Yesterday, my daughter had a major meltdown before school. She switched schools this fall, and the transition had been going surprisingly smoothly — she’d been trotting off to third grade enthusiastically, jumping into the car at the end of the day with a big smile on her face, telling us her day had been “GREAT!” — so I can’t say I was caught unaware by her Monday morning tempest. In fact, Landon and I have been making eyes at one another for the past two weeks straight, asking “when will the other shoe drop?” and occasionally smiling sheepishly, though with healthy circumspection, at our apparent good luck. We know our girl. Transitions are tough for her, and she is also a rule-follower at school who then lets out all her steam when with us. So why did I feel like a wilted flower when she rampaged against going to school yesterday? (“I’m not going!” Door slam. Meanwhile, the clock ticks closer to, and then past, our normal departure time.) Why did I find myself throttled back to her toddler tantrum days, during which I’d occasionally feel so powerless that I’d think, “I just don’t think I can get her to school today. It’s just not going to happen.” I was frustrated — a little bit with her, if I’m honest, because we have worked so hard over the years to help her cultivate more calm and resilience in moments like this, and a lot with myself, as I felt entirely defeated and, I am embarrassed to admit, worn out by parenting in a way I haven’t felt in awhile. I had a difficult time ponying up the energy to help her through her outburst. (Can’t you just get in the car, please?!?) It is so hard to tow the tough lines in parenthood. I want to be the soft landing, the warm hug, but I find myself instead shapeshifting into the resented boundary standing between my children and another brownie, ten more minutes of screen time, a later bedtime, a day spent at home versus at school. Writing this out, I know what is being asked of me, and I know I must (and will) rally the stamina to continue. The head of my daughter’s school often says: “Remember who is the parent and who is the child.” Yes, I can do this; I must. But my God, does anyone else sometimes feel like just melting into the background for a minute, disappearing into the woodwork, where nothing is asked of her and no hard conversations need be had? Sure, stay home. Yeah, grab another snack. Mhm, you can watch TV. Playdate? Yep. Skip bath time? No problem.
Actual footage of me, attempting to navigate back to school
Deep breath.
I am sitting here reminding myself that this feeling of strain will pass. We are in that tough (and known) “back to school” zone where moods and energies are shifting wildly and the children are coming home exhausted. (We are tired, too! A lot of new schedules and events!) There is so much newness to navigate at school, I know I must do my best to tamp things down at home. I can’t say I’ve done an excellent job at that this year, despite going into this period anticipating some turbulence. Going away two nights last week and launching a new product line in early September was probably not ideal for my children. But I must also give myself grace; I know I am doing my absolute best to balance many demands at once. And this, too, shall pass. We will get into that October groove. We will become our full fall selves — sturdy, clipped-in.
In the meantime, in case any of you are oaring through similarly choppy water, a few things that have clarified my thoughts and comforted me this week:
+My mom sends a weekly prayer that we pray (separately, asynchronously) each morning. This week’s felt baldly directed at my Monday morning droop: “Do not lose heart, even if you should discover that you lack qualities necessary for the work to which you are called. He who called you will not desert you, but the moment you are in need, will stretch out His hand.” To say I felt I “lacked the qualities necessary for the work” yesterday morning would be understatement. I felt lifted reading these words yesterday and knowing my mother was praying over them, too.
+You are where you need to be. My forever favorite mantra as a mom when I feel stretched in too many directions. It is so clarifying for me to slow down and realize I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do. I am supposed to be here, coaxing my daughter out the door. I am intended to be helping her through this tough moment. I am her mother on purpose. I am right where I’m meant to be. (Let it be known: this is not always the same thing as “right where I want to be”…!)
+”Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.” – George Bernard Shaw. How can I wipe the fog and splatter from the window? How can I let the light in? Am I able to respond to these moments with brightness?
+”Every insight, every coincidence, every whisper of beauty is guiding you to remember: you are here for something holy.” I came across this quote on Instagram this week from Molesey Crawford, and it dovetailed with my refrain that love is always the point. Everything serves that center. Everything leads to something good within this framework. This line of thinking helps me reimagine myself as an instrument — not an ego living out her own desire, but a channel for something better. I’m not saying I succeed in this, but it’s a necessary reframe for me.
+Strive to be the lowest heart rate in the room. Whenever I read these words (which I keep on a post-it pinned to my desk), I remember to physically slow down. I relax my shoulders, release my tongue from the roof of my mouth, breathe. It helps!
Any other words of encouragement for those of us “in the straits” this week?
Post-Scripts.
+More thoughts in re: you’re where you need to be.
+A reminder that this — even the sticky, swampy bits — is the main event.
+How do you help your kids reset? (Man, I needed to bring this up this week. But a really tactical question: how do you help your kids reset when you’re running out a clock?! ACK!)
Shopping Break.
+The perfect sticky notes for these reminders, if I do say so myself. This weekly planner is also helpful in these times; I’ve been using it to highlight specific “mom / home goals” for each day of the week. I keep another notepad with all the ticky-tacky to-dos for the day, but to have one place to list out the objectives for each day of the week — just 1 or 2 per calendar day — has been so clarifying for me. I’ll write things like “make Hill’s playdate really special,” or “bring a BIG energy to Emory’s first soccer practice.”
+OK this fair isle cardigan…!!!! In my cart! (Alex Mill also has a great one in a bolder fall palette 40% off here.) Also drooling over their new sweater coat.
+How I’d style the fair isle:
FAIR ISLE CARDI // CAPED TRENCH // BEST CORDS (GO UP A SIZE) // PLAID TOTE // FAVORITE FALL FLATS
+This reminds me of Alemais, but like half the price! Such a great pattern for fall.
+Love the unexpected greige color on this sweater! (While you’re there: currently wearing my Half Day tee and LOVE it. I paired with these barrel-leg utility pants, which are SO GOOD if you’re a fellow petite. Like the perfect proportions and sit perfectly — try these if you like the Nili Lotan Shons but find them too overwhelming on your frame.)
+Another wardrobe basic I’m obsessed with: these super-snug/slim-fit sweatshirts from Loup, currently on sale for under $80. I love the fit/silhouette — they sort of define your waist but are still cozy/snuggly. Look a little more polished than your average sweatshirt. I own in copper (perfect fall hue) and vermilion.
+A seriously chic blouse for fall jeans.
+My kind of pants. Love the wide leg ankle silhouette!
+I keep this heavy duty lip treatment in my bedside table and apply before bed.
+Ordered this cozy zip-up knit. Intrigued by these wide-leg knit pants, too.
+Wow, the embroidery on this!
+Wayfair is running its “epic fall sale” — how great are this woven end table (50% off!), these adirondack chairs for a fall fire pit / handing out Halloween candy on the front lawn, this woven rug for an entry area?
+In these “last gasp of summer” days, I’m throwing these on with jeans and transition-to-fall tops!
+A great espresso tweed blazer for under $150.
+Cute flannel for your boy.
+Sweetest gingham jammies for littles at a great price. Also, a reminder that Burts Bees has the CUTEST Halloween pajamas for this year (love the illustrations!) and they’re like $15/pop.
+Love this bib front button-down paired with simple straight leg jeans. Currently on sale!
+Margaux has a fun new ballet flat shape — love!
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This was exactly what I needed today after a rough end of week for my new kindergarteners. I too was surprised by how smooth the transition was going for them and waiting for reality to set in, but after some rough drop offs and pickups, we made it through with many hugs and calm reassurances for the kids, and mom too. I so appreciate your mantra of “you are where you need to be” and needed the reminder of it this week. Thank you!
Hi Beth! Solidarity, and hope this week is running more smoothly — ours is! Phew. My mom (mother of five) warned me that there will likely be another bumpy patch or two in another few weeks — and just to see it as a blip and keep going!!
Sending love. So glad these words were reassuring for you. We’re not alone!!!
xx
In solidarity with all the families in this time of transition! Whew.
It seems my daughter is so similar to your E. She is a rule follower too and last year her teacher talked about how “easy” she was. I was thinking wait, are we talking about the same kid?! She is so strong-willed at home and will negotiate until the cows come home.
One reframe that has been especially helpful to me: “Boundaries are a form of love.” And to expect the resulting pushback to that boundary. Because who would want to go to bed earlier when in the middle of drawing/playing/reading etc? But I have to remind myself that there are decisions that I need to make as a parent. She gets to make decisions that are appropriate for her to make, but sometimes I just need to hold a boundary even if it’s hard because that’s what’s loving her means. So I expect the resistance, but high-five myself inwardly on those rare occasions when there is no resistance!
Your description of your daughter is SO similar to mine! I love your note on boundaries as a form of love. It is so true! And also a reminder that sometimes we really have to rise above the kneejerk (UGH!) and get to the philosophical (“she needs me to be her parent right now”)!
xx
So relatable — my son just moved on to middle school at a different school from all of his elementary classmates. The transition has been rough to say the least. We drive by his elementary school everyday to get to and from the middle school there’s a lot of talk about how he wants to go back (which breaks my heart because there’s nothing I can do!). I keep telling myself that he’s doing a little better every week and he’s actually doing well at the new school despite the talk about wanting to go back to elementary school. We’ll get there eventually but it’s a challenge for sure!
Right there, shoulder to shoulder, with you! Emory has also asked: “If I go to this new school for a year, can I go back to my old school next year?” It’s so crushing to hear. I know we will all get through this but man sometimes these transitions are tough!
Sending love and smooth seas —
xx
Back at you!
Wow, I needed to read this today. Thank you so much. You are a light❤️
Oh gosh my pleasure – and the comments here have totally boosted me up. So thanks for the solidarity!! xx
The only way out is through! A bit trite, but true.
Amen!! xx
This morning my peloton instructor was describing riding her bike up a mountain recently and wanting to quit. But then she said “I surrendered to the fact that I had wanted to do this”. It stopped me in my tracks, surrendering to difficulty, because it’s part of what we wanted. Oh! Surrendering to the difficulty is the exact opposite of what I usually do- always looking for ways to make things easier or swerve around the worst parts. But some things, like parenting during the beginning of a new school year, maybe require us to just surrender to the difficulty. Something to noodle on in the coming days. And as you would say, onward!
I love this – thanks so much for sharing. Just reading those words feels like a potent right-sizing. Onward!!
xx
There was a few times when my daughter missed the bus and I’d frantically be driving her to school a wreck about being late for work with this unexpected stop. I remember one time yelling at her and she started crying and said but I’m a good kid. It stopped me in my tracks and feel so guilty to this day for losing my patience. Deep breaths to all the moms out there. Parenting truly is the hardest and most important job!
Amen – thanks for sharing this vulnerable moment. I’ll be carrying that around in my pocket!!
xx
It’s a tightrope for sure. And seeing myself reflected in some of their reactions is not pleasant either! I like the prayer you mentioned – or, in the moment, a prayer as succinct as “help!”Hang in there, parents…
Yes, “help!!!” is on the tip of my tongue…hang in there!!
xx
SO much solidarity. I am mothering a fierce daughter and mornings can be tricky for us sometimes. I appreciate you sharing these mantras, I often think to myself that I’m strong enough to handle this and help her, and try to hakuna matata my way into being a few minutes late if necessary. One thing that I’ve starting doing that does seem to help us repair is when she has calmed down, i whisper to her ‘I’m so proud of you, That really stunk and we did it’ and then i give her a big hug. (somewhere i read that a strong hug for 20 seconds helps the body calm down). Whispering to her my deep pride helps her know that that was hard and she did it (and is now sitting in the car, going to be amazing at school, etc) and despite any behavior on my part, i’m not mad at her. And it helps me remember to be her teammate as she learns how to navigate emotions much stronger than the ones i had as a kid (but warning, this almost always causes my eyes to well up a bit – i wish this was easier for her).
Oh I love these thoughts so much on the “repair” moment. One regret I have from yesterday is that I didn’t have time for that reconnect as she was whisked out the door and off to school. Another mom friend recently told me she tells her son, who has strong emotions like my own girl, “you have everything you need to get through this moment” and “I know you can get through this” and “you have all the tools for this moment.” I loved that general motif of comments, because it reminds the child she has autonomy, and it also reminds me that I am not the one who needs to fix the moment or make a change, you know? I don’t need to change the boundary/rule/etc, I need to help her figure out how to move through the moment.
Anyway, back to your notes on repair: I am going to keep that concept of a 20 second hug in my back pocket!!!
xx