What were you biggest learnings and accomplishments this year? Taking a minute to reflect on mine —
+Grieving Tilly. Perhaps strange to list this as a learning, or an accomplishment, but I mean it both in the sense that we made it through the acutely tender days just after she’d passed, when the entire house echoed with her absence, and that I was proud of the way I cared for myself through her loss. I remember one morning sitting down on the floor of my bedroom and just breathing slowly in and out for a long time. I would not have known to do this even a decade ago — to take care of myself as though sick. Do you ever have those moments where you see just how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown? I think in some ways my 30s were, among many other things (including lots of good ones), a coming to terms with the untreated grief of losing my friend Elizabeth at 26, and then losing a pregnancy at 30. I let those losses eat at me, unwilling to look them in the eye, and then I grew up a little and taught myself how to go about it differently in the next decade. We knew we were losing Tilly, and we walked straight towards it, eyes wide open. We showed her all of our love in the two weeks before she passed. We were holding her in our arms when she died. It was almost unbearable at that moment, and in the tender days after, but I kept thinking: It’s going to hurt; it’s going to have to. Grief is a permutation of love. And I made a space for that, and I remembered her, and I cried, and I taught my children that it was OK to be sad, and also OK to keep on living. It was deeply important to me that I model the acceptance of all these things for them, because I don’t want to them to have to learn it too late, in their 30s, the way I did, after years of repression. We still talk often about her; we have our little shrines. And we also keep going.
+Parting ways with our caregiver. An up front caveat: I am very much “pro” seeking help and finding childcare support. I don’t think you are proving anything to anyone by doing it all yourself when it is impossible to do so. We are still big on date nights and prioritizing time for just the two of us — increasingly in the form of travel and mini-getaways, just us. But this year, we parted amicable ways with our caregiver. We only needed her support between the hours of three (sometimes four, depending on extracurriculars) and six, and we decided we were going to see if we could make it work ourselves. It’s been one of the best decisions we’ve made in a long time. I find my days better-balanced, and I know I will never regret the handful of years I shortened my workday by a couple of hours in order to pick them up from school and spend time with them at home. I feel more integrated into their lives — I learn so much in the car ride home, just listening. I know this is not a possibility for many working women and so I understand this to be a tremendous privilege, and I also think there are ample ways to connect when you have less time, or can’t do pick-up, etc. We have a unique set of circumstances where I run my own business and control my own hours, and our children’s school is nearby, so my husband and I can take turns making the quick pickup circuit. It has required some reshuffling on my end: less time to write; changes to the way I produce content. But necessity is the mother of invention, and I’ve found my way through. Mainly, I love the feeling of home being just the four of us in the afternoons and evenings. We are a tight little pod. There are of course days where I long to be able to write roundly from 9 until 6, breaking only for lunch, and days where I am run thin by my children’s demands and noisiness when I am trying to finish one final thing and they are laying at my feet in my studio, but — everything is a flowing. There will be other seasons with wider margins. For now, I am leaning into the gift of our current arrangement, and I have been surprised by how satisfying and fluid it’s felt.
+Feeling strong at 40. I approached my 40th birthday in June with one goal: to feel strong and fit. And I did it. I used a combination of running four times a week and daily Heather Robertson videos, and sometimes stacking the two together. I felt powerful, toned, capable. I remember thinking “I don’t look that different…?” But now I look back at the photos and can see how much more muscle tone I had, and besides — I just felt good, and solid, from the inside out. For my 40th birthday, we went away to Charlottesville with a few of my best friends, and they indulged me by going on a hike in the Appalachians. Partway through, one of my guy friends (a seasoned runner) suggested we run the last third, and we did, and I was exhilarated and a little shocked by my own stamina. I was charging up the trail at a good pace! I’m still basking in the after glow of that accomplishment. I have not kept up with the commitment this fall, but in the past two weeks, I’ve clipped back in, and you know what’s helped me with this? Remembering how I felt the day I turned 40, and knowing I can get there again.
+Finding a signature scent. Discovered while in Colorado this summer, Ex Nihilo’s Lust in Paradise scent. I’m completely obsessed with this scent and wear it daily. I had been hunting for a true signature scent for a long, long time and this is it.
+Taking risks in writing. I stretched myself creatively this year by chasing some fiction. I even went away on a mini retreat, holing up in a hotel and writing for nearly 24 hours straight. I’ve felt challenged, and frustrated, and vulnerable. There is this great quote by Ira Glass: “All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit….you just gotta fight your way through.” I don’t know if I have good taste or not, but I do know what looks and sounds good to me, and sometimes I read my own work and feel distraught over the distance between the words on my page and where I want them to be. Still, I have stuck with it. I am nothing if not determined.
+Setting boundaries in a relationship that was hurting me. You would think this would come first in the list, but I’m ranking it last because it wasn’t accomplished with grace. More like agony and hot tears. If you’re in a similar situation, I see you. Sometimes you have to disappoint people in order to take care of yourself.
Things I’d like to work on in 2025:
+Being present. This is my true white whale. I’m forever aspiring to a baggier life, where I can just sit and soak it all up.
+Beginning to query agents for my manuscript.
+Sticking with a fitness routine. I am old enough now that I know there will be a few stretches each year in which I will clip out of my fitness routine. This is a feature, not a bug, of my overall program. I mean, sometimes sickness, or travel, or other things take precedence. That’s OK. But I’d really like to make those gaps few and far between.
+Listening. I consider myself a pretty good listener, but lately I’ve been auditing my conversations with friends new and old and I still think I could do a better job of asking more questions, and letting other people hold the mic. I am channeling my words on being a woman of substance: “She can listen without interjecting her own story; she can marvel without battling jealousy; she can endure unkindnesses without questioning herself. She does not need the last word, the biggest laugh, the adulation, the apology: she is full without the feedback. She stands still in her center.”
What about you? Any big learnings and achievements in 2024? Any fledgling goals for the next year?
Post-Scripts.
+In years past, I’ve set a one-word intention for the new year.
+What music do you play at home? (My secret work playlist here.)
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+Use code GIFT20 for a rare 20% off Adidas sneaks in great colors.
+Obsessing over the fit of these jeans with a smart cropped blazer. (How I’d style/accessorize here.)
+Really enjoying our Sakara delivery this week! We had a gingersnap parfait breakfast and a black garlic kale salad for lunch today — delicious and, as I mentioned, such a luxury to not have to think about what we’re eating this busy week. Reminder that JENSHOOP gets you 20% off.
+Dorsey is offering complimentary overnight shipping for the next two days. Their classics are here. The Clemence necklace or bracelet are fool-proof gifts — they work with anyone’s style, whether feminine, edgy, classic, eclectic, etc!
+Another great velvet blazer (this one under $200) if you’re still thinking about mine from VB.
+You all have been loving the Ugg slippers – these and these have been best sellers this season. These are still on sale!
+Dreamy lounge set at a great price to pair the slippers with…
+I just went running with these Bose open ear airpods yesterday and am in love. They are supposed to be safer because you can still hear cars, people, etc. The first time a car drove by, it scared me — I wasn’t expecting to hear it so clearly! — which I guess means it worked well! They’re also very comfortable and don’t feel as loose/precarious as Apple Airpods. I’m very pro.
+If you’re going somewhere warm this winter: OMG, this lace caftan. Pair with this one-piece — one of the most flattering suits I own! Sweet, a little saucy, full coverage in the rear, a great stretchy material.
+What’s your favorite running sports bra? I’m not loving the ones I have. Some are too constricting and the other offer little support. Help! I was just eyeing a few things from Vuori (super sad I missed out on their brand new red leggings, which sold out in my size in a second) and wondering about theirs.
+Love this inexpensive set of bud vases. One of my biggest “tricks” for entertaining is to put out a bunch of low, tight arrangements scattered down the middle of the table versus one big one. Easier for people to talk over! I typically use these julep cups as vases.
+Cute $29 embroidered blouse.
+I misspoke yesterday! Found the Pink Chicken jacket I wanted for my daughter at Tuckernuck. Now that I’ve vetted a few options, going to let her pick when she gets home from school today.
+Dedcool sells dryer sheets! I’m OBSESSED with this fancy detergent. Smells divine. I use for towels and bedding!
+Attractive playset for children, on sale.
Re: boundaries: one of the most “light-bulb moment” things my therapist had said to me was, “Boundaries are a form of love.” This completely changed my perspective!
Brilliant and I completely agree.
I love that Ira Glass quote and Jen, we all know you have good taste :)! My biggest feat of the year (at the risk of sounding ridiculous) was getting my eldest in swimming lessons and watching him thrive in the water. He LOVES it. It is the first sport we’ve ever done where he listens with rapture to the Coach (or listens at all, lol.) And it just feels like such a big win! Not to mention the life skill of it all. May swimming be something he enjoy for a very long time! Also, I, too will be querying agents for my novel in 2025
Oh I’m so happy to hear that! It is such a specific joy to see your child begin to lean into something on their own, especially a life skill like that. Bravo!
Onward into the terrifying straits of querying hell! Haha. Let’s keep in touch – solidarity!
xx
Jen, I love these and I’ve been slowly reflecting on this year over the last few weeks. So grateful for this season of reflection and anticipation.
I think my big learnings stem directly from my word of the year — Fortify. Accordingly, I’ve focused on creating spaciousness for both nurturing and reinforcing foundations in my life.
– My husband and I had a lot of challenging things happen in 2023 so doing this was about moving forward and setting up life in a new country.
We’ve applied the Richard Rohr wisdom that, “If you don’t transform trauma, you transfer it”, to this year.
Regrouping and starting over has been really hard but in the last couple of weeks I’ve started to realise that I feel the best I’ve ever felt. It feels like real alignment.
– Another part of fortifying has been going back to the studs of my values as well as our family values.
This focus on intentionality and alignment has been core to rebuilding trust in myself both as an individual and interpersonally.
As part of this, the main receipt is a recent one, courtesy of Liz Gilbert, regarding “Cherished outcomes”. I’ve been practising applying this to my own feelings as well as a lens for handling situations that might come up with people.
– In my marriage — and subsequently all relationships — I’ve been trying to practice the concept of, “Do you need me to hold space, do you want me to listen, do you want advice, do you want to workshop a solution?” I’ve found that it’s minimised conflict with my husband, opened up channels of communication we’d never gotten to before, and helped nurture other connections in my life. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me and it’s helped me to be more thoughtful with people I care about.
– Lastly, just like you, I’ve had to set boundaries in a personal relationship, so I see you in this.
This is the first year where I’ve felt peace around actively transitioning out of a former best friendship that started to fall apart in 2021. I still miss my friend yet the healthiest way forward has been letting the relationship shift into one without contact.
Grace Atwood wrote something brilliant recently about how you can care for someone and want the best for someone while also not wanting to/not being able to be in each other’s lives anymore. It helped me forgive myself, lovingly release the hurt I had with this friend, and properly let go so I’m not feeling the emotion so overwhelmingly in my body any more.
My fledgling goals for the next year are still being refined but my husband has been talking a lot about, “Going big or going home”.
So, we’re starting to put plans in place for creating anchor plans for 2025 that involve our creativity both day-to-day and landmark priorities. For him, this means attending a big music conference in October in Amsterdam and for me, this means creating going away to coastal Albania to write for a few weeks over the summer.
Right now, I think my word is going to be Surrender as it’s come up a lot in my journalling and morning pages.
As I approach 36 (end of January, my own new year!), my outlook is actively about celebrating my path and joyfully celebrating others walking theirs, while also trusting myself through reflection, warmth, and courage.
Basically, I just want to surrender into the embrace of being myself, get out of my own way, and more thoughtfully navigating my own weather systems.
Aoife – These are such beautiful, vulnerable reflections and I found myself nodding along vigorously at many points. Thank you so much for sharing. I completely relate to your overall ethos of trying to sit deeper in yourself, to really listen to your needs and fluctuations and interests. I think it takes a lot of courage to move into a low or no-contact relationship with someone who is hurting you. The guilt, the deep roots, the patterns — very difficult to break through all of that. Cheering you on, friend, and wishing you calmer seas in 2025.
xx
My biggest lesson, by far, this year was having to take my own advice that I’ve handed out to others, in relationships- Particularly with a significant other, make the most generous assumption possible. I stand by that, but wow was I tested. I had to stretch myself in ways I never had to before. In the end it was worth it, but one of the biggest life tests, by far.
Congratulations to you on extracting yourself from a negative relationship… it’s soooo hard sometimes. Once when I was in the thick of such a situation, my Mom told me: you are a good, kind person. Do not ever let someone mistake your kindness for weakness. And as another, more blunt friend put it…. do no harm, but take no shit. HA!
Well done, my friend. xoxoxo
You are so strong! I’m so glad you’ve made it to the end of the year – I know it’s been a challenging one with medical and personal upheavals! Sending you peace and the best wishes for 2025!!
xx
This year has been a bit blurry with my 4th baby and a hurricane in the mountains. Each year we all chose a fruit of the spirit for our word of the year and hang “art” with all of them in the kitchen. My 2024 word was peace and it has been extremely helpful for my children reorient to their chosen word throughout the year (eg. love, patience ).
There is definitely an art of listening well! I try to remind myself to allow for the awkward pause in case someone wants to share more.
I love this tradition! Thanks for sharing. Can imagine having the visual cue hanging in the kitchen is a convenient mnemonic for recentering midday…or mid-dinner hour…
I love this phrase, too: “allow for the awkward pause.” Amen!
Thank you for the playset recommendation! Ordered for my goddaughter – her mom is going to put it in the basement for cold NE days so can work out and her daughter can “work out” too 🙂 Not ugly, great reviews, and amazing price!
Oh yay!!! So happy to hear!
Oh dear caregiver… I owe you a lot! I truly grieved our separation. I made sure our children remembered her, gave her a ring with their birthstones and to this day miss her “guidance”. She died shortly after our departure but I still communicate with her children. She was a perfect mother. Love!
Finding my signature scent? “You”. Love it!
Setting boundaries: so so hard. But it comes down to are you investing more? If so, cut and move on.
Love sticking to a (semi) fitness routine! Give and take. Parenthood is very stressful and time consuming.
My biggest achievement for 2024 has to be ” listening”. For too many years I had lunches/dinners with friends and we would talk, talk, talk. This year I reminded myself prior to ANY engagement to “LISTEN”. I tend to like to talk so this was extremely hard for me. Hoping it is working.
PS- love both jackets for Mini, but think of Taylor with the silver one. Since she’s still rocking her pink boots, I’d go for Taylor!
Love to all and Merry, Merry Christmas!
You’re so spot on – she picked the silver one!!
Love these insights and thoughts. I agree – hard to “sit on your hands” and keep quiet when you’re with people you enjoy talking to…! I’m really trying to make more space for other people to speak!!
xx
Marinating on these receipts – I really like this thoughtful inventory style of reflection! – but dashing off a quick note to say that Lululemon’s Energy bras are the perfect running sports bras. I have long line, regular, and ribbed versions and wear them for 90% of my runs and high impact workouts. I have another more-constricting Lulu style that I bought/wore when running while pregnant (thank you chest expansion) but I reach for the Energy bras most often. I’m fairly athletic and meagerly endowed, but still prefer something that feels pretty supportive while logging miles. Bonus, they last FOREVER without breaking down or losing elasticity. G luck in your hunt!
SOLD! Ordering immediately! TY!!
Enjoy!!
TY!
Learnings/accomplishments: intermittent fasting works well for my body; cutting carbs does not. Choosing to get up early (feels doable now that we’re past the sleep deprivation of babies and nighttime toilet training!) to either ride the peloton or do bible study allows these important items to be on my daily schedule. Doing more research about our medical options and being an advocate for my own and my children’s care. Along similar lines – reading more non-fiction! Starting to clear out clutter in the house that I’ve lived in for 14 years now – longer than I’ve lived anywhere but my childhood home! I don’t miss moving but it did force me to sort through and toss/donate stuff.
In 2025, I hope to continue leaving my phone on the charger instead of constantly on my person. It is soooo old that it barely holds a charge but I like feeling less tied to it as an unintentional side effect! Hoping to continue this concept even after I’m forced to upgrade. Also need to do some serious thinking/research about returning to work, at least part time. I’ve had 7+ years to do this and I’ve procrastinated and haven’t been inspired. I just know that I don’t want to do what I was doing pre-motherhood. And I want to be intentional about letting my children do more tasks independently. Including hashing out their disagreements!
Wow – LOVE these insights. I also feel like I’ve learned a lot about my body this year — it’s only take 40 years! — but I’m suddenly much better attuned to various things, fluctuations, etc. Such a good point about clearing out clutter – so tempting when you have the space.
Sending you good vibes as you think through next steps for work/motherhood/etc. I can imagine that would be a daunting task, and important to remember that nothing is forever…
xx