This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
Bad days are a part of a full and open-hearted life. As in — the point of living is not to feeling nothing. Or to hide from the dings, bumps, and bruises. Or to distract, or anesthetize. Life is about taking risks of spirit and mind, and accepting that you may wind up with some battle scars. These are the table stakes.
When I was in the throes of a difficult time, a wise friend told me: “I feel like objects of devotion are important right now — like something you can wear around your neck or keep in your pocket to touch as a reminder that life is happening, you will feel things, and you will survive, you know?”
Life is happening, you will feel things, and you will survive, you know?
This past week wasn’t a bad one for me — stressful and disjointed, yes, but not bad. Still, I wanted to share the sentiments above because they’ve emerged like a promise from the smoke of a challenging time I went through last year. I find myself leaning on them like crutches whenever things seem to be slipping sideways. Which, OK, maybe did happen a little bit this week? Mr. Magpie threw out his back and then was consumed by new undertakings at work, we are currently without childcare, my children needed eye drops administered at school midday — which meant that I spent about 40% of my day in the car going to/from school. (I joke, but it did feel that way.) My least favorite day of the year fell this week, too: my annual trip to the OBGYN. I wrote about this last year, but this routine check-up fills me with dread. Conceptually, I understand that this is tied to losing my friend Elizabeth to cancer in my 20s, and to the ways COVID exacerbated my medical anxiety, but even with careful rationalizing and heightened self-awareness, I cannot shake it off. This year, I did notice a small step forward: I saw the appointment on my calendar and said, “OK, Jen. You’re not going to sleep well, and you’re going to feel out of sorts, but you know what this is. We’ve been on this rodeo before. We’re going to focus on the fact that nothing lasts forever, and that this, too, shall pass.” And even though I did go through all the motions — the sleepless eve, the upset stomach, the spiraling thoughts — I also felt capable of rising above it in a certain way. I’d bob up for air: “Aha, here’s something familiar. Accept it and keep swimming.” Of course, I felt immediate relief afterward, but the enormous knot I’d pretzeled into during the lead-up absorbed a lot of energy.
I know, I know: bring out the world’s tiniest violin. None of these happenings were serious, or particularly interesting. In fact, everything I’ve listed is part-blessing. I have good healthcare, I came out with a clean bill of health, I have the flexibility to look after my kids when I need to in the middle of the day, etc. And still, it was an offbeat week that left me a little loose at the seams.
But that’s OK. Life is happening, you will feel things.
Onward…!
Also this week…a fabulous Memorial Day weekend that involved a pastry stop at Bread Furst, an impromptu visit to the National Zoo (surprisingly quiet for the holiday weekend — but then again, we were there at around 8 A.M.!), a Nats game, lots of of pool time, lots of cocktails.
Side note: my son selected his outfits himself. Pattern mixing pro! I love his little Oso and Me tee and shorts situation in the last photo above. And I loved mini’s striped tank and shorts outfit! (She dressed herself like this!)
My treat to myself after the GYN exam: Trader Joe’s peonies. I also indulged in quite a bit of retail therapy: my new Julia Amory dress, a hair clip from Emi Jay, this crochet dress and these fish earrings from Zara (red!!!), this blouse from Alix of Bohemia, this bronzer, and this seashell bag.
In pursuit of “going easy” this summer, I treated myself to an impromptu al fresco lunch date with my Kindle. (Can you see me in the reflection?). It was delightful. I felt like I was on vacation! I finished this romance, which was so-so but really put me in a vacation mood. The setting (PEI) is delightful.
I also did a little trail running with my new Nike trail runners. I mentioned this recently, but I love the way trail running introduces a new level of challenge — you must constantly think about foot placement, and what’s just ahead. The slight elevation in challenge empties my mind even more than road running — it sends me into a distracted but focused state of mind? And there’s nothing like being completely surrounded by nature.
Last note on going easy this week — I can’t explain it, but sitting in my car outside my house is a kind of self-care. It’s a buffering space where I feel safe, cocooned, but am not immediately springing into to-dos? I love it. Enhanced by a green smoothie in a water bottle from our trip to Indian Springs last fall, the memory of which shuttles me into a happy space.
Separately, how good are all the yellows in these last two photos? Love yellow. You can see my new Spanx sweatshirt on the seat below — it’s the perfect lightweight top layer in the best hue. My Naghedi (medium size) is sold out in the yellow color but I did find a few on sale here. Go for the joyful color! You won’t regret it. Love the orange one, on sale for 30% off.
Go easy, friends!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience leading up to the OBGYN. I had surgery a few months ago to remove endometriosis, fibroids and adenmyosis…. Before that, for about 15 years, I was under and misdiagnosed, like far too many women. I went to so many appointments in those years, then leading up to the surgery and since, that my mind did sort of the opposite approach: I just kind of numbed out. I would joke to my fiancé, “Hey I’ve already been poked and prodded by every doc in the tri-state area, what’s one more?”. But then the reactions would come later… I was irritable, emotional, downright angry… sometimes at the doctors, or something altogether unrelated. And I had every right to be angry at some of these doctors (one we even considered suing for malpractice it was so bad), but I also finally let myself acknowledge and feel… hey, it’s inherently vulnerable to have someone inside your body, especially that part. Especially given so many of us have sexual trauma. (Pray God, not you). All this oversharing to say…. Just because something is routine, or even if you absolutely love and trust your doctors… it can still be a big deal. You are brave to acknowledge these feelings and be vulnerable, with yourself, with Landon, and with us. Again… sorry for rambling on, but I really needed to hear your words right now, and I thank you deeply. <3 and l
Thank you so much for writing in on this front — I completely agree, of course! I’m so glad this resonated! xx
I completely understand your anxiety around the OBGYN – this is a yearly appointment that gives me a tremendous amount of angst too and frankly I’ve been putting off making my visit this year because of this. My anxiety is just sky high – my blood pressure reading when they start the appointment is so astronomical that after multiple visits I had to tell them please stop taking my blood pressure before this visit happens – wait until it’s over! Hah! I don’t know if it’s helpful but when I feel this way I always try to remind myself that time cannot stop. No one can just pause the world in this moment. Time has to move and the next 30 minutes or hour will come and this thing will end. Repeating this to myself is one of the only things that makes me sane!
I love that phrase – thanks for sharing it! “Time cannot stop.” I know, it’s about bearing down for 30 minutes. I used to tell myself “I can do anything for a day” when I was preparing to give birth. I was so scared and had no idea how long it would take or what it would feel like, but somehow isolating the fear to one day made it feel more manageable. Thank you for the solidarity in this!!
xx
If you want romance with actual adults in their 40s, I really recommend Olivia Dade or Cathy Yardley. Or for fantasy romance with MCs in their 40s, Pastiche by Celia Lake is the very very best of the “marriage in trouble” trope, or Swordheart by T Kingfisher is funny and dramatic in a way that scratches the same itch as Terry Pratchett, with a hint of bodice ripper.
Thank you!! xx
Hi, Jen. I love that you treated yourself to a post-GYN treat. I do the same as it is always a stressful time, especially with a very complicated family medical history.
Also, wishing you a very happy birthday!
Thank you, friend! xx
That pic of the guys cheering at the ballgame is so precious!! I’m glad you were able to find so many bright moments to balance out the harder days this week.
Thanks, Stephanie 🙂
xx