In a recent guest post on Cup of Jo, freelance writer Abby Mallet said: “I feel like relationships are 80% routine things.” It was a throwaway comment, sandwiched between tender and sweet examples of how she and her spouse care for one another, but it made me think. What is a relationship made of? More specifically, what is a marriage made of?
Marriage is —
leaving the light on, in ways literal and figurative
correctly anticipating what your husband will say but letting him say it anyway
sometimes being wrong about what you anticipate your husband will say, and finding joy in realizing he can still surprise you
exchanging knowing looks
indulging in hours-long debriefs after social gatherings
shouldering life’s burdens together, and letting him carry more than you, and vice versa, when needed
collaborating on the same, routine airing of grievances over small things you hate, like the Whole Foods parking lot on River Road, the left hand turn out of your children’s school, and imprecise invitations (nothing more stress-inducing than: “are you guys around next weekend?” — what is the invitation?!)
calling your husband, saying nothing, and having him know immediately how to calm you down
fighting over the getting the Christmas tree into its stand and hanging art on the walls
carrying Benadryl around in your purse because he is allergic to cats but would never carry it himself
faux sparring about the way he presses his feet onto your legs at bedtime, knowing that one day you will give anything for his feet against your legs
assuming the best of intentions
making gasping noises and grabbing the handle of your door while he is driving
crying without inhibition, and having him comfort you without question
not answering your phone when he is running an errand for you, and then receiving snarky comments about it for the next week
being his loudest cheerleader, in any venue, with or without him present
making hard decisions, but not by yourself
asking how he played golf, and what’s growing in his garden, and who won the game even if it goes in one ear and out the other
finding idiosyncratic things about him undescribably, irrationally attractive — the way he looks after mowing the lawn, the way he holds his beer between his fingers, the wide stance he takes when in conversation
holding hands and then not holding hands across the car console in wordless agreement as to when to start and stop
It is also
an unending conversation with my best friend
radical acceptance
a way to see, and be, the best version of myself
the most fun I’ve ever had
bigger than the sum of us
the point — as in, isn’t love always the point?
Post-Scripts.
+That time Mr. Magpie handed me an envelope containing the universe.
+Love is also, sometimes, a big salad.
+When my sister married her wife, and we watched via Zoom.
+The thrill of the chase — the early days of my relationship with Mr. Magpie at UVA.
+Mr. Magpie’s Jeep was a part of his early appeal — “his foil and ferry.”
Shopping Break.
+Chic wide leg cords to pair with those brown suede boots.
+Just added this striped popover dress to my fall wardrobe. I know I’ll get so, so much wear out of it. I can’t wait to style with my FS loafers. You can get the look for less (on the dress) with this or this.
DRESS (LOOK FOR LESS HERE, HERE) // LA LIGNE SWEATER // EARRINGS // BAG // LOAFERS
+If you’re looking for fall sneaks that aren’t Adidas, Golden Goose, Veja — consider these Hogans, these Dolce Vitas, and these Veronica Beards. Brown is it!!
+Emily Ley just offered to send me one of their day planners for 2025 (just released)! I have actually used these in the past and really liked them, but they are bulky/heavy and therefore didn’t work well when I was in NYC and sort of perching wherever I could (including in various co-working spots and coffee shops) to get work done. Nowadays, I keep my planner at my deskside in my studio, so think it will be a better fit. Like my cheap Amazon planner, it has ample space to create a to-do list against each calendar day, but it also has an hour by hour section — which I often find myself doodling onto notepads as I am trying to figure out how to get everything done before 3 p.m. pickup. I can’t wait to use! I also picked out this gorgeous linen notebook (gridded!). Their acrylic wall calendar also looks like a brilliant solution for keeping the family organized.
+Reminder that these are the best inexpensive sleeping pillows. We use throughout our home! Just bought a few more sets for my son’s “big boy bed.”
+CUTE transitional swing-style trench coat.
+So specific, but these are my favorite gen-z-approved athletic socks. Also really specific: if clean, I will wear this tank to run / exercise / etc. It’s featherweight and the fit is perfect.
+Ordered this cheap set of machine-washable cutlery for the kids’ lunches. I feel like I need a new box each season.
+This suede dress is so good!
+Megan Stokes recommended this game — I think I will order!
+I own this bag in a past-season orange croc trim — she is a perfect everyday bag that transitions from summer to fall. The shape and size is perfect for everyday wear.
+Very drawn to PB’s new Aptos line. Love this side table and this bed. The shape and wash feel so fresh to me.
+Fun signature scarf for fall/winter.
This one gets a bookmarking, because you captured it so well! I have only been married four months but found myself nodding along reading:-)
Thank you so much 🙂 xx
I’m getting married next month and this post made me even more excited <3
Aw – congratulations!! So much goodness ahead 🙂
I just read a David Sedaris passage in Happy-Go-Lucky in which suggests that people think the secret to a happy relationship is having many things or hobbies in common. Rather, he says, it’s small commonalities – an aversion to overhead lighting. A preference for not turning on the TV until 9pm, etc. It struck me and I found myself nodding in agreement. My husband and I are wildly different in hobbies (him, vintage cars, me, reading on a beach) but we enjoy each others company and our aversions/preferences make us compatible to live together comfortably. So simple, so grand!
Love this note, and think it’s SO true! xx
Love this, Jen!
“not answering your phone when he is running an errand for you, and then receiving snarky comments about it for the next week” — It’s THIS. Haha!
And “faux sparring about the way he presses his feet onto your legs at bedtime, knowing that one day you will give anything for his feet against your legs” — Sob!
“shouldering life’s burdens together, and letting him carry more than you, and vice versa, when needed” — I think it was Brene Brown who spoke about marriage not being 50/50. There will be times when it will be 80/20 etc and it’s important to recognize/verbalize that to each other.
It’s also the unspoken thoughts that I know he wants to say out loud as he wordlessly flattens the boxes from our many Amazon deliveries. 😉
You get it, Mia!! Yes! Lots of suppressed marital commentary happens at the recycling bin 🙂
xx
Also, I once had a part-time job in college that required visiting (via car) every single Whole Foods in the DMV area, so I am INTIMATELY acquainted with the specific hell of the River Road location. Ditto the parking garage beneath the P street one, where you can see how many hundreds of people before you scraped their front bumpers on the way out.
HAHA! OMG, you really get it then!!
xx
I was in Whole Foods the other day and saw an older male shopper talking on speakerphone with (what I assume to be) his wife, negotiating the acceptability of a certain type of lettuce vs another. He had called over a nearby employee to consult on the matter. And I thought to myself, now that’s a marriage moment right there!
Total marriage moment!! xx