Image via.
Tenured Magpie parents: what is your biggest piece of tactical advice to those of us with younger children? I’m looking less for philosophical wisdom and more for fine-grained tips along the lines of curfew policies and navigating how involved you should be in your child’s social network. I’m curious about this because, over the past year, I’ve picked up two pieces of advice from older parents who have been around the block that are already informing my perspective:
The first, from my neighbor who has grown children already out of the home: “Always offer to drive the group.” He was talking about ferrying his children and their friends to homecoming, school musicals, the mall, etc. He said he has learned so much about his children and their friends when playing chauffeur and becomes privy to things they might not otherwise offer up. It has also given him better visibility into the dynamics between the friends in his daughter’s group.
The second, from a friend: “When you volunteer at your child’s school, do it in a way that is visible to your child.” Of course, schools need all kinds of help and support, but if you are (like me) limited on time, you might think about helping with a field trip, recess duty, hot lunch, bake sale, class party, etc — any venue in which your child will see you in the school and appreciate your presence there.
What else might you offer up?
Post-Scripts.
+The winner of the Dr. Dennis Gross face pads giveaway is Sofia! Sofia, I will email you! For anyone who wants to try them: they are on sale at Sephora! You must be logged in to use the code HAVITALL but then you get 20% off one order!
+More parenting advice I love.
+What stage of parenthood are you in?
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+Bottega gloves look-for-less. I think I might treat myself to these! So chic!
+On the heels of my random commentary on skin gadgets, PMD offered to send me this at-home microderm tool. I’m going to test it, along with the Current Body red light mask, the Newa, and the gua sha and will report back with thoughts, probably in January after I’ve had time to figure them out and really test them for awhile. Based on my recon, all of these tools do different things (!!), which is probably why some of you have been sharing products that do multiple things at once / have different settings / etc. It’s a whole new world. In the meantime, a Magpie reader helpfully shared this Instagram account, which provides a research-oriented approach to skin gadgets. I thought this breakdown on the red light masks was interesting and made me feel excited to keep going with the Current Body one I received.
+Last minute, effortless holiday dressing: these pull-on velvet pants and a cableknit.
+Last minute treat-yourself outfits for holiday travel: the F&E sweat sets (I own multiple styles but this one is my favorite) and the Tuckernuck cashmere hoodie and wide leg sweatpants. You’ll feel pulled together but comfortable.
+Also wanted to mention that a Magpie reader raved about this F&E sweatsuit look for less. I think the code 47DBSYTP gets you 50% off but I could have read that wrong!
+Very limited sizes left in stock, but these Valentina sneakers (more sizes here) continue to be a favorite of mine. They are shearling-lined and slip-on!!! And I love that it adds an extra inch or two to my height. Vibe for less: these New Balances, currently on sale! Pair either of these sneaks with the cashmere sweatsuit or the F&E set and you’re golden for long plane/car travel for Christmas.
+Price drop on these incense smokers so many of you loved! A fun little gift.
+These new Freda Salvador velvet dijon flats are SO GOOD and selling very fast.
+Swooning over Toteme’s new tote style.
+My children have two of these “magic playsets” — one is a library-themed one, the other is this NYC one — and they really love them. They have replica “forms” to fill out in both sets that make them feel very grown up. My son loves to take “orders” with the food cart order form in particular.
+I know a lot of people love these undereye masks! Currently on sale. I’m personally in a committed relationship with the Jillian Dempsey ones but these are a good value!
+Have you seen Emilia Wickstead’s latest resort collection?! Wow wow wow wow. It’s thrilling to me that labels like this still exist. Clothing for princesses.
+I keep coming back to this Dehanche belt…
+These little Target stuffies are so cute – love this style and this style and this little house!
Be judicious and restrained with the words “are you sure?”
I have realized that my own indecisiveness and second-guessing come in part from a constant questioning by my parents about my decisions phrased in this way. I noticed myself doing it with my daughter when I had a secret criticism…”are you sure you want to wear those shoes?” and I saw her kind of pause/panic and not know how to proceed. I have tried to reconsider what I mean when I ask this question and state things more directly or just shut up. So, if I have an actual concern I might say, “I’m worried those shoes will be uncomfortable for a lot of walking” but I try to trust their decisions as often as I can.
This is such a great reminder for me. I was just struggling with this — my daughter was attending something that I felt needed to be a bit dressier in clothing, and she was really pushing back and begging to wear a sweatshirt versus a sweater. There was no stated dress code and I ended up saying, “My suggestion would be to wear this sweater because it looks a little nicer and the event is a nice event. But I’ll leave it up to you, and what you’re comfortable with.” It was SO hard for me not to push the matter / make her feel badly in any way for wearing the sweatshirt…! But really I needed to shut up!!
xx
I try to build my children up to one another. I think it’s helpful to know how much your siblings love you, even when they often fight with and pick at you. I try to shine light on behind the scenes kindness. I have two in particular that are very similar and so seem to be often at each other. For example, I told my son Jack (both play lax)- “Benji was really proud of how you won the face off against that older kid!” He beamed as his older brother has more athletic prowess and is a harsh judge) or “Benj, I thought it was sweet Jack wanted his picture with you in your suit before you left for Homecoming.” These boys love each other but don’t often convey it in meaningful ways.
Wow – I love this! I was just thinking about how to model this kind of praise the other day. Thank you for the note!
I have a 19 16 12 and 5 year old.
I’d say there’s a really sticky time for teens around 14 and 15 so be prepared for those ages and I had a real grief at losing their childlike selves. But then they blossom into these hilarious new selves that make you laugh a lot and they see the world in such wonderful ways. You lose something but gain something else.
My actual advice is start to give them freedoms from 9-10 encourage them to go the store by themselves, maybe the library, build up their confidence in the world and their ability to navigate it. We helicopter too much these days and are scared of the natural process of our kids needing to try out independence in small ways.its a very natural part of their evolution. I also don’t spy on my kids. With devices etc.. I know this is controversial but it makes me worry more and be a worse parent. I just trust them and often they have lied about what they’re doing but many of us did and I think that’s normal too. I’d rather find out later when they tell me in the car than be losing it at the time. I know this may sound crazy but it brings me the most peace and most times they do what say they’re gonna do!!
Thank you so much for this! Especially love the note about encouraging to build up their confidence in navigating the world on their own at a young age. We’ve been doing this with having them order in restaurants, walk to the mailbox, etc, but I feel like my older daughter in particular is capable of more. Going to put your suggestions into practice!
xx
Not a tenured parent (my daughter is 7), but I just had a conversation with a friend who has 2 kids in high school, and this was her tactical advice: support their hobbies, particularly the idea of doing for the sake of doing rather than accomplishing something. Just for the sheer joy of doing it. It will be the antidote to all the stresses from AP classes, SATs, college applications, etc.
This is brilliant. Tucking away for the future!
Hi Jen,
I love this and appreciate all the advice from fellow moms on this post. I have 2 daughters, one in high school, one in middle school. I wholeheartedly agreee with the carpool advice and the listening advice. Listening was a lesson I had to learn from my older daughter. As she entered 8th and 9th grade, I found that she was shutting down after she told me about conflicts at school and I couldn’t figure out why. Turns out my natural tendency to problem solve and hand out advice was the issue. I learned that most of the time when she is coming to me with something that bothered her it was for comfort and love/reassurance, not advice. Now when we chat about something that is difficult for her I try to just listen (sometimes I fail). If I find I have some advice that I think can be particularly helpful I now try to remember to ask “do you want some advice or do you just need to get this off your chest?” A lot times she says no advice please. But occasionally she wants to hear what I have to say (though she doesn’t always take the advice!). It’s helped our relationship quite a bit!
That is so helpful! I relate to the instinct to want to “fix” / “solve” but completely agree it’s so powerful to find someone who just listens / empathizes / stands with you while you work through it!!
Thanks for writing in.
xx
Make your child’s tablet password your cell phone number. My son had it immediately memorized from a young age
This is so clever!! xx
When your kids are older and driving and they have Life 360 on their phone (naturally), try to be in the kitchen when they get home – they’re always more willing to talk about their day 🙂
Ooh, love this – so smart. Thank you!
FYI: my FAVORITE cocktail is a French75, and I LOVE cranberries, however the cranberry French 75 is just too sweet for me. Maybe I will try it with just a splash of cranberry simple syrup.
Yes, I think it can do with a little less of the indicated simple syrup too! And also pair with a drier sparkling, like a brut or cava.
xx
No matter what, always be ” proud” of their decision! It gives them confidence to move forward and security that you believe in them. This is so so so important in kids today
Love this!
I have two girls, 8 and 12. What I learned is that they are very different, different interest, taste, love languages, so I try not to compare them.
Consistency is key. My 12 years’ old has been playing piano for 7 years, it’s only now that she truly enjoys it. If we gave up early, she wouldn’t get here. Same with swimming. Both does competitive swimming and none of them is talented, but with hard work (5 days training per week) they are both winning their age group and they are very proud of themselves achieving something with hard work.
Be their emotional blanket, no matter how strict I am, I still spend every evening with them, dinner, reading time, and bed time chatting. It’s so important to have this bound.
Such a great point about not comparing!! xx
Totally agree with “be the chauffeur.” I put up with a lot of sweaty, gross-smelling car rides shuffling boys back and forth and I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Also agree with, “be the hangout house.” My son’s friends came over all of the time when they were growing up… I put aside my no junk food rule and stocked the pantry with chips, treats, and sodas. We got a used ping pong table and air hockey table and our basement was where they always spent the night. I loved making muffins and eggs for them the next morning. Because of this, I was paid the ultimate (indirect) compliment two years ago. One of my son’s best buddies was getting married and he wanted to spend the night before the wedding hanging out in our basement since that’s what they did for so many years. It was so sweet. I stocked up with chips and beer this time. We fed them breakfast, attached everyone’s boutonnières and sent them on their way. It was such a fun honor. My son did the same when he got married last year.
I have a lot in me but my last piece of advice is to endure the practicing, no matter the instrument. We have everything from drums, to piano, to trombone, to guitars. Almost all of my kids play an instrument or two and when they’re home together, they play the coolest music. It literally makes my heart sing. One of my sons is particularly talented on the piano and he would come home from school and just spend 20 minutes playing piano or play while I was making dinner. He left for college this year and I never realized how much I truly enjoyed that until I had to endure the quiet every afternoon. I’m looking forward to his return for Chrismas break so I can put away my podcasts and enjoy the beautiful melodies emanating from that baby grand. He said he’s been practicing jazzy Christmas tunes.
What an honor to have your son’s friend want to spend the morning of his wedding at your house! Such a testament to you building a safe, loved place for them. So lovely.
The observation about missing your son playing the piano was so poignant — so sweet. I’m sure you will love having him home, playing for you again, soon.
xx
Love this so much. What a special honor!
This really is the ultimate parenting compliment! Amazing!
Jen,
As a mom with grown children, my best advice would be to take long walks with one child at a time. It’s amazing the things they will talk about when walking side by side. Perhaps it’s a less threatening situation. Listening. Open and honest communication always the best.
Be aware of who their friends are, and the parents of those friends.
This is such great advice. Another mom just messaged me to say something similar — lots of great conversations happen in the car, when you aren’t facing each other, and can just listen / be side by side. Love the idea of one-on-one time on a walk.
xx
Yes re the carpool comment – and expanding the recommendation to being the hang out house! Growing up, I didn’t live in the biggest house, but my house was the gathering place for teenagers. And I know my mom was behind it. Everyone was welcome to sleepover wherever they could find a spot, my mom made breakfast for whoever ended up at the house the next morning. My parents were intentionally low key about me having friends over – no frenzy to clean, no comment about group size, no weird interrogation of my friends, just sort of in the background paying for the pizza and not grimacing as the screen door slammed open and shut all night long. There was no drinking at my house, and everyone knew it, but because my parents made themselves so welcoming to all, nobody wanted to push their luck. So my house was this place of a thousand sleepovers, and other kids’ laundry in our basket that i was returning to them on monday at school. My friends loved my parents, and other parents trusted my parents, which I now know as a mom myself to be one of the highest compliments you can give and receive as a parent.
Hi Jen,
Mom of 2 grown daughters here, Some parenting advice that I truly believe is critical are 1-Choose your battles. Before you dig in your heels to an issue, take a beat and ask yourself if it will matter in a year or if it will impact their health or safety.For example, obviously, they have to brush their teeth. But if they don’t want to wear their gloves, the worst that will happen is that their hands will get cold. 2-Listen to hear rather than to solve their problems. Sometimes kids just want to be heard and it’s critical to set up that dynamic when they are young so that when the teenage years come, they are already in the habit of venting and talking through problems with their parents. And finally, don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry, I messed up here.” No one is perfect and modeling a sincere apology and taking responsibility for shortcomings is very helpful.
Good advice, and I wanted to add that tip #2 is an excellent one between spouses as well 🙂
These are great and really appreciated the example of the gloves…that standoff has happened a few times with coats and maybe that’s not a good hill to die on.
And love the idea of listening to hear vs fix!!! This is also true in adult relationships!!
xx
Say yes as often as you can! That way they will understand a firm no.
Yes!! xx
Wow! Great advice
My best advice as your children start spending more time outside of your home – at friends’ for sleepovers and even out with their friends as teenagers is to ensure they know you will pick them up any time of the day or night if they feel uncomfortable – no questions asked. A simple call or text and you’ll be right there.
Brilliant, love this.
Chiming in to add my own mothers spin in this (which she borrowed, in turn, from another more seasoned parent friend of her own), which was that she always told us that when she did pick us up there would be no lecture, no million questions, and no yelling. She would just check that we were ok and take us home, and everything else could wait until the next day. She always told us that she didn’t want us to not call because we couldn’t deal with the lecture when we already knew we had messed up and were scared/sad/intoxicated/ whatever, which I thought was so smart!
Love this so much – thanks for sharing. xx
This might sound weird but my advice is try to broaden your children’s social networks as much as possible. We live in Northern Virginia but our kids were in private schools in D.C. with kids from all over the DMV. This was challenging from a logistical perspective (everyone needs neighborhood friends!) and as the kids got older there was the inevitable social drama that occurs in small schools. Our kids made their lifelong friends through rec sports in the neighborhood. In many, many ways logistically and emotionally and for our kids’ overall development, it was nice to have “school friends” and “neighborhood friends.”
This is so fascinating and I completely understand! Thanks for this input!
Toddler parent, but my tactical advice for anyone going from one to two: have a safe place to quickly put down the baby in all of your main living areas. We had a travel crib in living room, lightweight bouncer in upstairs hallway. Being able to securely put the baby down to help your other child makes everything smoother. Also allows you to play with your older child more.
Popsicle baths have worked great as a factory reset for our toddlers when they are crabby.
LOVE these and 100% agree on having a place to quickly put baby down throughout the house. It was a MUST.
XX