Last week, a longtime Magpie reader wrote me:
“I am returning to (full-time, paid) labor this Thursday after 4 years of being a SAHM and… wow. It’s funny how my brain knows that there will be a lot of conflicting feelings, and yet I didn’t expect how intense it would all feel in my heart.
I know going back to work is good for me, and the separation is part of having healthy boundaries. And yet here I am, sobbing. I am reminding myself: both/and. Both/and.
If you have the time… would it be too much to ask to crowdsource the wonderful Magpie community for words of wisdom for a mom returning to (paid) work after a long caregiving pause?”
Any words of encouragement or wisdom for this tender heart, Magpies?
Some of my thoughts: I completely relate and am holding a space for you. These motherhood transitions bring such an acute agony — I’ve not been in your exact shoes, but I have elsewhere written about these marshy, indistinct decisions as “the saltings of motherhood.” Give yourself permission to feel, and examine everything — your feelings just show how much you love your job as a mother, and there is nothing to be afraid of in the swell. It’s all a permutation of love. Importantly, though, remember that everything is a flowing. No feeling is permanent, and neither is the job ahead. There are likely opportunities to dial back on the hours, or hit pause, in the future, if you need to. Also, it’s OK to balance your motherhood with the pursuit of something outside of it. I can tell you that, personally, I find I am a better mother when I can participate in both motherhood and creative endeavors. So maybe you will find something magical happens with this new chapter. Sending you love.
A few sterling pieces of advice from my Instagram Magpies:
“It all boils down to one thing: support. In any form, but make sure you have enough.”
“You can always jump back in later – life is yours to reinvent over and over again.”
“What’s meant for you will not miss you!”
“It’s hard for everyone in the beginning; that doesn’t mean it’s a mistake. It gets better!”
“You are providing a different example of parenting for your kids, and neither is wrong.”
“Get the book ‘Mommy Always Comes Home’ about all working moms in nature.”
“Your relationship will be sweeter because you’ll savor it more.”
“I went back and switched to a more flexible job. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing!”
“Regardless if you work inside the home or out — all women need an outlet for themselves.”
“Nothing is permanent. Give it a shot and if it’s too much, you can always quit.”
“It’s OK to enjoy it. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them. And you’ll still be their favorite.”
Last but not least, Mother Untitled has some great resources for mothers navigating decisions around leaving/rejoining the workforce. I found this slide particularly fascinating, as it demonstrates the fluidity with which many of us are balancing motherhood with professional undertakings. I recently made a small transition myself, taking on more day-to-day caregiving after parting (amicable) ways with our full-time nanny. As I made that decision, I told myself many times that nothing was forever — that if this was causing too much stress or not enabling me to get my work done, I could find part-time support. I’ve had friends go in the opposite direction recently, too — one friend recently hired an afternoon nanny and said it’s the best decision she’s ever made (she had been trying for years to balance a full-time corporate job with school pick-up / afternoon childcare). I love the way we are increasingly finding paths that are not black-and-white, that are evolving with our needs, that enable us to “pause and shift” in the words of Neha Ruch.
What else would you add, Magpies?
Post-Scripts.
+The lopsided, elegant dance of motherhood.
+Seeing my daughter as she was when she was a baby.
+How do you get your children to eat?
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+Tomorrow is the final day of the Shopbop sale — shared all my favorite picks here, many of which are selling through, but wanted to also mention this is a great opportunity to invest in the Jenni Kayne Cooper at 25% off, in case you want to upgrade from, or missed out on, the Quince. (The latter is soooo good but already sold out!!) Also a good time to score your husband some Ferragamo loafers at a discount — these rarely go on sale!
+Happy Dudley Stephens season to those who celebrate. I have been wearing this striped one a lot the past few weeks. Perfect thin top layer. The brand sent me a code — 25% off with JENNIFER25! Also really like the solid camel color. Would be so good with brown leggings and sneaks.
+Weezie is running its once-a-year 20% off sitewide promotion. A great time to stock up on bath towels. I also absolutely LOVE and adore their long lightweight robe – would be a great gift if you want to buy now and save for holidays, or just treat yourself. It has the perfect weight and a nice long self-tie that never comes undone. I just love her. Weezie just generously restocked my towel supply and I was drawn to the red embroidery options. I picked up these gingham towels for my son — so handsome! — and wouldn’t they be a great gift for a boy heading off to college / getting his first apartment? — as well as their iconic scalloped style.
+Zara!!! I love this sherpa-collared waxed coat (Barbour vibes but the sherpa trim makes it feel more fashion) and this waxed cape! (More great capes for the season ahead here, but hard to beat $129 with all those great texture/trim details.)
+I always buy a bunch of long-sleeved polos from Ralph and Lacoste for my son in the fall season. Love this garnet red option and it’s currently 30% off. Cute with these cords, also 30% off, as are all the items below. So many of these pieces would be great for a fall family portrait or fall festivity.
LONG SLEEVED POLO // HAT // STRIPED SHIRT // CORDS // SHERPA SHACKET // SNEAKS
+Are you a bodysuit girl? I’ve never really gotten into them but do like the idea of not having to constantly retuck. I hear Wolford makes the best in the world, but have one of these from Solid & Striped on its way to me to try. (I LOVE their original brief underwear for sleeping! Super soft and don’t cut into skin anywhere — have a loose elastic feel. I recently cleaned out my whole underwear drawer and only kept Negative’s Whipped boyshorts and these for sleeping. For daytime, it’s 100% Hanky Panky, and I’ve made a commitment to only buy in the black or beige/skintone colors (both included in the Shopbop sale and a great add-on to your order) because those are all I really want to wear / most practical / etc.)
+This new coat from Quince!!! So good, and under $200. Reminds me of the ones from Harris Wharf London.
+LOVE this kiwi/chartreuse-green ribbed knit. I actually saw it on Katie Holmes first – the color is so chic right now. (I wrote about this color microtrend a few weeks back!)
+Great stepstool for kitchen/pantry, currently 20% off — chic enough to leave out.
+Another great fair isle to consider. All my favorite fair isles for the season here — love all the options in that pretty sky blue hue. Plays so well with brown, khaki, taupe, olive green, burgundy!
Oh Jen, I am blown away by the support in this post — in both tactical/strategy as well as mindset shifts. Thank you so, so much, Magpies (I was the one who wrote in with the request). I’ve copied these words over to my notes app and they have been a source of comfort and grounding.
I deeply appreciate you Jen, for writing about this!
Appreciate you, too – glad these comments were helpful! We’re all right there with you! xx
Hi! I’m a manager and I want moms returning to the work force that I value them so, so much. They bring skills that can’t be taught or trained (as one of my best team members says, negotiating with an executive is a lot like negotiating with a toddler).
Love hearing from the manager! Thanks for sharing this! xx
Thank you, Elizabeth! Your words are counteracting the impostor syndrome I am feeling right now!
Ooh I bet this topic is near and dear to a lot of your readers! Here are some thoughts:
1. You go, girl!! It’s not always easy to get back into it after taking a career break so kudos to you!
2. You can always leave if it’s not a good fit. I find I’m much more at peace with big decisions when I know there’s an out. Starting at a new place is a great time to put in super clear boundaries and if they’re not okay with it then it’s not a good fit.
3. Get your support systems in place. This means hiring as much help as you can afford (cooking, cleaning, laundry, random chores like filling up the soap bottle, cleaning up the house and kitchen in the evening, hiring a travel agent to plan trips, etc), It also means discussing a new responsibilities split with your partner (especially if you’ll be outsourcing some tasks) and making sure everyone’s on the same page. I recommend the Fair Play system for this! The cards are helpful but not necessary since you can find everything online. The book is helpful to provide additional context but not necessary either. If you choose to read it, don’t ask your husband to read it with you—it’s quite husband-bashing and pretty offensive! My amazing husband who believes in giving more than 50% in our relationship and family took issue with how black and white the book was but luckily was still down to give the exercise a try.
These are such great points – thanks especially for the note on Fair Play system! Hadn’t heard of this! xx
Thank you so much, Stacey! “Clear boundaries” — I need these words etched into my brain!
Oh I feel this so much. I returned to paid work most recently when my son was 4 months old – a different scenario, but I think the advice still very much holds.
1. Give yourself grace. A good friend told me this and it helped so much. In those first few weeks, if I was really missing my son, I would just log off early and go get him, and it was the best decision for both of us as I eased back into the workforce.
2. Keep your priorities straight. For me, that means family always always always comes first. I found myself on Slack on my phone while nursing my son and felt like my head was actually spinning. I immediately put my phone down and told my team that I was no longer available between the hours of 5-7pm. When I was laid off a few months later, my first thought was that I’m so glad I prioritized my son and my family and have no regrets because clearly the company did not prioritize me. I have kept those boundaries in my new executive-level job at a much more supportive company and my team actually respects me more because of it. Both/and could not be more true.
You got this mama!
Thank you so much for sharing this, especially the note about logging off early to get your son when you needed to. So important to listen to those instincts. xx
My mom always worked! It was very very normal for us, and I truly think the reason my dad was so involved in caregiving was because he had to be. For my parents in particular, they needed the equality of both contributing formally in the workforce and switching off at home, I think it was really good for their relationship and for us too. I know my mom loved being home with us the first 3 years (she had 3 under 3) but she and my dad were two ships passing in the night at that time. My mom truly can’t abide housework and being the one solely responsible for that while she was off was really grinding her down.
Love this perspective – thank you so much for sharing how this impacted you as the daughter! So reassuring!