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Ed. note: The original version of this musing included a quote from author Alice Munro talking about how she felt she’d missed the opportunity to be present in her children’s lives when they were little. After publishing this post on 9/1, two Magpies wrote in to let me know about some dark details that have come forward about Alice Munro and her complicity in the assault of her daughter. I had not known of this and apologize for any confusion or triggering this may have caused. I have since removed the quote.
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I routinely come across posts on social media reminding me that I have only 18 summers with my children, babies don’t keep, etc. My skin chills in defense when I read these words, even as I sense their earnestness, their truth. Even as I have been consciously rearranging my life to spend more time with my children now so that I can run wide of these regrets later. I wrote a year or two ago about the day I picked my son up from Montessori — this was back when our former nanny handled carpool. I can still remember the way he beamed and shrieked at the top of the steps when he saw me, and then skitter-skattered down the steps, his little legs moving as quickly as they could, leaping right into my arms. He talked about me picking him up to everyone who would listen. It was the most wounding awakening. I told myself all kinds of things. I inwardly insisted that I was contributing to the household income, and that I should treat it with the same seriousness and commitment I would a more traditional job. I reminded myself I was modeling devotion to a creative life, to entrepreneurial ambitions, and that I wanted my children and especially my daughter to see that. I reasoned that if I picked my son up every afternoon, then he’d ask why I didn’t take him in the mornings, or why I wasn’t the one taking him to t-ball (his father’s duty). It feels that there is never enough of me to go around as a mother, no matter how much I give. I felt this acutely during the pandemic, when we were warded off together in our too-snug New York City apartment. Virtually no alone time, no private quarters, and still they clung to me, clamored for me. “Mama mama mama mama” fifteen hundred times an hour. Those were long days. In the aftermath of that quarantine period I still think that high school teens had it worst out of the lot of us. Can you imagine missing your first dances, your chance at a varsity team, your fumbling maiden interactions with crushes? But just after the teens, and probably the alienated elderly, I think it was parents of young children with no “pod” to lean on. I feel we are still processing that period, and the way time pooled around us, threatening to drown. On the positive side, we enjoyed many months of close bonding together, no separations. We made the mundane festive. We learned just how forbearing we could be. I discovered that the sun still rises. But those were tough times.
I digress. Because my point is his sundrop face at the top of the steps, which has reappeared to me over and over again, especially in my worst moments of maternal self-doubt.
This year, we are doing things differently. Since May, we have been without a nanny. The children were in day camps (9-3) for about six weeks of the summer, and we occasionally had two neighborhood teens alternate as “mother’s helpers” during the mornings the children were not in them. Even with this support, the summer was an adjustment. Since May, my working hours have been 9-2:30 (on a good day — often, exercise and errands whittled this down to a slender 10-2), and I have reclaimed my roles as fraulein of bathtime and fetcher of infinite snacks in that scrabbly time between school and dinner. The children are older, though, and have learned (by dint of repetition on the parts of their parents) how to be companionable with boredom, or as we call it “quiet time.” It took a full summer to acclimate them, but the slow unfurling of August, with no camps or plans to speak of, completed the process. And now I retrieve them from their school, and they are vibrating with energy, and they snap at me for not bringing them the right snacks in the car, nuzzle up in my arms, jibber-jabber about their days, slam their doors, curl up on my lap in my office, scream about the injustices of their worlds. How could I possibly not have a brown paper lunch bag for my daughter’s first school assignment?! Etc. They are intemperate with mood. I know, of course, that this is largely because we are transitioning from the slackness and slow mornings of summer, and they are internalizing all the new rules and customs of their school worlds, and they get home and need to let out some steam. Parents are the collateral. But after the emotional melee, after the horde of snacks, they retreat to their rooms for quiet time, and I think to myself: “If nothing else, we taught them how to be alone this summer, and just in time.” Because now I can usually sit down to my desk and sneak in some editing, or make my way through my inbox, or undertake the other admin projects that paw at me, for some portion of the afternoon hours. I am always grateful for those little windfalls of productivity, but I also remind myself: “Even if I don’t get anything done, this is what I want, for myself, for my children. To be more present and available to them while they are young and need me.”
Sometimes I bristle at my own logic. Am I doing this to avoid regret? And is that a sound reason to do something? But if I tilt my head the other way, I see that I am trying to draw my aspirations into alignment with my actions. Time is a tool to express your values, etc. Specifically, I want to be like my mother, who was somehow always there despite having five children. I feel as though she never missed a beat, a performance, an opportunity to volunteer in the classroom, a moment to praise or celebrate her children. Equally, she never missed an occasion for correction — by that I mean that she was dialed in on our whereabouts and behavior, and would not tolerate infractions. I hesitate to call her strict, because she was almost unfathomably patient and calm, but she ran a tight ship. Firm, I guess. She knew how to set a boundary. Now I see all of this as an expression of love. She still makes me feel like the most important part of her life, even though I know I share that coveted spot with four siblings and my father. I want my children to feel that kind of boundless love, that always-thereness.
So here we are. My workday shrunk down to just the core. I am learning to be ruthless with my attention, to prioritize what matters. I noticed this week that I have developed an interesting practice, or skill? In the mornings, I take my own creative temperature. Nothing formal, just — am I on hi or lo today? If the former, I sprint to my desk and put pen to paper as quickly as possible. I’ll forgo errands and exercise in pursuit of Helicon. If it’s lo, I’ll permit myself a bit more fluidity. Maybe I’ll go for a longer run, or tackle some of the aspects of running the blog that are less creatively intense. Then the afternoons and evenings are more family-focused. I will say the biggest challenge is when I find myself galloping away with words, and the shot clock to school pick up is ticking down. It is the most frenetic, strangling feeling, and I hate it. But we are finding our way, and writing our way through it. As always, onward —
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Some shopping poetry for us…
G. LABEL NOAH CARDIGAN // LA LIGNE DUNTON JEANS // GOOP VITAMIN C SERUM // VERONICA BEARD DENIM SKIRT (ON SUPER SALE) // CREWCUTS BARN JACKET // HOTEL LOBBY HAND SOAP
La Ligne restocked their Duntons and they’re already nearly sold out. I am so bummed I missed out on my size again! I like the vision of these with a feminine top. // If you make one knitwear investment this season, can I make a plug for G Label’s belted Noah? Restocked again this year and I’m constantly wearing it. Perfect weight and color. The overlong sleeves add just a touch of interest/edge, and I like that you can belt for a polished finish. // While there, a note that Goop is offering 25% off their beauty favorites. I’ve written detailed reviews of my top Goop beauty picks here, but if I had to narrow it down to two buys, I’d plug this microderm instant glow exfoliator (a two minute facial) and their vitamin C serum (I’ve tried at least ten vitamin C products and this is my favorite). // If you buy only one thing from the J. Crew LWD sale, snag this adorable canvas barn coat for your boy! // Petite Plume is running a huge sale. My children love their jammies, and I got a ton of wear out of this chic caftan at the pool this summer. // Veronica Beard is offering 25% off their sale. Shared my top picks here, some of which have sold out, but this denim skirt was a late discovery. With code, it’s under $70. // Excuse me, but this Mango suede jacket?! I have myself signed up for an alert for a restock! (Scratches the VB Andrea itch for a fraction of the price?) And their bow-front denim jacket is also exceptional. Wow. // Still obsessing over my primary bath upgrade: fancy hand soap. Smells like heaven. // Wearing Julia Amory’s babe pants above.
Also, some notes on styling the aforementioned denim skirt…
COS TEE // SKIRT // BAG // SHOES // JACKET
“I am learning to be ruthless with my attention, to prioritize what matters.”
I took a few things from this article but this one remains the strongest. My kids are grown & gone and I still glean. Thanks for your words. Your blog is my favorite. I save it all up for an end of the week treat.
I’m so glad this resonated – thank you so much for letting me know!!
xx
And thank you SO much for your loyal readership!! xx
This is so helpful and interesting – thank you! I also have young children and work for myself, and I’m right there with you trying out different ways to balance it all/feel fulfilled. I would be curious to hear more about the nitty gritty of what you cut out of your workday/life admin to make your new schedule work. I’m always struck by how prolific your blog posting is, and I’m impressed that you can keep up the pace with fewer working hours. Thank you for all the wonderful writing you share with us!
I’m so glad this resonated, and that I’m not alone in this struggle.
In re: what I have cut, I have chosen to cut back on social commitments and also been lighter on exercise. On the social front, Lan and I LOVE to host, but we find it absorbs so, so much energy and time. Menu planning, errand running, recipe testing, even just coordinating on logistics, getting ice, etc, etc — I discovered that any week I was having people over (even for something minor like a dinner with another couple, or even a few cocktails with girlfriends!), I was running on fumes by the end. We are almost too seasoned at entertaining, or too set in our ways about paying attention to every detail. Even when we try our hardest to be low key, we can’t do it. We need a specialty cocktail, themed bar snacks, etc! We just want the best for our friends! So we’ve cut back majorly in that department. We consider this a short season — we need to be family focused right now. There will be lots of time to entertain in the future, and when it’s less challenging to find sitters, time, etc. We also find ourselves limiting our social calendar (say yes to less) and general family calendar by saying “one thing a day,” even on the weekends. You’d be surprised at how much this helps, even in advance of the weekend — fewer presents to buy, outfits to plan, tickets to coordinate, etc. All of this really adds up. Related: we are in a phase of trying to think about what we can batch and outsource. For example, I’ll settle on ONE gift for my daughter/son to give their similarly aged children each season and buy in bulk or at least know exactly what I’ll be buying. Takes the guesswork out of it. We also seek help wherever possible. For example, I had a teenage neighbor help me consign some clothes recently. Even just having her take the photos was a huge help!
On the exercise front, I’m hoping I can eventually motivate myself to get up and run earlier in the day, but one thing at a time. For now, I’m figuring out how to get 2-3 workouts in a week. And doing a lot less socializing. I reason that this is a short season. Even a few years out, we will be needed less in the afternoons and more able to return to our desks once the kids are home.
Last but not least, and probably my most important / functional insight: I’m trying to give myself more grace. Sometimes the kids go 2 days without a bath. Sometimes the snacks are all plucked right out of the pantry. Sometimes we order a pizza for dinner. Sometimes the kids have iPads for extra time. Sometimes bedtime doesn’t happen until 9. Sometimes the uniforms aren’t clean and so they wear yesterday’s. Etc. Nothing novel here – things we all do – but giving myself a longer leash and letting things go (and REALLY letting them go, not saying I am but worrying about them). I have realized I cannot get everything done exactly how I want it done without going crazy, losing my patience, or missing out on something more important. Yesterday, my son was begging my husband to do a science experiment with him out of this book he’s been obsessed with. It was the worst timing — my husband was coming off a long day of work, and we had a huge list of things to get through — car stuff, travel stuff, and he had to cook dinner, and our house was a mess. I was SO impressed and inspired when he said: “You know what? Yes.” He interrupted his agenda to be there with our son and support his interest. We “paid” for it in different ways — he had less time to get through other things (that are still unresolved as I type this!), he missed out on time to decompress himself, we had a later dinner time, etc, but we both feel that this is the season to be a little looser with the admin and more dialed in on the family.
None of this, by the way, is perfect, or without problem! It feels messy, in fact. We are doing it all fast and loose, taking it day by day (minute by minute). Just earlier today, I was at my wit’s end — my daughter doing homework at my feet, my son interrupting every 2.2 seconds to let me know he was a warlock casting spells, while I was desperately attempting to send one email. I thought I was going to lose my mind! It’s a work in progress.
You’re doing great!! Hope my honesty here helps. Maybe it always feels messy in the middle…
xx
Jen, thanks for your honest response! I’ve also often wondered how you’re able to be *so* prolific with high quality content (and also on social, responding to comments here…all the things) given the limitations on your working hours! Even (especially?) after seeing your response, I’m still convinced you’re a super woman. 🙂 Your comment about giving yourself more grace also stuck out–this Type A girl really struggles with this! I know for me it’s a deeper issue that is intertwined with value, self worth, others’ perception, etc. A painful work in progress!
We also have cut back a LOT on hosting. Like you guys, we love going all out and despite trying to pare it back, just cannot do it halfway. I think it’s the curse of “only the best” and being “details” people. (I think we’d have a lot of fun hosting each other! Hah!). We are also strategic about which kids birthday parties we attend. The rule is we only say “yes” if they’re good friends–either of us or our child. Our kids (4 and 2) are young enough where parent attendance is still required and they’re often whole class invite shebangs at a park, play gym, etc. There’s overhead with gifts, scheduling, shifted/missed nap times, and also I feel like my kids turn into such monsters?? All the unlimited sugar/junk food and social energy + altered naptime always seem to result in disaster!
I’ve started exercising in the mornings before the kids get up. The key for me has been to give myself permission to keep it at a self-enforced 30 mins max. I have an idea of what a “real” workout is and it doesn’t fit that definition of 30 mins, but by golly this is something I’ve actually been able to consistently do so I’ll take a suboptimal is better than zero. I save my longer runs (currently training for a 10K) for weekend mornings when it’s not a rush to get out the door by 8 am. I’ll also pre-schedule happy birthday emails sometimes (usually for friends I don’t text on the regular anymore). I’m honestly on the fence about this–it’s so good for efficiency and mental load bc I can batch it and do so when convenient, but part of feeling special on your birthday is knowing someone remembered and took time out of their day to send you a message!
I’ve also wondered what you do with clothes you no longer wear since fashion is a big part of your job, and you also answered that question 🙂
Anyways…all that to say, solidarity! I, too, am in the messy middle. Onwards!
We are on the exact same wavelength, friend. I nodded to everything you wrote, including the 30 minute work out / how we secretly don’t think it’s “a real workout.” I’m so the same way. Especially with running. If I don’t make it at least 3 miles (preferably 3.5-4), I feel like it doesn’t count, but during this phase, I’m trying to just accept the time I have and be proud of myself for moving my body, even if only for 20-30 minutes. Suboptimal is better than zero – amen!
Definitely not superwoman over here – but on the content front, I do think I get a lot of “work” done when I’m not at my desk. I’m thinking about writing while I’m running, I’m emailing myself thoughts and edits while I’m in the carpool line, I often work while I’m waiting in line, etc. So that stuff just never stops. But it never feels like work either? Having a low bar to hit publish helps, too — hehe. I made peace with “better shipped than perfect” a long time ago. Just keep it flowing, keep it going!
xx
Thank you so much for posting the Mango jacket. It’s no longer on the site, but thanks to you, looks like I snagged it. Let’s see if it ships. Looks very tailored, so I sized up to layer. Thank you! @lacey.sacha
SO good!!! Please share how you style!! xx
Hi Jen,
Long-time reader but first-time commenter. This is slightly off-topic and potentially a little controversial but I’m asking because I find that you always put so much thought into your writing and I genuinely value your opinion on this topic . What are you thoughts on continuing to read/quote Alice Munro given the recent revelation that she was complicit in her daughter’s abuse? I’ve struggled to find a balance when it comes to separating an artist from his or her art and am curious as to how you’ve come out on this issue. Thank you!
Hi friend! Thanks for writing in. I am so glad you mentioned this — another Magpie asked me about this exact topic on Instagram — and I am mortified to say I had no idea about that. I’m going to update this post today to mention this. Thanks for letting me know.
Jen
I have spent months praying fervently about this very topic. My goal for this summer was to keep the kids in camp full time, but only use extended day option when it was really and truly necessary. A small step, but a big one for our family. It worked well and I feel so much better about how I spend my time. And turns out, i love picking them up at 3 – they’re a lot different at 3pm than 5pm. Sure, it’s not idyllic every afternoon, but most nights when I go to bed, I’m more calm, with less regret of how I handled a parenting situation because I finally created the space and time to be a mother in my day. I no longer felt like I was just chasing the clock between activities while handing snacks to little hands in the backseat. I learned more about my kids and myself, and owning the primary role at home brings me a great deal of pride. I still have what looks like a big job on paper. But I, like you, have narrowed its footprint to make more room for me, and it feels really good. I still feel ambitious and whole, but I also feel like I finally have the space to luxuriate in our family time. I don’t have it all figured out by any means, and I pray for guidance all the time. I’m continuing my goal for the school year of only using extended day when there is a true, intractable conflict. This school year will require setting homework habits and expectations for my oldest, something my mom did with aplomb. Like you, I am consistently inspired and motivated by the example of my own mom, and I feel like the best thing I can do for my kids in this stage is to set school expectations early, really get to know their friends and friends’ parents, be a visible presence at school, and show up as a whole person in our home, to them and to my husband. Work just needs to fit into a smaller box in my day to make it all happen. Thanks for writing this, i love when my internet friends continue the conversations going on over drinks with my real life friends.
Elizabeth, I’m so happy for you and encouraged by this note! You put it so well: “I have narrowed [work’s] footprint to make more room” for motherhood. I feel the same strains you describe but generally just feel better about the balance, more integrated in their lives, more fulfilled in some way. It is a very difficult line to draw, because I also so value my own work — it makes me feel like “me” — but I’m really encouraged by how things have been going with a little more time for my children right now.
Thanks for the solidarity!
xx
This one resonated with me, too. I work a full time job, but it’s flexible and I *can* arrange my day so I can be home to meet the bus, but it makes for frantic afternoons and it feels so stressful. But I’m making it happen! Most days, anyway. Reminding myself this is a short season. I rarely recall a specific work day, even my most enjoyable and productive ones, even though I find my work meaningful. But I want my kids to have that blurry foundation of Mom being there, even when that means taking the brunt of their after school restraint release! The days are long, the years are short, work email will always be there later.
So glad this resonated — right there with you on bearing “the brunt of their after school restraint release”! And you’re so right that the work will always be there, but the tiny kids won’t.
xx
Hi Jen, Off topic, but could you direct me to the post please where a reader shared the idea of turning her porch into a nutcracker lounge. I loved the idea and want to do something similar for this holiday season. Thanks so much!
OMG, I think about that comment all the time too! It’s here, second comment down:
https://magpiebyjenshoop.com/what-is-your-favorite-part-of-winter/#comments
xx
Thanks so much!!
I can remember these feelings when my children were young. I felt like the “stretch toy” being pulled in many different directions constantly. My youngest used to plead with me to pick him up after school, but I really could not get away from the office at 3:00pm I would go eat lunch with him, buy him and several friends ice cream after lunch in the lunchroom, bring him a McDonalds kids lunch, etc.
We had a nanny pick him up after school everyday, whom he loved. There was just nothing more I could do. The stress!
Finally, when he started fifth grade I became a stay at home mom and it was smooth sailing for both of us. Deep breaths all around.
I guess missing the very early years seemed to take a harder toll on me. I would bring him special car treats when I picked him up until he drove himself to school. Starbucks hot chocolate was a favorite in the winter, or a homemade treat I had made that morning. Tried to vary it up as much as I could. The reason I say it must have impacted me more is because even when he drove to school, I would still get a drink and a special snack and go put it in his car close to time he would be getting out. I just think that was more my guilt but he still enjoyed the surprise every so often. When they begin to drive and have that independence, it’s a nice way to say “I love you” without words.
Loved this blog post today. Brought back many memories. Thank you as always.
Hi Cynthia – Love this note, and your perspective. Thanks for sharing. What really jumped out at me was: “I just think that was more my guilt.” I so know what you mean by this, too. Sometimes I have felt like I’ve failed / not been present enough / not done enough but my kids seem not to notice, or to focus on another part of the equation, and I ask myself whether the guilt was merited? I have really been examining that lately. (Is this deserving of / proportionate with the guilt I am feeling?). Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Anyway, so interesting – thanks for the food for thought. Love the sweet image of you sneaking treats into your son’s car!
xx
Oh man – if I had a dollar for every time a child snapped at me for bringing the wrong after school snack! Right there with you navigating the big feelings of the first week of school. My husband’s annual golf trip happened to be during this week also, which put them even further out of sorts. And we made it four days into the new year before someone brought home a cold – a new record?? We’re taking it easy this weekend 🙂 I applaud your willingness to change your family dynamics to reflect your values. I am planning to soak up as much time as I can with my four year old this year before she’s off to full day kindergarten next fall (how?!?!?).
Love this and so glad you have the perspective of “soaking up your four year old” before she’s off to school. Also, moment of applause for navigating what must have been a very exhausting week for you! Onward!!
xx