My seven-year-old son has begun to twist his mouth into a wry smile when I go in for a kiss or call out “I love you” after his backpack-dwarfed frame as he exits my car in the morning. The night I came home from Raleigh, I tucked him into bed, and he said: “Mama, you didn’t give me two kisses before you left, one for the night you were…” He trailed off, seeming to catch himself, and then interrupted himself: “Never mind, never mind.” I told him he was never too old for a kiss. I pulled him into my arms and held him despite his mild protestations. “I’ll never stop hugging you,” I told him. The smirk he returned made it difficult to discern whether he’d received my words as a threat or a promise.
I closed his door and stood outside with my hand pressed to my chest. Settling myself. I thought: “this is motherhood, this is life,” this forever feeling of doors closing and opening — usually softly, sometimes even imperceptibly, but still firmly enough to pinch.
Here is the clear and spare truth: I am not ready to let his baby self go. I know we never lose our children; we carry all of their ages inside of us, little matryoshka. But. This boy and his newfound self-awareness. The studied suppression of his earnest inquiries, the sudden concern with whether his hair is sticking up. His outrage over the too-long length of his uniform khakis. His discarding of my lunchbox notes. (He used to keep them in a tidy stack in a little pocket in his lunchbox.) The fact that he now checks for the ring of milk or orange juice around his mouth after breakfast, will push my hand away if I’m adjusting his hair or swiping crumbs from his face. All signs of growth, all normal for this age, healthy separation, etc, etc, etc. But it feels rather like blade against skin.
I am being irrational, but haven’t I the private right to be? He is my final baby. My coda child.
I find myself pleading: Couldn’t we have stayed in the sweetness of six forever?
Oy.
How often have I written about this familiar ache? It’s as common as a cough in cold weather. Right now, a woman somewhere in Calcutta, India or Castleknock, Ireland is sitting in her home thinking the same thing of her seven-year-old son. She is watching him through the window, noticing his pants look a little too short, observing that he can now dribble the soccer ball with surprising competency, and when did that happen? She is remembering the way he’d cling to her skirt, reach for her in the dark, cry into her shoulder. She is resting her palm against her chest as though the gesture might assuage the ache and she, too, is thinking: couldn’t we have stayed at six?
So then, we are passing through together. And that’s something.
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Sunday Shopping.
FAVORITE RAIN COAT // PULL-ON CORDS // SLIP-ON UGG MOCS // BEST BED BLANKET (20% OFF) // BELGIAN-STYLE LOAFERS FOR UNDER $250 // BANDANA SCARF (UNDER $100) // STATEMENT FLEECE
+In brighter news, it’s pull-on cord szn! Loving these (just launched in a great new brown color) and these.
+Pretty and unexpected for fall family photos (this cocoa one is also gorgeous but I might prefer the belted silhouette for photos). Use code ASHA10.
+Handsome new arrival for men — would make a great holiday gift.
+Rainy and chilly on the sidelines at my daughter’s soccer game! I layered this fleece vest beneath my favorite rain coat. Someone recently asked how the Varley rain coat compares to more “performance-grade” brands like Patagonia, etc — I only have the best things to say about Varley! I wore hiking and exploring in driving rain in Norway.
+I layered the vest above over my favorite athleisure long-sleeve from Vuori. Dreamy soft and has a nice snug fit. I love that the hem hits right at waist. Another new favorite athletic/athleisure long-sleeve I just discovered: the Addison Bay topspin. It has this knot-front detail that means the shirt hits right at the waist. I sometimes find long-sleeves hit me at mid-thigh which isn’t the most flattering? I love that the Vuori and Addison Bay both hit right at the waist instead and don’t need to be tucked / arranged / etc.
+Wish I’d had these slip-on moc slippers waiting for me in the car after!
+For fall baking: this and this. Why not bake with color?!
+Big end of season sale at Staud. Do not miss this perfect dress in red or black, this cropped half-zip, this fabulous fleece, or this holiday-ready $113 sequin skirt!
+Belgian-style loafers for under $250.
+Love these pants for fall/holiday festivities!
+This L’Avant all-purpose counter cleaner is my new favorite kitchen spray. It leaves countertops so glossy and streak-free, smells fantastic, and really does its job. They’re offering free shipping this weekend only!
+Gorgeous fall plaid top to tuck into dark rinse denim.
+Perfect rib knit turtlenecks in a range of perfect fall colors.
+Final day to get 20% off the best bed blankets in the business.
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