A few weeks ago, I came across a post on Cup of Jo sharing a parenting hack designed to help her boys stop bickering. In it, Joanna shares that she started doling out “nice points” to deter her kids from fighting and incentivize them to find ways to be kind to one another. Once they reached a certain threshold of points, she treated them to something they wanted — a family game of baseball at a local field. I read this with glancing interest. Her children are older than mine, and so I squirreled it away for future reference. I like to collect and reflect on the parenting wisdom of more tenured mothers so that when the time comes, I can explore their usefulness with my own children. I did not anticipate its immediate application. Because one afternoon in the middle of July, I had absolutely reached my limit with my children’s pushiness and strident tones toward one another. It felt as though we couldn’t get through ten minutes without petty squabbling. “Stop touching my napkins,” followed by “Mama, Hill’s looking at me.” Good Lord! Their footling friction was driving us insane. We ran through the circuit of responses each and every day: careful modeling of how to work through disagreements; proposing alternative solutions; “work it out yourselves”; forced separation. Nothing seemed to be working. Then, at the pool one afternoon, my daughter offered to get an ice pop for herself and her brother, and she picked cherry for him, knowing red was his favorite color. I beamed at her, and praised her for her thoughtfulness. But we’ve found it a very effective way to encourage them to think about how to be helpful, and kind. Sometimes they’ll clear all the plates on the table for one another, or let the other one go first at something they both want to do, and they’ll call out: “kindness points!” on their own.
I’m perhaps a bit leery of attaching a reward (even something of no trade-in value) to the very basics of courtesy, grace, and thoughtfulness. But in a different sense, it lets them know how much we value kindness in our home: it has its own prized and separate currency.
I don’t know how long we’ll keep this up (we did something similar with actual coins when they were a bit younger to reward them when they’d say “please” and “thank you” — they’d deposit a penny into a shared piggy bank each time they’d do it and eventually we were able to sunset this), but in this midsummer peak of sibling discord, it has been a welcome tool. I can’t say it’s necessarily attenuated the volume of bickering, but it’s been a strong counterbalance, and a good reminder, too, as a parent. Because sometimes I get to the end of the day and I think, “Today was just one long melee after another with those two,” and I can interrupt myself with: “But there were many kindness points, too.”
How do you handle bickering among your children? Have any strategies worked well, or backfired?
Post-Scripts.
+On maintaining wonder as a parent.
+Matryoshka — a moment in which my daughter returned to me in all her beautiful ages.
+Long days of parenting. (If you’re here today, I feel you so hard. I was there all last week. Just remember that today is not the final draft in your motherhood.)
Shopping Break.
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+I have gotten so, so much use out of this white eyelet maxi skirt this summer. I love it paired with a white tank, with a blouse tucked in, with a striped tee — just timeless, and I always feel so elegant in it. It’s currently 50% off. I think it was this skirt that transformed me into a “separates gal” for most of this summer — historically, I’ve worn so many dresses but I’ve really enjoyed skirts/shorts this season.
+Speaking of white eyelet, obsessed with this $140 dress. Would be so good for a summer concert. (Another concert outfit idea here.) More chic eyelet picks here!
+Hotel Lobby just restocked my favorite candle – tomatoes, fresh air, sunshine! I’ve been burning all summer. It sold out earlier this year!
+I’m telling you, this is the best mascara ever. And I’ve tried so many brands — including ones 3-4x its price. The best. All of my favorite $20-or-less beauty products here. (But if you’re looking for a clean mascara, this one is excellent; and if you’re looking for a lash-growth mascara, you’ve got to try this one.)
+Random, but buying a few extra pairs of scissors is such a small way to introduce more grace into your life. Why was I always sprinting around for one pair of scissors? Now I have them in lots of places — and exactly where I need them. In my gift wrapping bin, at my desk, in our junk drawer, etc. Treat yourself. Small life improvement. I did the same with box cutters. I now have them scattered throughout the house. I like these ones with the ceramic blade because my kids are around and it’s not as terrifying/sharp as a metal blade.
+Another minor but serious life upgrade: buying lots of inexpensive white towels to use to wash my face. I go through one a day and just toss it in a little wire bin to clean every few days. There is nothing more luxurious than a big stack of fresh towels that you don’t need to worry about ruining with makeup! I specifically like these ones – perfect shape and thickness. I know the picture on the site is weird but trust me.
+OO loving Beyond Yoga’s new colors — I love their sports bras, leggings, and tanks. The coral and mint colors together are so good.
+J. Crew Factory has some solid, classic finds for little boys at reasonable prices, especially during this BTS buying season: these boat shoes; striped henleys; classic crewnecks. I also love these dock shorts, with their slightly shorter inseam (hit above knee). I bought a bunch in navy for his uniform.
+When you travel, what are your favorite makeup removing wipes? Are they all about equal?! I’ve historically used Neutrogena or Billie, but just picked up some of these Honest ones.
+I mentioned over the weekend that rugby shirts are trending for fall for women, but also came across these good looking options from Gant for men! (Also available in stripes.) I bought Mr. Magpie one of the slimmer fit rugby shirts from Kule two years ago and he loves it — looks so handsome on him with jeans! I might get the boxier Gant one for him for this season. Love the navy!
+I discovered Gant via Alice Pilate, who was wearing this chic sweater/jacket on a travel day!
+This dramatic, ruffled trench is SO good. I’ve been noticing that some of the trend-predicting fashion Substackers have been saying draping and romantic shapes will be coming back in (a lot of them referenced Chloe’s most recent show) and this feels like it’s a solid portent.
+A Magpie asked for a great statement belt for fall last week: found another great option. (20% off with JENS).
+The Row jelly sandals look for less. I also love these ones from Ancient Greek – super comfortable and get so many compliments. AND! LR just restocked their popular glitter jellies, too. Have sold out 2 or 3 times this summer!
Such helpful thoughts re: bickering siblings. Lately my husband’s solution has been a coin toss to settle squabbles over things like who gets to take a shower first. I have a feeling this wouldn’t be a fight in a lot of houses but my sons (6 and 8) must both be first at everything, even to get in the shower. Sigh. (If anyone has pointers on how to curb this I am all ears.) Thus far, the coin toss has been regarded as an acceptable final authority on things like the shower, and the bickering is avoided. We will see how long this lasts…
I recently heard a friend exhort her kids to find ways to rebuild trust with each other after a fight. I had never thought to address the issue of building trust, but after I introduced the concept it seemed to give them a new framework / language to work with. It’s not been a magic bullet, but I sometimes hear them yelling, “mom, I built trust!”, or “instead of getting back at him I chose to build trust…” The nice points made me think of this… maybe I reward trust building in the same way? Also, the boys are starting full-time school in a couple weeks at a local parish, after having been only homeschooled thus far. I’m interested to see if this major lifestyle shift will impact their sibling rivalry at all.
Such interesting points, and I love the concept of “rebuilding trust.” Earlier, a Magpie noted that perhaps the “kindness points” is more about “being seen” than anything, and calling out that trust-building behavior with a title feels similar in some way?
xx
Hopping back here to encourage others to share their sibling tips!! I really don’t have any, especially at the point in the summer when they have spent SO MUCH time together. Usually a quick time out to separate them will diffuse the situation, but if they are in a mood the bickering will pick back up. Last summer, I made a “leader/helper” schedule, in which we alternated days of who was the leader. We aren’t using it much now, but it did help with fighting over who got to go first, or whose turn it was to help me with the dishwasher or fetching things, etc. My latest experiment is assigning planks as a consequence for bad behavior (a tip from my cousin whose kids are now in high school and college). My nearly-7yo is very strong willed, so the planks are usually happening bc of talking back or arguing with us, rather than sibling bickering. Taking away tv privileges or dessert seemed to be losing effectiveness! Hoping others will chime in!!
Ps – I got the brown stripe long sleeve tee from Gap, eagerly awaiting its arrival! I like the idea of navy or brown vs black.
I’ve actually found the exact opposite – my kids do way better when I completely leave them alone in their squabbling. Otherwise my 6 year old usually thinks i’m taking one kid’s side and then it devolves into separate presentations of what happened, who is right, who gets to present their side of the story next, etc. So when I hear them fighting, I shoo them away and actively ignore the bickering. I usually try to hum a song or take a big breath because it is really annoying when they fight. The other thing that’s been working for me lately is giving everyone jobs and titles. So we’ve got a Laundry Putter Awayer, Strawberry Chopper, Toilet Paper Replacer, Mom’s Coffee Holder, etc. around our house at all times. When i hear fighting, assigning a job AND a title (the title is weirdly important to my kids?) usually helps redirect my attention and theirs to the tasks at hand and helps all of us shift our focus towards accomplishing the same goal. And if all else fails, I go back and re-read the wisdom of Claire Lerner (https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/why-cant-you-all-just-get-along) for a refresh that sibling fights are normal. It helps normalize the fighting for me, and on particularly tough bickering days, I remember to tell stories at dinner during a less-heated time of absolutely ridiculous fights that my siblings and I had growing up. Usually makes us all laugh to think of their aunts and uncles fighting about silly things.
Hi Elizabeth! This is so fascinating because this has been our new strategy, as of a week ago — we were so tired of refereeing and separating and defusing that we’ve just been quietly stepping away from the situation. It was a hard adjustment for them the first few days – they kept coming to us and being confused at our unwillingness to step in – and then sometimes we’d be surprised to find the situation would blow over, or they’d escalate and then walk away, etc. So fascinating to hear your (more schooled) thoughts on this and why it might be working.
You are also so right that bickering is normal! Thanks for that grounding reminder.
xx
Yes! I love this thought of leaving them alone to work thru things themselves. There’s a concept in family systems theory called “triangulation” where two people in conflict bring in a third person to ease or offload the tension, and I’m always worried that I’m encouraging triangulation when I step in to a quarrel. Ugh, how to walk the fine lines of parenting involvement or not!
So fascinating – thanks for these insights / observations! Lan and I had a great chat leveraging these comments last night!
xx
Jen! I wonder if part of the allure of kindness points with no reward attached is feeling seen? Watering the flowers and not the weeds, if you will. My children are babies (2.5 and 8 months) but I hear my son telling my daughter « gentle touch » and modeling for her instead of whacking her, about equally with him shoving her off the couch. Progress. I’m lucky she’s a giant, strong baby. My main goal at this age is to make sure that « bully behaviors » (grabbing, mostly) don’t succeed, because while she’s totally fine giving up the toy in her hand right now, she won’t always and I don’t want to set that pattern. It means a lot of intervention, and I’m not very hands off, but I find a hands off approach at this age would just mean my son got his way all the time. I know I did as the oldest of 3 for quite a while since my mom worked from home and had no additional childcare.
We’ve talked before about applying design thinking to your life/reaching for your invisible pockets/looking for the duct tape. I find there’s a new adjustment every few months in how best to optimize things for my two kids, or my husband and I. What « life upgrades » have everyone pulled off lately?
1. White space in the cabinets has been a godsend (I got rid of kitchen stuff that hasn’t been used SINCE WE MOVED 5 years ago…if I haven’t used it in 5, I probably don’t even remember I have it.
2. « Less but better » led me to get rid of a dozen cutting boards I hated in favor of 3 perfect ones. They were moderately expensive, but not terribly so.
3. My son was eating 4 or 5 applesauce pouches at a time but turning his nose up at eating it from a bowl (he’s 2 and hates getting messy and his spoon skills aren’t there yet). I considered the refillable ones, but they all look like a nightmare to clean. If anyone is in the same situation, smoothie cups work great for us! I fill with store bought apple-pear sauce mixed with a little water so it goes up the straw easier. I even stick one in the fridge the night before (or another smoothie of some kind) for his snack first thing in the morning (I cook a hot breakfast once we all wake up a little).
4. One of my friends just put changing table covers on all her dining chairs when her son’s little friends were over, and it meant they could all eat lunch at the table without wrecking her nice chairs!
5. I use a soap dispenser that’s meant for dish soap/sponge for my son since he doesn’t have the hand strength for a proper dispenser yet, and it won’t let him use a huge amount of soap since the excess goes in the reservoir. Game changer.
Love the life adjustments / life upgrades list – so brilliant! My husband is really good at this kind of thing — engineer by training. He sees something suboptimal in logistics and finds a way to fix it / smooth it out. A great talent to have!
xx
Quick q for you on the Tower28 mascara — how does it differ from (or how is it similar to) Armani Eyes to Kill and/or Glossier Lash Slick? I know you influenced me to convert to the Armani and I think you may have tried the Glossier too? Curious to hear how they stack up! I love to use Armani for evening/events and Glossier for day, but I would LOVE to have something that is more dual-purpose!
Also intrigued by the Queen Musia!!
xx
Hi!! I’ve not used Glossier in years and years but I definitely have been an Armani fangirl — Tower28 is a little less thick / dramatic and does wonders with fullness, separation, and length. It’s incredible. It’s replaced Armani for me!
xx
Amazing intel — thank you! Going to try it soon 🙂
xx
Yay! Please report back! Also liking Iris and Romeo’s mascara, but still think Tower28 is the GOAT.