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A few months ago, someone told me something that was difficult to hear – a sharp criticism that left me stammering, with heated cheeks. I could barely get my glass of water down to the table. I can’t recall what I said in immediate reply — it felt as though my ears and mouth had swollen closed. (Later, Mr. Magpie informed me I had nodded wanly and let the moment quietly go by.) I passed through the remainder of the afternoon as though submerged in water, with questions reaching me slowly, and with thick distortion. “Did you want another slice?” someone had asked, twice.
Later, two heads on a pillow, Mr. Magpie and I unpacked the damage, and gingerly, after I’d cried into his shirt. I told him that all afternoon, I’d felt an unkind desire to return the barb — or at least to point out how my critic was herself guilty of the same thing she found so unpleasant in me. I’d been lawyerly, crafting elaborate, airtight responses, dialing in on the errors and inconsistencies of her argument. But as I laid in bed, I told him that I also saw in my litigiousness a thin veil for the truth: that I was hurt, and sad. That I had not known she’d seen me that way, and was disappointed that someone could. And I knew that saying something sharp and cutting in response would do nothing–or worse.
We laid in bed with these thoughts. I considered myself, painfully, from new angles. I wondered what to say, or if I had to say anything. I asked why the comment had mattered so much to me: was it a people pleasing thing, or had she touched on some hypogean insecurity? I posited that there was some truth in the criticism. I examined the possibility that the comment was also a projection, or trigger response, on the part of the speaker. Mr. Magpie ran his hand up and down my leg as I rambled through these difficult explorations, occasionally interjecting with knowing looks or “but, Jen–” or, just, “I love you, Jennie.” Slowly, my umbrage gave way to tenderness. I dropped my crudely-formed defenses, and then my hurt, too, until I felt like the softest part of my pillow.
I learned something important that day. I would reflect on and learn from the actual criticism for some time, but this learning was agnostic to the specifics of that afternoon’s interaction. That day, I discovered how to be loving with myself even while experiencing conflict, and hurt. Too often in my life these moments have been shrouded with shame, the automatic assumption of fault, and subsequent self-torment, but that day, I was gentle with myself even as I explored the less-than-pleasant possibility that my critic was correct. I let myself be soft instead of hard.
Incredible, how much there is to learn, even at forty years old. I am still becoming myself after all.
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Also this week —
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Made Ina Garten’s Lemon Pound cake — absolutely delicious for breakfast with coffee, or as a citrus kiss after dinner.
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Treated myself to an at-home blowout the day before we went out of town — new unlock! Such a luxury not to have to think about doing your hair for the first few days of a trip. I used Glamsquad — reminder: $20 off for new users with code JenniferS and $15 off for repeat users with code JenniferS15.
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My two men! Mr. Magpie wearing a really nice quality tee from American basics brand Rowan.
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Diaries of a chronic overpacker // mini at the Garrett County Fair by Deep Creek Lake.
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Back patio morning hanging at Deep Creek Lake
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Dock stuff // boat stuff
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Morning lawn baseball at Deep Creek Lake
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Managed to read one book and start a second while traveling — new level of parenthood reached! // Back home, a moody hydrangea morning run during Storm Debbie
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Stretched out our anniversary week (14 years!) by enjoying a bottle of champagne we’d been saving on Tuesday, cutting into a caramel cake from Caroline’s Cakes (DELICIOUS – will be sending these as gifts for Christmas!), and going out to dinner on Friday.
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Shopping poetry: Tis the season of the denim dress. Just added this to my closet. // New UBeauty lip plasma colors. They just sent me the Idol and it’s such a great late summer hue! 20% off for new and returning customers with code JENSHOOP. // Ciao Lucia’s new collection is full of vintage-inspired pieces – obsessed with this little black ditty. // A lookalike for my Veronica Beard jacket I wore all last fall, but under $200. // Speaking of, no one does fall like Veronica Beard. I love their latest arrivals – all my top picks here. // Labels for your kids’ school gear! // Even though I wrote about back to school a few weeks ago, I dilly-dallied and was shocked to find very few navy walking shorts available for my son! (I’d also misread the uniform code – sounds like pull-on/drawstring shorts are a no-no now. Oops.) Gap and J. Crew Factory were sold out in the walking shorts! I managed to snag the last two of these in a size 5 and ordered a few less expensive pairs on Amazon – these, these – to test! Yikes!
I love your writing Jen because I feel like I’m going through the same experiences of learning to be kinder to myself. I’ve realized that when I’m having a strong emotion, I am also being hard on myself about feeling strongly – things like “you should be able to handle this emotion better,” or “why are you getting so wound up?”.
Words that have landed like a balm for me lately are “you have nothing to be afraid of with me” and “we are a team,” said gently to myself. It has allowed me to treat myself with so much more kindness.
I completely relate to those thoughts, Rachel – I feel like for most of my life, I’ve been strangely austere with myself, especially about things like grief, e.g., “you shouldn’t feel this much grief, you should be getting through this faster, etc.” Realizing that, and realizing how I would NEVER tell a loved one ANYTHING like that (in fact, the opposite), was a huge eye opener for me.
I love the things you’ve been telling yourself more recently. It reminded me of something else — that we’re always mothering future versions of ourselves. Doesn’t that change the framework a bit? Like, we should be nurturing and gentle in these moments of self-growth!!
xx
What an eloquent diagnosing and answering with a self hug!
I sat in church this morning and criticized myself again and again, asking God to lead me to be a better person, only to come home and read this. Your version is another way to address the issue and I will use both in the future. We really are our own worst critics aren’t we?
Thank you for this. Lets stay true to our hearts and go onward!
Amen to this note! Hoping you found a little grace for yourself on Sunday, too.
xx
This resonates so much! I used to rip myself to shreds when I received criticism (whether deserved or not) or fight perceived fire with fire. Neither are healthy. Thankfully with age came grace and I deal with it in much the way you described. Yes! an old gal can learn new tricks. I’m in my early 40’s and realize the truth of what my father always used to say “kids think they know everything, and old people know nothing”; with age comes wisdom and the realization that there’s so much to learn and how little we know.
Absolutely — the more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know. Parenthood really drove this home for me, and specifically having two kids. There is nothing more humbling than a second child. All the things you thought you knew go right out the window. The same is true for any time (literally any time) I get outside and observe nature. I know nothing about so many of the complex, intricate worlds I walk by on a daily basis — the cycles of flowers, why certain things grow well here vs. not, what the birds are doing after the rain…!
Anyway, just a complete endorsement of your father’s wisdom!
xx
Jen, I love your quiet music playlist. Have you listened to Ludovico Einaudi? I find his music very meditative….calming.
Hi Marsha! Thank you for the reminder! I have come across his work before and love it! Will add a few tracks to our playlist!
xx
Oh Jen, I feel this. My MIL said something harsh to me weeks ago that I’m still unpacking. Good job being gentle with yourself. You are above all more self aware/observant than most people are in their life, both for good and ill (your gorgeous insightful writing and your efforts to appease are two sides of a coin, but you’re still golden, never doubt that).
May I recommend Claire Saffitz’s Meyer Lemon Cake if you ever encounter someone dairy free? So much olive oil, and raw sugar and lemon juice instead of a syrup. Worked outstandingly gluten free and fills a 12 cup Bundt exactly. I add poppyseeds because why not!
https://www.amateurgourmet.com/blog/2023/01/crystalized-meyer-lemon-bundt-cake.html
You are so kind, Kelly. Thanks for the soft landing and generous compliments. Pressed those to my cheek today!
Thanks also for the recipe! Will file this way!
xx