Oh, we have been in the sticky, swampy bits of parenting the past week. New attitudes, big moods, “It’s not fair!” echoing in the halls. I think often of that quote “don’t let your storm get your children wet,” and I use it to audit myself when I’m finding friction at home, but this past week, I am confident, I was bringing no blustery weather system to the family, and was emerging wind-tossed and sodden all the same. It’s OK; I am the mother. I am not my children’s friend, I am their parent. I am strong enough to meet this moment…! (The kinds of things I’ve been panic-whispering to myself when what I really want to do is loosen the grip on our rules, give in to things, make a swan-like peaceful glide across the surface, straight into storytime at bed). I tell you, this is a tricky business: how to handle situations where other parents give their children things that your children also want but that you do not permit, or cannot accomplish. For example, an extra serving of cookies; a last minute visit to the playground. I can empathize with the injustice! I can remember that “othered” feeling, too — the way my mother used to make me dress a certain way for cotillion when all the other girls were wearing modern shapes and high heels. And so I know all the sides, and also know that love is setting boundaries, and knowing what’s best for your children, no matter how difficult the context. It’s just so deeply unpleasant, though — can I say that?! How often I wish I could just bend to give. But I know the fallacy of that thinking; then it’s a negotiation at every point in the future. Better to set the line here and stand firm in it.
Mom, how did you do this? With five? You once told me: “say yes as often as you can so that when you say no, they know you mean it.” I sometimes feel I’m 90% no; I’m a font of “no”; I’m the alpha and omega of “no, no, no.” What am I missing? How I am not seeing this the right way?
I was, strangely, bolstered this weekend when I overheard one mother tell her daughter at a playground play date: “You can choose a dessert or a juice, not both,” and then bear the brunt of her daughter’s outrage, as all the other children tucked into both the capri sun and the cookie. I thought: “I see you, mama. I am you!” I wanted to pat her on the back for her courage. Because it’s not only the conviction to hold firm on a rule for your children, but also — to do it publicly, when all the parents are tacitly indicating that they condone a different path. Bravo! Tiny parade for you. I should have said something. But then I was teetering on the knife’s edge of indecision: my daughter came to me, sobbing, because she’d slid down a puddled slide, and was embarrassed and dripping wet, and we were only 15 minutes into the play date. What do we do?! Do I take her home? Do I listen to her pleas, her enormous tears? Or do I reassure her that her clothes will dry? That it’s OK to be uncomfortable? That it’s just a little water? There was also the logistical weighing on me: I was one of the coordinating hosts of the playdate and it felt wrong/rude/uncomfortable? to abandon the group. My daughter also had a soccer game immediately after the playdate in the same neighborhood, and it felt absurd to drive all the way home for a pair of shorts just to return 40 minutes later. Reader, we stayed. Within five minutes, she was off running around happily. Her shorts dried. A little friend of hers squirted water on herself in solidarity. But then, too — I was a no.
I have no answers here, just a from-the-front-line report on the ongoing clash between my desire to be the reed that bends and my lot — my call? my need? — to be the firm-rooted oak.
Today, I must remember that love bears all things, and certainly the love baked into my motherhood overrides my personal preference to accommodate and soothe. A mother must be many things, sometimes things she does not wish to be: this is a hard truth.
So onward, Magpie moms,
let’s try again —
Post-Script.
Writing this (forgive the blood-letting; my keys are stained, I tell you) reminded me of a piece I wrote earlier this year, in which I observed: “Mothers undergo tremendous transformation ever single day. We shapeshift into the oak-tree of a firm “no,” the eiderdown of a soft landing, the morning rays that gently coax, the quiet night that holds the peace. I can meet this transition, and whatever it asks of me, too.” I am dissolving myself into those words, that headspace. Let me anoint this day with its energy.
On the theme of motherhood: this Thursday (!), my collaboration with the artist Riley Sheehey goes live! It is a charming collection of motherhood prints featuring her whimsical artwork and my writings on the wilderness and wonder of being a mother. I cannot wait to share! You’ll be able to shop from my site or hers! The Notes to Self is, frankly, something I need to sit with on a daily basis; I’m framing and keeping within my line of sight at my desk. I think I will put the other two in my son’s room (it’s blue and white); these are such beautiful pieces for a little one’s nursery!
Sunday Shopping (Football Break Shopping).
The main thing I was excited to snag this week was this ballet pink fitness set (shorts, bra, sweatshirt) from Vuori. The color is so charming.
Also wanted to mention that in the cover photo for this post, you see the Sezane Emile sweater — SO GOOD for this time of year. Heavyweight and warm; acts like a jacket. Love it layered over pointelle!
Other items on my radar:
+Still not over the assortment of fall Farm Rio dresses at The Outnet. This mini is so cute! I like a dress like this with a tall boot like this. Another dress in a similar silhouette from another brand we love: this Me+ Em. Such a great paisley! I for some reason imagine layering beneath a statement vest.
+A new mask I’m testing from a beauty brand that started as a spa!
+Love this knit take on a barn jacket. At time of writing, it’s on sale for under $100!
+Chic home finds: this kilim stool, this art book featiromg one of my favorite artists, this marbleized lamp shade.
+Fabulous fall napkins from Caspari.
+The chicest home gift. I brought one back for myself from Florence last fall and now give as gifts! They smell insanely good.
FARM RIO DRESS // ANN MASHBURN BOOT // ME + EM MINI // KILIM STOOL // LAMP SHADE // KANDINSKY BOOK // NATURA BISSE MASK // AURELIA DEMARK HEART CHARM // J. CREW SWEATER BARN JACKET // VERONICA BEARD WIDE LEG CORDS (LOOK FOR LESS HERE) // CASPARI NAPKINS // SCENTED CLAY
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links above, I may receive compensation.
