This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation. Image above from my time in NYC! (More of my favorite photos of Central Park, all taken while running!, here.)
This week, I was deeply moved by this thoughtful reading of an iconic scene from Greta Gerwig’s 2019 film adaptation of Little Women* from the brand Bond and Grace. (If you’ve not heard of them before, Bond and Grace sells gorgeous “art books” that reimagine classic texts with spectacular illustrations as well as notes and other back matter from faculty at various institutions. I met the founder at a lunch last year, and though I barely know her, I was so bowled over by the Little Women post, I had to email her with praise!) Anyhow, in the analysis, they explore Jo March’s line: “I’m so sick of being told love is all a woman is good for.” They observe that Jo is expressing more than a feminist take on her gender identity. She is venting (their words): “The inarticulate rage of having so much more in you than what the world wants to see.”
Wow. I felt this especially in my younger years — when I was 20, I wrote about the vague “bigness” I felt inside that seemed to be constantly overlooked by the people around me. In fact, my 20s could best be described as a decade of shape-shifting and shrinking to fit whatever mold I felt I was meant to be in. But sometimes I have experienced this in more recent years, too. A few years ago, some women I barely knew mocked my blog in front of me. It stung, but I reached for my old self-coaching — “let people be wrong about you” — and I reckoned: “hurt people hurt people.” I strained to find grace instead of anger. I only got halfway there; if I am honest with you, I still avoid these women when I see them. I’ve done enough soul-searching on the incident that I recognize my primary emotion was embarrassment. They saw fluff — which, to be fair, some of my shopping posts are! — but I work hard at every aspect of this blog, whether curating fashion finds or letting my heart bleed out on paper about my own matrescence. I adhere to the philosophy of making everything the most important thing. More importantly, I absolutely love what I do. I am the happiest clam in the sea. It hurt me to have this tremendous joy trivialized.
Anyhow, there’s enough distance in the rear view mirror for me to have mainly let go of this, and mainly realize I still need to work on developing a thicker skin. Because, like, why do I care what those women think?! I know next to nothing about them, and vice versa. Why would I ask people for directions when they have no idea where I’m going?! And — frankly — people will always invent ways to trivialize what you do. (I am thinking of that incident I wrote about recently in which an interviewer had the gumption to tell Ann Patchett that she wasn’t a real writer because she didn’t use a descriptionary.) In short: you might as well do as you please. Be your own weird self! Write about shoes. Take up birding. Lean into some fringe sub-genre of fan fiction. Make your own starter. I like people who aren’t afraid of being “cringe.” I had a mentor back in my start-up days who made the point that “being a pessimist is always easier and cooler”; it’s harder, more vulnerable, to be the optimist. No need to “play it cool” — chase what makes you lean forward and the people that matter will stick around, and probably love you for it.
Magpies, you have so much more in you than the world wants to see! But it is not your job to show everyone what’s inside. Or, rather, it would be impossible to do this. So in the words of Mary Oliver —
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
*****
*Little Women continues to echo throughout my life in the most interesting ways. I wrote a little bit about this multivalent text here. It continues to give me new sky.
**Also, the music from this movie is incredible. It’s made its way onto our secret work playlist.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation. Image above by Jessica Durrant, but from a few years ago. Should I go back to my blonder hair?!
+REALIZING YOU’VE CHANGED: This week, I leveled up from 3-lb free weights to 5-lb ones in my weighted exercise routine. Such a powerful moment — realizing you’ve changed, for the better, even in a tiny way.
What’s one way you’ve changed in 2025?
(A few of the micro-changes that Magpies shared with me on Instagram: flossing daily; replacing soda with Ollipop; not hitting the snooze button; taking cold showers; buying free weights; increasing treadmill pace at Orange Theory; being “OK” seeing any movement as a win while my fitness has taken a dip in pregnancy; cycling again for the first time in 1.5 years.)
+A MINI MILESTONE TOKEN: Per the above point, I really tried to celebrate small wins last week, or — as we’ve been referring to them lately, “micro-breaks,” as in — there are no big breaks; just a lot of mini ones. Typically, I celebrate little windfalls by inputting them into a running “note” on my phone titled: “Good things are always happening to me” (more on this here) but last week was a big week where I hit some goals I’ve been working toward for years. (Will share more on this when I can — eee!). So one night last week, I ordered Georgetown Cupcakes via UberEats just to make a little party of it. Coincidentally, the jewelry brand Dana Rebecca sent me the most gorgeous delicate necklace last week. When I took it out of the box, it occurred to me that it could be “my milestone token,” celebrating the “micro-break” from the week. I’ve been wearing it every day since, layered beneath my usual Dorsey stack (this, this) and every time I notice it or touch it, it feels like a secret little victory dance.
Anyhow, if you’re looking for a little piece of milestone jewelry to celebrate a micro-break of your own, here are a few picks: my Dana Rebecca; this delicate solitaire necklace ($149!); this Aurate (I gave this to my SIL over the summer as a gesture of connection while she lives abroad in Norway! — also comes in a vermeil version that is less $$); this pretty heart with something engraved on it (an important date, a slogan, etc!); a Jane Win coin (love the different motifs available); the Dorsey Clemence.
+BESTSELLERS: Speaking of…I wear my Dorsey Clemence necklace every single day, and was delighted to see many of you purchased one this week, too! She’s so easy to layer and dresses up/down like a dream.
+FAVORITE FAMILY GAMES: We are big into our game-playing era. Landon and I play Wingspan several times a week (!) — we now have all the expansion packs, too. (#thisis40). Aside from deriving deep enjoyment and relaxation from playing Wingspan, I love the way it connects me (playfully) with Mr. Magpie in a different way, and also models for our children the importance of making time and place for play. With the kids, our current family favorites (aside from the basics — Uno, Jenga, War, etc) are Taco vs. Burrito, Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza, and Klask. Do you have Klask? Our kids LOVE this, and so do Landon and I. I just ordered this to add to the collection after reading some really strong reviews.
+WHAT IS ‘NORMAL’ IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD? Related to our game-playing habit, I came across a stirring quote this week: “One of the most significant things about a household is what is considered normal” (Justin Eardley). This really made me think about the routines, habits, rituals that are so normalized as to be “just part of the fabric” but are in fact part of what defines us as a family — after all, time is just a tool to express your values. How we spend our time reflects what we prioritize. Run a quick audit of a weekend in your home — how do you spend time together? What is normal? What is NOT normal?
Some of our family life mainstays include game-playing, coloring (there are markers and paper out 100% of the time during our weekends), reading, cooking, eating together, taking care of our home (chores, laundry, fixing things, sorting things, organizing), sports for the kids, music-playing (music is always on in our house, from dawn til dusk), puzzles, exercise (for Landon and I – the kids love to watch us on the bike and chirp out instructions), and a lot of “I love yous.” We’re determinedly liberal with verbal affection. Also, we almost always go to Mass on Sunday at 10:30 a.m.
Reviewing this list, I’d love to see more time outside as a family. I’m making the excuse that it’s been cold, snowy, windy — but of course, a la the Scandis, “there’s no such thing as bad weather.” (Just bad clothes for the weather.) I’m also aware that we don’t do a ton of socializing as a family. Landon and I frequently go out to dinner on Fri/Sat night by ourselves or with friends, but could do more with family friends. In the warm months, we do spend a lot of time with neighbors — impromptu chat, glass of wine, catch up while the kids play, etc. Maybe it’s seasonally inflected!
+EYEING + BUYING: On my radar this week! I did buy this Doen skirt after staring at it for way too long. (Looks for less here, here.) Can’t wait to style it — I have lots of looks in mind! I also ordered the small version of this K18 mask, which several Magpies have raved about, including in the comments of this recent post. (One wrote: “I adore K18. It has changed my hair.” I was sold!) Will test and report back!
Also a note that Minnow just launched the CUTEST spring collection and I want to order everything. Adore this little yellow bikini. All my picks here.
WHAT I WANTED TO WEAR TO VALENTINE’S DAY DINNER (BUT IT WAS COLD, WINDY, RAINY): DOEN DRESS // ISABEL MARANT BOOTS // ZARA KNIT CROPPED JACKET (OLD, SIMILAR HERE OR YOU CAN FIND MY EXACT ONE ON POSHMARK)
A friend of mine gave us tickets to see country singer Kelsea Ballerini at Capital One arena last weekend (seen above). I knew very little about her or her music — a handful of her songs rang a bell — but Landon and I almost always say “yes” to live music opportunities when we can. To me, concert-going is one big “ice cream moment” — who can be ill-tempered at a concert?! It’s a time for unbridled joy. You are there solely for pleasure! And isn’t there something extra thrilling about the live aspect of it? Anything can happen!
(I will say that Landon was one of about four men in all of Capital One stadium last weekend – ha. Definitely tapped into a Galentines spirit — but we had a great time nonetheless. Lan is used to being surrounded by spirited women anyway; I’m one of four daughters and Emory is our passionate leading lady.)
When we were talking about the concert with some friends beforehand, they were astounded I didn’t know more about Ballerini. My friend’s husband said: “You consider yourself a country music fan?!” Have I been living under a rock? I love country, and yet I wasn’t familiar with her at all. This made me wonder — what other musical acts am I somehow cloistered from knowing?
Would you share some of your favorite musicians and bands that you have a sneaking suspicion are not widely known, but should be?
I’ll start, although I’m now second-guessing myself on the heels of my Ballerini comeuppance — are these groups actually considered “mainstream”? I have a sense that some of these acts will be new to at least some of you because I’ve mentioned them to friends who’d never heard of them, though. Here goes:
+Aaron Frazer — I listen to his “Into the Blue” album probably 5-10x a week, start to finish, with only one skip (“Perfect Strangers”). I wrote a huge chunk of my fictional manuscript listening to this, too. “I Don’t Wanna Stay” gave shape to a pivotal scene in it.
+Clairo — Her “Charm” album is flawless. This is one of our go-to “weekend morning” albums — easy-listening, great voice. Norah Jones but Gen Z vibes. I learned about her from my teenage neighbor. (She just put out a funky music video featuring Weird Al Yankovic for one of the tracks on this album that’s worth a watch.)
+Teskey Brothers — Great neo-soul; the lead singer has an Otis Redding vibe I love.
+Hermanos Gutierrez — Soothing, no-lyrics guitar music with a driving beat. Great for listening to while working on a project/cooking/focusing on something else.
+Khruangbin — More cool, no-lyrics music for hanging out. We have been listening to this while playing Wingspan and enjoying a happy hour glass of wine.
+St. Paul and the Broken Bones — Lead singer has the most epic Gospel voice, which he pairs with more modern lyrics. Love the big brass sound.
+Nathaniel Rateliff — His album “Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats” takes me right back to our time in Chicago. We listened to this album endlessly! Like St. Paul, major brass, and Rateliff’s huge, raspy voice is stirring!
I’m going to add to this list a few artists we are obsessed with that I think you’re more likely to know but I recently asked a friend if she knew who Laufey was, and she had no idea! So just in case…
+Laufey — OMG. Bringing back the crooning songstress of the 40s and 50s but with modern lyrics. I love, love her album “Bewitched.” I always have a few albums downloaded to my phone when I travel — I like to have them as my “comfort blanket” while on plane / waiting / etc. This one has made the cut on my last two trips!
+Sturgill Simpson — In our opinion, the best contemporary country artist. His lyrics, his vocal stylings! We saw him at The Anthem a few weeks ago and sounded incredible.
+Tyler Childers — Another great country music artist — his lyrics are also gutting to me in different ways. We’re seeing him in a few weeks!
+L’Imperatrice — I think this group is really well known but they were new to me as of a few years ago, when my brother-in-law introduced me to them. Fun, vibey European party music. (Start with “Vanilla Fraise.”)
OK, your turn! What should I be listening to?
Post-Scripts.
+Where do you find meaningful stuff? (This is my follow-on question – how do you find good new music? I’m guessing part of the answer is in the comments section on this post.)
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+One of my most-asked questions on Instagram is — where is your heart necklace from? Mine is Dorsey and I’ve been hunting for a look for less for months because I know it’s $$. I finally found a very similar style for under $100 here.
+Kule is running 15% off their new spring collection with code SPRING15. Love their grass green pieces, like this top with the matching shorts paired with some great sandals for spring break.
+Last week, Lan and I went on a date to use a sauna and “float” — have you heard of float therapy? You’re in a sensory deprivation chamber, floating in the pitch black in a salt water tank. I had a really hard time relaxing in there for the first 20 minutes but the last 40 were trippy in a good way. I don’t think I’ll do it again, though. However, I LOVE the sauna. I’m trying to convince Landon we need to build one in our backyard. In the meantime, I’m super intrigued by these sauna blankets from Higher Dose. Has anyone tried?! It’s so expensive but I feel like I’d use it all the time. Or is part of the magic of sauna life actually sitting in the wooden chamber? I love it so much.
+Marysia vibes for less with this bikini (top, bottom). (Compare with Marysia here.)
+BTW, if you’ve never shopped at Shopbop before – they are currently running a new customer promo! 20% off with SHOPMY20. All my Shopbop picks here. Lots of great spring break finds, like this funky shirtdress from Alemais, this under-$200 striped sundress, this gorgeous wrap skirt, these Prada-inspired sunnies (under $80). Although the Prada sunglasses themselves are on sale at Nordstrom for a good price!
+Throw these fun $75 jelly sandals into your suitcase, too! I got the taupe pair. I love jellies! I actually got a ton of wear out of these jelly ballet flats last summer. Surprisingly comfortable — they don’t have that jagged/hard plastic. Every single time I wore them, I got tons of compliments!
+The Lake sale is ongoing! These Relax sets have been the bestseller among Magpies this week.
+Gorgeous $95 accent table/stand. This is in my cart because my desk is so small and I’m often throwing a stack of notebooks and notepads on the floor to make room. I think if I had this to place my notebooks on right next to me, things might be better!
+I just ran out of my RMS priming/blurring serum I typically blend with my Westman Atelier foundation and realized I still had some of this stuff from Elemis, which is super similar, and you can currently get it for 20% off with code JEN20, making it slightly less expensive than the RMS. I really love this process of blending a glowy primer with the foundation for a more dewy look.
+Still digesting and so grateful for all your tips and suggestions on Disney here! I just ordered these two disposable cameras for my kids, per a reader rec đŸ™‚
By: Jen Shoop
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Currently in my everyday makeup lineup —
01. I start with Sarah Creal Face Flex concealer (color 1). It is SO good. I still think Cle de Peau is the GOAT but I really like this for my undereyes — it’s brightening, easy to blend, has a nice fluid formula, and most importantly does not settle into fine lines. This brand was built by 64 year old entrepreneur who has been in the beauty business for decades; she realized none of the products she was using were really meeting the needs for her aging skin and launched this brand specifically for more mature women. I’m a huge fan of the concealer and also this magical brush to apply it with.
02. RMS Super Natural Radiance Serum (color: Light Aura), which I dot onto cheekbones, chin, and forehead, and then blend with a few swipes of Westman Atelier foundation stick (Atelier 0) using this Merit brush. The result is incredible! It’s so beautifully blended, luminous, etc. I learned about this technique from Emese!
03. Gucci bronzer — an absolute 10/10 bronzer. So natural. I use color two and swipe across cheeks, top of forehead, and nose.
04. Anastasia Brow Pencil. I alternate between this and the BDB version — they’re almost indistinguishable to me, but the latter is less expensive. My right brow is thinner in certain places than my left, and I use this to even out the shapes between the two. (An eyebrow aesthetician once said: “brows are sisters, not twins” — so true.). Then I finish with a brow gel/tint. I’m currently using this one from Refy. If you really need to tame your brows, this is like a super-hold product. It really keeps things exactly where you ask them to be. I might slightly prefer the Kosas Airbrow because it fills, shades, and slicks things into place but isn’t quite as freeze-frame.
05. Goop Colorblur. I alternate between a lot of cream blushes — I have a few colors from Merit, a few colors from R.E.M., one from Rhode (I love the names of her colors), and a few colors from Goop. I love them all and it just depends on what color story I’m after. Right now have been wearing this Goop one in color Afterglow for a deep, flushed winter pink.
06. Saie highlighter. I dab a tiny bit onto my cheeks, browbone, tip of my nose, and cupid’s bow.
08. If I have time/patience, I’ll use this Makeup by Mario palette to do my eyes (I have a few TikTok strategies I implement). Usually, I don’t and just swipe on some of this lid tint in the color taupe using my finger — or just swipe a little concealer onto the lid to even things out.
09. No matter if I’ve applied eyeshadow or not, I do a tiny thin line of this incredible $10 eyeliner (the only thing I have on Amazon auto-delivery — I go through one liner every three months almost on the dot) and finish with a lot of mascara. My longtime favorite mascara is Tower28 but I have been testing this peptide version from new-to-me label Soshe and am really impressed with it, too. I still think Tower28 gets a slight edge here specifically because lashes still feel flexible/not frozen in place, but the Soshe gives great length and separation.
What makeup are you loving these days?
*Makeup bag seen above is from one of the Julia Amory sets (15% off with JEN-15)! My print is sold out but I really love these and am contemplating buying a second set to have. They are so thoughtfully designed — interiors are lined and pocketed, and the three shapes are the perfect sizes. When they get dirty, I just toss into the laundry and then dry inside out.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
I know my Magpies are strategic women — many of you are already mapping out what to wear for Easter, Derby, Mother’s Day, spring weddings, and beyond! Sharing a few of my favorite dresses for the season ahead. A few quick notes:
+I couldn’t help myself — I broke out the gorgeous Mille dress (15% off with JEN15) above over the weekend even though I couldn’t wear it out of the house (it was like 30 degrees and windy). It is SO comfortable and the color/motif are gorgeous. This brand runs big, FYI. And it was just a happy coincidence that I was drinking a Grapeade Spindrift when I snapped these — my latest obsession. Have you tried it?! It tastes like concord grape! Delicious!
+I am really drawn to the floral scoopneck styles from high-end designers Emporio Sireneuse, Emilia Wickstead, and Agua Bendita. You can get the look for less with this under $100 Quince, this Staud (on sale for $149), and this Tularosa. Sharing more spring dress and event wear finds under $200 at the bottom of this post!
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Spring is unpredictable – sunshine one morning and a deep windy chill the next. We’re not even in spring, but this past weekend, we had a 60 degree afternoon chased by 40 mph winds followed by a 21 degree morning. Even now, layering is coming in handy. Today, sharing some thoughts (and discoveries) in the transitional layer category. First up — feeling majorly inspired by trench coat layering. I found all of these photos on Pinterest, which is my favorite place to ferret out and curate street style inspo.
This leather trench from Aritizia turned my head. I’m not much of a leather jacket lady in general, but this looked so unexpected and luxe! I cannot believe it’s under $300. If the leather is too much, try this Mango classic instead, which I already own and adore. Great price for an iconic look.
Below, a few layered early spring looks you might consider —
What is a good life? As I get older, I am realizing the core of it is simpler than I imagined. Written as a reduced fraction, a good life equals my loved ones happy, healthy, and close at hand, a blank page in front of me, and plans loose enough to live in.
But let me look at the unspooled equation. What does a good life really look like, stretched out across its decades? I think it includes falling in love and walking around on heartstrings and looking after the people who look after you and succeeding at something you’re really good at, but it’s not 29,200 days of sunshine, birdsong, and heartswell. Because a good life also includes:
Mistakes
Bad break-ups with the wrong ones (so you can meet the right one)
Terrible first drafts
“I have no idea what I’m doing”
Closed doors
Years that ask (versus answer)
Criticism
Getting caught in the rain
“We regret to inform you” letters
Throwing everything out and starting over from scratch
“How did I miss that?!”
Outgrowing friendships
Asking for help
Change, change, and more change
Walking in the wrong direction
Grief (love’s twin sister)
What I mean is, every “good life” has a lot of bad days — they’re part of the territory. We could probably go through this list and find life-affirming reframes for each one — rejections are redirections! — but we might be flirting with toxic positivity. And some of this stuff, frankly, sucks. (“These are the days that must happen to you.”) Instead, I’ll reiterate one of my favorite quotes from Anais Nin: “In life, you will make mistakes, and those, too, are correct.” Don’t return the groceries with the cart, you know?
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+Tuckernuck just released a gorgeous belt that reminds me a lot of my ones from Dehanche. The brown croc would be super versatile but try the taupe! I feel like you’ll wear it more than you think, especially as we head into spring. SO GOOD with ecru/white denim.
+THANK YOU to the Magpie reader who suggested this children’s guide to Disney World (they release a new one each year so information is relevant). I bought one for each of my children and they have been reading it nonstop. It provides images, descriptions, and ratings (i.e., wild, scary, dark, loud) of all of the rides, maps, and even a space at the end for them to fill in their memories and get autographs from the characters. My children are obsessed with it! It’s also a good way to give them a realistic preview of what’s ahead. Strong rec. BTW, all of your comments on my Disney post were SO insightful. A gold mine!
+Sezane’s new spring collection is delightful. Love this bold sweater and this eyelet dress, which reminds me of the styles from Veronica Beard (compare with this, this).
+I know I’m the last person on earth to try this stuff, but my mom tucked a mini La Neige lip mask into my stocking this year and I used it every single time I am in my bathroom / washing my hands and am now all out! I love the consistency of it. I just ordered this set of minis. I also just finished up my entire tube of Lip Oasis and ordered a new one — I keep that one in my purse with me. It’s hydrating but also delivers this great glassy sheen. It was just restocked recently after being sold out!
+Love the shape and wash of these jeans. I like the idea of pairing with a classic white tee for day and a sophisticated (but affordable) top like this for evening.
+Seriously fun earrings for vacation. (Just pair with a simple white dress like this, this, or this and you’re set.)
I was so excited because while compiling this post, Crown Affair reached out to offer us 15% off with code JENS15, and I use (and am PASSIONATE) about several Crown Affair products in my post-shower routine.
01. Best hair towel ever. Dramatically reduces drying time and has the most brilliant design – you tuck the towel ends into this elastic in the back. A cinch! (15% off with JENS15)
02. Lolavie Glossing Detangler. I use this right after I rough dry with a towel, before brushing and putting up in the Crown Affair hair towel. It is such a great heat protectant and really detangles my highly tangle-prone hair. (A hair stylist recently urged me to use Olaplex bond raepair to address this issue — she said it’s because my hair is colored, and that Olaplex will really reduce snarls. I’ve also heard really good things about K18. Does anyone have a strong opinion on either?)
03. Leave-in conditioner. I notice an enormous difference every time I use this, especially in the winter. Hair is unbelievably soft and silky. A little goes a long way! I use only on the bottom half of my strands. (15% off with JENS15)
05. Best detangling brush ever. My most-used brush, actually. It detangles wet hair and is also great after you’ve styled hair and don’t want to brush out curls / bent under ends. It detangles without impacting the curl. Also feels great on scalp!
09. Post-heat-styling, I like to use a tiny bit of this oil on my hair ends to sort of seal things in / add a little shine. I also use this product if I’m applying dry shampoo a few days after blowing my hair out — I like to add to the ends to add a little polish/shape/etc.
11. After a few days, I use Crown Affair’s INCREDIBLE dry shampoo (15% off with JENS15). It’s a powder that you brush on and realllly works. Use a heavy hand with this! I like to apply this to roots and then add a spray of this dry shampoo all throughout the rest of my hair.
12. If you ever get “restaurant hair” or just feel like your hair smells old after a few days between shampoos, I swear by this clean-scented hair perfume. It’s luxe and it makes your hair smell divine.
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Veronica Beard’s new arrivals are in and they are perfection. (Above, wearing the Sumira jacket — a current obsession.) I know a lot of you have already been shopping the latest drop; so many of us own this denim vest! I am especially loving this eyelet jacket and this canvas clutch version of my Dash bag (which you’ve seen me style hundreds of times in my What I Loved Wearing Series!). I love the on-trend east-west shape of the bag and luxe brown leather trim. All my top picks below…
And some styling inspo below. I feel like this green dress styles itself for spring (I love the idea of pairing with a sandal like this), but if we want to break it in now, add some suede accessories…
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I was just over at Nordstrom and noticed they are running a fantastic winter sale with great designer buys, including my new Celine sunglasses, which are no longer on sale in pink, but are available in a chic ivory hue.
I was moved last week when I came across an Instagram post on what not to say to someone who has delivered a premature baby. It opened my heart. I saved it to return to if a friend delivers prematurely. Mainly, it reminded me that we just don’t talk enough about this stuff. Pregnancy and childbirth — in all their permutations — are so normalized, and the outcome so beautiful (a perfect miracle of a baby!), that we often overlook its intensity. This morning, I’m republishing a post from two years ago reflecting on the differences between my two birth experiences, and proposing that a big part of recovering is finding the bandwidth to let yourself feel everything. If you are a mother about to give birth, or recovering from childbirth, or grieving a childbirth that did not go as planned, or simply trying to make heads and tails of it in any way, creating space for you to feel it all right here today.
****
A few posts back, I was writing about motherhood, and how I occasionally find it so demanding that I ask, “Is it this hard for everyone? Or is it just me?” I harbor the same questions when I think about my first c-section. It was technically “an emergency c” because my water broke early the morning I was scheduled to go in, and so they expedited the operation, but there was nothing dramatic about it — all went smoothly, straight-forwardly, with no hitches or problems. At least this was what I was told. “Everything went great!” “You’re healing wonderfully!” “Textbook!” And yet I’d found the entire situation so stressful and inhumane that I did not want to be alone for the first few weeks afterward, as I was afraid to sit by myself with its memory. I had convulsed so violently — from shock? from medication? — that I had seemed to be levitating off the operating table and was therefore not able to hold my baby after she was born. The minutes ticked by in painful agony. I wept the entire time. Tears dripped right down my cheeks into my mouth and off my chin. I could not wipe them clean as my arms has been placed outstretched on the table and I was too scared — perhaps too paralyzed — to move them. I felt alien from myself, barred from my own body. I cried and cried in the weeks aftermath, as I slowly processed the enormity of it. I soaked my husband’s shirts with tears. I did not heal from that childbirth, emotionally, until I delivered my second child, also by c-section. That second birthing experience released me: I emerged triumphant. I remember beaming into the camera in the recovery room, clutching my baby to myself, feeling wild surges of ecstasy and happiness. “We did it, we did it!” I remember saying to Mr. Magpie. Not only because our second, and our last, was safely in my arms, but because I had made my way from the deepest chasm of fear surrounding the births of our children to the apex of joy.
I have thought about this a lot over the past few years because — how did it happen? I think it has to do with my mindset by the time my son was born. Not only was a better prepared, emotionally, for the experience, but I also knew I’d endured it and had eventually made my way back to center. I trusted myself to complete the same lap twice. I reasoned that even if my experience of it was as terrible as the first had been, I could grit my teeth with a little more conviction. This, too, will pass. I was also better able to advocate for myself and my needs. I talked at length with the doctors about the medications I wished to avoid, my fear of the terrible shakes, my desire to hold my baby right after he was born, and they listened and delivered. But, I think, most importantly: in the two years between my children’s births, I was able to sit with all of the mixed emotions of the first birth and let them breathe. After initially avoiding eye contact with all forms of memory from my daughter’s delivery, I faced them by talking them out with my sister, my husband, my mother, other wonderful women. They listened and gently reminded me that even though “everything had gone great!”, it was OK to feel upset about the experience. I even laid down one afternoon in the weeks leading up to my son’s birth and tried to think through the entire experience as crisply as I could: this happened, then this happened, then this happened. I believed that if I could look that morning dead in the eye, I could escape from its gripping fear. I devised new strategies to lean on, including a plan of repeating the words: “Focus on me, not on the storm” instead of attempting to recite the Hail Mary, as I was wont to do. The Hail Mary is lovely but a bit long in the tail when you are hanging on every second. Or rather, when, each second trudges by in leaden shoes.
I recently came across a quote from an American Buddhist, Pema Chodron, in which she wrote:
“The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
This, I think, is the chiming answer to not only why I was able to have a more positive experience with my second birth, but also to so many of my questions of heart: find room for it all. Stretch out your heart. Don’t be economical in the face of its wild, unencumberable movements. Imagine you are pouring from the center, not the rim. You are a thundering waterfall, not a trickle-trackle stream. Many things can be true at once and it is not your job, when you are healing, to figure out anything but how to make space for it all, so nothing creeps out sideways, skinny-like.
Today, I want to run a bit of a retraction. I wish I’d not asked “Is it harder for me?” because I think this might put us in the damning straits of comparison, but rather: “How can I make space for it all?” How can I permit myself to feel twenty-seven ways about motherhood without the standard predicate of guilt? Let’s take as a given that we are all doing our very best, and, as a Magpie pointed out, that motherhood will take as much as we have to give, whether we have one child or seven. It’s OK to feel wildly overwhelmed. It’s OK to be absurdly gleeful while watching your son eat. (Truly, what is it about watching my children eat that offers such deep satisfaction?). It’s OK to repair things after you’ve misspoken or raised your voice. It’s OK to weep over the little drawings your daughter left on your desk. Motherhood asks for it all, so might as well open up my heart as wide as possible and pour from the center.
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Shopping Break.
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+Lake is running a sale starting today (it might open up at 10 a.m?) — I’ve heard it will include Relax sets (!) and kimono sets, which have steadily become some of my absolute favorite possessions. I own several colors/patterns in each of those styles. They are exactly what I want to put on when I am not feeling well / am particularly tired / want to “crawl into bed.” The material is so soft and springy and delightful. I need more Lake Pajamas like a hole in my head but I did pick up this “bundle” — great for travel (in case it’s hot or cold at destination, you’re prepared for either!) and I love the print.
+Goop’s secret beauty sale also ends tonight — 20% off with code BEAUTYVIP. Don’t miss the microderm exfoliator! I used it over the weekend to wake my face up and get a good base glow before going out to a concert!
+Just ordered a pair of these “booty boost” leggings from Spanx in a fun green color. Had to get the matching half-zip, too! My early spring fitness look.
+These fantastic everyday, every-occasion earrings were restocked! I love mine.
+OK, these are a great pair of jeans from J. Crew Factory. I just got them in last week and the fit is amazing. Run TTS. Strong rec. I wore them twice in the past few days; you can see me in them here! Really comfortable with a great silhouette. (I also ordered these but did not care for the fit as much, FWIW!)
+I know these are spendy but my son LOVES these mesh shorts and I like that they are not super-long.
+This sweatshirt has an actual cult following. They sell out almost immediately after each restock!
+Another GORGEOUS spring wedding guest dress option.
+I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I’m really impressed with this “wrinkle pen.” It does appear to smooth out (or maybe fill) wrinkle lines. I love it!
