Internal Monologue

Let me tell you a lil story about the gamut of human emotions, and how I displayed each and every one of them over the course of 45 minutes in an innocuous sounding exercise class — Bardio at Barre Bee Fit.  Now.  I am not a jock.  I am petite and worthless at sports.  But I exercise regularly, have been known to get just a wee bit competitive, and can be very disciplined when it comes to breaking a sweat.  I’ve tried lots of trendy fitness classes (except for zumba — no m’am can I do that — and I’ll explain why later) and have even enrolled a few times in boot camps.  However, nothing prepared me for bardio.  Let me explain.  I showed up decked out in my usual gym duds: neon sports bra ($15), tee ($22), and yoga pants (I don’t own the LuluLemon Groove Pants, but apparently everyone else and their mom does…must own whenever I adjust to the idea of dropping over $100 on yoga pants), and Nike Free Runs ($100):

My essentials were dutifully stowed away in the locker.  (The cool clear pouch is from One Truffle — available in a variety of colors for only $38 — and the hair tie is from Mane Message.)  My water bottle ($14, Water Bobble) was filled.

Then, this happened:

Minute 1: Pleased with self.  YES.  I made it to the class, I’m feeling good, and these other chickadees don’t look super intimidating.

Minute 3: Happy.  Rihanna is blasting, and I’m doing jumping jacks.  How bad can this be?

Minute 5: Competitive.  Why is that other chick doing everything twice as fast as I am?  That’ll do, that’ll do.  Just wait and see what this little magpie is capable of.

Minutes 6-8: Feverishly active.  {Brain is dead while my beady eyes keep their eyes on the prize.}

Minute 9: Smug.  Ha.  I knew I could be faster and better than she was.

Minute 10: Ill.  Uh-oh.  I probably shouldn’t have eaten those gummy bears an hour before class.  I feel barfy.

Minute 11: Confused.  What the beep?  Why does the clock say 11 minutes have gone by, when I’ve clearly been doing this for an hour and a half?

Minute 12: Angry.  No, really.  It’s only been 12 minutes?

Minute 14: Amped.  OK, I’ve been distracted by the promise that we are ending these quad exercises and will now be doing things on a mat.  And I really am kicking ass — that girl over there took 3 breaks during the last set, and I’m still dominating.

Minute 16: Regretful.  The mat is NOT better than the quad exercises.  One word: plank.  Well, three words: poopoo caca plank.

Minute 18: Ill again.  Whoever invented the mountain climber move should be forced to wear dhoti pants for the rest of her life.

Minute 20: Hopeful.  The amazing girl wearing Lululemon who was killing it during the first 10 minutes seems to be struggling as much as I am.  Phew.

Minute 22: Furious.  Where does this instructor get her energy?

Minutes 23-24: In serious pain.  Who knew leap frogs were so deadly?

Minute 25: Laughing maniacally.  Caught sight of myself in the mirror and thought someone was enduring an epileptic seizure.  But no, it was myself, trying to be coordinated.

Minute 26: Focused.  Trying really, really hard to ape the slick moves of the instructor.

Minute 27: More laughing.  {Failed miserably.}

Minute 31: Frustrated.  Hey, no one said you had to be a member of Riverdance to join this class.  I don’t see why I should be expected to move my legs back and forth one way while moving my arms in circles another way.

Minute 33: Enthusiastic.  There MUST be only 2 more minutes left, because there MUST be a ten-minute slow-down/stretch period.

Minute 36: Dejected.  Nope, guess we’ll be doing a full 40 minutes of this torture.

Minute 37: Writhing in pain.  {Too focused on burning thighs to notice anything else.}

Minute 39: Flailing.  I can’t control my muscles anymore; I guess this vague excuse for arm movements will do.

Minute 40: Exhausted.  Enya comes on, as if the voice of an angel.  Winding down.

Minute 43: Proud.  I did it.  I did something.  I did a real thing for 45 minutes.

Minute 45: Ecstatic.  I probably burned 5000 calories in the last 45 minutes.

9 hours later: Wincing in pain.

So — tell me.  Has anyone else experienced this in their workout regimens?!  I feel like I need Bengay to make it through the day.  Otherwise, I’m waddling around like a penguin, trying to avoid bending my legs.  And don’t even talk to me about putting a shirt on.  It hurts to lift my arms.

And at the same time, it’s amazing.  I feel so energized and accomplished.  To ride this wave of excitement, let me share with you my top picks for purchases right now (random and disorganized, as per usual):

First, this killer tribal-inspired necklace ($88).  I love love love love love love its chunkiness.  And the price is reasonable.

I for some reason want to wear it with this cheetah print bikini.  I know that bathing season is quickly coming to a close, but it’s on sale ($135)…and it’s Mara Hoffmann…and as evidenced by yesterday’s post, I am into animal right now.

I’d wear it with these simple brown Tory Burch flips ($115) to lengthen the leg and fully show off the results of Bardio, and would carry my essentials in this simple, sporty tote from Clare Vivier ($160).

The cheetah print reminds me that I’m seriously digging some of the stationery over at By Kollection, including the leopard print below ($25 for 20):

But what I really want from them is a set of their darling, customizable little note cards ($15 for 50)!  Loveee the poodle outline in particular, but you can pick from dozens of icons.

Love writing in style.  Speaking of, I keep my days organized by jotting down must-dos on my Jonathan Adler “Crack the Whip” pad ($8):

Oh, Jonathan.  You’re such a wit.  PS I also want one of these big MacBeth Collection “to do” note pads ($28), but I think Mr. Magpie will punch through a wall if he sees one more girly desktop accessory cluttering our shared desk space.  All right, that’s all she wrote this Friday!  Have a fab weekend!