I was moved by this recent post by Suleika Jaouad on paths not taken. In it, she shares some gleaming gems of lived wisdom:
“I’ve written before about how major life interruptions have ended up being some of the richest, most important times in my life. I think that’s because the plan is gone, and I’ve returned to what feels most natural, where there’s the most energy. So my advice to [college] first years…was not to box themselves in too soon.”
and
“I want to remember that nothing is ever wasted—like all those years I spent pursuing the double bass. By sixteen, I was spending six hours a day practicing the double bass, commuting to the city to attend Juilliard each week. I missed out on things like my high school prom in the name of becoming a professional musician. It’s sometimes tempting to think, “Oh, I wasted time on this thing that didn’t become anything.” But music informs every aspect of my life. It affects how I write: theme, rhythm, motif, and structure all come to bear on my prose. It brought me my husband, and now we have a home filled with music. If you’re open enough, flexible enough, and paying attention, you can see the poetry and the mystery in how things shake out.”
Poetry and mystery! A perfect casting of the dynamic formula I’ve been writing my way through in my recent, divergent, musings about how sometimes things just happen, and we can’t permit ourselves to attach too much meaning to them, or we begin to lose faith in the goodness of the world, and sometimes coincidences are calling out for inspection, and deserve a close reading. When to read into things? And when to accept them at their face value? A new kind of literacy for a new decade of life, I guess. I recently had a situation where someone did something callous, and I sat for a minute with my own hurt and then decided I didn’t need to assume the worst, and that I could instead assume the best, or maybe just the neutral: she didn’t mean anything by it. And I let it go. I mean, really let it go.
But today I’m interested in Suleika’s grappling with roads we didn’t take, and how those decisions have played out in our lives. What’s a path you’re happy you didn’t take, and why? (I am thinking this might be helpful for fellow Magpies vacillating between a few big options — they may choose differently than you did, but at least hearing how others’ decisions panned out can inform.)
A few paths I’m happy I didn’t take: going to Duke University (great school, but UVA is where I fell in love with my husband and “bloomed” into an adult version of myself; I think this decision would have entirely changed my life); moving to San Francisco for a job in online courseware development in my late 20s; going back to the corporate world after having my daughter. This last choice hurt for a long time in the sense that Landon and I forewent a second salary for awhile so I could build this blog from the ground up. It takes a long time to build a business. But my God am I glad we made that “investment” in me, in this space, in this community. I wonder sometimes — if I were presented with that choice now, at the more circumspect and settled age of 40, would I have the guts to do it?
Please share yours!
Post-Scripts.
+If you could go back to school tomorrow, what would you study?
+I’m a secretly bad book girl.
Shopping Break.
+My water-resistant suede boots from Freda Salvador are 20% off with code FREDAWINTER. These are such a great chelsea boot for inclement / wet / sludgy weather. I like them styled with a cropped hem so you can see the full shape of the boot / most of the shaft — I’ve worn with these and these.
+I’ve fallen in love with two pairs of glossy earrings from Jennybird: these hearts and these viral “non-stops” they can hardly keep in stock! Which should I order?
+This denim vest from VB…swoon! Look for less at Sezane, COS, or Madewell.
+I own this bag in a deep Atlantic green but how spectacular in the minimalist bone color?
+Another bag that is SO good, and this one under $140: this COS steal in gorgeous brown suede.
+Obsessed with these beautiful coasters. Remind me of De Gournay! In fact, Addison Ross has a bunch of chic pieces in this motif — frames (!!! I think I need it), trays, pepper grinders! The frame would be gorgeous with a photo of you and your mom for Mother’s Day.
+My MIL has the iconic Paloma Picasso for Tiffany cuff — it is SO chic — and I just found a good look for less here.
+Another well-reviewed product for fellow Magpies with dark undereye circles.
+My favorite cashmere set, now in ice blue.
+Sweet leggings for your little one, on sale for like $13.
+This sherpa fleece with a sheep pattern is beyond adorable.
+Best way to stow out of season shoes. And a must for organizing closet shelves.
+Very attracted to this pen/writing implement organizer…
+Drawn to this gorgeous pink knit. Imagine paired with a pair of silky trousers…
+Cute cherry print dress for a little lady.
Mine is a little long-winded. I did well at school, well enough to get accepted in the law degree of my (then) dreams, and went on to get a double degree in law and arts, with a double major in English and Political Science. Typically, the path after this is to get a graduate job in a law firm, the corporate world or in government, and become admitted as a practising lawyer. That’s what all my law school friends did and what I assumed I’d do for a long time. But by the end of my degree, I knew that practicing the law wasn’t for me, that I wanted a job with creativity at it’s heart. I wound up in a graduate program in a top-tier advertising agency as an account executive, despite having exactly zero experience in advertising. So, so different to where I ever envisaged myself going. But it was that role that showed me what I really wanted to do for work. It was in the next role on that particular career path that I met my now-husband. It was that industry that allowed me to spend 4 months living in New York. It was those experiences, all glued together, that meant my husband and I could start our own creative consultancy and writing company, which meant we could move to my rural home town and work remotely, not have a mountain of debt owed on a house in the city, be present for our young son, and live comfortably in a lifestyle so entirely different to what I ever imagined for myself, but so much more suited to who I am.
I used to think I’d have made it when I could afford to buy designer clothing to wear to a corporate office job. Today, I know I’ve made it because I see my parents at least weekly, I have freedom and flexibility to be creative, and I get paid to do things I love and am good at: reading, researching, thinking, writing. And it’s not taking the expected path that’s made it all come to bear.
This is so beautiful – I love the way you’ve redefined “making it” for yourself. And, as a fellow squiggly path gal, I see you!!!
xx
I met my husband the day after I turned down a job in a new city. I was SO eager to move but something felt off about the position. I spent the week prior trying to talk myself into accepting it (since it was in the city I dreamed of moving to) …but deep down I knew the job wasn’t right for me. The next day my world turned upside down. I knew immediately he was the man I was going to marry. Not long after that I received a huge (truly life-changing) promotion at work. Nine years and two kids later, we still live in the town I was so desperate to leave. I have reached heights in my career I didn’t think possible. I am incredibly thankful I listened to my instincts and turned down that job. I still have the email I sent to the company declining the position. Maybe I should frame it! Ha!
OMG!! Truly kismet! xx
Glad I didn’t take the paths of:
Trad wife
US Military
MIT student
Cornell Grad
Chemical Engineer
Astronaut (looooolllll)
New Yorker
Thankful for all the folks I broke up with, all the whims I followed and ill-considered decisions I made, even my heartbreaking miscarriage. Rejection really is redirection.
Amen – rejection is redirection! Amen!
xx
I am listening to Ina Garten’s memoir on audiobook (so delightful!) and she has said several times “you never know your good breaks from your bad ones.” Half terrifying, half incredibly reassuring, and 100% true!
I remember that line – so true!
xx