Last Friday, I posted an Instagram story about Mr. Magpie and I peeling off for some time at the adult pool, just the two of us. He has Summer Fridays (a blessed vestige of the NYC commuter lifestyle of yore), and we decided to make the most of his free late afternoon. We met up with a few friends, enjoyed a cocktail and a quiet dinner, and were home by 8:30 and in bed a little after. This invited an unexpected, staccato sequence of conversations with Magpie readers, most of which fell into two categories (paraphrasing): “But tell me more – how do you handle this, logistically?!” and “I’m inspired by this but can’t get over the Mom guilt of leaving my kids with someone else during the witching hour.”
Logistics are easy: we had our neighborhood sitter come by from 4-8-ish and scheduled to have a pizza delivered around 6. But I was knocked sideways by the “Mom guilt” comment. I manage to find guilt in everything and yet its familiar shape hadn’t crept through the lintels of my Friday afternoon-to-early-evening date arrangement. How could that be?
Do you feel guilty leaving your children at bedtime?
I’ve reflected on this intensively for the past week.
Maybe because I’ve worked from home for my children’s entire lives, and am available to them for most of the day, I don’t consider the bedtime hour any different from any other hour of the day? It’s just another time of day to be a mother? And there will be hundreds of other bedtimes, alongside mornings, noons, and midnights, to be called upon? I’m imagining a different scenario: I am working outside the home, and the hours between 6 and 8 p.m. at night are my primary time to connect with my children. Then, yes, I think the equation would feel different?
And yet those mothers, too, need breaks from bedtime. And it doesn’t seem fair to feel guilty about missing a handful of them a year.
Another hypothesis: maybe bedtimes aren’t as fraught for me as they are for other mothers? I mean, let me be clear: it feels like the final, occasionally impossible, hurdle to clear, and there are nights where I am zapped of all energy and sentiment, and I more or less throw them into their beds, speed-read through a chapter of a book, and turn off the lights. But I think because Mr. Magpie and I follow a two-nights-on-two-nights-off pattern, where I handle bedtime two nights in a row, and he handles them for the subsequent two, they feel more manageable? And maybe the fact that he and I have our own ways of approaching bedtime (still following the same general arc) means that our kids accommodate modest changes in routine at this hour, which makes it easier for me to invite a sitter in and trust that all will be well? Or maybe I’m less connected in some way to the bedtime routine because I only do it half the week (Mr. Magpie handling the other half), and perhaps other mothers find it more deeply woven into the fabric of their motherhood experience? And in turn there is anxiety about missing one? Especially if she is the only one who handles it, night in and night out? I can easily imagine stress there.
I can’t speak for any other mamas, but those are some possibilities?
Digging deeper, here are some reassuring thoughts that crossed my mind as I puzzled at my complete lack of guilt over the Friday afternoon date:
01. It is probably healthful to have my kids be put down by other people? There will be (and have been) situations and occasions where this will need to happen. Good practice. I do worry any time one of my children insists “only mama can do x.” An alarm goes off in my head and I immediately get to work finding ways to help them learn to do the task independently, or accept another person’s scaffolding. It is beautiful to be needed (and wanted, and called for), but the anticipator in me is conjuring all kinds of incidents in which I won’t be present and they will melt down?
02. I like the idea of modeling a devoted marriage for them. Of course I’m enjoying the date itself, but I don’t mind the tertiary benefit of them seeing us prioritize our relationship and lean into time alone, together. My parents were up front about this when I was growing up, too — I can recall weeping as my mother left for various trips abroad, and her saying: “Jennifer, this is time for your Dad and I, and it’s important.” Just last weekend, my daughter overheard my mother and I talking about our planned trip to Italy this fall, and she interjected: “But why can’t I come?” My mother reflexively responded with the same talking points she used when I was a child, as if she were talking to a seven year old me. “Your mom needs time with her best friend!”
03. As mentioned above, bedtimes are the final hurdle of the day as a parent. I hope you won’t judge me for saying that sometimes I am relieved to miss it. It’s nice to have that break, to give myself a little hall pass.
04. My kids are easier on sitters than they are on me, even when they are over-tired (!). And the sitters get to tap out at 8, even if the kids are still awake. I baby-sat and nannied for years (entire summers of my life) and can’t recall a single situation in which I thought, “well this mother really left me in the lurch here.” Sitters are meant to be indulgent. I recall reading books and telling stories by flashlight well past bedtime to calm my charges — and it always felt fun and empowering to me, and special for the children. I soothe myself with those thoughts if I’m worried one of my children is missing me, or having a hard time going to sleep, or out of sorts. It’s temporary, and they’re probably being spoiled!
05. The night after our date night, my son woke me up four times between the hours of 12-4 a.m. These can be difficult interruptions — I am exhausted, and sometimes short on patience; I just want to get him resituated as quickly as possible so I can get back to sleep. On this night, carried forward by some unknown motherhood grace, I was able to accept the wake-ups and present my calmest self to him. I had observed that he’d been out of sorts the previous week owing to a new camp (new rules, new faces, new places!) and surmised that perhaps these sleep disruptions were part of the adjustment — and was in turn able to accept them with an internal quiet that, trust me, I cannot always muster at 3 a.m. I found myself thinking about what it meant to be the first person he cries out for when he wakes and is upset. Like, what an absurd honor to be someone’s safe space? I bring this up here because it occurred to me that it didn’t matter that I’d missed bedtime the night before. I was still his safe place, and I still have hundreds of (daily!) opportunities to reassure, comfort, support him. Perhaps having had the break gave me a new lease on that mentality?
What do you think? So curious to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you have guilt leaving your kids for bedtime? Why or why not? How have you talked yourself into or out of guilt with this arrangement?
Post-Scripts.
+Today is not the final draft of motherhood.
+On maintaining wonder as a parent.
+Long days of parenting…oof.
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+I have been stalking these Loro Piana bags (crazy expensive, even on resale) and love the look / shape. I found this insanely cute bag in a similar shape for under $100 and it’s currently in my cart as a way to scratch the itch.
+OK, results are in. I really like this “dream coat” thermal blow out spray (rec’d by Julia Amory). Gives you a really smooth, polished blow-out. Great for a 90s style smooth-and-straight look.
+A really good buy for under $150.
+Just starting using these resurfacing pads this week — impressed. Similar to the YSE ones I raved about earlier this week (and just ran out of). There is something so delightful about this kind of product after a good cleanse — it feels like you’re really getting every last speck of anything off your face and starting with a fresh canvas. I love to use these at the end of a long, hot, sweaty day.
+Old Navy is bringing it with their pre-fall assortment. Love this denim skirt, and so many of you bought this denim dress (which feels very Veronica Beard to me). Wear now with leather sandals and later with tall boots.
+Speaking of pre-fall, these mules from Madewell are a great buy. LOVE the suede. While we’re talking Madewell, check out this denim vest! Not exactly like the VB we all know and love but her dressed-down little sister. Would look so cute with white/off-white jeans like these.
+This vest from WHBM is much more similar to the VB one — love! — as is this Talbots steal, which looks super similar to mine.
+Just got my daughter a few new activity books for rainy days and upcoming travel — how cute is this one? She’s going to love it. Also eyeing one of these illustrated Bibles for her as a back to school gift.
+Some really good finds in the Net-A-Porter sale section. Love this Cara Cara (right under $200 – great for wedding, cocktail party, etc!), these trendy Isabel Marant sandals, and this kiwi green evening dress (would look incredible with big jewel earrings and a fuchsia satin heel). I know it’s hard to buy boots right now, but it would be a great time to snag these chic Staud suede ones or invest in Toteme’s while 40% off…! Finally, their Doen sale section is amazing – on par with Doen’s recent warehouse sale. Consider this top or this $64 one (!!!) to pair with white shorts now and jeans in fall, and this under-$100 dress to pair with strappy black sandals for date night. I organized all my picks into one visual shopping shelf here.
+Did you know Marni carries “kids bags” (also in blue) that look close to identical to the adult versions? Would be curious to do a comparison on size, but the price is so much better here…!
+Hill’s pajamas above are Lake and one of the, like, three items not included in their ongoing sale. My toxic trait is honing in on any item “excluded from promotion.” Other cute prints are included!
+This chic silky dress (under $160) reminds me of La Ligne’s Lee dress.
+For all my mamas with little babies: this Doona set in the limited edition stripe is so good!
One more thought! Some of this is just kid based, totally independent of your parenting. My oldest daughter has been fine with any trusted adult doing her bedtime for years (grandparent, babysitter, etc). My middle child throws such a fit at the idea that it’s more than not worth it – it seems a literal impossibility. It would not be fair to her, her sister, or the adult in question to leave them in that scenario. So if we want to go out, we just have to go after her bedtime. These girls have had the same nannies, the same working parents, etc their whole lives. I’m sure eventually my middle daughter will feel independent and comfortable enough, but she’s not there yet. Another reminder that our kids are who they are somewhat independent of parenting and circumstances!
SUCH a good point, and great reminder. It is so mind boggling to reflect on the differences between my two children despite the same approach, techniques, etc! Makes you think both about the inborn personality and also external things like birth order! Thanks for sharing this. Such a great reminder. My mom always said to never compare your children, and I think what she meant was to think about each of them individually, independent of one another!
xx
But slightly tangentially, please share your Italy/Europe fall packing list! My husband and I are off to France for our anniversary in October and I’m just finishing the lodging and tickets portion of planning. The fun of wardrobe comes next!
Yay!! I will absolutely be sharing. We just booked our flights and 1/2 of our lodging over the weekend so will be putting thought into wardrobe now that we have the itinerary set!! Will share! xx
And PS – happy anniversary! Where are you going?
Aix-en-Provence for 6 days, Paris for 3! We’ve not been to Europe together since before our oldest was born, in 2016. We’ve never even been gone together for longer than a weekend since then, so we are so looking forward to it!
So exciting!! xx
I love this topic and I am inspired. I think I find myself with my eldest in a classic she-always-does-it-so-I-only-want-her situation. Our goal this year is to break that up a bit. For the first time all year (yep) I missed his bedtime tonight for a group sound bath/meditation with a friend. I am actually EMBARRASSED to say that, Like I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t just hand my 4.5 year old off to a sitter. BUT …I remind myself, all children are different. All children have different needs. As long as I’m taking care of myself, which I am working on prioritizing, all is well. This is the same child who 2 years ago couldn’t be handed off to a sitter without extreme emotions during daytime hours, and now he thrives with sitters during the day (yay!). So, progress is being made. For my own sake, I did book my first ever kid-free getaway in September 🙂 So I’ll he will have a handful of not-me bedtimes under his belt soon!
Joyce! Don’t feel embarrassed! I completely get it. I also felt slight humiliation around not traveling (like, at all…unless absolutely necessary) with our kids for the first few years of their lives. I felt like I was depriving them, or too uptight or something? But now we travel a lot more and it’s gotten much easier and I look back and know I was trusting my instincts, aware of my bandwidth, prioritizing other experiences. Same goes for you with this matter. Trust yourself. Everything is a flowing / it’s all a process!
Cheering you on!!
xx
Love reading through these thoughts! Since we started having date nights after our first daughter was born, our pattern has been for the babysitter to arrive at 7:30, allowing us to get to an 8pm dinner reservation. At first, this was because I was nursing, so it was just easier to nurse her and get her down and then scoot out instead of pumping/getting a teenager to do the whole bedtime routine, etc. Now that our kids are older (3, 5, and 8), we generally still stick to our 7:30 babysitter arrival and 8pm reservation, but the kids are still awake when the babysitter arrives and she puts them down. (They’ve usually already eaten dinner, bathed, gotten in pajamas, etc.) We genuinely enjoy hanging out with them (not saying this is not the case for others, just that this is our reasoning!), and because they’re at school during the day, we don’t want to miss out on the afternoon/early evening hours!
Love this formula! A French mom wrote to me and said that is very much the norm abroad, too – that date nights are for 8 pm and after, and that it’s just not “done” to go out earlier. Interesting! Thanks for sharing this. xx
In the immortal words of Kris Jenner, You’re doing amazing sweetie! Do not feel like you have to justify your parenting or any decisions you make in your life with your family. Life is too short to waste any time on worrying about the opinions of strangers on the internet : )
Thank you! xx
Your approached sounds incredibly balanced and thoughtful – you’re giving your kids SUCH a gift to see parents in a healthy relationship plus allowing them to flex their comfort with different bedtime setups. I’m sure they, too, see it as a bit of a treat/freedom to indulge in the extra attention of the sitter! I feel very similarly to your thought process around all of this and just want to offer another “you’re a great mom” + “you deserve a break, too!” cheer from the magpie circle. we’re doing a local august pool membership and i’m now considering a similar date night idea with my husband…
and that denim vest is SO good – add to cart, thank you!
Thanks for the encouragement, and for sitting with me in this rambling, vulnerable musing! I was so caught off guard by this sentiment and am intrigued to hear what others feel/think about the subject. Thanks for chiming in.
I hope you get that adult pool date night!!
xx
Similar to you, I can’t pinpoint the reason — is it because we’ve had nannies we trusted implicitly since our oldest was 3 months old? is it because I’ve always worked? is it because my husband and I are both oldest siblings and thus had many child-free aunts and uncles willing to babysit when our oldest was young? is it because my husband has always been substitutable in our bedtime routine, save for nursing when they were really small? But whatever the reason, I don’t feel immense guilt or worry about missing bedtime or even leaving my kids for a trip. My husband and I just got back from a 10-day, child-free trip to Italy (yes, it was fantastic!) while our three stayed with my in-laws. My almost 10-year-old had a tough time at first — he was staying at my in-laws, away from his friends, camp, and routine and it seemed to take his routine-loving self off-kilter — and I felt bad that he was upset, but I wouldn’t describe it as guilt or worry. (Naturally, the two-year-old was happy as a clam from start to finish!) My kids miss me when I’m gone, occasionally find me annoying when I am present, and in general, seem to have healthy relationships and attachments with me, but also with other trusted caregivers from their grandparents to our nanny and our regular teenage babysitter. I feel like the more adults they have in their corner, the better – and I don’t want to crowd anyone out, if that makes sense?
Hi Erin! So fascinating – such great point re: our own raisings / childhoods. We had a string of live-in nannies/au pairs and I was very accustomed to having them put us down to bed; this MUST have shaped my perspective, now that I think about it. I also am one of five so there was logistically no way my mother had a bedtime routine for each of us? I actually don’t know how she handled this – will have to ask her. My vague recollection is that we were more or less on our own to put ourselves to sleep after she’d let us know it was time to get upstairs. This was especially true when the youngest were 3 and 0 — there was simply no way she could have also put down a 5 and 7 year old?
Anyhow, writing that out also encourages me. I think of my mom as one of the most available, supportive mothers EVER. She was ALWAYS there. In the school, at home, in the car line. It seemed to me she was always present and never a holler out of earshot. And yet this could not have been the case given how many of us there were, and the fact that we did have other caregivers! I think she was good at being there when it mattered, and when she was needed.
xx
I think it’s a classic, “good for her not for me” that comes down to your kids’ temperament! My best friend finds post-dinner and bedtime the easiest time to sneak away. I prefer between 10-4. If I’m away from my kids much past 6 they get a bit frantic, and they both need me deeply at bedtime still. We vary our routines too!! But I’ve seen the way my son is desperately unhappy and holding it together when my MIL (who he loves) does parts of his bedtime routine. I think part of it is that my husband and I understand how long it takes him to wind down, and soothe him accordingly, whereas others have a tendency to leave him overstimulated and unmoored. My little daughter is relatively easy (fresh dipe! Sleep sack! Bottle!) but my MIL always wants to add songs or bouncing since that’s what her kids liked, and she adds more as my daughter’s distress increases. I do feel guilty leaving my kids with her at bedtime. I don’t feel guilty leaving them with my SIL (who loves them but doesn’t love babysitting, but she follows their routines to the letter). And I wouldn’t feel guilty if I had kids who thrived!! Mine just don’t, yet. They’re still little.
I do fully agree about demonstrating how to prioritize a marriage and friendships. We are very intentional about that. And we do get out during bedtime hours, just solo with friends so that the other parent can be home. My son asks his dad how his “play dates” (brewing beer with a friend) went.
These are such good points, Kelly, and you reminded me that a piece of this might be age of children, too! I am assuredly forgetting how tricky it was (all the steps / nuances!) of when my children were younger! Great perspective here.
xx
These mom thoughts are so helpful to think through!
Speaking of illustrated Bibles, Lulie Wallace has a few remaining in her site: https://www.luliewallace.com/collections/bibles
How precious?! Thanks for sharing – would be a great gift for one of my godchildren!
xx