It’s a slow-release poison, to over-worry about what other people think. I would know; I’ve been queasy with its effects for too long. Since I was a child! Always big eyes and a quiet voice: don’t rock the boat. The time I interjected while my father was disciplining another sibling, and was told, crisply, to mind my own business. I was sick with my own comeuppance for weeks. I felt I’d misplayed my hand, revealed some horrible inner daemon, lost my seating as the responsible older sister. The time I shared a photo of my friend’s child without asking first, and upset him — the way I cried about this, the way I carried it like an albatross! I felt rotten, and still, ten years later, think about it too often when we’re together, prodding at how it’s reshaped his opinion of me. There are bigger things, too, of course, and smaller things, like the time I was trying to parallel park while an impatient driver raged and honked behind me in Lincoln Park. Eventually, he flew around into oncoming traffic to give me the finger and scream through my window. I nursed that for months, permitted his anger to make me wonder about my competency as a driver — I guess that spot had been too small, and I’d held up a lane of traffic for a few minutes…? For awhile, I avoided parking when other cars were close by.
There is accountability, and then there is…this. This tendency to gild the inelaborate. To see mistakes not as reparable via earnest apology, or opportunities to learn, but as markers of deficiency. It takes such strenuous work to give myself a soft landing; I am much more comfortable browbeating. Is this a Catholic thing, an oldest daughter thing, a me thing?
I’m posing the wrong question. Because the real one is: how do I move beyond this? I ask this acutely. I have been quietly struggling for years with the aftermath of putting up boundaries in a fraught relationship, and when I wake up in twisted bedsheets over it, I feel first a private pain, as sharp as a knife tip, and second, nearly as quickly, a low throb over how my actions disturbed the peace of others, and forever dented their perceptions of me. I hate the easy sorority of these sentiments. Can’t I please grow up and focus on the subject rather than its dubious predicate? I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of myself, I whisper. But my soul cries back: and at the expense of whom? I feel then the ancient, inborn responsibility to keep the peace.
And whose peace am I keeping?
I am forty; I am exhausted with this routine. If I am honest, it makes me want to withdraw into the safest of scanned waters: the small ring of close family and friends who seem willing to accept me no matter my missteps. But really I know I must find a way to make like a duck: to let the water slick right off my back. Because I cannot hide in my own huddle forever.
I am writing my way through this, in private journal. Most of the time, instead of an answer, I find an apology. But nothing leaves until it has taught us what we need to learn. And something interesting is happening: I am finding the stitching ever so slightly looser. A little more room for myself. Yet again, life’s interruptions become a creative grist that sustains, and sometimes soothes.
Here, now, we are letting out the seams.
Post-Scripts.
+On writing as a daily practice.
+What are your favorite Substacks?
+More on soft landings — and something that felt a lot like grace. I am capable of those moments from time to time!
Shopping Break.
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This post really speaks to me. Not catholic or an eldest daughter, but had some childhood trauma and now, at 45, I’m learning that I have probably had Autism and ADHD since I was a child. The blame, everything my fault, thinking back to something so benign from 20, sometimes 40 years ago and feeling the blame and guilt just as fresh as it was then.
I’ve bent myself into a pretzel so many times in friendships, or what I thought were friendships, and I find it hard to state my preferences and see them as just as important as other people’s wants. I’ll think about trying to reframe after reading the comments here. Thank you for being vulnerable to share this.
Hi Victoria – Thank you so much for the note, and for your vulnerability, too. I completely related to your comment about pretzeling and having a difficult time balancing your wants/needs with those of others. I struggle with that – I always feel selfish!!
xx
Hi Victoria! My whole immediate family is autistic, though none of us were diagnosed as children, and it’s interesting sussing out which bits I thought were true to every family and which are definitely us being neurodivergent. My husband’s family has such different norms and it’s more than cultural, it’s built in. I really want to read this memoir: https://www.amazon.com/Little-Less-Broken-Diagnosis-Finally/dp/1250895758?&linkCode=sl1&tag=acoj-20&linkId=ad59e252db582ce49363f01a6f25b06c&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl
I am a Catholic, perfectionist, people pleasing middle child who has struggled with this for most of my life. I’m also a cancer physician – so the stakes on perfectionism and caregiving are many and the allowances on my own humanity are few. Sometimes it feels like any misstep I make is catastrophic, no matter how trivial. One thing that has helped me is reframing that I am a good person, if not always a *nice* one. I’m always trying to do good and never ill intentioned, but sometimes my impact doesn’t match my intentions. For my own sanity, I have to let good intentions be enough. The other thing- my daughter has my same perfectionist, people pleasing tendencies. Nothing throws you for a loop more than seeing your own traits plague your child. It has created a funhouse mirror that shows me my daughter (to whom I grant all the grace) and myself as a child (who deserves the same grace). Feeling seen in your musings definitely helps me. I hope any of these anecdotes help you in return.
These are such beautiful thoughts and insights, Jenny. Thanks so much for sharing. This send a shiver (in a good way) right down my spine:
“One thing that has helped me is reframing that I am a good person, if not always a *nice* one. I’m always trying to do good and never ill intentioned, but sometimes my impact doesn’t match my intentions. For my own sanity, I have to let good intentions be enough.”
Wow — carrying this with me.
Thank you —
xx
Jen one thought that helps me when I am beating myself up for doing something that I can’t let go-flip the script. How would you react/feel if someone did the same to you? Most likely, you would accept their apology and be done with it or, in the case of a stranger, be annoyed in the moment but then not give it another thought. I think we, particularly as women, often struggle with giving grace to ourselves that we would immediately give to others.
I so appreciate you allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your writing and sharing your thoughts with your readers!
I love this reframe – thanks, Sandy!! Completely agree that I’d be willing to give other people a lot more grace!
xx
I also am an oldest daughter and Catholic, And although I’ll turn 50 next month I haven’t been able to stop feeling this way, overthinking and feeling guilty of past mistakes (big and small), always worrying what other people think of me.
But the quote by L.M. Montgomery, you posted some weeks ago, really helps: “Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
Thank you for this post – and all the others!
Right there with you – and love this quote!
Thanks for your readership, and solidarity.
xx
I’m Protestant not Catholic, the youngest daughter instead of the oldest, but oh how acutely I relate to what you wrote. I wish I had a fresh perspective to offer as to why we are like this and some helpful advice on how to change, but I’ve got nothing. It is extremely reassuring to read in the comments that there at least a few of us!
Thanks so much for writing in – it has made me feel so…nurtured? today hearing from others who go through similar striations of self-torment / over-accountability. Not alone I guess! Thanks for writing.
xx
Your paragraph re: the aftermath of putting up boundaries in a fraught relationship rings so true for me, too. Thank you for articulating so beautifully the sentiments that I am also feeling. I read this, and thought, THIS IS ME TOO! Sending you love.
Thank you so much for the solidarity, and for letting me know the words resonated! In the trenches with you, friend!
xx
I really identify with this (eldest daughter here, too and a virgo, does that play into it?)I know I am a people pleaser and have always thought, is that so bad? I guess not for the people I aim to please but maybe a little for myself. I, too, carry felt “missteps” too long for my own good, carry guilt even when nobody expects it of me. Thinking about it, it’s a disservice to myself, my peace, but character and long honed habits are hard to change. Thanks for articulating this so well, as ever!
I so relate to your thoughts here – for most of my life, I’ve also thought of my sensitivity to others and my own failings as a net positive. Like, I thought it made me a kinder, more empathetic, more dutiful, more accountable person. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve also seen how this can be at the expense of my own happiness / well-being. I think it’s a balance. It’s OK to feel deeply, to take things seriously…but also to take care of yourself and realize you do not need to hold all the things that are weighing you down.
Thanks for the solidarity!
What size do you take in the travel sweat pair from Frank and Eileen? thanks!!!
XS!
Not catholic, but the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter 🙂 and I don’t identify as a people pleaser per se, but I do struggle accepting my own mistakes! I am really trying to emphasize to my own daughters that mistakes are ok, they help you learn. In my 40s, I still hesitate to try something I am not good at, or make a decision that I didn’t in some way ask permission for first (over-researching, talking it over to get others’ opinions, etc). Hopefully I can stop this nonsense in the next generation!
Oy, I feel this! Your comment about “making a decision that I didn’t in some way ask permission for first” reminds me of something Mr. Magpie talks about a lot — the perils of “ruling by committee.” Speaks to me!
xx
Oof, this hits me right in the gut!! I didn’t realize the over-researching was seeking permission but that’s me to a T.
That was fascinating to me too!
Aaaand another Catholic oldest daughter here 🙂 Nothing eloquent to say other than WHY ARE WE LIKE THISSSSS
Another Catholic oldest daughter here! This was such a balm to read this morning. I’m feeling this acutely right now in trying to establish some difficult boundaries in my life. I’m in my mid-thirties and finally starting to feel like it’s okay for me to take up space instead of apologizing and retreating to keep the peace. It’s shocking to me how much we continue to learn as “grown ups”!
Hi Faith! Right there with you, friend. Astounding how much I’ve specifically learned since turning 35/36. I feel like I’ve made the most enormous leaps, discoveries, steps forward in taking care of myself. Thanks for making me feel less alone in this! xx
I am also a Catholic oldest daughter, and I do this too! I don’t know what came first, the Catholicism or the guilt, but I do know a litany of my sins seemed intuitively right to me when we went through reconciliation as first graders. Through my fault, through my fault. As in many things, I find my own grace in the grace I can extend others. My eldest seems to feel his mistakes acutely, and in giving him a soft landing (he’s 2! His biggest mistake is nothing in the scheme of a life) I’m finding grace for my own young self. I also must sit in discomfort sometimes lest my own people pleasing extend to him (I failed at this at library story time today). Onward!
I love the way you and Stephanie are talking about helping your kids avoid some of these pitfalls — has left me introspective about how I’m raising my daughter and son this morning. Thanks for the rich food for thought, and solidarity.
xx