What were you biggest learnings and accomplishments this year? Taking a minute to reflect on mine —
+Grieving Tilly. Perhaps strange to list this as a learning, or an accomplishment, but I mean it both in the sense that we made it through the acutely tender days just after she’d passed, when the entire house echoed with her absence, and that I was proud of the way I cared for myself through her loss. I remember one morning sitting down on the floor of my bedroom and just breathing slowly in and out for a long time. I would not have known to do this even a decade ago — to take care of myself as though sick. Do you ever have those moments where you see just how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown? I think in some ways my 30s were, among many other things (including lots of good ones), a coming to terms with the untreated grief of losing my friend Elizabeth at 26, and then losing a pregnancy at 30. I let those losses eat at me, unwilling to look them in the eye, and then I grew up a little and taught myself how to go about it differently in the next decade. We knew we were losing Tilly, and we walked straight towards it, eyes wide open. We showed her all of our love in the two weeks before she passed. We were holding her in our arms when she died. It was almost unbearable at that moment, and in the tender days after, but I kept thinking: It’s going to hurt; it’s going to have to. Grief is a permutation of love. And I made a space for that, and I remembered her, and I cried, and I taught my children that it was OK to be sad, and also OK to keep on living. It was deeply important to me that I model the acceptance of all these things for them, because I don’t want to them to have to learn it too late, in their 30s, the way I did, after years of repression. We still talk often about her; we have our little shrines. And we also keep going.
+Parting ways with our caregiver. An up front caveat: I am very much “pro” seeking help and finding childcare support. I don’t think you are proving anything to anyone by doing it all yourself when it is impossible to do so. We are still big on date nights and prioritizing time for just the two of us — increasingly in the form of travel and mini-getaways, just us. But this year, we parted amicable ways with our caregiver. We only needed her support between the hours of three (sometimes four, depending on extracurriculars) and six, and we decided we were going to see if we could make it work ourselves. It’s been one of the best decisions we’ve made in a long time. I find my days better-balanced, and I know I will never regret the handful of years I shortened my workday by a couple of hours in order to pick them up from school and spend time with them at home. I feel more integrated into their lives — I learn so much in the car ride home, just listening. I know this is not a possibility for many working women and so I understand this to be a tremendous privilege, and I also think there are ample ways to connect when you have less time, or can’t do pick-up, etc. We have a unique set of circumstances where I run my own business and control my own hours, and our children’s school is nearby, so my husband and I can take turns making the quick pickup circuit. It has required some reshuffling on my end: less time to write; changes to the way I produce content. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I’ve found my way through. Mainly, I love the feeling of home being just the four of us in the afternoons and evenings. We are a tight little pod. There are of course days where I long to be able to write roundly from 9 until 6, breaking only for lunch, and days where I am run thin by my children’s demands and noisiness when I am trying to finish one final thing and they are laying at my feet in my studio, but — everything is a flowing. There will be other seasons with wider margins. For now, I am leaning into the gift of our current arrangement, and I have been surprised by how satisfying and fluid it’s felt.
+Feeling strong at 40. I approached my 40th birthday in June with one goal: to feel strong and fit. And I did it. I used a combination of running four times a week and daily Heather Robertson videos, and sometimes stacking the two together. I felt powerful, toned, capable. I remember thinking “I don’t look that different…?” But now I look back at the photos and can see how much more muscle tone I had, and besides — I just felt good, and solid, from the inside out. For my 40th birthday, we went away to Charlottesville with a few of my best friends, and they indulged me by going on a hike in the Appalachians. Partway through, one of my guy friends (a seasoned runner) suggested we run the last third, and we did, and I was exhilarated and a little shocked by my own stamina. I was charging up the trail at a good pace! I’m still basking in the after glow of that accomplishment. I have not kept up with the commitment this fall, but in the past two weeks, I’ve clipped back in, and you know what’s helped me with this? Remembering how I felt the day I turned 40, and knowing I can get there again.
+Finding a signature scent. Discovered while in Colorado this summer, Ex Nihilo’s Lust in Paradise scent. I’m completely obsessed with this scent and wear it daily. I had been hunting for a true signature scent for a long, long time and this is it.
+Taking risks in writing. I stretched myself creatively this year by chasing some fiction. I even went away on a mini retreat, holing up in a hotel and writing for nearly 24 hours straight. I’ve felt challenged, and frustrated, and vulnerable. There is this great quote by Ira Glass: “All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit….you just gotta fight your way through.” I don’t know if I have good taste or not, but I do know what looks and sounds good to me, and sometimes I read my own work and feel distraught over the distance between the words on my page and where I want them to be. Still, I have stuck with it. I am nothing if not determined.
+Setting boundaries in a relationship that was hurting me. You would think this would come first in the list, but I’m ranking it last because it wasn’t accomplished with grace. More like agony and hot tears. If you’re in a similar situation, I see you. Sometimes you have to disappoint people in order to take care of yourself.
Things I’d like to work on in 2025:
+Being present. This is my true white whale. I’m forever aspiring to a baggier life, where I can just sit and soak it all up.
+Beginning to query agents for my manuscript.
+Sticking with a fitness routine. I am old enough now that I know there will be a few stretches each year in which I will clip out of my fitness routine. This is a feature, not a bug, of my overall program. I mean, sometimes sickness, or travel, or other things take precedence. That’s OK. But I’d really like to make those gaps few and far between.
+Listening. I consider myself a pretty good listener, but lately I’ve been auditing my conversations with friends new and old and I still think I could do a better job of asking more questions, and letting other people hold the mic. I am channeling my words on being a woman of substance: “She can listen without interjecting her own story; she can marvel without battling jealousy; she can endure unkindnesses without questioning herself. She does not need the last word, the biggest laugh, the adulation, the apology: she is full without the feedback. She stands still in her center.”
What about you? Any big learnings and achievements in 2024? Any fledgling goals for the next year?
Post-Scripts.
+In years past, I’ve set a one-word intention for the new year.
+What music do you play at home? (My secret work playlist here.)
Shopping Break.
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+Use code GIFT20 for a rare 20% off Adidas sneaks in great colors.
+Obsessing over the fit of these jeans with a smart cropped blazer. (How I’d style/accessorize here.)
+Really enjoying our Sakara delivery this week! We had a gingersnap parfait breakfast and a black garlic kale salad for lunch today — delicious and, as I mentioned, such a luxury to not have to think about what we’re eating this busy week. Reminder that JENSHOOP gets you 20% off.
+Dorsey is offering complimentary overnight shipping for the next two days. Their classics are here. The Clemence necklace or bracelet are fool-proof gifts — they work with anyone’s style, whether feminine, edgy, classic, eclectic, etc!
+Another great velvet blazer (this one under $200) if you’re still thinking about mine from VB.
+You all have been loving the Ugg slippers – these and these have been best sellers this season. These are still on sale!
+Dreamy lounge set at a great price to pair the slippers with…
+I just went running with these Bose open ear airpods yesterday and am in love. They are supposed to be safer because you can still hear cars, people, etc. The first time a car drove by, it scared me — I wasn’t expecting to hear it so clearly! — which I guess means it worked well! They’re also very comfortable and don’t feel as loose/precarious as Apple Airpods. I’m very pro.
+If you’re going somewhere warm this winter: OMG, this lace caftan. Pair with this one-piece — one of the most flattering suits I own! Sweet, a little saucy, full coverage in the rear, a great stretchy material.
+What’s your favorite running sports bra? I’m not loving the ones I have. Some are too constricting and the other offer little support. Help! I was just eyeing a few things from Vuori (super sad I missed out on their brand new red leggings, which sold out in my size in a second) and wondering about theirs.
+Love this inexpensive set of bud vases. One of my biggest “tricks” for entertaining is to put out a bunch of low, tight arrangements scattered down the middle of the table versus one big one. Easier for people to talk over! I typically use these julep cups as vases.
+Cute $29 embroidered blouse.
+I misspoke yesterday! Found the Pink Chicken jacket I wanted for my daughter at Tuckernuck. Now that I’ve vetted a few options, going to let her pick when she gets home from school today.
+Dedcool sells dryer sheets! I’m OBSESSED with this fancy detergent. Smells divine. I use for towels and bedding!
+Attractive playset for children, on sale.
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