At a recent event, I was introduced to a lovely woman who, within the first few minutes of conversation, left me feeling deeply at ease. By the end of the night, I felt we were old friends; it seemed impossible we’d just met a few hours earlier. I was reflecting on her generous energy and it occurred to me that one thing she’d done to quickly establish our intimacy was repeat my name multiple times within the first twenty minutes of getting to know one another: “Jen, it’s so good to meet you–” and “Jen, where do you live?” and “I was just telling Jen that…” I’ve heard that repeating someone’s name as soon as you learn it is a helpful mnemonic, but I’d not considered the way this repetition can make the other party feel seen, recognized, invited. Somehow, hearing my own name signaled that this woman was actively listening to and engaging with me on a meaningful level. I am determined to follow suit the next time I’m at a cocktail party. I want to model this woman’s present-mindedness during that opening “how do you do” exchange!
I’m curious – what are your best strategies for making conversations with strangers? Do you have go-to questions? Do you try to look up the guests who might be there in advance?
A few tips and reminders I’ve picked up over the years (several from Magpie readers) when navigating new social scenes:
+Reframe the entire event as an opportunity to show up for other people. Dwell less on yourself and more on those around you.
+Everyone feels awkward making new friends — it’s not just you!
+Ask a lot of questions.
+It’s always much easier to be approached than it is to approach. Be the brave one and introduce yourself.
+Mind your body language — crossing your arms or angling yourself away from the crowd can make you seem less easy to approach. (I also remind myself to put a smile on my face when entering a room!).
+It’s natural to gravitate towards people you know, but keep an eye out for loners. We’ve all been the wallflower before; offer that person a kindness. It’s like giving your past self some good karma!
+If you don’t know how to respond to a strange, rude, or unsettling inquiry, buy yourself time by saying, “let me think about that.”
Please share for those of us deep in the thicket of new parent events, soccer sidelines with strangers, and the like!
Post-Scripts.
+On female friendships and the things that matter.
+How do you balance your friendships?
+The velvet underground. (A musing on identity and past versions of ourselves inspired by Stevie Nicks.)
Shopping Break.
+I want this sweater tee in all the colors! Perfect way to balance out fuller skirts, wide-leg trousers, and barrel-leg jeans!
+Another great basic for the incoming season: these turtlenecks. They are super fitted and a gorgeous, polished material. They also released their iconic turtleneck in a DRESS form this fall and it’s nearly sold out. (Use code MAGPIE15)
+Colorful to-go coffee cups for your next fall gathering.
+Obsessed with this brown silk top. Meanwhile: husband shirts in a fab new fall pattern! These are made of an ultra-soft, airy cotton; you can tuck them into jeans! (Use code JEN-15)
+OMG Me+Em is killing it this season…! THIS COAT! Vibe for less with this. But back to Me+Em: I meannnn, their fall dress curation…! This cord dress, this tweed one, this floral, and this crochet collar?! Swoon!
+Elevated fall lounge set for under $50. Pair with fall sneaks!
+Gap fall denim goodness: this jacket, this skirt, and this cropped denim overshirt (very similar to one I have from a few seasons back from La Ligne that I love to wear over fall dresses as a kind of jacket!). Both of the Gap colors are fabulous.
+How I’d style the denim overshirt:
GAP SHIRT // DOEN DRESS // TB BAG // ISABEL MARANT BOOT // JENNIFER BEHR EARRINGS
+Love the knot button detail on this Tuckernuck cardi.
+La Ligne released their cult-favorite Colby in a sweatpant material! (Code: MAGPIE10)
+Alice Walk restocked their best-selling cashmere wraps in lots of great colors!
+Gentle shampoo for highlighted hair. More European pharmacy favorites here.
+Perfect waterproof clogs for walking the dog this fall. For something a little splurgier, I still pull out my handy no. 6 boots every fall/winter. They are lined in shearling! The best. Go up a size to accommodate winter socks.
+Obsessed with these entryway hooks.
+I’ve been noticing some collar embellishments this fall — it started with this $$$ Prada and now I am eyeing this and this!
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Love this topic. I often wonder why people would want to talk to me. I do try to smile slot when in groups. But one thing I noticed another lady doing recently took me aback as such a gracious act of kindness. We were in a group mingling and if Sara noticed someone new walk up to join the conversation, Sara would say “we’re discussing xyz”, which promptly let the new person into the conversation so they could join in quickly and not feel left out. I saw here do this repeatedly and thought it was just such a welcoming and warm gesture. Now I try to do this!
Also as a side note: I had a pair of shearling lined yellow rain boots that I wore on cold winter days or wet days. As my son grew, he started wearing MY boots rather than his own! Beware, they won’t be yours for long! My neighbors still tell me about seeing him outside in his ” yellow boots”! I’ve been trying to find a pair of yellow boots as a Christmas ornament but have been unable so far. I’ll keep looking!
Oh I love this habit of welcoming someone into the conversation with “we were just discussing…”! It’s such a warm gesture and it pulls everyone onto the same page.
What a sweet note about your son and the boots! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for an ornament too —
xx
Thank you!
Cynthia, I’d get a needle and thread and just make a hanging loop for these! Could even do just one. https://www.etsy.com/listing/1522809877/?ref=share_ios_native_control
I often look for dollhouse miniatures on Etsy to make really specific ornaments
Great idea, thank you. Closest thing I’ve seen yet. Just really want an ornament.
Yes – really cute!! I will keep my eyes peeled for a proper ornament though!
I think finding commonalities, in terms of really finding your crew not just making conversation, comes back to values. My buddy likes football, I like Star Trek. But why do you like the thing you like? We both have those interests because of our dads. I still don’t care about football, he still doesn’t know Kirk from Picard, but we talk about these things through the lenses of our dads and wind up very interested and engaged. Or we have a buddy who’s a pro cyclist, but the way he talks about his job is similar to how my husband talks about his, and what they’re striving for long-term and drives them is a point of connection for them.
Where I live there are a lot of expats, so « where are you from? » gets a lot of mileage, though that’s not usually my go-to. I like to ask people about their parents, siblings, or grandparents, since that tells you a lot about a person.
I do think if you like someone you have to be clear and explicit and shoot your shot! My friend Emma (who considers herself awkward even though she’s the smoothest warmest person I’ve ever met) was clear immediately that she liked me very much and was instantly comfortable with me…because she said it! And every time after. « I always have such a great time with you » etc etc. It bonded us more quickly than it would have because while I was doing that very middle school unsure am I cool enough? thing, she made clear that she thought I was cool and wanted to be buds.
If someone mentions something specific (a vacation spot they always go to, an odd preference, a notable family member or life event) I make a note in my little black book. That way I can follow up on new babies or new jobs or particular interests and follow the thread until you have something in common.
I think making transparent « why » you’re asking something can be comforting. « I ask because I lived in the city 2012-2015, I was wondering if we overlapped. » « I’m asking about screen time because we’ve watched about a million hours of Clifford The Big Red Dog this weekend. » Letting someone know it’s not a trap, if you will!
And if anyone tells you their job, « That sounds hard! » is always a good jumping-off point, since everyone finds something hard about their job. People don’t talk about work much here though.
Connecting people in an introduction is a valuable skill. « Sam, meet Jacqui, you both have Italian spouses….Frances, meet Emma, you both collect French antiques…Oscar, meet Tish, your kids have the exact same birthday… » doesn’t just make them connecting easier, it gives your friends a glimpse of your noticing and your positive regard.
V disjointed but we are in the thick of the new school drop off social connections!
These are SO good, especially the note about “letting someone know it’s not a trap.” I definitely have had that experience where you’re wondering where someone is going with a line of questioning and you find yourself guarded, or hesitant in some way!
xx
Kids help! Mine at least are fearless about talking to kids they’ve never met. In fact, last night at our second dance class, my 5yo asked another little girl to be her friend out of the blue. Which led to me chatting with her mom while we waited for the older sisters to finish class. For myself, I like to try to find and make connections – common interests, common history, “what are you reading?” Etc. A thought about mentioning someone’s name repeatedly…I probably wouldn’t mind it as much in a social setting, but in my previous profession I found it off-putting. I was in purchasing and some salespeople really leaned on using my name which came across as insincere, like it was part of the sales training handbook. It’s good to think about this and have some strategies in the back pocket! I think going first is key, although terrifying.
Hi hi Stephanie! I like your (and Kelly’s) emphasis on finding commonalities, asking a lot of questions to find common ground. I was just realizing last night (at yet another getting to know you event) that I find talking about books a really easy starter, and usually a good spot to find overlapping interests — if not in the same types of books, then simply in the practice of reading, learning how they learn about books, etc. “What genres do you like? Do you read on Kindle or in hard copy? Did you see that David Brooks op-ed where he said today’s novelists lack courage?” (PFFFFT David Brooks…!!!)
Good note on the over-use of a name. I’m sure that can come off as insincere…in this case, the woman really nailed the delivery! Will be mindful of this, though!!
xx