why, but I truly hate pumping.
But, I took a deep breath and decided I’d try to pump to help with supply on a more limited basis. The doctor reasonably suggested I try pumping after daytime feeds — and just for a week, to see what would happen. I agreed, knowing I’d love to be able to feed him entirely on my own and deciding that it was worth the effort.
So for four days, I tried the pattern. I found it was incredibly difficult to stick to the routine with visitors coming and going and feeds often falling at highly inconvenient times — like right when mini was having a meltdown or getting ready for bed or just as we were about to have dinner. And so I was lax about it, and would try as best I could to squeeze in a few pumping sessions each day but not kill myself if I missed a few opportunities.
On the fourth day, my supply plummeted and I found myself wrangling a very unhappy baby, as I outlined at the start. I was completely confused — shouldn’t the pumping be helping?! And now I had destroyed my supply?!
I racked my brain. I searched for answers online. I wept to my angel sister, who sat on my couch and reassured me that it would all work out and that I was doing my best besides, although I couldn’t accept what she was saying and could only focus on the fact that I felt as though I was failing my son. I puzzled it out with Mr. Magpie. At first I thought I needed to be drinking more water. Maybe I was dehydrated?! And so I challenged myself to drink a full glass of water at every single feed. I also doubled down on the galactagogues, eating oatmeal and oat bars and drinking mother’s milk tea as often as possible. And then I thought back to the fact that he’d been awake every hour or so the night prior. Maybe he was extra hungry and going through a growth spurt? And so I was depleted because he’d sucked me dry? But this didn’t seem to explain why he wouldn’t latch for more than a few seconds without refusing me — and why I’d then be unable to pump anything, even though he’d not been nursing for long. And then I thought maybe he was angry with the speed of my let-down or flow because he was getting used to drinking from bottles. Mr. Magpie noted that there had been some “1 speed” nipples mixed in with the “0 speed” nipples, and maybe he’d gotten spoiled by the faster flow. Meanwhile, I observed that he seemed extra gassy — maybe it was the gas that was bothering him rather than anything about breastfeeding per se? Maybe I had eaten something that was upsetting him? Maybe the formula was messing with him? What if it was an allergy or intolerance that was just rearing its head now that he was drinking more and more formula? Finally, as I cried to Mr. Magpie about how exhausted I was by everything, adding that things had been better before we’d introduced the pumping to the mix — at least I was at peace with things and felt I was in a rhythm! — he mused that maybe the added stress of trying to produce more milk and sitting in a separate room and rushing around trying to get pumps in every day had left me stressed and therefore unable to produce as much milk, knowing — as a tenured dad — that much of nursing is psychological.
There were too many factors to consider, too many moving parts. And a girlfriend told me that her supply had slowed to a trickle one day and she’d had a similar freak out — but that it had returned 24 hours later, without any major changes to her diet or approach — and that maybe these things…just happen?
I do not know. I do not know!
But we decided a few things. First: that I would stop pumping, as we felt it was introducing way too much chaos and stress. Second: that we would try to only use 0 speed nipples. And third: that I would try to focus all of my energy on just feeding micro. “Let everything else go, Jennie. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. Your biggest job is caring for Hill. So just focus on that,” Mr. Magpie said. And so from 9 PM that night to 9 AM the following morning, I laid in bed and snuggled and nursed him. And things seemed to click back into place. At the 3 A.M. feed, I nearly cried when he happily latched and stayed latched. Yes, I still had to supplement, but there wasn’t the furious fussing at the breast. Two days later, he will still occasionally fuss during daytime feeds and so I find myself giving him the bottle earlier than I’d like on occasion. Sometimes I pump afterwards, knowing he’s not taken much from me, and am surprised to find nearly 2 oz. This says to me that maybe it’s more about let-down or flow speed, as he will almost always happily take the bottle instead. But then other times I persist in putting him back on the breast again and again and he eventually settles down — and those times, I think it’s more about gas pain that’s keeping him from latching for a longer period of time, or perhaps that I need to catch him before he gets too hungry.
So again. Who knows. I certainly don’t and no one else seems to, so I’ll continue to troubleshoot and beat myself up and worry just like every other nursing mother out there.
But my points are these:
1 // Breastfeeding is hard and confusing and there never seems to be just one solution. Ask three experts for advice and you’ll get three different answers. So go easy on yourself and do your best. Troubleshoot. Also, trust your instincts. (I followed none of this advice — I was in fact dreadfully hard on myself — and it was rough-going. Take it from me. Although: easier said than done.)
2 // Just a week ago, I was flippantly complaining about feeling “unkempt” while nursing — and now I find myself grateful for the disarray. Maybe not comfortable with it, but grateful for it. The entire experience was a reminder to count my blessings. Every single one of them. Even that bleary 3 a.m. feed.
Post Scripts.
Some new discoveries for my fellow nursing/pumping mamas:
+This would work if you’re comfortable with pulling down the top. I’d wear this specifically for pumping — you can slide your arms out the sleeves and pull down without having to step in/out or button anything. This fun little frock or this voluminous Marysia would work for similar reasons.
+OMG this Persifor dress is perfection! I love the forgiving shape, the button front, and all of the fun prints it comes in.
+Perfect for nursing and beyond — in nearly any circumstance. Wear with chic sneaks and huge shades or with smart flats and pearls or…well, virtually anything.
+You can never have enough of these loose-fitting boy shirts. Order a few sizes up to be extra roomy (and generous to yourself).
+If I had my druthers, I’d be wearing my favorite nursing nightgown and this robe all the live-long day.
+Not nursing friendly, but friendly to a pregnant or postpartum figure: this dress.
+If you are trying to build your supply, I think this mother’s milk tea works. With mini, I really liked these bars, but I found them less edible this go around — no idea why. I was just sort of choking them down, unhappily. I now eat any granola bar with oats in them. I have also heard via Hitha’s community that Mrs. Patel’s has some amazing galactagogue-packed snacks and teas.
I have been swooning over the charming flat-woven kilim shoes from Artemis Design ever since I spotted a pair on my chic girlfriend (and fellow woman of substance!) Inslee. I decided I had to reach out to get to know the founder of the label, Milicent Armstrong. Milicent has built her citizen-of-the-world brand drawing inspiration from world travel, and is best known for her “flying carpet shoes,” made from vintage Turkish carpets (how cool?! Love this take on sustainable fashion!)
Her imagination and hard work have garnered substantial attention; she’s been named a “most promising up and coming American Designer” by Racked and has won several awards from Boston publications (where she is based), not to mention a number of mentions in The Wall Street Journal, Town and Country, and Esquire. Perhaps most impressive, in my opinion, is the fact that she won her school’s “Kindest Student” award when she was younger — an accolade that speaks volumes about the type of woman she is.
I was able to connect with her to learn a little bit more about the woman behind the brand when she answered my modified Proust Questionnaire…
Your favorite qualities in a woman.
Self possession, kindness, and humility.
Your favorite heroine.
Joan of Arc has always been a favorite.
Your main fault.
Impatience. I need to learn to slow down and enjoy the present!
Your greatest strength.
I won my school’s “Kindness” award when I was younger, and I have always thought this to be an important quality. My ability to put myself in other people’s shoes and see things from all sides is a strength of mine.
Your idea of happiness.
Cooking a big stew on a snowy afternoon with my husband. Cuddling with my dog. Being on the water on a beautiful day. Getting wrapped up in a home design/decorating project.
Your idea of misery.
Hmmm…I definitely feel miserable when I am cold and wet or away from my family for too long.
Currently at the top of your shopping lust list.
Too many things! Mostly furniture, wall paper, and home improvement projects right now!
I shared some musings on turning 35 a few weeks ago, and — well, not much has changed except everything has changed and now I don’t have the time to wax poetic about the drifting of time because it feels like I’m in a weird time warp where I can’t believe micro will be ONE MONTH this Friday (I could sob — I never understood this sentiment from other parents, and didn’t even fully grasp it when mini was little, but now that I have a second, I feel a stab in my heart thinking: “Oh my God, he will never be this little again, and did I adequately obsess over his every grunt and movement and squirm? Will I remember the adorable little pucker he makes with his lips when — I presume — he is peeing? Will I recall that funny anxious cry he makes right before I feed him, when he is desperately rooting around?” I kept telling people he was “two weeks old” when he was in fact nearly three and continue to round down dramatically — “he was born just, like, ten days ago!” I want him to stay little and precious and needy forever.) and, at the same time, some afternoons feel like groundhog hour. Yes, groundhog hour — not day — in the sense that I’m on an infinite cycle of feeding, burping, changing, running frantically around to get things done, and then feeding, burping, changing…and sometimes those afternoons feel very long and tedious and I glaze over in exhaustion and existentialist empathy with Sisyphus and his rock.
But, enough on the alternately taut and slack experience of time.
I am 35 today and my God. I do feel it. Last weekend, Mr. Magpie dug up a bottle of rioja we’d bought in Spain over six years ago on our last major vacation (yep, six years ago — launching and closing a business, moving, and having two children will do that to ya?) and I made some braised lamb shanks and a potato dish to go with it, which was honestly far too ambitious for being three weeks postpartum, as the recipes involved such overly-fussy steps as making garlic confit and pitting olives. I was kicking myself when I was sweating in our little kitchen, moving things to side burners in order to pause and feed micro, trying to brown 1.5-lb shanks in batches with oil splattering everywhere (in short, the preparation of the meal may or may not have involved tears) — but it was delicious and honestly the most relaxed I have seen Mr. Magpie in a long while, as he has done 99% of the cooking in these parts and deserved a break. I had been determined to treat him to a major meal, especially since I’d botched Father’s Day by giving him an Apple TV 4K that I’d already given him the prior Father’s Day (I kid you not — #mombrain is real) and asked him to make his own dinner. (Is that so sad? That he selected and prepared a ribeye with oven fries to celebrate his own paternity? Ah.)
Anyhow, as we enjoyed the beautifully-aged rioja, which tasted like chocolate and something herbal I couldn’t quite put my finger on, Mr. Magpie pulled up some pictures of the two of us from our vacation in Spain and I could not believe how much I have aged in the past six years. In the photos, I looked rested, tanned, taut (the second time I’ve used that word in this post — it’s having a moment), and I had bangs and a big smile and a decent tan. By comparison, today I looked in the mirror at my unwashed hair and the dark circles under my eyes and my overall vaguely pale and gaunt mien and thought “oh, boy.” I’m trying to cut myself a lot of slack when it comes to “bouncing back” from having a second child but GOOD LORD, the distance between then and now is expansive purely from a physical standpoint. (Again, launching and closing a business, moving, and having two children will do that to ya?)
But, at the same time, looking at those pictures made me happy. Happy that we took the time and opportunity to travel by ourselves when we could. Happy that we were so happy then — though, truthfully, not as happy as we are now. Yes, these days are exhausting and overwhelming but we are also settled, which is maybe the most underrated aspect of a happy life — for me, at least. I know there are some who wander and roam and live a full and content Eat Pray Love life, but the snug feeling of being settled somewhere, with no major question marks or unknowns dangling over my head save for things like whether we’ll rent or buy or how long we’ll stay in Manhattan, which are — to be sure — the most fancy and fortunate question marks and unknowns to have in the universe — well, that is happiness, for me. It’s taken me the better part of thirty-five years to understand this, or — maybe — thirty-five years to get to place where I can stand still and look across my life and feel deeply satisfied. There are things I’d like to do and questions I’d like to answer and relationships I’d like to fortify, but when I just stand still and look at what I have, it is enough. In fact, it is more than enough. The richnesses of this life humble and overwhelm me.
OK, thirty five. I’m here, I’m humbled, I’m slightly greasy and under-showered, but I’m happy and ready for you.
Post Scripts: Things I Want Today.
This ultra-trendy dress. I feel like every single blogger and fashionista I follow on Instagram has been seen in it — and with good reason. It is darling.
Just ordered this in the “very charming” color — a petal pink.
These high-waisted shorts. My sister informed me that paper bag waists look good on approximately 1% of the population and I’m sure she’s right. But aren’t they adorable?
