Do you romanticize your life? What does that mean for you?
There’s a vibrant and occasionally vicious discourse around this concept and the way it is lived (or performed, as the case may be) on social media that has been unfolding for years now. Some academics have linked its popularity as a TikTok hashtag to the doldrums of the pandemic — e.g., we needed ways to find beauty in the bleak midwinter. Its champions position it as a kind of mindfulness: slow down and appreciate the little things, like a plate of artfully sliced mango for breakfast, or bedding spritzed with lavender. I can get behind this impulse. Another formula for seeking slivers of joy.
But when I think about “romanticizing my life,” I think of it differently. I see it less as an aestheticization and more as the practice of seeing myself as interesting. There is every possibility and in fact a strong likelihood that my life is ordinary. But when I look at myself, and especially the squiggly path that drew me to my present, I choose to see it as cinema. My time in Lyon, falling in love with Mr. Magpie, the “I feel a bigness in me” journal entry, the internships and the first jobs, the cramped but cozy New York years, the way life has carried me all the way from stumbling through poetry readings at the age of eight to writing for a living thirty years later. I replay it now as silver screen. This is not about looking at life through rose-colored glasses (there are countless failings and missteps that cling to me as thistledown) as much as it is finding my own story curious and worth taking a look at. Perhaps this is shaped by my vocation. I can’t help but see the stars and dress them up as asterisms.
But I think that no matter how you romanticize your life — whether this is about tying ribbons in your hair or painting yourself into the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song* or looking back on your relationship with your husband as though it was destined for pictures — you are in a way practicing art. The best description I’ve ever read of art came from Kurt Vonnegut, who said:
“Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money or fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what’s inside you, to make your soul grow.”
Earlier this week, Rachael Ringenberg wrote an interesting piece on the discourse around “tradwives” (scroll down), and, like her, I’m disinterested in the detractors and instead fascinated by the impulse behind any creative effort. She writes: “Creating and making are inherent joys to being human, whether it’s shaping homemade butter and pressing a flower into it or writing this newsletter. The mind craves learning and challenges, longs to learn new things, attends to curiosities yet unknown, and one of the ways to survive thrive in sustaining a household—particularly in this culture of isolation—is enjoying elaborate riffs on necessities.” I would take this further and suggest that much of the creative spirit is guided by a desire for self-knowledge, or at least a kind of glancing “this is me?” as we try out different styles, forms, medium. To apply the Vonnegut phrasing: art is about finding out what’s inside you. Stress-testing what makes the cut, and asking why. Do we include that azure lining, or do we trim the paragraph, or do we add another stanza? Do we make our beds just-so, do we arrange the book spines by color or theme or author’s surname? Every decision you make is informed by a unique set of experiences, references, and instincts, and that makes every decision interesting (and sometimes unexpected to passersby). Lean into those weirdnesses; care about the details; let out the hem and restitch it if you need to. This, then, is a romantic life: arranged to find out what’s inside.
Post Scripts.
*Cut to me, a happily married forty year old woman, belting out “But Daddy I Love Him” in my car at top decibel.
+The tocsin of Toulouse. (A piece of short fiction.)
Shopping Break.
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+My dream dress for my 40th birthday in June. Runner up (and much more likely to be purchased): this Sir.
+Alice Walk is running a great sale — this is one of my favorite striped tees ever (so stretchy, and really nice and long) and I love their knitwear, but especially their cotton ones!
+Going to give this Jouer concealer a try next. I like the Nars radiant concealer I’m using (it’s grown on me, actually, since writing this review, because it really does provide good coverage without looking cakey), but it is matte vs. radiant/glowy, so curious to see if this Jouer delivers it all.
+LOVE this Adidas colorway. So fresh for summer!
+GORGEOUS summer wedding guest dress.
+Celine vibes for less.
+These matches are so chic! Cute little hostess gift.
+Maison de Sabre has some cute technology accessories, like this phone sling, this AirTag case, this iPad case, and this AirPods pouch!
+My favorite late night activity: hunting TRR for gems. Right now I’m obsessing over this crochet Gucci bag, this Markarian dress, and this raffia belt bag.
+Goop just released a bronzing gel! Intrigued…
+Love this sweet smocked dress for a little lady.
+My son is having a reptile-themed birthday party (complete with a reptile show and petting zoo), and I’m having fun sourcing decor. I like these gift tags (thinking of giving all the kids either a Schleich reptile or a book on reptiles in lieu of a goody bag), this balloon arch, this oversized snake stuffie as a centerpiece, and these inflatable snakes for the front lawn / doorway!
Recommending once again this Rajiv Surerendra video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=cwurWeffwNA&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&source_ve_path=Mjg2NjY&feature=emb_logo
Intentionality and narrative is what makes my life romantic, even with the mundanities of toddlerhood. What story am I telling?
“What story am I telling?” — yes!
xx
On your comments about romanticizing your life…I remember walking across an open playing field on the way back to my freshman dorm. It was a slightly gloomy afternoon, but a Friday so classes were over and the weekend fast approaching. I recall music starting to play in my head like it was the opening credits of a movie and the story was about to unfold–kind of surreal and I still remember it 20 some years later.
Ooh I love this – have definitely had specific, cinematic moments like that where I’ve almost hovered over myself and seen me from the outside in!
xx
I don’t know, I’m with Rachael Ringenberg (and you) that there can be beauty and meaning in the domestic sphere. But are these tradwife content creators actually finding the self-knowledge you reference in doing this? It seems like a lot of this content exists to monetize an ideal vision of domesticity, not necessarily producing art or something for their own enjoyment. I don’t think it’s at all wrong to make a living selling content inspired by domestic life. But I don’t think we should uncritically consume that content either. The Ballerina Farm lady that Rachael Ringenberg mentioned shares pictures of herself looking beautiful while making homemade sourdough bread while taking care of her eight kids. But her posts won’t point out that her husband is the heir to the Jet Blue fortune, and that her Instagram-friendly lifestyle is probably not super attainable without that substantial financial cushion. Or that tradwife content is being actively amplified by the same political interests who very much want to push women out of public life and back into the domestic sphere.
Romanticizing everyday life is great and we should all do it more. But I think it’s really hard to separate out the personal from politics and capitalism, especially when you are selling implicit messages about what women should be doing with their time.
Interesting and insightful read on this! I probably should do a bit more recon on tradwives, about which I know almost zero — just the loosest contours I’ve gathered via Reddit and other third party sources, who have their own axes to grind, so possibly I came to the conversation wanting to see something different. Thanks for sharing this perspective!
xx
MIA! You encapsulated my general thoughts (on the tradwife phenomenon) EXACTLY. Thank you so much for bringing this perspective! Capitalism and politics deserve to be examined with a critical lens, and this phenomenon, which exists at their intersection, should be no different.
Adding that I have read a few insightful pieces on this phenomenon — my favorite critiques have come from Kathryn Jezer-Morton (who has devoted more than one column of her Brooding newsletter [NYMag] to this cultural movement) and Anne Helen Petersen. I recommend looking them up to anyone who is interested in delving more into the ‘why’ behind the tradwife movement.
xx
The summery sambas are calling my name! Also, may I suggest the book Joan Proctor, Dragon Doctor for your reptile party (eek! You’re brave!!)? We heard it on Julie’s Library and it’s a cute biography in picture book form.
Cute! Thank you for the rec!! xx
That last paragraph is pure gold. Thank you.
Thank you so much for letting me know it touched you!! xx