Over the weekend, a Magpie reader asked me: “What would you buy for someone who is recovering from cancer treatment (in this case, a mastectomy). Would love to find something that’s nurturing but practical, that maybe also makes them feel a bit luxurious when everything else is anything but?”
I was so touched by this note, by her guard-railed wish to be both nurturing and practical. A true lighthouse friend. I also did not know how best to answer, and so I in turn polled Magpies, and the top responses (each of these were recommended multiple times):
Cashmere blanket/wrap (“to give her an endlessly soft hug”)
A heated mattress pad
A soft robe (“My sister is a breast cancer survivor – she always says, “a luxe robe”)
Soft lounge set (bonus if the top has buttons down the front)
A nourishing home-cooked meal
One Magpie (a breast cancer survivor! we love and support you, Joy!) wrote a helpful note about recovering from her mastectomy: “The first week I was STOCKED with flowers, food, visits. So I would also recommend planning something for a couple of weeks out for when the newness of this wears off. Also I couldn’t lift anything so my hubs was in it with laundry, groceries, etc, so ways to help out there are very much appreciated.” Taking this note to heart! —
As I put this list together, I found myself thinking about a podcast interview between Julia Louis Dreyfus and Anne Lamott. (Two wise queens.) They’re talking about when JLD was undergoing cancer treatment, and how much it meant to her to just sit with a friend and not have to say anything at all. She talks about having her feet in her friend’s lap, and how her friend just listened and made understanding noises of solidarity: “mmm” and “ugh.” I think about that vignette often. I was listening to JLD describe it while running a small hill in my neighborhood, and every time I pass that intersection, I swear I feel the gentle power of good sister-friends who listen. It’s a gorgeous, soft energy. It collects there and pins itself to my passing form.
Anyhow, following JLD’s lead, the questions I would ask myself in preparing to support a friend: How can I show up and ask nothing of the bereaved or recovering? How can I be as unobtrusive as possible? Something I have observed in many organized, strategic women: even when unwell, they will spring into hostess mode. I’ll never forget when my sister visited me after my daughter was born, and she didn’t ask me anything. She didn’t ask if the laundry needed doing, or where the glasses went in the cupboards. She just GSD (got shit done — pardon my French). After all, would it really matter if the plates were displaced, or if she did an extra load? The point was to take things off my plate and involve me as little as possible in their management. She’s the same way now, too, even well after baby years. When she’s in my house, I’ll find her reorganizing the fruit bowl or putting leftovers into tupperware. Little “I Love yous” in a 4×4 container.
What else would you add to this list, whether an object, a philosophy, or a specific activity? How do you best support a friend undergoing recovery, grief, treatment, divorce?
Sending love today to anyone in recovery, and to the lighthouse friends that care for them.
Post-Scripts.
Image via.
+The sisters who draw up the sun.
+Things we shouldn’t postpone.
+On seeking a calendar with white space.
+P.S.: take the trip — !
Shopping Break.
+ED NOTE: I think the warehouse sale ended before this post went live. So bummed! You can still find these jeans on sale for 30% off here. [Original note: OMG! I just found a full size run of the best black wide leg jeans ever. These were sold out at Rag and Bone but are available in their warehouse! On sale for $100. I promise you’ll love the way you look! Run TTS. I wore them last night to a festive dinner with my parents! I love the material — it’s like smoothing but stretchy. Holds you in but doesn’t make you feel like a sausage? It’s magical.]
+Over the weekend, I saw the Nutcracker with my mother and daughter — one of my favorite holiday traditions! I wore an Ann Mashburn tartan silk shantung shirtdress from last season and these fab paillette flats. The dress is just SO timeless and chic. They’ve already sold through this season’s tartan, but I can’t rec their shirtdresses more — the navy is worth consideration as a forever staple in your wardrobe. The silhouette and tailoring are spectacular, and it’s a dress you can wear now or at 90 years. I’ll never forget when an elegant woman maybe in her 80s stopped me while I was wearing an Ann Mashburn shirtdress and when I told her it was an Ann Mashburn, she said: “Oh, of course. They’re the best.” Anyway, I linked a bunch of similar styles here at different price points. My top rec for something similar for the holidays is this Julia Amory (use code JEN-15 — it wasn’t included in their Black Friday sale, FYI).
+I wore a cropped black faux fur jacket over top — it was past season G. Label, but similar here, here, here.
+Can’t stop thinking about this gorgeous caped sweater! Chic looks for less here, here, here.
+Tis cold season! I just ordered some of these “breathe” shower pebbles for the inevitable stuffy nose / cough / etc.
+Every year, my sisters and I work together to fill my mom’s stocking. A few great stocking stuffers: this sanitizing set for travel, mini claw clip from Machete, Slip hair ties (Quince has a good look for less for these, but they don’t come packaged in that cute little ornament box), Kur nail concealer, Cocofloss. Any of these would also make great White Elephant gifts! More ideas along these lines here.
+I keep thinking this pine-scented Diptyque oval would make such an elegant housewarming / holiday hostess gift. A bit spendy but for a good friend, yes!
+Love this trinket dish. JOY!
+This belted Zara sweater!!!
+A super cute holiday mini. The bows are reminding me of Saloni!
+New destination for teen/tween gifts. How cute are these little coin purses and these earmuffs?
+I am usually an anticipator (plan way ahead) but I am always, year after year, slow on getting holiday cards together. This is partly planned: we take our family photo on Thanksgiving. But I also permit myself a lot of time and sometimes get the cards out just a few days before Christmas. I figure it’s just another way to extend the season. If you’re in my boat, I love the designs from Kate Chambers!
+Also: how gorgeous are these enclosure cards? More of my favorite Etsy finds here.
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I have been loving baking fresh sourdough and dropping it off to a friend with a tea towel and some Butter Boy butter <3. It is always appreciated and it is so soothing to bake it with love for someone special
This is so lovely. I didn’t know about the brand Butter Boy — thanks for the intro!! xx
My mother had a mastectomy a few years ago and her hairdresser came to her house to do her hair a few weeks into her recovery. My mom is always very polished, never without hair, makeup and nails, but after her mastectomy it was too difficult her to do her own hair. I’ll never forget this gesture, or the sound of my mom’s voice (she was almost giddy!) on the phone when she called to tell me about it. It was the best treat. A glam squad visit would be a wonderful gift for someone who loves to look polished.
That is so lovely, and the detail about your mom’s giddy voice — !! Going to remember this. Thank you.
xx
I have friends going through a lot of hard times right now. An international move, several have newborns while solo parenting, IVF, depression, aging parents, miscarriage, unemployment. I set calendar reminders for myself to reach out to certain friends when I know I have bandwidth. Voice notes, a meal dropped off, an errand run, taking someone’s older child, distraction if there’s nothing to do but wait, a hug, a poem, a book recommendation, a glance over a cover letter, a genuine promise that they don’t have to put on a good face for me. One gal I don’t know that well yet but she’s new here and about to have a second baby and I’m absolutely going to pull out all the stops to be as welcoming as possible, I can tell she’s really trying to make a good impression and as sweet as I don’t need reciprocity right now since I’m not the one pregnant!
My dad is doing hormone treatment for prostate cancer at the moment and since it makes him really tired my brothers and I are strategizing to take things off his plate. I wish he’d take more help! I’ll help my friends with French forms for school applications or even make phone calls like for my friend doing IVF. Happy to schedule an appointment or wait on hold (which makes me crazy if I’m doing it for me but I have access to deeper wells if it’s for my friends). I help my nana renew her prescriptions since it’s much faster for me than for her. I just spent a baby group Christmas party fetching snacks and drinks for all the older toddlers whose parents had hands full with baby siblings.
I like to drop off cut fruit, or buffalo chicken dip and chips (can be frozen), or the NYT butter tofu. Paper towels, toilet paper, diapers. I usually do this kind of thing a month or two later, and just let my calendar do the lifting not to drop the ball! I keep a list of notes about potential recipients/their preferences. I also immediately put funerals and death dates on my calendar, I will always reach out. And I give special attention to my single friends since they don’t necessarily have the same safety net I do. I’ve been explicit that I will cover necessary medication if there’s ever a gap in coverage, or go sit with someone’s kid, since I am lucky to have my husband working from home. I am clear early and often about what type of help I’m good for!! I do tho k part of it is that building community is an ambition/value of mine so I include it in my quarterly planning and timeblock for it. The Substack newsletter The Auntie Bulletin is a great resource!
You are such a dear friend!! Your note about having “access to deeper wells if it’s for my friends” rang so true. True even in handling pick-up or some complicated logistical issue for a girlfriend. I do it with light feet!
Thanks for sharing all these specific ways to be helpful!! It made me think about what I can take off my parents’ plates. The things that take me no time but will mire them.
xx
After my miscarriage my friend said she had looked up what to say and that there really wasn’t anything to say that would make it better. I was touched that she had taken the time to research it.
A hypoallergenic body moisturiser would be a good gift for someone out of hospital. Potentially a voucher or gift card to a service they can’t do for themselves, whether grocery delivery or pedicure.
A friend bought me a set of unguents that help specific symptoms from one of my conditions, such as headache balm I can carry with me, another bought me a pretty pill box for the meds I carry with me.
That is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful of your friend — it gave me the same feeling as when I discovered my husband checks the weather in Trondheim, Norway (where my brother lives). Just the intimacy of someone looking out and after you in that way. Beautiful – thanks for sharing.
Love these practical gift ideas, too. The body moisturizer is so clever because hospitals are so drying!
xx
I remember having an emergency surgery and my girlfriend and her mother coming to my aid. They showed up with a basket of kid friendly foods and activities to keep my children happy and occupied. While visiting they brushed and braided my hair to prevent it from getting tangled. It meant the world.
A thoughtful way to support someone during illness is to help with the responsibilities that normally add to their stress especially caring for aging parents. Calling to check on their parents, visiting them, or taking them out for lunch can make a real difference. It removes worry and gives the person space to rest and recover knowing their parents are being looked after with kindness.
Oh Anne — the vision of these two women brushing/braiding your hair left me with a lump in my throat. The tenderest ministrations. It reminded me of when I’d just had my first c-section and my mom did these incredibly intimate things for me, like helping me put on pants. I remember just weeping in the bathroom because I couldn’t bend to get them on.
I love the note about caring for aging parents, too — such a thoughtful one.
xx
Soft landings. Put ease in the day for them and their family.
1. Grocery delivery with basics and shelf stable treats. So many people bring perishables.
2. Cook a meal and freeze portions. Again, allows them to consume on their own pace vs immediately perishable. Stock the freezer.
3. Laundry service gift card. We have used Rinse, covers pickup and delivery. Supportive but allows it on their own timeline/terms.
4. Offer to clean up and organize their childrens toys or help put away/reduce clutter. Literally reign in the visual chaos for them.
5. Button front PJs and button up soft tops for gifts for breast cancer. Necessary for ports and drains.
6. Lists of shows and podcasts to try – keep light! Derry Girls is always a top choice for me.
Amen to soft landings! I love the practical note about grocery delivery with basics and shelf stable items. So smart! These are such thoughtful, practical, caring notes. Thank you for sharing. Bookmarking!
xx
Bring them a meal, deliver groceries. When you’re struggling, simple tasks feel like mountains. During the early newborn days, I always really appreciated friends who just made my day to day life easier and minimized the number of decisions I needed to make. This is also why I no longer buy traditional baby gifts via registry but prefer to join/organize a meal train or even just send an UberEats/Doordash gift card.
“Minimizing the number of decisions I need to make” — yes!! This is really the core. This is when I feel most cared-for!
xx