This morning, republishing an edited version of a post initially titled “A January Reminder.” Frankly, it’d be better titled “a daily reminder,” as I have thought back on this note from this Magpie so many times, and been chastised by its truth. Today, I am thinking of a friend going through a rough patch in her marriage. From the outside in, you’d never know. A reminder to go lightly, to go easy.
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“After drop off today, I drove by the house of neighbor whose husband is getting a kidney tomorrow. I literally thought to myself: from the outside, with the snow and toddler toys, you would never know what they are going through and reminded myself it holds true for probably most people we meet.”
-A Magpie Reader
The world softens, as though a line run slack,
when I remember that many of us are privately nursing broken hearts and invisible griefs.
If I can look beyond the sunny Instagram posts and perfectly-packed Bento box lunches, or the de rigueur smile and wave from the neighbor, or the unexpected outburst from a stranger —
if I can see past the stipules, be they thorny or decorative,
I so often find a tender center.
Today I am challenging myself to ignore the guard petals,
and, equally, to be unafraid of looking sadness or hardship in its face.
Years ago, I plumbed for meaning: “what does it mean to be a woman of substance?” At the time, I doubted myself. Career transitions and a string of years that asked instead of answered had left me wraith-like with worry and insecurity. I was straining to sketch out a dress form I might eventually fill. If I could only identify its dimensions, perhaps I could model myself against it.
I now believe that a woman of substance is someone so at ease with herself, she can give herself to others without self-diminishment or self-projection. She can be happy for friends, and sad for them, too, without losing anything of herself. She can listen without interjecting her own story; she can marvel without battling jealousy; she can endure unkindnesses without questioning herself. She does not need the last word, the biggest laugh, the adulation, the apology: she is full without the feedback. She stands still in her center.
I work to be that woman.
What I mean to say to myself this October morning:
Find ease today — both in your dealings with others and yourself.
As always, onward —
Post-Scripts.
+On looking squarely at grief.
+Life somehow compensates for our losses.
+On giving myself a soft landing when I need it.
Shopping Break.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+Mentioned last week, but can’t stop raving about the fantastic cotton sweaters from Alice Walk – absolutely perfect for this in-between weather time. I own this in two colors and just snagged one of these, too. IMO the price is incredible relative to quality. They aren’t cheap but I feel like I’ve seen similar priced in the $300-$400, and these are superior.
+THE BEST inexpensive sleeping pillows. At the moment of writing this, 20% off!
+Sea has some great new arrivals – into this marble print dress and these wide-leg oxblood trousers.
+Speaking of oxblood, most sizes still available in this perfect fall top. Of course love the color – would be so chic with brown denim, brown leather, dark wash denim, ivory, moss green…!
+Love the fall colors in this dress. Under $250, great family portrait or fall work presentation dress.
+I’m always drawn to structured journals like these, with self-improvement / self-reflections prompts!
+Sambas in a perfect fall colorway.
+Look for less for my Sezane Emile sweater.
+A chic, logo-less look for less for the Metier tote (and like 1/20th the price).
+Underbed storage is a must if you live in a small space. These were essential for NY living.
+This chic skirt stopped me in my tracks. More fab skirts for the season here.
+If you’re already thinking ahead to Christmas outfits, two items I’ve found for children that I love: this fair isle sweater (heirloom quality — pass down to little brothers, cousins, etc; also can be unisex) and this tartan baby dress.
Curious what size you take in the Alice Walk sweaters? They are lovely and can’t tell if they’d fit snug or a bit oversized!
Hi!! If Mini also likes journaling, this Daily Examen for kids is super cute: https://catholicfamilycrate.com/products/children-s-daily-examen-notepad
Such beautiful sentiments! <3
I wanted to mention that if mini likes the Little Sister series, you may want to check out eBay for copies of the out-of-print (non-illustrated) Little Sisters from the 80s and 90s! I did this for my stepdaughter — it was one of the first series she really got into as a young reader, and then I continued with the regular BSC books as she got older (she especially loved the Super Specials — remember those?!)
My stepdaughter has never cottoned to graphic novels so finding the “vintage” versions was a great solution for us! Just thought I’d mention it since there are TONS more books available in the original formats 🙂
xx
Great tip – thank you!
“I so often find a tender center.” beautiful phrase – even the way the words go together: “tender center”.. May we look for the tender center in ourselves, and in others, too.
Thank you, Sadaf – I love the idea of seeking the tender center in ourselves, too. A soft landing!
xx
I needed to hear this today. I got some very unexpected and IMO very baseless blowback from someone in a work context today and rather than try to refute/defend, I just let it go. It seemed to say a lot more about them than it did about me, and the 1:23am timestamp on their email suggests their circumstances were less than ideal. I just didn’t want to spend any time and energy on correcting them, I just wanted to move ahead with the work itself.
Love this perspective — you’re inspiring me! xx
Happy New Year, Jen!
“many of us are privately nursing broken hearts and invisible griefs” — So true. In many cases we really only see what is on the surface, or what people choose to show to the world. I am reminding myself of this after a strange interaction not too long ago with some friends of ours. At that time I decided to let it go and offer a wider berth, not knowing exactly what they are going through. I realize that in doing so, I feel lighter, more at peace.
“She stands still in her center.” — oooh that gives me goosebumps, Jen! I’ll be carrying this thought with me as a 2024 mindset.
So impressed with you and Anna for greeting those moments of undue turbulence with such grace. Can be SO hard to “just let something go.” Ahh! You’re inspiring me!
Happy new year!
xx
I am in the final stages of editing my personal statement for my grad school applications (applying for my masters in counseling). In my essay, I talk about how I loved school because class expectations were clear and relatively easy to meet. Therefore, it was easy for me to be successful in school. Once I entered the “real world” I realized that it’s up to me to define expectations, or “criteria for success” to guide my own life. A daunting challenge.
You wrote that a former version of yourself was “straining to sketch out a dress form [you] might eventually fill. If [you] could only identify its dimensions, perhaps [you] could model [yourself] against it.” In next paragraph, It seems to me that you have since clearly defined your own criteria for success, or the “dress form” you might fill.” Curious if you feel this way, or if you would argue that you have grown away from needing the defined criteria your younger self sought.
Such a good catch and provocation. I do think I have a better vision (that I’ve arrived at more organically, over time, navigating various situations and observing the interactions and models of others VERSUS, as I was doing back then, sort of free-handing it) of what it means to me to be a woman of substance. I’m not there yet, but I know what she looks like.
xx