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A girlfriend of mine introduced me to the podcast A Thing or Two this week and I’ve listened to several episodes while running (typically, running is a For Music Only undertaking, but it turns out that you can teach an old dog new tricks, so here we are). It’s like going for a jog with two funny, observant girlfriends but not having to say anything myself. In one of them, Erica and Claire discuss the concept of things that are “regrettably worth it” (RWIs, in their patois), with Skims and “stretching” as demonstrative examples. (Ha!) I found the notion delightful and drew up my own list:
Ironing and tailoring clothes
Dressing for the weather
Going to bed early
Avoiding high heels
Hunza G swimsuits (they fit and flatter everyone, I STG)
Waiting before responding when you are angry
Investing in a no-skips, high quality underwear drawer (all our favorites here)
Being the bigger person
Professional blowouts when you want to feel your best
Mainly, these are things that are unsexy and involve some measure of mature restraint or parsimonious pre-calculation. For example, I absolutely loathe spending money at the tailor, and yet I always find the results worth it. You not only look better but feel better when clothes fit you properly, and you also tend to prolong the lifespan of the garment, as you are more likely to wear something that fits well. Still, you should see the way I drag my feet to avoid the errand. I feel a strange mix of virtuousness and profligacy when I complete it. It feels “responsible” and “adult,” and I know I’ll appreciate the results, but it’s also a dry-as-dust way to spend $100.
On the things-that-are-over-marketed-but-still-really-good-and-really-worth-it side of the conversation, I’d have to put Hunza G swimsuits (love the Pamela in particular), Lake Pajamas, Hanky Panky lace unders (specifically in the neutral colors – I don’t even mess around with colored ones anymore; these are invisible beneath white/semi-sheer), Clarins Double Serum, Merit makeup (for that low-maintenance, barely-there everyday cosmetic routine), and Boll & Branch sheeting. Are they everywhere all at once? Yes, but I swear by them and buy them routinely, and I know most — or many — of you do, too. (*N.B. that a Magpie reader recently asked for my favorite sheeting and I said I prefer my Boll & Branch to Matouk. Matouk has better patterns, but I found it much more prone to wrinkling, and the B&B soften with each wash in the most appealing way. However, if you’re looking to invest, I would take a look at Yves Delorme. I’ve slept on their sheeting in several nice hotels and it is incredible. But for a budget, don’t miss Target’s 400 thread-count sheeting — I bought this originally as a “back up set” for our primary bedroom and now cycle it in with my B&B without hesitation. Surprisingly well-made for a great price.)
Curious what you might add to this list, whether on the side of boring-things-that-are-definitely-worth-doing, or hyped items that you reluctantly tried and admittedly love? (I just ordered my Dyson AirWrap and am very curious about where this one will land. I’ve heard some women rant about it, and others rave about it. But, as Erica and Claire pointed out, one woman’s RWI is another woman’s RNWI (regrettably not worth it).)
On a totally different thread, I thought a lot this week about how to navigate criticism when you are building something, and generally how to work through the awkwardness of starting something new. The theme seemed to be everywhere I looked this week. It started when a Magpie reader emailed me about it (as I mentioned yesterday), and then I found the motif cropping up elsewhere:
+I went to see Caroline Chambers speak and she touched on the early days of starting her now-massively-popular Substack (specifically citing the times she’d beg friends and aunts to like her early instagram posts) and the imposter-syndrome “roil” of waiting for her book to come out and worrying it would be hated, would miss the mark, etc;
+Tinx said that “everything is cringe until you become good at it”;
+Grace Atwood talked about a trending essay that someone wrote about how Substack is contributing to the mediocrity of writing these days that she (Grace, along with other readers) found wounding.
I shared some encouragement for athletes-at-the-start-line in yesterday’s post, but one thing I have been asking myself on this subject is how to draw the line between staying open to feedback and knowing when to “make like a duck” and let things slick right off your back (easier said than done). I’ve been in the company of a few people who navigate this quandary well, and they seem to possess a rare mix of confidence and anti-ego. I am thinking of a former boss who was astoundingly self-assured (especially on a dais, or when pitching — airtight, headstrong, convicted in his own thinking), but would also sit with you and display incredible humility and open-mindedness in taking feedback. I always thought he had a finely tuned B.S. radar. He used questions to un-stick himself when he felt he was being unfairly critiqued or probed by someone lacking the credential to do so. (“I’m so curious why you’d say that — can you tell me more?” and “Hm. What led you to that assumption?” A lot of nervous chair-scraping and throat-clearing followed.) But more often than not, he’d sit in the hot seat, graciously take the feedback, and then let it evaporate into thin air immediately afterward. I remember many post-presentation walks in which I’d trot alongside him, my mind swirling with thoughts to share in our debrief, and he’d already have let the entire thing go. “What’s next, Jen?” he’d ask. I think he made an early peace with Emerson’s theorem: “to be successful is to be misunderstood,” and knew intuitively to put his energy into what mattered to him, which is to say, the forward movement of his business–and not battling or worrying about every dissenting opinion over how he was doing it. I see now the strength of vision this required of him, and his adeptness in quickly differentiating between useful feedback and noise. He knew how to let the right ones in.
How do we get there, though? I think it all comes back to the “that’s one data point” perspective I shared yesterday. This is not only a functional practice but a way of taking the sting out of the bee, you know? Like – “OK, thanks for that one opinion; who’s next?” Back in my product development days, we’d say “feedback is a gift,” and we’d organize it into categories, look for patterns, and place the outliers at the very bottom of the grid. So let the bogus feedback filter to where it properly belongs.
Is this helpful?
Possibly no, because no matter what strategies and visualizations you have in place, no matter how humble you intend to be, there is nothing quite like being told you are out of line, not doing a good job, failing at something you are trying really hard to do well. Even if you realize it says more about the speaker. Even if you treat it as “one data point.” It hurts! And it sucks! And if you are licking your wounds right now, the most helpful thing I can say is that this, too, will pass, and one day, you will realize that this feedback galvanized you in ways you can’t now imagine. You’ll work harder because of it, incorporate the feedback and get better because of it, or develop a thick skin that will make future unpleasantness easier. So, as we say, onward —
****
Also this week…
A lot of Baby-Sitters Club // My girl and I twinning in If Only If nightgowns
The best scalp scrub ever has been in heavy rotation was we round the end of summer — the best for getting sweat, chlorine, sand, sunscreen out of your hair! I use in lieu of shampoo 1-2x a week. The prelude to a great hair day. And it’s on sale here! (Today is the final day of Shopbop’s 20% off beauty promotion — all my picks here. But trust me, this one you need.)
While we’re talking beauty, Honest sent me a bundle of their bestsellers, and I am really liking their gentle calendula facial cleanser and wipes. A facialist once told me not to overspend on cleansers since they spend so little time on your face, and this one (under $20) is a new favorite that fits the bill. And on the left: new UBeauty lip plasma colors! I absolutely love this product. I noticed that my girlfriend had one in her bag the other day — and we’d never talked about them before! They plump your lips and come in the best colors. 20% off with JENSHOOP! Actually, I like them so much, I want to gift one to a reader who. needs to be introduced to their magic. Just leave a comment and I’ll randomly pick a winner to send a tube to!
Some little vignettes of inspiration and creativity: still making my way through Margaret Renkl’s Comfort of Crows book (a series of short musings on the natural world — I try to read one with coffee in the morning when I can) and some hand-drafting in my beloved Appointed notebooks. I was writing in green ink, which always reminds me of one of my best friends, who ONLY writes in green ink. Our lives become mosaics of the people we love…
My daughter, an extension of my own gesture: mothering her Beanie Boos and creating a library in our bathroom. I saw these two moments and I thought of that gutting poem, “Beattie Is Three“:
We take our time
Down the steep carpetway
As I wish silently
That the stairs were endless..
Finally, I took no photos when I took a girlfriend to see Caroline Chambers speak at The Lincoln Theater on U Street, but the energy at that event was beautiful: women cheering for other women. At one point, a baby was crying and Caro said: “I just want to say, to whoever brought that baby, I’m so happy you’re here!” The kind of crew you want to be a part of.
I did, however, take a photo of my frozen spicy watermelon margarita from Jane Jane, and it feels like a good place to wrap this week — a snapshot of sisterhood and watermelons, a subject about which Erica and Claire had some hilarious commentary earlier this week, too! (Look up their podcast in which they interview Tessa Bailey and you’ll understand. Did you know there are male and female watermelons?!)
And lastly, would it even be a Magpie Sunday without a little shopping poetry?
First: for my fellow runners, Tracksmith is running a rare sale that ends today. I was late to the party (thanks to a Magpie for alerting me!). This is the best quality running gear on the market IMO. I bought extra pairs of their Twilight shorts and Harrier tees. I especially like their turnover tights for cold weather – they somehow keep you warm but are non-bulky. Just exceptionally well-made. I find their bottoms run TINY and go up a size. Tops run TTS.
Boxer short summer – I love these in navy and these in stripe // Your baby girl needs this Canadian tuxedo // Contemplating buying a birdfeeder, and this one is at the top of my list // CHIC under $100 clutch // A perfect reversible coat // LOVE this poplin dress, just which color to get?! // If you don’t have one of these Ubbi bath toy organizers, you need one (bottom has a tray that drains water so toys don’t get moldy) // Best scalp scrub (20% off) // Kule tees forever // My favorite lip plumper
DRESS // LIP PLASMA // CLUTCH // STRIPED TEE // BABY GIRL DENIM OUTFIT // SHORTS // SCALP SCRUB // BATH TOY ORGANIZER
The RWI is such a great topic and love your waiting to respond when angry. My own highlights- meditation as much as your day allows, really hard workouts but only 1-2x week, psycho dedication to dental health, stopping it with the people pleasing, wayyyy less caffeine and an embargo on dubiously made Amazon clothing. Xx
Hi Mimi! I love the “read hard workouts 1-2x a week” and dedication to dental health! One of my girlfriends recently said to me that one of her biggest learnings of her 30s was “you cannot under any circumstances miss a dental cleaning. Just don’t do it.” Amen!
xx
I am a fellow writer and I just love the way you write: real, raw, funny, emotional. So happy to have discovered your blog.❤️ You inspire me.
Gosh – that means so much to me. Thank you, Kris!
Thanks for introducing me to A Thing or Two – I’ve loved catching up on the last few podcast episodes while at home with a newborn. I would love to try the plasma!
Yay! So glad you’re enjoying the podcast – so am I! A happy discovery via my friend! xx
That photo of you and your daughter with matching nightgowns – I can’t wait to do that with my (currently infant) daughter when she’s older!
Aw – thanks!! It still feels surreal to me now!! My mini!
I just bought comfort of crows and I love your idea of reading a passage in the AM with coffee!
Yay! It is such a nourishing ritual, and the chapters are just the right length. A great little morning bite. LMK what you think! xx
My RWIs:
– booking the next annual appointment while I’m still in the office for the current year’s appointment
– always having a good book on me, whether it’s a physical copy or on Libby
– pristine dental hygiene
– water before coffee in the morning (this is the hardest for me to follow)
– being the first to reach out after a fight
These are incredible. Being the first to reach out – yes. Sometimes painful, but always worth it.
xx
RWI: exercise or even just moving my body; tidying my office at end of day; flossing; so much yes to ironing!
Flossing and exercising – amen!
Opting for a nonalcoholic drink or mocktail whether out or at home. Not worth the yucky feeling or triggering a migraine.
Meal planning and prepping produce ahead of time. Making lunch the night before and sometimes brewing a cup of coffee for an at home iced coffee in the AM.
Cleaning and laundry routines. I’m far too particular to outsource these home tasks.
Curious if the UBeauty lip plasma might become a RWI for me. I’ve been a lip balm girl since my 1990s Lip Smacker obsession. Since running out of Linege lip mask I’ve been looking for something new.
Love the way you think about your future self in all of these items – such a gesture of self-love!!
xx
Business class airfare & non-stop flights.
Traveling carry-on only.
Wardrobes over dressers means no flat surfaces to accumulate clutter!
Maintaining a consistent sleep/wake time.
No caffeine after 12pm.
All matching underwear, bras, and socks means no matching/sorting.
iPhone insurance. After an accidental three story fall down an elevator shaft, my phone didn’t need it. Living in Arizona, the battery overheated and did need work, saving me hundreds!
Next on my list to try- only having two sizes of food storage containers. I hope this makes finding lids and organizing easier. I heard about this and plan to try it (1 larger size and 1 smaller one).
Traveling carry-on — yes! It feels so freeing in a sense! Interestingly, though, when we’re traveling with the kids, we pay extra to have no hand luggage (e.g., will pay to check something we probably could carry on). It feels similarly freeing for different reasons.
Love the food container idea! Awhile ago, we swapped out our plastic for glass and only have a handful of sizes. This has been really helpful.
xx
RWI:
– Upgrading to extra space/bulkhead seats when flying
– Bombas socks (truly better than any dupe but feels ridiculous to spend so much on SOCKS)
– Cleaning ladies (always astounded at how clean they get the house and wish we could afford them more often)
– Grocery delivery (any time, but particularly when returning from a trip…I usually use Instacart to get delivery from Wegman’s which is a liiiiiittle further than I like to go for my regular shop)
– His and Hers towels (we have white Weezie towels w/ different colored trims + our respective monograms – expensive but no more questioning where your towel’s been )
Lastly, hate to report that the Dyson Airwrap is WORTH IT. I use the curling attachments multiple times a week for salon-like blowouts.
I have been putting off Bombas for a long time but I think you’ve convinced me!!
xx
Love this post! Dying to gift the plasma to friends
Yay! So glad!
My personal RWIs: laser hair removal, doing the dishes and not letting them sit in the sink overnight, workout classes (I hate spending $ on boutique pilates classes or what have you when I already have a gym membership, but it’s so great having someone tell me what to do, correcting my form, and holding me accountable).
Very curious in trying the lip plasma! My lips are chronically chapped post-Accutane, and I’m always on the hunt for lip products that won’t exacerbate the dryness.
The “doing the dishes right away” one really got me. It’s SO tempting to just let them sit in the sink so you can get on with your day, but then it’s an annoying open tab!!
xx
Throwing myself in the ring for the UBeauty lip plasma, I’ve been wanting to give it a try!
Yay! Hi Lisa!
Hello! The If Only If nightgowns – did they fit true to size? I love the old hill house nightgowns and wear them to bed and was curious how they compared,
Hi Emily! I would say they run big — I took the smallest size and it’s very roomy. xx
RWI:
Prepping kids lunch/bags/everything else possible the night before
Putting everything on a to-do list as it arises
Meal planning
On the topic of great undergarments, do you have a rec for a strapless bra? I bought those J Crew cap sleeve square neck tops you suggested, and a strapless bra seems necessary to wear them.
Hi Malya! I use an old Gap strapless one I bought in nude and black and I wear them as infrequently as possible because I consider all strapless bras torture. That said, if either of them kicks the bucket, I’ve heard good things about Wacoal’s Red Carpet strapless and would buy that one next:
https://go.shopmy.us/p-7105766
xx
I always love your take on things! It spurs such great conversation with my friends and family.
Can’t wait to hear what you think of the Airwrap… I’ve been going back and forth on it and can’t decide. Xo
Thank you SO much – so flattered by this note. Will def share thoughts after I’ve thoroughly tested!
xx
I ordered a dress from Parterres recent sale and it’s a touch too big – you are the motivation I need to get to the tailor!
Yay!! Worth it!!
Hi Jen! Going to order the Goop scalp scrub, based on your recommendation. Back in the fall, there were a bunch of Goop products at Marshall’s, including the scrub. I regret not grabbing the product then. I think the company was changing the packaging and that’s why the products wound up at the discount retailer.
The latest find at Marshall’s was Costa Brazil. Have you tried their products? I love the perfume and have had that for a while. Marshall’s didn’t have the scent, but had some of the body oil which I have purchased from the CB website and the body wash/hand wash, which I have not tried.
Also curious about trying the UBeauty lip plasma!
Also, FYI, looks like Gap restocked some of the red CashSoft cardigans you featured on the blog the other day. I ordered one and am excited to receive it.
Thank you for these notes, Marty! I’d not heard of CB but now I am looking into the brand!
xx
Currently, the #1 RWI for both me and my husband is leaving our phones in another room entirely while we work to completely avoid the distraction. We are both “in the thick of it” at work right now and find at the end of the day, we feel better about how our days went when they were spent entirely off our phones. I think this also ties in to your point about taking in criticism – much easier for me to accept the feedback I get IRL when I’m not critiquing or comparing myself to what I see on social media, because I feel more confident in myself. I think Grace just posted last week about a study which showed women who spend more time on Tik Tok feel worse about themselves! Lastly, would love to try the UBeauty plasma to see how it compares to the Rhode beauty lip product!
Love the idea of leaving the phone in the other room – can totally see how it would help you get out of a comparison mindset. I have also learned to be really careful about who I follow for this reason!
xx
RWI weekly meal planning and replacing expensive running shoes before they’re “worn out” never feel easy at the time. But the payoff is real. Plus washing make-up brushes.
Oo these are great. The running shoe one in particular caught my attention. I totally wait until the treads are too worn, and then I hurt myself!
xx
We have all been that mom with the crying baby and debating if we should just leave or can we “fix it” and stop the crying quickly. Kudos to the speaker for giving the mom a bit of grace!
Agree! It was so gracious and really set the tone for everyone! xx
Oooh RWI! Putting my week’s vitamins and supplements into my little plastic pills case. And definitely cleaning jewelry with a soft toothbrush and dish soap.
Love these – I need to do the jewelry cleaning! You’ve inspired me!
xx
RWI: cleaning my jewelry. Such a tedious task, taking out all the equipment and cleaning solution, setting it all up, hauling out all the pieces that need to be cleaned, laying them out to dry, putting everything away when it’s done. But then everything looks brand new and soooo sparkly after! Definitely joy sparking.
I need to do this! You’re the second or third Magpie with that RWI!!
Regrettably worth it
At the sweet age of 60- SUNSCREEN
On the dyson air wrap as a person with fine and board straight hair, it so only way I can get volume short of a professional blow out.
Fingers crossed for some lip plasma!
Amen to sunscreen. I feel that powerfully right now – I am good about applying but this summer I noticed a ton of freckling and sun spotting on my face, I think because of the Vitamin C products I’m using (which make you sensitive to sun), and have now become a super-zealot about applying and reapplying facial sunscreen, and trying to wear a hat, too!
xx
I purchased the caro chambers cookbook after reading one of your posts and i am LOVING it!!! thanks for the great rec!
Yay! So glad!
I’ve been using Olaplex scalp salt and really do not like it at all. I’m going to try Goop next.
Curious about the lip plasma. How do you find your color?
Absolutely adore that sweet picture of mini in the bed! Precious face!
Aw thank you! I think you’ll love the Goop. My favorite plasma color is the rose – a perfect everyday pink!
xx
I’ve been using Slapped scalp salt and really do not like it at all. I’m going to try Goop next.
Curious about the lip plasma. How do you find your color?
Absolutely adore that sweet picture of mini in the bed! Precious face!
Regrettably worth it: Furniture that fits your lifestyle. I’d held off on buying a sectional for far too long and prefer to be “out of the house” and enjoy spending money on outings and things to wear on outings rather than furnishing my home. Coming to the realization that my children and I do of course also spend a fair bit of time at home and did not have appropriate seating for it (until now) makes me wonder why I waited so long! I have never tried a scalp product and may be interested to check that out! I love makeup, skincare, and perfume and have always just left my hair “as is” but lately have been wondering if I am missing out on some magic. Baby sitters club reading sounds so fun! My son is the older one so I’ve been in a sea of dragons and other sorts of subjects like that and am excited for when my daughter reaches a stage that we can enjoy those sorts of books. She briefly was interested in the American Girl stories then interest waned. I hope and expect it will return (she’s only 6).
Hi Janice! Love the musing on furniture for your lifestyle. We learned that the hard way by buying some impractical and expensive furniture that our kids and dog destroyed. I regret not getting something more realistic!
My daughter also found the AG books snooze-worthy. I really tried! Will try again in another year or two maybe?
xx
I love that podcast! I absolutely adore Caroline Chambers, her recipes are incredible! Happy to be part of any girl gang that empowers and cheers on women! Why did we ever stop doing that?
Yay! So glad I found the podcast! I love it!
Regrettably worth it:
Doing a separate grocery run or order to get the good gluten free snacks. It’s a pain in the butt! I’m the only one who needs them! Everyone else will eat them! They’re so much more expensive! I’m terrible at doing things for myself! But the whole week flows smoother if I’m intentional about nourishing myself, snacks included.
Pricey sneakers. I walk so many miles in the day, I reach for the fancy ones exclusively. I feel like such a boring grown up grumbling about my arches but here we are.
Taking your makeup/sunscreen off every night. As much as I want to just collapse into bed after all day with a baby and toddler.
Letting my kid help with anything he ever offers to help with. It may take three times as long. I will have to redo it. But there are long term dividends I need to keep in mind!
Taking it easy on the caffeine. I wish I was still in my 20s and able to knock back two massive solo cups of cold brew, and I am not, I max out at 3 iced espressos daily (tapered down from the 5 I actually want).
Things that are cheap as heck or low lifts but good, actually: Etude House water lip tint (I even wear it to bed! It swipes on like nothing and you can’t feel it once it soaks in), Glysomed unscented hand cream (cheap and perfect for the whole body), a giant pump bottle of CosRx squalane, running the dishwasher even if not completely full (I use the timer function so it runs twice a day, that way I’m never left with a stack of dishes in the sink and a full dirty dishwasher when dinner concludes, though this will probably be less necessary when we leave our baby bottle era).
I knew you’d have some great ones – these are all so smart and I can totally relate to the internal angst over doing things you know will be better in the long run (snacks, washing face), but that are hard to convince yourself to do in the moment!
xx
I am so glad you found the athingortwo podcast! I absolutely love it and look forward to it every week. Two smart women who are entertaining and informative. I wish I had thought to recommend it to you. During the pandemic, my son recommended listening to a podcast while running which was a novel idea to me. A great idea ❤️
If you haven’t seen their gift guides, they are an absolute gold mine! There’s an archive. https://www.athingortwohq.com/gift-guide-episodes
Oooo I’m into this.
Yes, I feel so late to the party! I find them brilliant and funny and interesting. I listened again on my run this morning!
xx
I would love to try a UBeauty Lip plasma! I would also add my kindle to my RWI list because I love the look and feel of a real book but have been reading much faster and more often with a portable kindle.
YES! I resisted the e-reader for years and now it’s easily one of my top five favorite and most used possessions.
xx
Plasma!!!
Yay! Thanks Paige!
Love your blog, just a few comments on bird feeding. Great looking bird feeder, but f you have squirrels and don’t want to be feeding them you may want to look at Droll Yankee or some other squirrel deterrent brand. And no specie that I know of eats the millet seeds.
Thank you!! xx