*Image via.
Since moving back to my hometown, I’ve run into a lot of women who attended my high school, both my graduating year and not. I’ve also run into a lot of women who attended rival high schools, and have been asked, with surprising frequency, “Who were your friends at Visitation?” Across these conversations, I have felt a tugging sense of guilt that I have not stayed in better touch with more than a handful of my girlfriends from high school. My observation is that most of my schoolmates have remained in tight-knit groups since graduating. They’ve been bridesmaids in one another’s weddings; they’ve raised babies together; they still go out on the town together; they exercise nicknames for one another; they leave inscrutable shorthand and inside jokes on one another’s Instagram feeds.
I behave this way, too, but mainly with the friends I made in college.
Why is this? And why do I feel guilty about not remaining closer to all of my high school friends, even though there were no nasty fallouts or ill feelings?
Given the intense sorority of attending an all-girl’s high school, it feels that I have in some way failed the experience, or failed some of my friends from that time. I must acknowledge that there is a kind of clubbiness to attending a rigorous all-girl’s school — an implied rarification. This does not appeal to me, but it exists, and I think my sense of “wrongdoing” might pertain in some oblique way to it. It is as though by going there, I should forever belong there? And I do, in a sense. I loved my high school experience, I regularly participate in its alumni programming, and I am still very close with a couple of girlfriends from that time. I have pondered the symmetry of sending my own daughter there one day. I have treasured crossing paths with former schoolmates at my new parish, my daughter’s new school, through various other social outlets — it has made moving home feel warm, familiar. But I do not seem to be fulfilling the implied graduate role of maintaining an enduringly close sisterhood with all of my friends from that time.
Part of this is sadly circumstantial. One of my best friends from high school died in her 20s, and only after her burial did I realize her role as the lynchpin in my core friend group. On occasion, I still text and meet up with my friends from that group, and it is unusual if Elizabeth’s name does not come up in those interludes. She remains the shared thread between us. I have nothing but love for those women. They are good, salt-of-the-earth people, each of them intelligent and funny and giving. Every now and then, we catch up open-heartedly, going deep into the mysteries and magic of motherhood with the easy intimacy longtime friendship affords. Or we laugh at our high school selves, toss out the names of former love interests, quote from old movies we used to watch in my basement, sling inside jokes at one another. I have the sense that I could call any of them if I needed to, and I hope they feel the same of me. Still. Without Elizabeth, the fabric has grown increasingly loose-knit. I strain to avoid the “what ifs” with Elizabeth, as I find them fruitlessly painful exercises, but I often wonder whether we would all be much closer if she had lived.
Then again.
I came into myself in college. I crawled out of a shell. I defined myself. I was free of the quiet, academic reputation I’d cultivated in high school. I joined a sorority, I fell in love, I faced my own intellectual shortcomings, I learned how to read all over again, I had so much fun. I think I have remained closer to my college friends because I was more like myself — the Jen I am now — while attending the University of Virginia.
I was reflecting on this the other day when I observed that most of my college friends are the same way. Few of them have perdurably close relationships with their high school friends. I am confident that, if asked, each of the women in my core group of college friends would point to one another as their closest friends, even now, closing in on twenty years graduated. It made me wonder whether there was something particular about UVA, or something particular about the kinds of women we were and are, that led to the development of the strong, long-term kinship we have enjoyed.
Are most people closer to their childhood friends, their high school friends, their college ones, their adult ones? Are some people close with all four? Does life-long friendship have more to do with when you “bloom” or the intensity of a shared experience?
These questions interest me because I have found it generative and occasionally healing to write about female friendships — the ones that last, the ones that don’t. After one of my more recent essays on female friendships, a reader wrote to me:
“I shared the post with a friend and she said that perhaps it resonated with so many readers because we aren’t taught to mourn or recognize the ending of female friendships the same way we are with romantic relationships. She pointed out that if someone were to ask about a former best friend, we might be embarrassed or not know how to explain that the friendship has ended. Meanwhile, if it was an unsuspecting question about a now ex, it would feel more normal or comfortable to simply say “we broke up” and everyone would nod, understand and move on.”
This is so true, despite the fact that female friendships can and sometimes do eclipse romantic ones in terms of longevity, depth, certain types of intimacy, even intensity.
What do you think, Magpies? When did you meet your best friends? What conditions led to their strength?
Post-Scripts.
+Female friendships and the things that matter.
+On building friendships through motherhood.
+Focus and the fibers of motherhood.
Shopping Break.
+Target is running some great sales as a part of their “Deal Days” promotion — these 400-count sheets are SO good and already so reasonably priced, but why not stock up while 25% off? We bought a set of these as a back-up for our primary bedroom and they are honestly fantastic for the price. Caveat: I checked the link twice and the first time, they were discounted and the second time, they weren’t? Not sure if they sold out of the relevant discounted styles, or if you’ll see the deal on your end. Anyway, I’m including them regardless of whether they are discounted or not because they are SO good and I often get questions about them from readers! AirPods are also 30% off — I couldn’t live without mine. I hate cradling the phone against my cheek, and I use them to listen to podcasts and audiobooks while walking Tilly. Must have!
+There are also some good deals on toys if you’re already looking ahead to the holidays — this Melissa & Doug cleaning set was such a huge hit with my daughter around the age of two and I love to gift doctor sets to little ones. My children play with ours all the time!
+I am drooling (!!!!) over this chic cape from Officina del Poggio. OMG. I love it so much.
+Love this whole set — knit skirt, knit sweater. In an ideal world, would pair with these suede boots.
+This dress reminds me of Ulla J — great for a fall wedding / cocktail party, and under $200.
+I can’t wait for my Jane Win pendant to arrive! She has a bunch of different motifs — love, balance, strength, etc — but I wanted the “joy” one as a reminder to continue to seek “slices of joy” in my own life.
+Erin Wallace just launched her holiday cards! Just the cutest patterns!
+Guys. I’m so sad I slept on that Italian brushed wool coat from J. Crew because it’s now 40% off and sold out in my size. This hot pink sweater is tempting me, though — also 40% off.
+Wow, super love this new silhouette from La Ligne. Is it too saucy for Thanksgiving? Also pretty in this gold color.
+This Mirth blouse is SO fun! I love the pattern and the ties!
+These scalloped rattan table lamps are a good deal.
+Chic alternative to a Superga-style shoe — comes in really good colors.
+I think I’m going to buy my son a play / train table, and I love this one from C&B because you can add longer legs when the kids get older and use it for homework/art.
I’m reading this months after you posted, but it spoke to me and I had to add in my own two cents. I also lost touch with high school friends — there’s no ill will, but we took different paths, which became increasingly clear as late adolescence wore on. And I also found my lifelong friends at UVA (and, in my adult life in DC, as well, which I realize is incredibly fortunate and often rare). Charlottesville is where I first felt accepted and appreciated, rather than always falling a bit outside of the teenage status quo. I do think there’s something in the water, perhaps because of the people the school attracts, maybe because my friends and I, and so many others, lived in Charlottesville every summer (I almost wrote the Corner instead of C’ville, which would have been an equally accurate statement), or maybe because it’s just one of those iconic college experiences.
But a quick anecdote to prove the point: I was chatting with a family member of my husband’s, maybe ten to fifteen years older, who graduated from Texas. When she found out I went to UVA, she said, “One of my best girl friends from high school went to UVA, and I’ve always been so impressed by how close her group of college friends stayed.”
I love this – totally relate to everything you’ve written! I consider my UVA girls my ride or die. Any time I am with them, I feel like a carefree version of myself — probably because I met them in a carefree moment in life? I’m not sure. I was at my most footloose and fancy free for sure, and we’ve since gone through EVERYTHING together — breakups, weddings, babies, miscarriages, death of parents, death of loved ones, moves, new jobs, bad bosses. Everything. You are making me miss them!
So glad you related to this – thanks for the note!
xx
I love this subject and enjoyed reading your and the other commenters reflections. My best friends are a group of four women who all attended the same middle school in our home town. Only two of us went to the same high school, then a different pair attended UVA together. They are some of the only people I’ve remained close to through my teen years and twenties, as other friendships came and went in college, grad school, and my first job. The best explanations I can think of (beyond the fact that these are three of the most intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and funny women on the planet) is that we all know and understand an authentic side of each other that was lost or buried in adolescence. We’ve all moved far from our hometown since, but we have shared origin stories and we know each others’ parents and siblings. That’s not something that can ever be replaced by friends I’ve made as an adult.
As for the something in the water at UVA idea, I think I was drinking from a different water source than you all! I struggled to find my place socially there and came into myself as a result of working through social pressures and low self esteem. While it was important for my personal and intellectual growth, it’s not a time I like to dwell on or reminisce about, which probably explains why I haven’t kept in touch as well with the friends I met there.
I love this note, Maggie – just goes to show that we all have such different stories, different ways and seasons for making friends. I know what you mean about the irreplaceability of childhood friends. I don’t have many whom I’ve stayed close with, and that pains me — the people who saw you when you were just a flicker of who you’d eventually become REALLY get you on a different level. What an incredible gift.
Sorry to hear about your less than favorable experience in college! Glad that you had a strong network of friends from home to lean on!
xx
That pendant is so pretty. I love everything Jane Win! My husband and I usually exchange one special gift at Christmastime and her carry your heart mother of pearl pendant is at the top of my list to wear on a beautiful long gold box chain my husband gifted me a few years back. Hoping it is under the tree for me!
Oh I LOVE this! Such a special gift!
xx
I have a similar story to many of the previous commenters – I went to a very small non-denominational but religious private school from grades 6-12. Truly, the only person that I still have a relationship with from that time is my lovely younger sister who was in the grade after me (who I am very close to, but is in a whole different category than my girlfriends!). I follow many of my classmates on Instagram and very occasionally comment or reach out, but it feels like those people are part of my past.
My close group of friends now are all as a result of 3 friendships made in college, and the amazing people those women introduced me to both during and right after college. I actually met my husband through one of them! I’m not certain what it is that made these friendships last through the upheavals of our early 20s but I am so grateful for them. Thinking back on that time there was a whirlwind of change and we simply refused to not be friends. Maybe stubbornness is part of the answer!
If you ask me this question in 10 years, I believe the structures that we create with our friends will be part of the answer. Life gets so busy and without our monthly or annual traditions we would have a hard time staying tight. Like Susie said in the comment below, we had those structures by default before. I think the key to future friendships is to make sure we create them ourselves. What lasts is what you dedicate time to, right?
Hi Sandra – The comment so many of you have made about “structures” has been so eye-opening for me. I also think proximity or at least common ground (e.g., you always go home for Christmas, you often travel to the same places, etc) can shape this, too. So much food for thought!
I am genuinely surprised at how many of us have closer friends from college than high school. It has always seemed the opposite in my completely anecdotal accounting. So interesting!
xx
I have always had a theory that people either have a close-knit high school group OR a close-knit college group. Personally, at 32, my best friends are 2 women whom I’ve known since 2nd and 6th grade and who were in my “group” through high school. (The group was larger originally and waned over the years, but I’ve kept those 2.) I transferred schools in undergrad, so I recognize that my lack of “group” from that era is largely circumstantial. Honestly, I don’t have a “group” at all — besides those 2 best friends, everyone else I’m genuinely close to is an individual connection!
I think groups are quite hard to maintain in the adult years, as friendship becomes so nuanced and individuals grow apart so easily under varying life stages, circumstances, obligations, etc. In high school and college, groups formed based on course schedules, neighborhoods, campus group affiliations, etc… right? Without the structures in place, what holds the group together but memories?
Hi Susie – This is such a good point, re: friend groups vs. individual friends. You’re making me realize that I’ve maintained strong individual friendships with people in high school, college, and adult life, but the only “group” I’ve remained close to is my UVA girls. I so agree that a lot of it has to do with structures in place — for UVA, a lot of us lived in the DC area after graduating, and this made it easy to stay connected and also to have the regular “chime” of college reunions, football games, and other events.
So interesting! Thanks for sharing that distinction.
xx
Reading some of the other comments, I am also thinking about how our own personal growth and change factors into these relationships. I think for my childhood best friends, there’s an element of importance to the fact that they’ve known EVERY version of me, they know the longest history of my family and its dynamics, and they know, intimately, where I “came from.” Of course our older adult friends know the truer version of who we are *now*. I do find myself frustrated sometimes when I don’t “relate” in the same way to an old friend, or don’t think they “relate” to me now. But it’s a very interesting balance between history and presence!
I feel similarly to you in that I came into myself during college, and thus I am much closer to my female friends from that time in my life than high school. My 15 year high school reunion was this past weekend, and I had zero (!) desire to attend (in fact, I told my mother that the idea of attending was “the opposite of a good time” – perhaps a bit too honest!). I went to a very small, coed Catholic high school in a very small town, and for the record, I did not have a bad experience. While I treasure a couple of friendships from high school, frankly my life today just has very little in common with my former classmates despite the fact that most of us were together from ages 5-18. And that’s okay, although I imagine I’d feel more self-conscious about it if I still lived in my hometown.
At this point in my life, my closest friends are mostly from college, grad school, and my time doing a year of service (and those friendships are definitely based on the intensity of a shared experience!). All of those close female friendships – which largely developed from age 20-25 – are the ones that make me feel like myself. I truly became myself as I now know her during those year, so it’s not surprising to me that they are the relationships that still resonate.
So interesting to hear your experience/perspective, and I especially applaud your comment: “And that’s OK.” It’s true. Not all friendships end with malice / anger / flames / negative energy. Some just peter out quietly, no harm done.
xx
I have retained nearly none of my high school friends (though not for lack of trying) and only a couple of my college friends. So nearly all of my current friends are from my post-college years, and have come from two places: social media and work. I met most of my close friends through blogging, believe it or not (long live blogs! I love that you are playing a part in keeping this dying art alive! I quit many years ago) and two of my best friends are from my early years at work. I would have loved to have kept more old friends, but the truth is people grow and change. What bonded you as children might not keep you bonded as adults. And that’s ok. I recently read a quote that said something like “there are people you will love and who will love you that you haven’t even met yet” and I think that’s true. Yes, it’s harder to make friends when you age. But life is long, and people are constantly going to be coming into and out of your life. We plan for the future, but there are so many mysteries that lie ahead.
I love these insights. I have entered a wonderfully full season of developing new friendships since moving back to D.C. I’ve had so many connections to people (introductions, crossed paths) from years ago that have now bloomed into full-on friendships since moving back. It has been really nice, especially because many of those women share common experiences/interests with me, whether that’s young children the same age, a passion for Montessori, fashion, entrepreneurship, creativity, etc. I was thinking about this earlier today when looking at our social calendar for this fall. There are a few gatherings with my UVA girls, and also a lot of dinners/dates/book clubs with newer friends. I think you’re right. People change, interests change, circumstances change, etc!
xx
What a reader commented about how women aren’t taught to mourn or recognize the ending of female friendships is so true. It proves the theory that women are usually socialized to be perceived well by men, not necessarily other women, although I would argue that the ability to get along with other women and form deep friendships is much more integral to the female sense of self and worth than male perception.
This was such a thought-provoking essay. I also went to a small, Catholic all-girls school, and I also attended a large state school for undergrad and joined a sorority. I loved both experiences. I’m 23, so I don’t have that much space from college yet, but I would say that my close friends are about half high school friends and half college friends. I totally relate to coming out of your shell relatively later in your youth – I was extremely shy until high school, which might be why I still have a lot of close friends from that time.
To your point about your own high school experience, there definitely was a “kind of clubbiness” to my all-girls school as well. I tremendously value my education and am grateful for my experiences there, but it was vastly different than what my other friends or cousins went through at public schools, which, in our town, were nothing to scoff at. I find that our high school gave us a unique sense of identity and pride, which is something I never saw with my friends or cousins that went to public, co-ed high schools. I know that pretty much anyone in my graduating class would help me out with something if I needed it, which I think is also unique to the all-girls high school experience.
Again, I’m nowhere near being ready to have a child, but I often wonder if I’ll opt to send my children to private boys’ or girls’ schools like my brother and I went to. I guess it depends on a lot more than personal preference.
Have a great weekend, Jen!
Hi! So interesting – a lot of parallels with my experience. I thought your insight that “the ability to get along with other women and form deep friendships is much more integral to the female sense of self and worth than male perception” was fascinating. I agree that my relationships with my girlfriends have validated me in such profound ways, and at all the right times in my life.
Thanks for sharing that!
xx
I bought the J.Crew coat and it is in the mail to be returned today – it was huge and looked like a clown coat on me! I have a few other J.Crew coats and this one ran significantly larger.
Oh no! Thanks so much for sharing this sizing intel!!
xx
As a fellow UVA grad, this is making me think that maybe there is something in the water in cville that forms strong bonds of friendship…! I went to a small Episcopalian high school and really only maintain one, albeit very close, friendship from that time. In fact, she is the only high school friend who is in (and even invited to) my wedding. The feeling of missing out on something with those high school friendships completely resonates, but think of it from the other side — maybe they didn’t have as wonderful of an experience as we did at UVA? Maybe their college friendships were fleeting, or surface-level. High school friendships are often – especially at a
tiny schools – a product of circumstance. When you only have 40 girls to choose from, are they really going to be your lifelong “people?” Probably not. But in college, we got to decide who we wanted to be and who we wanted to surround ourselves with. It’s not at all surprising to me that these “chosen” friendships of mine are more enduring than my circumstantial high school friendships.
This really resonated, Hayden — I hadn’t thought of it that way, but UVA gave me the ability to really carve out a niche, find friends who “got” me, etc., rather than feeling a need to conform to an existing smaller pool of ladies.
Thanks for sharing this!
Wahoowa!
xx
Great post and prompt. For me I met one of all-time favourite people in college and some of my nearest and dearest in grad school. I am still closish with 2 women who attended high school and middle school with me. I can relate to female friendships ending.
I have found it challenging as an adult to make friends. I’ve made some from previous work places I remain in touch with but overall the people I talk with the most and make time for are those I’ve been friends with for ages. I don’t have many close female friends. I’ve always admired women who have their own pack to do girls getaways and a bridal party etc. I haven’t had that. Do people make friends past the age of 35 that become close?
Hi Michelle – Speaking from recent personal experience, I do think you can make great, solid friendships past the age of 35. I’ve become very close to several friends in the past few years who I either barely knew or didn’t know prior. These are women I now text with random anecdotes and memes and articles! Yes! It is for sure possible. I think it can be tricky to find those women, though. I feel lucky that a lot of the women I’ve met more recently have been through my writing (fellow creatives), through friends of friends (especially when I moved back to DC, and had all of these old connections to check in with, and then got to know some of their friends, too), or through my children. I do think that joining a book club is a really good way to meet women and connect on a deeper level fairly quickly. You reveal so much of yourself when you share a reading of a text!
xx