Image via.
Last week, I came across a fascinating Reddit thread (represented here on Instagram) asking: “What is something that seems innocent but is actually pretty intimate?” The responses were stirring, especially: “For the first real haircut I got after lockdown eased, the barber gently unlooped my mask from my ear. Shockingly intimate. Sorta took my breath away for a second.” This dredged up a memory I’d forgotten: my first manicure after lockdown. I was so moved by this complete stranger massaging my hands, by the incredible humanity of it: a shocking thaw after so many months of isolation.
What about you? Have you had any moments of unexpected connection with a stranger like this?
I’m thinking specifically of a poem by Danusha Laméris, titled “Small Kindnesses“:
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”
A few of the gorgeous examples our Magpies on Instagram shared when I asked this question last week:
“Catching someone’s eye across a room and knowing you’re thinking the same thing.”
“When the subway is too crowded for you to hold onto anything and a stranger gently stands firmly to protect you from falling when the car stops.”
“Watching someone eat. People always look so vulnerable to me when they’re eating?”
“When someone helps you take off your coat.”
“Seeing someone’s handwriting for the first time.”
“I am a PA and see women for their annual exams. Sometimes I help older women with stiff joins unhook their bras for the exam. I wonder how intimate it feels to them for me to assist?
The PA example…! Wow. A few additional ones that came to mind for me:
+When a complete stranger advocates for you in some minor skirmish — “m’am, she was just trying to get through,” or “hey hey hey! hold the door for her!” or rolls her eyes to demonstrate solidarity (“what is he thinking?!?”).
+Standing behind someone at the grocery till — seeing everything they’re purchasing. Like, wow, what are you making with eight pomegranates? And I guess you’re lactose intolerant!
+Helping someone collect items they’ve dropped or spilled — it feels so human! On your knees, collecting an armload of things you’ve clumsily dropped? They’re such a humility to it.
+Glancing at what your neighbor is watching or reading on an airplane. There is nothing more charming to me than someone serious-looking binge-watching “Say Yes to the Dress.”
+Having your hair shampooed by someone else before a haircut.
+When someone gets something down for your from a high shelf. This happens about 50% of the time I’m in the grocery. (I’m 5’0.) Men and women alike have rescued me as I’ve been scaling the shelves, resting my feet on some shelf that probably can’t actually hold my weight. It feels so tender — some sort of shared recognition of my own limits? I physically can’t get this – I need help! Plus, having someone hand you the bottle of olive oil, or box of snack packs that you obviously can’t leave the store without feels weirdly confessional.
What about you?
Post-Scripts.
+Green flags — the opposite of triggers.
+A October (and November, and December…) reminder.
+Reflections on one of my favorite Christmas hymns.
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
Most of my shopping picks arrived in this morning’s guide to the rarest and deepest Black Friday deals, but a few additional finds:
+Charming under-$100 lady jacket in the cheeriest red.
+My son loves this interactive shoe-lace-tying book — there is one in his classroom and we just ordered one for home, too!
+I just ordered these gift tags and these gift card holders from Sarah Tucker’s collab with Joy Creative Shop. So adorable! Code MAGPIE10 gets you 10% off. I’m especially excited about the gift card holders. I usually give the teachers in my children’s school gift cards, and then bundle with something small and usually edible.
+These long-sleeved ribbed crewnecks look divine.
+Picked up this Kule tee and a few socks for Mr. Magpie. (These were already on sale, but the entire site is 30% off with EARLY30.)
+I also ordered a few items from Quince this week: my favorite sweater but in brown now (already own in the cream), and a cashmere sweatsuit for Mr. Magpie (this and this, in charcoal gray). I also like their cashmere hoodies for men — very handsome.
Building on the dog interaction, I feed my neighbor’s dog every night. Long story but he definitely needs additional food so my rescue dog and I go out every night, rain or shine, to give 2 cups of dry dog food to “Monty” the German Shepherd who lives 3 doors down.
My AC guy who always shows up for me when I call, which is huge when you live in Houston, TX. Anyways, he came to look at our furnace the other day and I could tell he’d had a long day. I asked if he’d like some water or a beer. He said the latter so I got him a Shiner Bock and we peaceably sat together and chit chatted while he enjoyed it.
How beautiful are these examples?! Thank you so much for sharing. You’ve nudged me / inspired me to ask a future technician / delivery person / repair person if they’d like a refreshment next time they’re in. I usually think to offer gatorades/waters to delivery people but so sweet to say “hey, sit down and enjoy a beer — you’ve earned it.”
xx
Thinking of a young German man who very respectfully sat in total silence, no phone or music, for a 45 minute flight with our thighs pressed tight together by the tiny seats. He had no English, plain stovepipe light wash jeans, and a crisp white tee. At the end we sought to acknowledge each other with no words at all in common, just small smiles.
Getting your hair washed at the hairdresser.
My kids have carnets de santé, the French health notebooks, and watching their doctors write little cursive notes about their development is so tender?
The first time I saw my pediatrician, my PT, my midwife without their masks. Some of these people it was two or three years and we actually had no idea what each others’ faces looked like! Just kind eyes.
When the barista hands you your coffee really carefully.
Checking out physical library books.
These are so lovely – the plane example especially! I’ve definitely been on the Subway and be crammed in like a sardine in that way, and everyone is trying their hardest to keep their bodies and clothes to themselves, but sometimes it just can’t be helped!
xx
I love the sentiment of these so much. Some that come to mind for me are:
– When there’s a handwritten note with a package — like an Etsy order or a heart drawn on delivery food packaging
– People in your neighbourhood that you nod to or say hello to without further conversation — the liminal, unfleshed-out yet utterly sincere connection
– The moment when a plane lands and the pilot says, “We’ve now arrived in X place. If you’re not from here, welcome. If you’re from here, welcome home”. This happens in the city I lived in for 13 years and though it never felt like home, every arrival choked me up, even if I’d only been away for the weekend
Lastly, I don’t know if this counts, but recently we’ve been walking the beagle of a diagonally, across-the-street neighbour. We don’t know the family who own him and there’s a bit of a language barrier, and it’s already an experience that’s been so intimate and joyful and life-affirming. It feels enormous in its smallness and I’m so grateful we’re able to do this. Teary-eyed right now writing this!
Omg yes when you’re coming back from abroad and the immigration officer hands your passport back to you and says “welcome home” I get all choked up even though I’m just coming back from like, 8 days in Europe and not 20 years in exile .
I love this convention – I notice this, too! It gives me such a strong sense of belonging!
xx
Gosh yes, Anna! Also, too funny, “…not 20 years in exile.” I remember once my husband picked me up from the airport after I’d been away for 48 hours for a girls trip. I’d had the best time with old friends yet as we pulled away from the “kiss and ride” pick-up point I started sobbing because I was so happy to be home with him in that moment. Is it possible that the emotion of planes a la how we feel way more emotional at altitude extends to immigrations and the airport reunion points, too? It’s giving Love Actually opening and closing scenes…
I completely agree with this line of thinking — there is something about being on a plane / traveling that throttles you right out of yourself and into this more tender/vulnerable space. I’ve had many weepy moments in airports / planes / just after / etc! I think it has to do with feeling displaced!
xx
The beagle connection! I completely understand. Something so intimate about needing to depend on a neighbor to care for a pet…love this.
And the hand-written note with an Etsy order! I’ll never forget this: years ago, I bought a pair of Manolo Blahniks on eBay. I was probably 25 and still in the throes of the Sex and the City shoe fetishization era, and would spend hours hunting for vintage/gently pre-loved pairs that fit my pixie sized feet. I ordered a gold strappy pair for around $110, and when I received them, the previous owner had tucked a note inside: “Have FUN in these!” I’ll never forget it — not ever! I still think of it every time I buy or sell something pre-used, including things we offload via Craigslist. I always tuck a little note like that in. It was just so personal and made me feel connected to the seller, and to the shoes! I never wear those shoes but I can’t for the life of me get rid of them. Have FUN in these!
xx
Oh Jen, thank you for sharing this. “Have FUN in these!”, what a beautiful sentiment to pass on to someone! I think a short note finds its way exactly to the recipient like few communication approaches can. It also reminds me that when I was in primary school — and sometimes high school on the odd occasions I didn’t make my lunch — my mum would put a little note in my lunch box telling me she loved me. And it was always torn from a piece of cereal box or a receipt or an envelope, so looking back I can tell in the urgency of both saying, “I love you”, and making sure this was completed in the flurry of the morning.
Ps those shoes sound so fabulous and definitely like an essay that could be written about the precious sartorial heirlooms of our own history!
I love the detail about the “I love yous” being written on cereal box scrap / receipts / envelopes. Love always finds a way, right? Never fusses over context.
xx
I haven’t commented in so long – miss it here! But I’m honored my submission was mentioned <3
Aw, welcome back! :). Thanks for jumping in!
So many related to (new) motherhood…
The nurse in the hospital who helped me get up to go the bathroom after 30+ hour labor and then a c-section. Her care and grace during a delicate and painful situation will forever be etched in my memory is true kindness.
And anytime anyone holds the door when I’m navigating a stroller or tells me my baby is beautiful. Thank you to those people. You don’t know how wonderful you make moms feel!
Oh man – I intimately relate to this! I remember the first time I got onto my feet after having my first c-section, and it was just to walk to the bathroom, and I burst into tears on the way back to the bed. The nurses were so gentle with me. “I know, it’s so much / it’s a lot / here, take my hand.” I was crying because I was in pain and exhausted, but then I was crying because of their tenderness…
Thanks for that memory!
XX
The handwriting example! So true. Here’s my entry- my old PT once needed to work on one of my feet. I was lying on the table and he just grabbed me by both ankles to move me down a few more inches so he could have access and omg my heart went ?!?!?!?!.
Wow – I can imagine how that felt!!! xx